entrancelogs | [closed] Is there any just cause for feeling like this?

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[closed] Is there any just cause for feeling like this?

Who: Leonard Snart & Mick Rory
Where: Outside, near burned trees.
When: Right after this.
Rating: PG 13
Summary: Oh I, I just died in your arms tonight
It must have been something you said
I just died in your arms tonight

I keep looking for something I can't get
Broken hearts lie all around me
And I don't see an easy way to get out of this
The Story:

Finding Mick isn't exactly a difficult task. Not only does Leonard have hints, he also has a nose and he has long since trained the instinct of walking towards the smell of something burning instead of the other way. By the time he is among burned trees, he has his hands in his pocket and his face doesn't give much away, at least to the untrained eye.

The snow crunches under his boots and the memories associated with that come unbidden. His chest hurts, from nothing other than emotions. Pain that he's kept bottled up for months now, today forced to the surface. It's no wonder that when he actually speaks, his voice breaks.

"Mick."

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"No."

Mick pressed the trigger again and unleash a torrent of fire on a poor little oak tree not far from him because it's easier to focus all that hurt and pain on something easy. Something that doesn't feel. He's hurting and he's angry, he hates himself so much right now for caving and saying any of that. What was he thinking?

It was clear that he'd been out here for a while, several trees were just burn husks now and there were many empty bottles laying around... which might account for all this sudden honesty on a public game of word association. He can't deal with Leonard right now, can't even look at him. It's too much. He lowered his gun instead and watched the tree burn slowly.

Great.

Leonard says nothing more, instead he just looks down at the bottles instead of the flames, his fingernails digging into his palms, unseen with his hands both in his pocket. Obviously a mistake, coming out here, but now it'd feel stupid to leave again right away, so he sets himself a mental countdown and only takes a step back, looking to the side and moving one foot to make some of the charred bark of a tree crumble down onto the snow, marring the pure white. Artful.

It takes a while for Mick to even be able to turn around because it's a lot, he didn't want to have this confrontation, not until he had more details but Rip was terrible and Ray was... Ray but more helpful admittedly. He still didn't have all the pieces, it still didn't make sense to him. It was like reading a summary to an episode, it was brief and yet probably didn't come close to see it, experiencing it, understanding it. He pulled his goggles up so he could see clearly and watched the tree still, focusing on it.

"I ain't gonna ask why you didn't tell me." Communication. It was a failing between them. Besides, given the way they are? He didn't expect it. He was so mad at Snart, why would he have told him? "But I am gonna ask that what I ask you next, you're honest with me. Cause if you ain't gonna be honest with me, we ain't gonna do this. Got it?"

The stakes were there. Set out plainly for once.

Honestly, he thinks for all he might be a manipulative liar, in this particular case him not telling Mick is very understandable. At least Mick seems to agree with that, if nothing else. It takes a few moments, but finally Leonard turns his head, looking at him. Breathing seems to be difficult, so he focuses on that.

His mind echoes with the last words he's said to Mick, right before knocking him out. Caught on a loop, memories of Mick and Sara and then his final moments. Not a bad end, all in all. But who'd like to have so much time to reflect on it?

"Got it."

"Were we friends by the end?"

He turned to look at him and it was hard but he met his eyes and felt an unpleasant deep burn in his chest. Was he friends or at least close to friends or did Leonard -- his friend for decades, the person he had been with the longest and meant the most to him, someone he loved more than anyone -- did he die with Mick hating him? Did they never make up in that short gap of time?

Was that all that remained from all those years? One stupid bitter fight that just escalated and escalated until one of them died and neither had anything? He didn't want that. He hated it.

"Did you die with me hating you?"

"No."

He realises after a moment that that could be taken two ways and quickly speaks up again to clarify. "No, I didn't. We were friends."

Perhaps with some unease, but that doesn't really matter, between them. He'd known they'd be back where they were meant to be, no doubt in his mind. Where Sara stood? He's still not sure. Anyone else on the team? Whatever. But Mick and him, yes.

Mick was silent for a while before he looked down, away from Leonard.

"Dunno if that makes it worse or better." Means it's gonna hurt more. It means that the moment he leaves here, he gets brainwashed, he almost kills Leonard, goes 'almost' back to normal and then loses his only friend. Was there any point leaving? Was there anything good to come from this?

"You idiot." Mick huffed and didn't look at him again because it hurt and he was a fucking sissy wussy or anything but his eyes kept burning and he wasn't gonna actually shed a fucking tear over this. Not because he was 'too manly', he just wasn't a crier. He didn't do that. He didn't cry. He didn't even cry when he lost his parents. He got angry. He sucked in a deep, sharp breath and spun around swiftly, launching a solid punch at the tree. The sound was not pretty because the tree was very solid and Mick put a lot of force into it. God, it hurt like hell. "You fucking idiot! Why the hell would you do that? Are you insane?! If anyone was supposed to die -- just. No, that wasn't how it should be. Not. You."

"I tried to get out of it." Alexa, but too late. He'd known it, really. As he's explained to Ray once, he doesn't believe in fate, but in his own choices. His choices were always going to line up like that. Between him and Mick and so he hadn't made it. As simple as that.

Nothing heroic about it, but he knows his priorities. He plans accordingly. Leonard winces at the punch and then he steps forward, right up to Mick. He doesn't look at his face, but he reaches for his hand, taking it into his own. His fingers are still cool, even if he had had them in his pockets the entire time. He feels for any fractured bones, his touch gentle, even though he can feel the rage coming from Mick.

He let Leonard take his hand and look at it without flinching or snapping, he just growled lightly, like an injured dog, unsure who to trust, teeth barred just in case. He felt Leonard feel his hand and winced, it hurt like a bitch but it felt good. It kept him grounded. Pain always did. He was so tense, uneasy, he had no idea what to do about any of this. It wasn't a future he ever wanted and he knew he couldn't change it.

He turned his hand suddenly and held Leonard's in his own tight grip, his hands warm and rough, calloused and burn slightly. "So." He met his eyes, no matter how hard it was. "What do I do without you?"

At first he doesn't look up to meet Mick's eyes, even if he knows that he's looking at him now. There's a lot of heat coming from the grip Mick suddenly has on him and he fights down the urge to pull away. This is all too much, but it was always going to be. Neither of them is good at feelings, but when it came right down to it, Leonard was probably worse.

But he's been dealing with this ever since arriving here, which makes it both harder and easier. When he finally looks up and meets Mick's eyes, he swallows, the pain hitting him like a punch to the chest. "You go on, my friend."

"Can't." Mick says it almost right away with an unsettling amount of certainty. He knows he's being stupid, he's been alone before. That year they were apart, he survived just fine. He wasn't stupid, he was just emotional. He knew his friend was going to die and what the hell was he supposed to do? "I need you. Why can't you ever get that through your head?"

He let go of Leonard's hand and shook his head, moving away from Leonard to give them both the space they needed. "This is the thing though, isn't it? Like 2046. No, hold up, don't get pissy." He holds his hand up just to prevent that. "You could have just said you didn't like it. I was waiting for you to say it but you didn't and it became like a dumb contest. I wasn't gonna say anything until you said something and I started making it worse and worse like I do. Then you said the wrong something." And no, he wasn't looking to rehash this old fight, he just wanted to use it as an example because it was a pretty important thing, no matter how it went. He turned to Leonard and met his eyes, the hurt obvious still. "And I should have just said from the start 'if you hate it this much, let's go' because I was never going to stay somewhere without you. Never."

And he knew he got petty and stupid, he waited for Leonard to just be honest because he was done with being manipulated in that subtle way and he shouldn't have baited it. Leonard struggled with this shit and Mick made it a thousand times worse. Of course it was going to blow up in his face. "You didn't have to be my boss, you could have just been my friend and been honest. Straight up. Cause I don't have anything without you, I never did and you know that. Why would I want a criminal paradise if I didn't have you."

Rubbing at his eyes, he huffed a little. "I wasted the last God damn months of your life in this stupid argument. And it is a stupid argument and if we'd just fucking talked, you'd never have left me! But we were too fucking stubborn."

"You made mistakes," Leonard conceded, lifting his hand before Mick can interrupt as he continues, "I made more mistakes. Worse mistakes." And he should have seen it. Mick had a habit of getting into his own way, but Leonard had a habit of wanting to control too many factors. It meant that there were a lot more things he could do wrong. So there they were, months of fighting and finally on the same page again, only for Leonard not to make it.

He's seen it coming, but that doesn't change it. Nothing can change it, because this isn't about fate, this isn't about someone manipulating him. This is him making the decisions he was always going to end up making.

"We're here now." For what it's worth. Leonard closes his eyes, he can't hold Mick's gaze any longer. He exhales slowly, breathing past the pain. Opening them again, he steps forward, his voice softer than usual. "It's you and me, Mick."

"It still hurts."

Mick is going to lie, of course it hurts. His friend left him to die, he caused him to get fucking brainwashed and he knew that it was doomed to happen, it wouldn't go away. Leonard screwed him over but he didn't do much better either, he had no moral high ground but he was still wounded by it. He wasn't just going to get over it but -- well, same page.

Truth be told, he missed it. When it was easier, when it made sense, just him and Leonard. No team, no heroes, no grand destiny. He just wanted this for however long he could have it. "But it hurts all the same doing this shit all the time." He walked over to where he'd been sitting before and he dropped down, picking up his discarded bottle and holding it with his least damaged hand. He wished he could just say 'I miss you' but the words just don't come out.

"I ain't having a party either." So much to rehash, but of course, for Mick it's the first time. The most painful thing in Leonard's life, their life, and now he's lived through it twice. Leonard watches him, finally leaning against a tree that's not burned just yet, loosely folding his arms in front of him, his eyes looking at the snow covered with ash. Seems apt enough. "I came here over half a year ago. Arrived straight from then. First I thought this might just be the afterlife."

"Free booze is pretty heavenly but we both know we're gong to hell." Mick smiled playfully but that joke? It wasn't quite as funny now. It hit him where it hurt. Mick slipped his hand into his pocket and gently pulled out the ring he got at Christmas. Yep, he had it and yeah, he carried it around on his person all the time. He looked at it, rolling it between his fingers, a small look of ease on his face. "So, tell me the truth, that beating you took when we first met here? It wasn't the first time I kicked your ass over that, huh?"

"Nah. Second time." He holds up two fingers, then curls them in with a slight smile. "First time was worse."

For one thing, the first time Leonard had been pretty sure that Mick was going to kill him. This time it had been less intense. No Chronos yet. Still the man he knew, the man he'd known ever since juvie. His friend. Even at their worst. "You wussed out this time."

Only joking, but he might as well. He's still taken more than long enough to heal, he's still not exactly asking for another one.

"I wasn't gonna break your precious face until I was sure it was you, princess. I'm not wasting my strength on a fake or a lie. I didn't know what this shit was." Mick defended, pulling a face as he look over at Leonard, a slight smile there. Well, that was the closest they got to enjoying being around each other these days. It was almost close to normal. Almost.

It wasn't like everything else would go away but was it so much to ask that they just shoved it aside for once?

"I think two beatings should cover it." Mick nodded his head a little. Whatever. If it got over it, it got over it. And for what he suffered? Seemed fair. The Chronos stuff was just a big future question mark. "We gonna call it even or what? You got any objections? Input?"

There are so many things left unsaid, because it's not Leonard's style. It's not their style, putting feelings out there and if anything, it's Mick who's better about it than Leonard, who's been taught very well not to show emotions, not to show any weakness. Calling it even. It's on him, but forgiveness is Mick's decision and he'd no objections to that, so there's a simple shake of his head. "No."

Silent for a moment and then he admits to more than he perhaps ever might have under normal circumstances. "I missed you."

"Yeah. Ditto."

Mick grabbed one of his beers and rolled it along the ground until it hit Leonard's foot. Well, they were out here, they may as well be drinking to get through this shit. "Though in future? Any more shock reveals or surprises? Tell. Me. Now. Cause seriously, if I have to hear another piece of my future from a kid, I will beat your ass so hard, you won't be walking." Mick warned with an edge of playfulness to just try and keep some harmony in there. He didn't want to set them off again. He tilted his beer in Leonard's direction. "Have a kid holding onto my arm crying and telling me you died? Not my idea of a picnic."

Leonard bends down and picks up the bottle, opening it easily enough against the tree. He takes a sip before looking at Mick again, an eyebrow going up. "Maya?" Of course. He would have guessed, if Mick hadn't told him. "Sorry. Didn't go as planned there." He can admit that much, but there's not really anything he can do about it now and he can barely muster up the energy to feel upset. There's no good way for Mick to learn about that. Truthfully, Maya might still have been a better choice than Ray, Rip or, hell, even Leonard himself.

"But no worries. Ain't nothing left that I know and you don't."

"Of course." Mick took a long gulp of his drink as he tried to get himself back up to his earlier state, feelings had made him feel awful and he didn't like it. He wanted them all to just go away already. He took a few moments, fingers playing around with the ring in his palm as he looked down at the scorched ground and tried to muster up the ... courage? He guessed.

"Look, I know we don't do touchy feely and you probably don't care about this whole emotional thing but we had a lot of fun together, you and me. And if you gotta go out, I hope you went out with me there. In some way or another. Cause you and me? We're partners. And we fucked up, yeah but ... you're--you're, you know, you're... important to me." He got it out finally, spitting the words out. Feelings. Fuck them. "So. Yeah. Partners."

"We took down the bastards. The time masters. Screwed up their plan and took them down." Even if it meant that one of them had to die. It's easier, talking about destruction, revenge, anything that's not directly about how he feels. Leonard nods, holding the bottle in his hand, his fingers tightening around it a little as he looks down at Mick. "Partners."

With everything that word means to them both, even if just about anyone but them never really grasped it. "We met when you saved my life, Mick. I died saving yours."

"You shouldn't have, you dumb punk." Mick shook his head slowly, not feeling great about that but the gesture was touching. The idea of that little, scrawny kid he defended saving a guy like him? It still proved to be an entertaining thought in it's own unique way. "You didn't need to die for me to know you'd save my ass. I always knew. You saved my ass more than that. Constantly. You know what a fuck up I am."

He idly picked at the label of his beer bottle. "You've always been my hero, dumbass."

"You're drunk, Mick." But even as he drawls the words, there's a fondness to his voice that's rarely heard.

Leonard kneels down, the snow crunching under him. He sets the bottle down and his other hand touches the ground, half in the snow and half in ash, his fingers cold and smeared with black. There's no one else around and he looks at Mick, looking right into his eyes and this time it's a bit less painful or at least a different kind of pain.

"Please forgive me."

"Very but you knew that." Mick laughed a little because yeah, he was pretty drunk. No wonder he was all gross and emotional, he had way too many beers. He watched Leonard get closer and he tilts his head back a little, curious what he was going to do. He didn't what to expect. The closer he got, the more he found himself felling into this old, stupid, fond spell of theirs.

He missed this. He missed his partner.

"Forgiven." Mick leaned forward and placed a hand on the back of Leonard's head and part of his neck, careful with his movements, reading Leonard's expressions because touch was a dodgy subject but Mick knew his signs well. He knew what he was doing. He leaned in and rested their foreheads together, taking a moment to get properly close. "You forgive me?"

"Always." Not even any hesitation and he doesn't rehash the argument now, whether there is even anything to forgive in his case or not, it doesn't matter. His focus is more on Mick's hand against his skin, being this close to someone.

It's been rare that he's touched anyone over the last few months. It's always rare for him, of course, but in combination with Mick's anger, it has really driven home that point. He breathes slowly, lifting his hand to close it around Mick's forearm, no attempt at pushing him away. Just holding him. "I've no idea what this place is or why it's happening, Mick. But if nothing else... It ain't the worst."

It's a chance.

"Oh yeah, could be worse." Mick stayed like he was for a moment before letting go of Leonard and slumping back against the tree, to lazy to get back up. to be fair, he had a lot of beers and he was so chill at this point, his legs would probably never want to work. He picked up his drink and downed what remained of it before reaching out, snagging Leonard's shirt before he could properly retreat and looking him in the eyes.

This was his best friend. His soon to be dead best friend. He didn't want to not say anything he'd wished he'd said, especially when he wasn't sober.

"I love you, man."

"You are drunk," Leonard said to Mick in a tone that was at least as serious. He put a hand on Mick's shoulder and realised that, for Mick, he was relatively cold. Not surprising, given he must have been out here a while and was now literally sitting in the snow. He tilted his head in the direction of the mansion, tightening his grip and pulling Mick a little to encourage him to get up. "Time to go to bed, Mick. You're getting sentimental."

"But then I'd have to move." Mick hummed a little and slowly finished his beer, looking over at the mansion. He was freezing his ass off earlier, hence the fires but now, he was mostly pretty drunk. That left him warm and tingly. Though his ass was getting wet from the snow. Hmm. Mick groaned and forced himself upright... it took a few tries, no shock there, given the sheer amount of empty bottles lying around here. "I'm not sentimental. I don't do feelings." And, in the very same breath, he added. "I just want you to know how I feel cause I may not get many chances and we're friends. Friends share."

"Yeah? I ain't the sharing type, Mick." Leonard wrapped an arm around Mick, because he didn't overly trust his friend's ability to actually make it all the way to the mansion without taking a nap first. He knew him well.

"But we're friends, you're right." His heart's beating a bit harder than it ought to, but the enthusiasm was easily curbed just by the reminder that Mick was incredibly drunk right now. "If you remember tomorrow, anyway."

"I always remember. Name me one time the next day I didn't remember. I even remember that night I sang." Ah that night they hit up a karaoke bar and Mick got too drunk and too confident. He gripped onto Leonard and, together with a lot of stumbling, they managed to get to the mansion. It wasn't a long trek, just not easy when one of the parties is pretty drunk like this.

"You should know me by now. No matter how bad it gets, I remember. Like an -- what's the animal that doesn't forget? It is a elephant or a snake?" He can't quite remember. "I'm one of those."

"Elephant." Leonard provided the correct answer without even thinking about it, then glanced at Mick from the side as they approached the stairs. "I'll just be glad that you ain't singing tonight. Come on, Mick, get your ass up the stairs or you can sleep in the hall." It was not an empty threat. It had happened before.

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[closed] Is there any just cause for feeling like this?

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