"It has nothing to do with what he looks like," is the almost automatic response, but it's almost too defensive, as though she has her own doubts about that particular detail. She's asked herself countless times if that was the main reason, hell, if it was the only reason, but she'd decided no, it wasn't. Ellen was right, it didn't hurt, although sometimes she wished he didn't look like Dean if only because it would keep that seed of doubt from rooting itself in her so deeply. She knew it was a major factor in helping her feel comfortable around him sooner than she might have otherwise. Aside from that -- projecting was dangerous territory. She didn't want to go there, but more than what made him similar to Dean, it was everything that made him so radically different than she liked.
"I'm pretty sure that when he got here, I was the only one who didn't make a huge deal about who or what he looked like." That, at least, was the honest truth. There's no doubt in her voice now. "Nobody else even thought to treat him like a person at first." It had been frustrating to witness. As uncanny as the resemblance was, it wasn't what defined him.
She gives Ellen a long look before taking another pull of her beer, and at the advice, she actually manages a bittersweet half-smile. "That's just it. I'm not asking you to fix anything for me. I don't need someone else to clean it up. We've made peace." She was on sabbatical from the bar a bit longer, but that was her choice. She was pretty sure there was a standing invitation to come back, they'd both known she wasn't stepping away from it forever, but they'd needed space. A break had been necessary. "I'm not saying things are perfect, and a little more time and space is probably in order, but we're talking. And-- I mean, we talked about everything. How it happened wasn't ideal, but he actually agrees with me."
It sucked. The way it went down had just been one mistake after another, and it hurt, but maybe what hurt them both more than the betrayal and the resulting fallout was the fact that their relationship had been uneven. That was why Dean worked so damn hard to take it out on Tom when he couldn't stay mad at Jo herself, even though she had been the one to make the choices that hurt him. He didn't love her, and they both knew it, and they were both disappointed as hell. It was the same reason why Dean insisted on telling people she'd slept with someone else, when that hadn't exactly been the case. It bothered him more that sex had nothing to do with it -- but that someone else had given her something he was unable to, and it was enough to get her to leave him.
She carefully lays a hand over Ellen's against her face, looking down into her beer. "I just wanted you to hear about it from me first. That's all. I know I screwed up, and I'm not proud of myself. Everything's as fixed as it's gonna be until time heals the rest. Just didn't want you to think I was hiding anything. I'm not." She looks up, her mouth set into a hard line. "I haven't run or tried to hide from my mistakes. I owned up to them and made things right the best way I knew how."
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"I'm pretty sure that when he got here, I was the only one who didn't make a huge deal about who or what he looked like." That, at least, was the honest truth. There's no doubt in her voice now. "Nobody else even thought to treat him like a person at first." It had been frustrating to witness. As uncanny as the resemblance was, it wasn't what defined him.
She gives Ellen a long look before taking another pull of her beer, and at the advice, she actually manages a bittersweet half-smile. "That's just it. I'm not asking you to fix anything for me. I don't need someone else to clean it up. We've made peace." She was on sabbatical from the bar a bit longer, but that was her choice. She was pretty sure there was a standing invitation to come back, they'd both known she wasn't stepping away from it forever, but they'd needed space. A break had been necessary. "I'm not saying things are perfect, and a little more time and space is probably in order, but we're talking. And-- I mean, we talked about everything. How it happened wasn't ideal, but he actually agrees with me."
It sucked. The way it went down had just been one mistake after another, and it hurt, but maybe what hurt them both more than the betrayal and the resulting fallout was the fact that their relationship had been uneven. That was why Dean worked so damn hard to take it out on Tom when he couldn't stay mad at Jo herself, even though she had been the one to make the choices that hurt him. He didn't love her, and they both knew it, and they were both disappointed as hell. It was the same reason why Dean insisted on telling people she'd slept with someone else, when that hadn't exactly been the case. It bothered him more that sex had nothing to do with it -- but that someone else had given her something he was unable to, and it was enough to get her to leave him.
She carefully lays a hand over Ellen's against her face, looking down into her beer. "I just wanted you to hear about it from me first. That's all. I know I screwed up, and I'm not proud of myself. Everything's as fixed as it's gonna be until time heals the rest. Just didn't want you to think I was hiding anything. I'm not." She looks up, her mouth set into a hard line. "I haven't run or tried to hide from my mistakes. I owned up to them and made things right the best way I knew how."