The hand holding Remus's wand finally starts to shake. He holds James's gaze too, and beneath all the other emotions, there's…
(proving he can't help but believe you)
…a matching guilt.
"Don't be sorry," he says, throat gone dry with shame. "It's not your fault."
James was right, he was always right about such things. …To a point.
But someone like James, so naturally confident and self-possessed in the world, so pure in his own motivations—which even if short-sighted or thoughtless always boiled down to a delight in their very existence and love of others in it and desire to make it all the more exciting and wonderful and worthwhile for everyone… someone for whom his own being came effortlessly… could be blind to how other people may truly think, feel, exist differently. How they could have thoughts, insecurities, jealousies, doubts that would never enter his head. Or he'd underestimate. Things like… Remus being not just afraid but ashamed of his predicament. Not thinking he deserved such help. Or owed it to the world to justify the space he took up in it, make up for all the harm he could potentially cause, and thus must find his own way.
…And more shamefully still…
"I wouldn't take it."
Because no matter how much they'd all swore not to drift apart after school, wars don't care for friendship pledges, and no matter how it was in service of what they'd all sworn to do, what they all agreed was vital, what they nominally shared, every separate and separating mission, every radio silence, every day where they failed to know what the others were doing, couldn't share their joys or their pains, not rationally but viscerally felt like a betrayal… at least to him…
"You tried to help me and I backed away."
But that wasn't all of it, was it Moon. Was it. Prongs'd never understand, he'd never let such feelings get between him and a friend. But you're not as good as him. Which is why Lily was always going to be with James in love and marriage. …But was she never going to work with anyone else again, either? She was my friend and academic partner, first! Before…
"Even before…"
His eyes flicker to Sirius.
That's a pain that goes beyond guilt or shame or anger or betrayal. It's just… chasm.
Do you really believe he could do that? Of course not! But that's the point: does it matter what I believe? Everyone can be wrong. Including me… Let me see him We can't allow him to manipulate you as he must have done all along Let me talk to him, let me see him
Remus looks at Sirius with empty eyes.
Of course I remember. Even if I didn't tell you back what it meant to me to be confided in. Even if I couldn't really understand what it meant to have a brother… but I could imagine because you…
Slowly shakes his head like he's trying to wake up.
no subject
(proving he can't help but believe you)
…a matching guilt.
"Don't be sorry," he says, throat gone dry with shame. "It's not your fault."
James was right, he was always right about such things. …To a point.
But someone like James, so naturally confident and self-possessed in the world, so pure in his own motivations—which even if short-sighted or thoughtless always boiled down to a delight in their very existence and love of others in it and desire to make it all the more exciting and wonderful and worthwhile for everyone… someone for whom his own being came effortlessly… could be blind to how other people may truly think, feel, exist differently. How they could have thoughts, insecurities, jealousies, doubts that would never enter his head. Or he'd underestimate. Things like… Remus being not just afraid but ashamed of his predicament. Not thinking he deserved such help. Or owed it to the world to justify the space he took up in it, make up for all the harm he could potentially cause, and thus must find his own way.
…And more shamefully still…
"I wouldn't take it."
Because no matter how much they'd all swore not to drift apart after school, wars don't care for friendship pledges, and no matter how it was in service of what they'd all sworn to do, what they all agreed was vital, what they nominally shared, every separate and separating mission, every radio silence, every day where they failed to know what the others were doing, couldn't share their joys or their pains, not rationally but viscerally felt like a betrayal… at least to him…
"You tried to help me and I backed away."
But that wasn't all of it, was it Moon. Was it. Prongs'd never understand, he'd never let such feelings get between him and a friend. But you're not as good as him. Which is why Lily was always going to be with James in love and marriage. …But was she never going to work with anyone else again, either? She was my friend and academic partner, first! Before…
"Even before…"
His eyes flicker to Sirius.
That's a pain that goes beyond guilt or shame or anger or betrayal. It's just… chasm.
Do you really believe he could do that?
Of course not! But that's the point: does it matter what I believe?
Everyone can be wrong. Including me…
Let me see him
We can't allow him to manipulate you as he must have done all along
Let me talk to him, let me see him
Remus looks at Sirius with empty eyes.
Of course I remember. Even if I didn't tell you back what it meant to me to be confided in. Even if I couldn't really understand what it meant to have a brother… but I could imagine because you…
Slowly shakes his head like he's trying to wake up.
who are you how could you
Everyone can be wrong.
Remus lets his wand drop to his side.
"All right," he says hoarsely.
"Explain."