entrancelogs | You Can't Always Get What You Want

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You Can't Always Get What You Want

Who: Sharon Carter & Steve Rogers
Where: Room 913
When: Todayyyyyy
Rating: Rated PG for making Steve Rogers squirm
Summary: It's time for Steve's training mission to begin. But first, some questions of a more... personal nature.
The Story:

Now that Sharon has been in Wonderland for a while, she's more aware of its capabilities and more willing to use them. Gone is the single sparse bedroom, and here to stay (for as long as she feels like it) is a two-room suite. The door now opens into a room that looks like an old-fashioned library, books stacked to the ceiling around the walls, a large mahogany desk across the room near large windows with two business-like chairs in front of it and a significantly more comfortable chair behind. A sitting area with some comfortable chairs, a couch, a coffee table, and reading lamps sit on a thick rug in the center of the room. In the past month, she's added pictures to the bookshelves, propped up against the books - scenes from DC, SHIELD, what looks like a country estate, various places from around the world.

There's a doorway to the right of the entrance, though the door is mostly closed. On the other side is her bedroom, with soft white walls and a thick white comforter on the bed. There are smaller touches of color there, more personal pictures of family and friends. But none of that matters now, because it's unlikely Steve will see any of the bedroom except through the crack for now.

No, this isn't a social call. It's past time she get his training mission underway. And it's certainly past time they have uncomfortable discussions.

This conversation might not go the way either of them wants. But they need to talk about it. She needs to talk about some things. She needs to know.

She sets the training mission folder on her desk, puts out the call on the network, and waits.

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It had probably been foolish for Steve to think that Sharon would forget about something like this. Not that he's wanted to get out of it or anything like that. As he'd told her before, he welcomes the challenge, along with any extra training that he can get. The fact that he doesn't have to wear a uniform or prescribe a title to what he's working on also helps.

That being said, the invitation to Sharon's room is a little out of the ordinary. Steve has never spent much time there; the two of them have made an active effort to always meet in public spaces. At first it had probably been because Sharon wouldn't have felt safe around him in light of the HYDRA event, but now it's because of their history.

Strange how quickly things can change around Wonderland, with the addition of a whole year of memories.

All the same, Steve doesn't ignore Sharon's request. He shows up as prompt as ever, dressed in plain clothes for now. He's sure that she'll tell him if he needs to change for whatever mission she's cooked up for him.

Instead of barging in (even though he's been invited), Steve knocks on the door when he arrives. "Sharon? It's Steve."

She opens the door and smiles at him as she stands aside to let him in. "Steve. Good to see you again." She crosses the room to the desk to pick up the folder. She turns and leans against the desk, looking him over as if appraising him. After a brief moment, she indicates the room around them. "I based it on the library back home where I grew up. Aunt Peggy took it over whenever she was home on holiday. Used to drive my dad up a wall, how he couldn't use his own desk at Christmas, but honestly, I don't think he ever tried to use the desk unless Peggy was using it." She shrugs. "Family squabbles."

She straightens and moves to the couch. She feels a little like she's play-acting, imitating the Hawley on the WSC and Fury as she is. Even if he notices, though, what of it? She doesn't normally arrange training missions for people. He'll have to take what he can get.

"Take a seat. Please." She indicates a chair across the coffee table before dropping demurely on the couch, just as she had seen Aunt Peggy do in so many meetings. "We have some things to talk about before I brief you. I want to hear more details about your fight with Tony, for starters. When you and Bucky went to stop Zemo from waking up the other Soldiers."

She sets the folder carefully on her lap. The only sign that she might be concerned is how her fingers run along one edge a couple times before she looks up to meet his eyes.

Steve stops just a few feet into the room to take a look around. It has a professional look to it, more fitting to be an office than a living space, but he assumes that Sharon's sleeping space is behind one of the closed doors. Pepper's room had been similar to this, if a little more corporate looking. For those types of people who can't ever stop working, it makes sense to have a setup like this. Sharon's the definition of workaholic, so it makes sense.

Still, this is at least inspired by a space that Peggy had existed in, and the weight of that is something that Steve can feel, even as Sharon urges him to take a seat. He eventually does so, but the formality of this meeting has him a little on-edge.

That instinct of his turns out to be right when Sharon brings up Siberia. It had probably only been a matter of time before news started to get around, but Steve's back goes straight and his shoulders go tight all the same. He stares at her for a few excruciating seconds, and then sighs.

"How much do you know?" Yeah, he's turning it back on her, but only so that he knows how to hand out the information. It seems to be an appropriately spy-like thing to do.

She catches herself before she grins, amused that he's trying to out-spy her in a meeting for a spy training session that she has put together. With help, of course. But still. Steve. Why.

She sobers quickly, though. She can't talk about what happened between him and Tony and smile. She still can't quite wrap her mind around the fact that the fight between them had gotten so bad, can't quite marry the thought of Steve as she knows him with the Steve that had fought Tony.

Her hands are heavy enough in her lap to crease the folder.

When she speaks, her voice is quiet. "He thought you were going to kill him, Steve. Your own teammate thought you were going to take his head off with your shield. The shield his father gave you."

At least Sharon's words answer most of Steve's questions all at once. She found out from Tony directly, which means that he may have told other people about their fight too, and just how bad it had gotten. It had been a terrible and raw situation, with emotions flying high, but the murderous intent had never been on Steve's side, regardless of how Tony might remember it.

Granted, he'd still made Tony feel that way, and that's nothing to brush off either.

Steve sighs heavily and lifts a hand to rub at his eyes. There's not likely to be any more smiles in this room for a while now, as this ranks pretty high on his list of Things He Would Rather Not Talk About or Think About Ever.

"I never even thought about killing him. I just wanted to stop him, so I went for the arc reactor." Would she believe him? Whose word would Sharon take, his or Tony's? Does it really have to come down to that? Steve hopes not. He forces himself to meet her eyes, his mouth set and his gaze hard. "He was trying to kill Bucky, Sharon. He was upset, and rightfully so, but he was out of control and I couldn't let him go through with it." Not just because Bucky is Steve's friend and he will literally take a bullet or three for him, but because Tony wouldn't have been able to forgive himself in the aftermath either.

He meets her eyes, and she doesn't look away despite how she's almost tempted. His gaze can be intense. Even when they'd lived across the hall from each other, she'd thought about when he looked at someone, it was like he was concentrating entirely on them. It can be disconcerting to have that sharp gaze turned on her.

But she's been disconcerted before, and will be again. She meets his eyes and doesn't flinch.

She believes he didn't intend to kill Tony. She isn't so certain that Tony was out of control. But then, Tony's family had been rather... well. As close as Sharon had been to Peggy, as much as she'd looked up to Peggy, she never got the impression that Tony had had that with his family. Hell, Sharon hadn't had that with her own parents.

What would she have done, though, if she'd found out that Steve's best friend had murdered her parents when she was young?

She still can't say she believes it. But her belief isn't what's important here.

"Tony's building kill switches into his suits. He still trusts you enough to give you one, if I understand him correctly. But if you damaged his trust in you enough that he thought you would kill him, then I think you need to address that with him." She leans forward, resting her elbows on her knees. "I know... I have faith, at least, that you'll do what's right here. Especially since you know how it feels to die."

Her gaze probably doesn't seem as piercing as his; it's difficult to make brown eyes seem as piercing as blue ones. But she's watching him nonetheless.

Maybe Sharon's eyes are not as piercing as Steve's own, but he still feels pinned under them, especially with the direct way she's tackling this subject. He hadn't been expecting it, probably because he's thus far gotten away with not having to talk about this much. He's discussed it with Tony himself, with Billy, and with Bucky. That's about it. He should have known that it would come around to nip at his heels eventually, and the only thing he can do is be honest about it.

He does know what it feels like to die, and it's not something he would ever want to inflict on someone else (provided he wasn't actively trying to kill that person, but that's an entirely different issue). He's not sure if that confrontation in Siberia could have played out any differently than it did, except that one of Tony's shots might have actually connected. There's at least one time Steve can remember when Tony's repulsor had been pointed right in his face, and the only reason he'd missed the shot was because Bucky had thrown him off-balance.

"I tried to talk to him," Steve starts. "It didn't exactly go over well, so I figured he needed some space. Yeah, I'd like to rebuild trust between us, but do you really think that's even possible? When I kept something that important from him?" Steve can't imagine that Tony will ever look at him the same way again, and so it's been all too easy to just avoid him here in Wonderland.

He rubs at his eyes and shakes his head. "If he wants someone else to be the one who can shut down his suit, other than him, it probably shouldn't be me." The question then being who should it be? Maybe Sharon, if Tony trusts her enough to have told her all of this.

She straightens and looks to the window. Outside, it's a lovely day in Wonderland, as it all too often is. She knows that the sun is shining in the gardens in just that special way to make everything seem like a fairy tale. If she were younger and more naive, she might even have bought into it.

But she isn't younger. She isn't naive. She feels as if she's been behaving that way. For years, she's known who Steve Rogers was as a man. She's gotten to know the man behind the mask, the guy who would jump on what he thought was a live grenade, the guy who wouldn't push when a woman turned him down, the guy who would burn down an entire government agency and destroy countless lives because he felt like he had no other choice.

But this Steve is new to her. She's never gotten to see this side of him, the side that tries and then leaves well enough alone, the side that doesn't seem to think something is possible. The side that's currently disappointing her.

She gives a long, slow nod. She'll suggest Tony find someone else to give the kill switch to. She'll try to think of people he can trust.

"He has a soft spot for people he cares about," she says carefully. "There aren't many people he genuinely trusts. He let you in, Steve. So yes, I think it's possible. Even though you kept something important from him - which was monumentally stupid, by the way. But he dedicated years of his life to the Avengers. Invested in them - invested in you - with his money, his time, his ideas, everything he had. So if you don't try to repair that relationship, which it sounds like you're considering, that says more about you than him." She turns back to him.

She opens her mouth to ask how many times he's died. But then she pauses. She can ask him about his deaths again in a minute. Bet there's one question she's been wanting to know the answer to for months. "Why did you kiss me, Steve?"

This is also the Steve Rogers who put down his shield, and no one expected that either. Steve knows that he's disappointed a lot of people, so really, what's one more?

All the same, he isn't expecting to get scolded. He probably should have, because Sharon isn't the sort of person who would let him get away with anything, much like her aunt. The guilting is something that works to great effect, seeing how Steve is already drowning in it. That's what's kept him from making any other attempt to talk to Tony, in fact. Because Sharon is right, Tony put a lot of himself into the Avengers and now Steve can't help but feel that he took all of that and shattered it with one single action -- or inaction, as the case might be.

There's a lot he could say about all of it. That there's no way he can undo what he did, that he could never expect Tony to forgive him, that someone else (someone younger, someone better) should be in charge of piecing the Avengers back together. And maybe he might have said all of that, except that Sharon throws another bombshell his way.

They were going to have to talk about it, of course. But that doesn't mean that Steve had been ready for it to happen now. "It seemed... it seemed like the right thing to do," he says, hands wringing in his lap as he looks at Sharon without actually making eye contact with her. "And I wasn't sure if I was ever going to get the chance again. I've had a lot of missed opportunities in my life, times when I should have acted but I didn't, and then... well, I regretted it. So I didn't want that to happen again."

It's an extremely honest answer, and he's hoping it doesn't somehow earn Sharon's ire. But Steve falls silent then, waiting with held breath to see how she responds.

That wasn't what she'd expected him to say. Honestly, after all their time not talkinga bout it, all their time dancing around it, she'd half-expected him to say that it was some sort of emotional displacement meant for her aunt or something. She'd known it would hurt, had been prepared to sally forth and put on a brave face.

She hadn't been prepared for a nice answer. She supposes that she should have known somehow. He might be stubborn, he might have issues, but this is still the man who awkwardly flirted with her and yet managed to keep it somehow pleasant instead of excruciating.

So... crap. She really hadn't planned on... that answer. Not that it's a declaration, per se. But it was still... nicer... than she'd expected.

She bites her lip and looks down at the file in her lap.

She should probably feel worse for what she's about to do. But then, this is meant to make him better. To challenge him. And the mission comes first.

"Then I almost feel bad about this," she says after several seconds of silence. Slowly, carefully, she sets the folder on the table between them. This time, she's the one who doesn't meet his eyes.. "Maybe after... if you're up to it... We could- Well. We'll see how you feel, I guess."

She leans back, her eyes still on the folder. "I've asked Darcy to help. Her role might... trouble you, and I agreed to give you the heads-up beforehand. If you have any concerns over whether something is part of the mission, get in touch. If you're boxed in, get in touch. I'll do what I can."

While Sharon might be about to send him off on a mission, what's happening in this room isn't strictly professional, and Steve finds that her reaction isn't particularly guarded. She hadn't been expecting that, and Steve's stomach twists as he realizes that he might have just gotten her hopes up when he isn't sure he'll be able to deliver on anything going forward.

Once again, his romantic life has become way more complicated than he'd ever intended or wanted.

"Don't feel bad," he says, shaking his head sharply. "I wouldn't have agreed to it if I didn't want to do it." It might be a painful process at times, depending on what Sharon's put together, but Steve knows that he'll come out better for it.

She stops just short of asking him out, and Steve clenches his jaw for a few seconds, also staring at the folder instead of anywhere else.

"It's a little more complicated than that, but..." Now probably isn't the time to talk about it. Especially since Steve doesn't think he has any words for what's going on with him and Bucky. He hadn't remembered any of it when he'd kissed Sharon, or he would have never done that, yet the guilt remains all the same.

Finally, he lifts his head and squares his shoulders. "I should probably focus on the task at hand for now. When do we start?"

She raises an eyebrow when he says it's a little more complicated than that. Isn't everything in Wonderland? It's the sort of thing where, on the surface, everything seems simple - they've all been kidnapped and are trapped in some microcosmic multiverse bubble that just happens to have a really nice magic mansion. It's only in the details that things get tricky.

"We already have. I already worked out what to do with everyone and told them that we're starting before I called you here, along with an explanation for everyone else as to why you might be acting oddly. Just in case."

She gets to her feet and extends a hand as she slips back into her professional skin. "Good luck out there."

Sharon says nothing either way about Steve's cryptic words, and he doesn't know if he should be grateful or disappointed. Still, letting personal feelings get in the way of the mission is the first no-no when it comes to spy work, he knows that much.

Especially since he now needs to go out there and try to get information out of people. Even if everyone's acting and it's more like a simulation than anything else, he still intends to do his best.

Steve stands alongside Sharon and grips her hand to give it a firm shake. Perfectly professional, really. "Thanks. For putting all of this together, I mean." It had probably been a lot of work and she certainly hadn't been obligated to do it, but she had anyway.

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You Can't Always Get What You Want

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