entrancelogs | It may very well be the worst thing that's ever happened to you!

Entry tags:

It may very well be the worst thing that's ever happened to you! | OPEN MINGLE

Who: EVERYONE!
Where: EVERYWHERE!
When: Friday October 27th - Tuesday October 31st
Rating: PG-13, warn if you're gonna go higher!
Summary: A catch all for the Horrible Memory Truth Event!
The Story:

For the duration of this event, everyone's entire room will be replaced with a memory playing on loop. They will likely recognize the moment as soon as they see it – it is a moment they remember as the worst moment of their entire lives. It could be a memory from home or something that happened in Wonderland. Lengths of the memories will vary, but they will find that these are not memories they can merely watch – they can step into these memories and attempt to make changes to them, and the memories will be long enough that they have time to make changes (though no more than 24 hours). However, anyone who tries will find that it is futile. No matter what you do or how hard you try, the outcome is always exactly the same somehow. No changes you make will prevent that horrible outcome. It just happens over and over and over again no matter what you do.

On top of that, perhaps complicating any attempts to make changes, everyone will be forced to be honest for the duration of the event. No lies or half-truths are allowed, and filters will be gone for the entire five days. If something bothers someone then they will blurt it out, regardless of whether or not it hurts someone's feelings, and no one will be able to simply keep quiet when they have something to say. They must be truthful and honest with every word they say.

This is a catch-all log for all of your Worst Memory needs! Please mark your threads clearly in the subject line with your character's name and Room Number + Floor for character rooms, or just location if you're making a top level for a public place in the mansion (like the tea rooms or the kitchen) so people can see if there's already a thread available. And here's the plot post if you need it!

Have fun!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

This isn't how it's supposed to go.

It hasn't gone very well at all from the beginning. They are not forgiving and they are not forgiven; unforgivable down both roads, along both roads diverging in a yellow wood. What they did was wrong. They know it was. There just - wasn't any other way, it seemed. No death was permanent, because there would always be a voice pleading desperately for them to continue in Asgore's deep-bass rumble, always an urge to get up from the bed of golden flowers with the soft petals framing their hair as it fanned out across the slightly crushed blooms.

"I didn't know what else to do," they say at last. And it's...true, isn't it? "Every time I died, I had to get back up again. And when I was that tired, I - there was no other way to stop. No way to stop it unless I stopped everything else."

Selfish. Undeniably selfish.

What kind of person is that? A person willing to drag everything else down in their path, to get what they want? How are they meant to be a good person at heart, despite everything, if that's still there?

...That's a piece she was missing, wasn't it. When she tried to imagine it, she wasn't doing so from the perspective of a child who she found trying to disappear forever in a library, that might not be angry just at the world, but the fact that they have to keep being a part of the world.

It doesn't change anything she said. But it makes the pieces fit together just a little better, and it's a good reminder, she can't really fully understand another person's thoughts.

"You do not have to justify yourself to me, Frisk. That is what I was saying. Regardless of why you did it, regardless of my own feelings on it- you have moved past it, and improved."

And that's the worst thing. She really means it. She can't afford not to. Not right now.

One corner of their mouth presses tightly, purses, and their hooded gaze drops. The weed slips out between dirt-crusted fingertips and thumps softly atop the grass.

"I haven't." They're going to ruin this too, aren't they? They're good at that too. "Every time I see Asriel, or Chara, I'm just reminded. They're everything I'm not ever going to be."

And it burns the back of their throat so hard that it blisters.

"...In what way?" Toriel... isn't quite sure what they mean. She can think of two possible things they might be saying, but... no, it's probably not because of how they're her children but Frisk isn't. She can see them being a bit bitter about that, but... it doesn't make sense to be bringing that up now.

"Do you think it is because they are better people than you are? Because, Frisk... you are not them, and you should not feel like you have to be like them. That is not a healthy way to think, and that aside- they are not perfect people. Especially Chara."

...Toriel would have preferred not to add that last part. But the truth is, whatever flaws Asriel has, they aren't quite as much of an issue as 'stabbed some people', extenuating circumstances aside. The thought popped into her head that the flaws are much more obvious there, so of course the stupid thing had to come out of her mouth.

She doesn't know about everything Asriel's done. Everything Flowey's done. Regardless, they wince, and glance away, and all they can do, all they can do is torque the words bubbling in their gut toward something that's theirs. Not his.

They've told enough people his secrets.

"No. Because they're yours."

Because they're her children.

They're a family.

And Frisk knows better than to impose.

"Oh. I thought it might have been that, but it seemed a little silly to be jealous of them about that immediately after talking about whether or not you were still a good person. Something of a step down in importance, I suppose."

This, honestly, is one of Toriel's least favorite things about this truth stuff. The inability to hold back small, dumb things like that. It makes her seem very petty and sounding like she's looking down on them.

"Not that you are not allowed to feel that way, it is a perfectly valid thing to be bothered about. But still... I think, something that you do not need to be so bothered about. You do not need to place so much value upon me, or having me as your mother. Your own worth does not depend on what others think of you."

"This is not very good advice." The words come very quickly after, because... well, she feels it's true. It's nice to say, just some generic positive things, but... it's not going to deal with the loneliness that a child with no family would feel. "I just... I feel like there is something I am trying to say, but I cannot quite get the words to form. And I do not even know if it would be helpful." She takes a moment, collecting her thoughts, before continuing. "I am not the only person that could be your family. I do not say that as an attempt to pawn you off onto someone else, and I do not think that you should try to force that kind of relationship. I am not saying you should go off looking for someone to fill that spot in your life. It should develop naturally, like it has between you and Chara. They are your family, and there is no denying that."

It's a bit silly, isn't it? Well, yes. They know it is. They're just a stupid kid. A stupid kid, with priorities all turned around. Of course they're going to say something, think something, that other people wont understand - that other people don't think they should be thinking.

Knows best for you.

"You're wrong. It always matters, what other people think." It's said simply, without an ounce of regret. "The Underground taught me that."

And that's...okay. Surely.

They believe it's okay.

"No. The Underground, like so many other things, was wrong. It is not even the first time they were wrong."

Toriel takes a deep breath, as she can just feel that the event is going to force her to mention some things she'd normally prefer not to. "After the deaths of Chara and Asriel... monsters had declared war on humans. They were wrong to do so- and they would not listen to me. So... I left. I could not live my life among those who would arbitrarily kill any human that fell down."

"For a Queen who abandoned her people in what they thought of as a time of need, to live a life of isolation... their thoughts must surely not have been flattering, but I did not care. I was acting by my morals. And I was also just... tired, and could not deal with all of that." ...Oh. Okay, that just slipped out. Great.

A moment passes, before she adds. "I am sorry if I am talking too much and making this about me instead of you. In truth, I would have preferred not to say any of that at all. Especially that last part. I... really would have preferred to keep that to myself."

Edited 2017-10-29 19:04 (UTC)

"I'd rather talk about other people anyway."

Ha. That's not so surprising, is it? Who wants to hear any of their stupid, childish garbage? Who wants to hear any of this stuff coming from the mouth of a kid, who's supposed to know better, who's supposed to understand that people love them and would do anything for them and shouldn't be greedy because certain precise people don't love them in certain precise ways that they can't help? People aren't their variables. They can't go adjusting them whenever they like, anymore.

They look up again, sharply, a fresh glint of something -

"...but I don't understand."

"I don't understand how you think that what you did was any different from what Asgore did."

They're going to ruin this. It was going so nicely, so much nicer than it should have, and now that they're talking, they can't shut up. The one thing Frisk is meant to be best at, and they can't even do that properly. They can't just shut their stupid mouth and, and -

And they keep talking.

"You just pretended things were all right when they weren't. And you let children walk to their deaths."

You hid the knives. You blunted the tools. You let them keep their phone, even if you never picked up. You knew. You knew that something was wrong, and you did nothing.

You knew.

And you did nothing.

"You're just as guilty as he is."

"...What would you have me do, Frisk?" Toriel wishes she could suppress the annoyance in her voice. Be calm and nice because they're just a kid, but she can't. "I did my best to keep them safe and give them a happy life. When it came down to it, though, none of them were satisfied with that life. They wanted to leave. They were determined to leave, no matter how much I told them of the risks and dangers that lay beyond the ruins. Now- what would you have me do? Make them a prisoner? Use force to keep them there? We have already established- that was wrong. I could not bring myself to do it, until the very last chance I had before Asgore would be forced to make good on his promise to wipe out humanity- and then I died for my trouble!"

Why is she getting angry. Why is she beginning to raise her voice to a child. Why is this event doing this to her. Just, try and calm down, don't get upset, don't think about- "How can you possibly compare the two of us?! Maybe I did not do all I could, but at least I did something. I was not just sitting there cheering on a cowardly murderer like the rest of my people. I was not the one who, time after time, looked down at an innocent child, and speared them through the goddamn chest. How can you even imply that we are the same??"

Toriel hates this event.

"You killed me." They shrug, the confession unperturbed and unperturbing, as far as they're concerned. "You killed me lots of times. You didn't mean to, but you did. And it hurt every time." They brush a pair of dirt-stained fingertips to one brown cheek. Being burned alive, it's...it's not always slow, and it's not always sudden. She hadn't meant to do it. They could see it in her shocked expression. But the echo of that blow still wavered at the edge of their thoughts, every time.

A step forward. You wanted to know how they could hate a world so terribly. You wanted to know how they could see nothing worth salvaging in an Underground, in a universe where children are struck down time and time again and it's treated as a sad inevitability. A tragedy. Something that was always going to happen.

"I called you." Their voice breaks, wavering. "So many times. I called your number, and you never picked up. You just sat there, alone, and washed your hands of all of us. As if that was all you could do. You could have gone with any of them. You could have protected them. You could have done anything."

Anything but leave them sobbing into a quiet receiver, where no one picked up. Anything but leave every child that perished on the way to sink into utter ruin, patience failing them, bravery failing them, every SOUL flickering and diminishing until finally there's nothing else left.

"Not meaning to do it doesn't make it hurt any less."

Toriel wants to stop being angry at them. But at the same time... she also kind of doesn't. When you are angry, when you get put on the defensive- it can be difficult to break from that mindset. When you work so vehemently to defend your actions, it's hard to take a step back from that and calm down to the person challenging you.

She's right about to keep shouting, keep defending herself, refuse to accept that she's anything like Asgore- but then their voice wavers like that. Sounding like they're almost about to cry as they talk about how lonely they were. She just... can't stay upset at a vulnerable child, and the fire inside her starts flickering out.

"...There was more at stake than just you, and I did not know any other way to keep you in the Ruins, and keep you alive. But that is a flimsy justification, and it does nothing for the pain you felt. It was still wrong."

Her voice is quieter now- not just quieter than she'd been when she was yelling, but quieter than before that, too. Just a little burnt out, after such a violent rush of emotions escaped her.

She takes a deep breath, sighing before continuing. "Protecting them... going with them, would have meant standing against my people. They did not listen to me all those years ago- they would not have listened to me then. I was certain that if I were to leave and help a human, then monsters would have been outraged. They would stand against me, and saving their lives would have meant having to end the lives of many monsters, and I just... I did not have that in me. I could not do it."

"That is... also, probably why I did not answer. Why I told you that you could not come back. I do not know for certain whether I told you that or not, but... I told every other human that. If monsters had learned that a human had arrived, then they would hunt you. If you came back to the Ruins, then they would follow. They would have learned that their Queen had not simply disappeared, but had been helping and protecting those that they perceived as their mortal enemies. And again, I would most likely have to fight, and the result for you would have been the same."

"But they did." Maybe that's why they can't say it. Why they can't just say I forgive you, and wash their hands of it. "In the best path. You come for me, and you save me, and I don't have to die. You stop Asgore. Everyone goes home happy."

That's not even the half of it. But in terms of her role in the events - it is. It's all that matters, in the end, because she did step in, and Asgore didn't want to hurt them, and she kept him from doing it.

All her fears, all her expectations...

Were they really for nothing?

Oh. So, they would have listened to her all along. She could have just...

...Except. Her train of thought is quickly interrupted. Something about it doesn't... it couldn't really have been that easy, could it? And normally, she'd just quash that thought down, blame herself for causing so, so many problems because of her own unwillingness to try. But instead, she voices that thought.

"What about outside of that best path?" she asks them. "Do I come for you then? Do the people listen to me in the timelines where you did not personally show everyone how not all humans are bad?"

She feels stupid for asking, really. Like she knows what the answer is going to be.

"No. Because you don't come." There are endings where...

There are endings.

"Sometimes you rule the Underground after Asgore dies. And you say that humans are going to be everyone's friends now, so no one has to die. Sometimes Undyne chases you out. Sometimes you just stay there. Sometimes someone comes back for you and lives with you in the Ruins."

In the endings where she lives. In the endings where they don't utterly ruin her.

"Sometimes I kill you. Because you make me. You tell me to be good, and then you..."

Is this it, then?

Is this what she wanted to hear?

"So it is not so easy as you say."

She's... actually surprised. But a little relieved. Sometimes, she tries to rule again and rejoin and guide her people- and they chase her out. Which is... unfortunate, but. She... she didn't pass up such a laughably easy solution. Those deaths... they couldn't have been avoided so easily if she just talked to them. Even if she had convinced Asgore, someone else would have come in, going off of the spark that he started.

"What is... what is the difference? In these timelines, the differences all hinge upon your actions, do they not? What changed, between timelines where they listened to what I had to say and timelines where they refused? The one where I left to help you?"

Toriel's looking at the ground, feeling... ashamed, that this is the main thing on her mind right now. It's selfish, but she wants to confirm her thoughts so bad, she...

"I just... I want to know it was not my fault. To be able to believe that they would have done the same if I had tried that before you showed up."

"I don't know what changes your mind." Is it just...time? The time it takes to talk to Alphys, the time it takes to talk to Undyne, the time it takes to venture down the...to the...the lab, the place underneath the lab in Hotland. The name for it, that Wonderland snatched away from them, deft and uncompromising.

"I can't tell you it wasn't your fault." It pits in their stomach. They can't reassure her. They can't forgive her. They can't give her any of the closure she desires.

The closure they stole away from under her.

"I don't know."

"...I suppose that was a little too much to ask." She sighs, shaking her head a bit. "Then... I will just have to have faith that I made the right choice."

She stares silently at the ground for a few seconds longer, before turning around. "I do not feel any pressing need to say anything else. It seems... that I may be out of truths to tell you for now. I think that I should leave, before that changes."

She starts to walk away- but stopping for just a second, to say one more thing. "I am sorry for all of this. Once the event is over, I will make you, Chara, and Asriel something nice to eat, to try to raise our spirits after this. Though I am sure that it will do little to make up for my conduct and what I have done to you."

Toriel sighs, and begins leaving the garden.

"I'm sorry that you - feel responsible." That's something that sounds more like them, at least. One of those truths that isn't completely unrelentingly awful, the way the rest of the things they've said are. They're sorry. And they're sorry.

They really are sorry.

"I know it's me. I know I'm still...the reason."

Even if so much went wrong before they fell, they're still the one that preyed on those things beyond their control. They're the one that reawakened those horrible memories. They're the one that did this to her.

But she's out of truths to give.

And so are they.

"So - I'm sorry."

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

It may very well be the worst thing that's ever happened to you! | OPEN MINGLE

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

1/3

no subject

3/3

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject