entrancelogs | [ota] It leaves us with regrets and picks apart the threads

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[ota] It leaves us with regrets and picks apart the threads

Who: Clementine + you
Where: Mansion
When: April 5 - 12. Plus, all of April and May
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Clementine returns from her canon update. Feel free to reply to the network post here since I won't actually spam the network community too. Action spam or prose is totally cool with me.
The Story: First week and a half

It's warm.

She's felt like she was freezing since she fell into the lake of ice. Was that really just yesterday? It's warm here. Her hands press to grass, and she stares at the ground, shuddering because she thinks the frozen water might have seeped into her blood. She knows it's warm but she still feels cold.

She's back in Wonderland. A rush of memories, of emotion hits her. There are so many people she cares about here, and she hasn't seen them since she left, and it feels like she's been gone for years instead of- days. Weeks? Time is funny.

AJ isn't in her arms anymore. It's just him and her now. Seems right. She can't trust people anymore.

Now that the adrenaline has faded away, the bullet wound in her shoulder hurts like fucking hell. She killed someone else she cared about. Again. Does she even belong in this place with people who are good, who do what's right? If they knew, what the fuck would they think of her. She feels like she might be sick, but there's nothing in her stomach to puke anyway so it's just her insides twisting around like knots.

She pulls her network device out, texting a quick open network post, because she won't remember everyone she'll want to text to let them know:

It's Clementine. I'm back. In my room.

If anyone is up at night, they might run into her, a child with blood on the shoulder of her jacket with a very clear hole through it. No gun for once. She left it with the last dead body she's left behind her.

When she finally makes it into her room. She writes the names of more dead people on the wall (Sarita, Sarah, Luke, Rebecca, Kenny). She pulls out blankets from the closet and piles them on the bed and puts herself underneath them, but it doesn't help with the cold. She tries to get out of the damn jacket, but she hisses out pain and stops midway. She stays there for a week and a half without leaving.

Rest of April/May

Eventually, later in the month, she finally leaves her room again. She's got the small shot gun from Christmas with her, holstered to her back.

She's in the cafeteria in short sleeves, which means she's revealing a certain scar for the first time since she came to Wonderland. Sometimes she's reading books about taking care of babies as if osmosis will happen if when she's sent back. Somewhere in between reading how often they have to feed and sleep, she tosses the book away from her so hard that it almost hits somebody.

Then she picks up baking. She used to with her mother all the time, and if she can kill people and survive walkers and gun shots and ice lakes, she can make some cookies if the recipes right there, right? Maybe.

She ends up making a big mess in the kitchen as she tries to spoon big chunks of cookie dough out on to pans, smirking at her giant mess. It's kind of hilarious she can survive so much and fight so hard and then get defeated by cookie dough.

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"You're here," Iris repeats, if only to give Clementine further confirmation.

Sometimes it helps to say things out loud, only to remind yourself that they're true. It's like pinching yourself to make sure that you're not dreaming. And this is not a dream. Iris is embracing her tightly, a hand resting on the small of Clementine's back. For a long time, she doesn't say anything. She doesn't think she needs to. It's only until Clementine stops trembling that Iris even thinks to pull back.

And she smiles, even if it's really damn hard to smile. There's always reasons to smile if you look for them, even when things seem hopeless. In this case, Iris West has an important reason: Clementine came back. Not everyone does.

Her eyes settle on the bandage that Clementine is sporting. "Think it's time to change that?"

It feels better to have let it all out as if she can expel it from her chest simply by doing so, by allowing herself that with Iris. Clementine swallows and then nods at the question.

"Yeah. Sort of got too bloody." Her stomach does another twist but her hand grasps hold of Iris'. Back where she's from, she's not used to it. She can't afford it. This need, this expression of pain, but she's in Wonderland. She's with Iris.

It makes all the difference. She rests her face against Iris' arm.

"You ever changed bandages before?" She recognized when it was time so Clementine figures she has her own fair share of experience.

"Once or twice," Iris says with exaggerated coyness.

Knowing a superhero or two means that Iris patches them up every now and then. She's no expert, that would be Caitlin Snow, but she can hold her own when need be. Her hand gives Clementine's a light squeeze. "C'mon. Let's get you checked out."

She'll let Clementine take the first step, waiting until the younger girl leads them further into the room. It might be a cold comfort, all in all, but Iris would like to give her some semblance of control in what seems like a limited situation.

Clementine swallows and then moves further into the room, pushing herself up on to the bed. Everything is still as Iris helped her to make it. It's home. It's comforting. She doesn't- This is the home she has. There's none of that where she's from. She's never stopped moving long enough to have that ever again.

They can't. The comfort from having home is hard to describe.

She picks up the bandages from nearby as well as the warm cloth and soap to help clean the wound. She bites down on her lower lip, reaching up to indicate where the bandage's supposed to be taken off from.

Iris has been in Clementine's room before many a good time and vice versa. It's why she knows where the bathroom is, and it's why she steps inside with the comfort of someone who has moved around in this space before. She washes her hands thoroughly, and she even grabs some gloves from the closet on her way back out. She doesn't want to take any chances and risk infection.

She gingerly sits beside Clementine, and gives her a wordless nod of understanding.

With a great deal of care, she begins to move the tape. With a similar sort of caution, she ventures to ask, "What happened?"

"One person in our group was unstable, dangerous. He beat the shit out of this prisoner we had. The prisoner was a few years older than me, and I guess a couple other people in our group decided they couldn't stay. They were afraid of him." She shakes her head. "They freed the prisoner, and they were gonna take off with him, but I heard them. They were stealing our food and our truck."

Clementine watches as Iris takes the bandage off from her shoulder. She understands. Kenny was unstable, but she didn't know what the hell else to do. Jane forced her hand in the end by manipulating the whole situation. She swallows.

"I had my gun pointed at them, but I was gonna give it over, cause-" She didn't want to shoot anyone else she cared about. "The prisoner shot me."

Iris has no proper experience with the walker world Clementine comes from, but there have been several zombie events now, and they did have to see Georgia and Shaun — Iris does have some idea of what Clementine means by unstable and dangerous. People are no longer themselves once they're bitten. Clementine and Iris were forced to do the unthinkable, but at least in Wonderland, there's the guarantee they'll come back.

No such thing in the real world.

Iris places the old dressing gauze into a plastic bag, and it's with gentility that she'll clean the wound, using little more than warm water, soap, and a spongy washcloth. "Then you were brought immediately back?" Iris asks, voice still quiet and measured.

That's the terrible thing, isn't it? Kenny was never bitten. He was human. A bite kills a person, and then their dead corpse (free of any hint of who they were) comes back. He would have continued being human and alive if Clementine hadn't put a bullet in his head. He wasn't the first person she's killed. He's the first person she's cared about who wasn't going to become a walker--

Who could have kept living, who posed no threat to Clementine-

"No." She closes her eyes and leans into Iris' touch quietly, closely. "I came to in the car. Jane and Kenny were arguing. AJ, he was just born, and he- he was crying."

None of those names are familiar to Iris, but it might help if she keeps the conversation flowing as she changes the bandage. It's not that Iris won't be gentle and careful, but it's not a pleasing sensation, either. The wound is fresh. Clementine got shot. Her nerves are frayed just at the thought, but Iris is good at pushing it aside, at least for the time being. She can feel it all later.

Right now? Right now she needs to do whatever she can to help Clementine.

"AJ?" Iris prompts. Of all the names she is saying, his is the one that draws her attention the most.

"One of our group, Rebecca was pregnant, and she'd given birth a few days earlier. She died. Something from giving birth, I guess," Clementine doesn't really know. They'd been walking, and they had to rest, because she was struggling. She was in pain. If they'd been able to stay in one place and rest, would she have been okay?

She doesn't know. Her gaze darts over to the wound, and she winces. It hurts, but it doesn't hurt as bad as when she got the scar on her arm or when she was shot to start with.

"We named him AJ after his dad. He was Alvin Jr. They were arguing in the car about where we should go, and Kenny was- He lost a lot. It just made him a mess of a person, and he lashed out a lot."

It's about now that Iris is realizing Kenny wasn't bitten. He was just overwhelmed by circumstance. And she supposes she can understand that, to a point. Iris doesn't pretend to know what it must be like to survive the end of the world. But her priority is Clementine, and she still can't help but be fiercely protective. She's wrapping up the bandage now, nodding along to convey she is listening.

"I know you must be worried about him."

A.J., but also everyone that she left behind. Iris is worried, too.

A child responsible for a baby and so much more. It isn't fair. Iris still wishes she could make it fair. She doesn't often feel powerless, but she does in this instance. "But I'm also really glad you're back. So are a lot of other people."

"I don't know what I'm going to do," Clementine admits quietly, folding her hands together tightly as she glances over at the bandage.

There's a soft smile.

"You have done this before. Nice work." Then those words. They slam into her chest hard especially given how very alone she is now back there. She swallows thickly, nodding, as her eyes burn. "I'm really glad I'm back too. I can trust people here. I don't want to go back."

She just gets now there's no choice. She gets this place is not real as much as she might want it to be. Her hand wraps around Iris' to cling hold tightly.

Thing is, Iris doesn't know what Clementine is going to do. Not all of the hope and belief in the world changes her circumstance, or the fact that they're worlds apart when they're home. Iris can't step in and be the one to take care of A.J. for Clementine, even if she would without question. It's too much for one person. And Iris doesn't doubt Clementine can handle anything, but she shouldn't have to.

Her smile almost wanes, but Iris makes it hold as she squeezes Clementine's fingers back in response.

Clementine admitting she doesn't want to go back

"I'm working on it, okay?" she asks. "And I'm not going to stop until I find out how to make that happen."

Which isn't to say Clementine needs to stay here. But if Iris could ever bring her back to her Earth, the way the Wells' ended up there ... it'd be Clementine's choice, of course, but Iris would want to. Joe would love her. Wally would love her.

Clementine would love it. Iris' world.

She would love to meet her family. She would love to see her city, see what she does, explore it with her, have a home again. See so many people in one place, alive.

"I want to help," she says quickly, because she doesn't know how long she can sit around, worrying about going back. As much as she's grateful to be in Wonderland, there's so much time here to think about what happened before and to think of the blood on her hands and to think of everything she's saw and done.

"I don't know how I can, but... I want to."

She knows how to survive. Wonderland is about more than surviving. There's a mystery here. There's a power greater than all of them, but she has to believe they can control it. She has to.

"You already do," Iris reminds Clementine.

She knows what it's like to feel like whatever you do isn't enough, but it's important for Iris to point out that Clementine does plenty. "You're interning for Georgia. You're teaching others about zombies, and you're helping her keep The Shattered Mirror alive. The reason it exists is to find the truth and to search for answers. That's all we can keep doing."

And trust that eventually, if they don't give up, it's going to lead somewhere.

Because Clementine is right. There's a greater power at work, and it keeps yanking their chain.

Clementine smiles a little at the reminder. Survival becomes all there is. She forgot she'd built a life here. She has a home. She has people she can count on without worrying about when they're going to stab her in the back or fuck up and leave her to deal with the consequences. It's been about so much more than that in Wonderland.

"I know this is kind of an asshole thing to say, but I'm glad you're still here," she says, because it is a terrible thing to say and feel. She feels it though.

Wonderland keeps Iris away from her life and her family.

It's a prison. It's not real.

"It's not," Iris is quick to reassure, lifting her hand to gently tuck an errant curl over Clementine's ear once it's escaped her cap. She thinks, especially considering Clementine's situation, that it's understandable to want the people you care about around.

More importantly: "I'm glad I'm here, too."

Right in this moment, she absolutely means it. Because Clementine is her family, too.

And now that she is patched up, Iris will brace her hands on her knees and bring herself to her feet. "Are you hungry? I brought breakfast. It's probably cold by now, but it's one of the perks Wonderland gives us. We can heat it back up in no time."

Clementine smiles. Her eyes fill with emotion at the gesture of affection, at Iris being able to give those words back to her. She would understand if she couldn't. There's plenty of reasons for people to hate it but she can't, and Iris is Clementine's family too.

She's down to just the one back where she's from, a baby.

"...yeah, actually I am now."

She'd been feeling sick since she returned, but she feels better now, settled.

"What'd you bring?"

"Waffles," Iris answers with decisiveness. "Which are superior to pancakes, and don't let anyone tell you any differently."

She leads Clementine to a cute lil' table to set everything out for them. She heats up the food that's gone cold, if any, and pours Clementine some orange juice. Iris doesn't know when Clementine last ate properly, but Iris is going to make sure that she has a hearty breakfast.

Joe did always say it was the most important meal of the day.

"Because of the holes that catch the syrup?" It makes perfect logical sense to her, okay? Clementine takes a sip of the orange juice. It's delicious, and the food looks good too.

She's smart enough this time to not add too much syrup since her body's not used to too much of anything food related after being back in her own world.

It all looks delicious. She's hungry, and it's good to share breakfast with- with family.

"The pockets, yes! See, I knew you'd get it."

Clementine is a sharp girl, after all. The indentations are deep enough that they catch the syrup and the butter perfectly. Iris finds them superior to pancakes and most everything else, really. Sorry, pancake lovers. It's just how it is.

She eyes Clementine subtly as they sit down to have their breakfast, nudging a small bowl of fruits in her direction, too. She should only eat what she is able to, and at her own pace, but Iris wants to at least give her options.

"What's your favorite food?"

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[ota] It leaves us with regrets and picks apart the threads

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