Dismissing Jasper as set dressing is a solid idea, the main downside being that she's not in on the memo. Sure she does seem to be all talk, but the purpose of her existence is to make things worse and she likes doing it, so she's not about to stop trying. This time she chimes in again when Lapis doesn't answer right away. "Oh, so you DO just want to fuse with her."
"Shut up!" Lapis snaps at her, but she was hesitating because she was already wavering, the anger having to weigh against a growing awareness that now she's just hurting Peridot herself. Again, she's gained far too much an understanding of why that is to dismiss it easily. And it's not fair at all when Lapis was trying to protect her, but then maybe protecting Peridot was still only a means to protect herself, in the end. Besides which, she does know better by this point, even if she has to be reminded of it. Peridot may very well even have the right answer for all she knows.
Lapis never wanted Peridot butting into these particular matters, which is something they've been over. This doesn't involve her. But it could if Lapis lets her in, in the same sense that any of their problems could become each other's concerns, because they're supposed to be a team and it's better to face things together than alone. And maybe, maybe that's the right thing to do. Still, if Peridot is to tie herself to all this baggage, that means it can get a hold on her too, and neither of them necessarily gets to choose how. Good or bad, what happened here was as intimate as anything can be.
And it's not like she gives any credence to what her illusory Jasper says, but she can't take Peridot's hand. She absolutely can't. Lapis finds herself clinically aware, like a glimpse through the eye of a storm, of how little control she has over herself right now, both emotionally and in a very literal sense. If she did that, she does not know what she would do next, and if it didn't free her from the loop... there is no amount of freedom or emotional well-being, ever, worth the tiniest iota of risk that she might still keep acting it out at that point.
"I know," she says to Peridot miserably, and the walls have at least crumbled enough for some proper honesty. "But it's not that simple. I don't know what to do either, but you can't just pull me out and fix this. And I want to listen to you, but you don't understand what you're getting into, and I don't..." She swallows. She can do better. "I'm scared of that."
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"Shut up!" Lapis snaps at her, but she was hesitating because she was already wavering, the anger having to weigh against a growing awareness that now she's just hurting Peridot herself. Again, she's gained far too much an understanding of why that is to dismiss it easily. And it's not fair at all when Lapis was trying to protect her, but then maybe protecting Peridot was still only a means to protect herself, in the end. Besides which, she does know better by this point, even if she has to be reminded of it. Peridot may very well even have the right answer for all she knows.
Lapis never wanted Peridot butting into these particular matters, which is something they've been over. This doesn't involve her. But it could if Lapis lets her in, in the same sense that any of their problems could become each other's concerns, because they're supposed to be a team and it's better to face things together than alone. And maybe, maybe that's the right thing to do. Still, if Peridot is to tie herself to all this baggage, that means it can get a hold on her too, and neither of them necessarily gets to choose how. Good or bad, what happened here was as intimate as anything can be.
And it's not like she gives any credence to what her illusory Jasper says, but she can't take Peridot's hand. She absolutely can't. Lapis finds herself clinically aware, like a glimpse through the eye of a storm, of how little control she has over herself right now, both emotionally and in a very literal sense. If she did that, she does not know what she would do next, and if it didn't free her from the loop... there is no amount of freedom or emotional well-being, ever, worth the tiniest iota of risk that she might still keep acting it out at that point.
"I know," she says to Peridot miserably, and the walls have at least crumbled enough for some proper honesty. "But it's not that simple. I don't know what to do either, but you can't just pull me out and fix this. And I want to listen to you, but you don't understand what you're getting into, and I don't..." She swallows. She can do better. "I'm scared of that."