"that's not what i...it's not about me. it's about you. your happiness."
He's just...it's becoming clear, even if they don't outright say it. He's standing in the way of their happiness. Like he stands in the way of everything. How can they be happy, when he knows what he knows? When he makes them feel the way he makes them feel?
"it's mattered since you came here."
Why would they believe that they matter to him at all?
"it was cold when you arrived. i let you borrow my jacket. we had the first honest discussion we've ever had. then chara showed up, and you weren't sure what to make of them, and i--misjudged them right away. but you said you'd look after them, and i told you i trusted you. and you did. you did look after 'em."
Two years. It's almost two years for both kids now. So much has happened.
"you helped me get to safety during that first zombie event. i caught you when ford switched off the gravity, and you told me that i was a good person. i think you even believed it. when you died in the tunnels, i wasn't sure you'd ever want to speak to me again. i thought distancing myself was the right thing to do. it wasn't. but you forgave me, somehow."
Did they mean it? Even then, did they mean it? He didn't deserve it, certainly.
"you said you wanted a hoodie like mine. you said we were family. and i was--scared. i wasn't ready. caring about someone that much was so...frightening. didn't realize until too late that i already cared. you talked to me, let me talk about...stuff i'd never spoken about with anyone. when i died, you...sat with me and we dropped mints into soda. you were patient. in neverland, when you didn't know me at all, you still wanted to protect me. to help. you listened. you've been there for me. i've tried to be there for you, and i've fallen--short. i've let you down."
He goes quiet for a bit. He's not sure what he's saying. There's a point here somewhere, he just...
He's talked so much. Why? Why is he doing this?
Isn't there some truth here he's simply not accepting?
"you said your favorite color was red. you said your favorite flavor was butterscotch cinnamon. you like licorice too, though. you prefer long sleeves. comfortable things. handmade stuff."
His eyelights dim, and he sags a little.
"you're imperfect. you make mistakes. you underestimate yourself. you overestimate yourself. if someone has to save you or help you, you think it's because you failed. but it's not."
This isn't helping.
"you're a kid."
He's going to really lose them this time.
"you deserve better than me. than all of us. you deserve the world. you deserve people who have never, ever hurt you."
It's over, isn't it?
So why is he still talking?
"family is...complicated. you're complicated. this...is complicated. and you might never forgive me. but you're family. and...no matter what else happens, i'll always think of you as family. as someone i--love. until wonderland sends me home."
no subject
He's just...it's becoming clear, even if they don't outright say it. He's standing in the way of their happiness. Like he stands in the way of everything. How can they be happy, when he knows what he knows? When he makes them feel the way he makes them feel?
"it's mattered since you came here."
Why would they believe that they matter to him at all?
"it was cold when you arrived. i let you borrow my jacket. we had the first honest discussion we've ever had. then chara showed up, and you weren't sure what to make of them, and i--misjudged them right away. but you said you'd look after them, and i told you i trusted you. and you did. you did look after 'em."
Two years. It's almost two years for both kids now. So much has happened.
"you helped me get to safety during that first zombie event. i caught you when ford switched off the gravity, and you told me that i was a good person. i think you even believed it. when you died in the tunnels, i wasn't sure you'd ever want to speak to me again. i thought distancing myself was the right thing to do. it wasn't. but you forgave me, somehow."
Did they mean it? Even then, did they mean it? He didn't deserve it, certainly.
"you said you wanted a hoodie like mine. you said we were family. and i was--scared. i wasn't ready. caring about someone that much was so...frightening. didn't realize until too late that i already cared. you talked to me, let me talk about...stuff i'd never spoken about with anyone. when i died, you...sat with me and we dropped mints into soda. you were patient. in neverland, when you didn't know me at all, you still wanted to protect me. to help. you listened. you've been there for me. i've tried to be there for you, and i've fallen--short. i've let you down."
He goes quiet for a bit. He's not sure what he's saying. There's a point here somewhere, he just...
He's talked so much. Why? Why is he doing this?
Isn't there some truth here he's simply not accepting?
"you said your favorite color was red. you said your favorite flavor was butterscotch cinnamon. you like licorice too, though. you prefer long sleeves. comfortable things. handmade stuff."
His eyelights dim, and he sags a little.
"you're imperfect. you make mistakes. you underestimate yourself. you overestimate yourself. if someone has to save you or help you, you think it's because you failed. but it's not."
This isn't helping.
"you're a kid."
He's going to really lose them this time.
"you deserve better than me. than all of us. you deserve the world. you deserve people who have never, ever hurt you."
It's over, isn't it?
So why is he still talking?
"family is...complicated. you're complicated. this...is complicated. and you might never forgive me. but you're family. and...no matter what else happens, i'll always think of you as family. as someone i--love. until wonderland sends me home."
It's over.