[ota] when did i become so numb?

[saved]

Who: Peter Parker and You.
Where: Outside/His room
When: 11/13 -> 11/20
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Peter returns from his canon update as a wreck. Approach with caution. Feel free to approach him outside, in the hallway, or if you know him, go to his room/contact him via device. (Warning: I apologize too if these threads don't go to AC length. He's shutting down and avoiding and tending to lash out. He'll get better and then the CR can build off of these short, emotional bursts. ).
The Story:

♪ It's been a couple weeks since it happened. It replays in his head with perfect clarity whenever he closes his eyes.

There's the desperateness that he reaches out with (webbing flinging out, attaching to her). He can feel the weight of her body against his hand as he tries to pull her up from an endless fall. He hears the crunch of her head hitting the pavement and the snap of her spine splitting in half. Gwen. He killed her in more ways than one. He'll never forget that sound (or that she was about to take a flight and be free to do great things).

He barely leaves his room. Why would he? He's not Spider-man anymore. He functions on the barest of levels because of his aunt- because she already lost Ben ( again because of him. Captain Stacy too. Father and daughter dead, a promise broken. Noticing a pattern? It's him).

A shroud weighs on him as he finds himself outside of the mansion, staring at it, processing it too slow, looking wrecked (like he hasn't eaten much or slept much or put on new clothes today).

A rush of memories spill in like rapids, intermingling strangely with what he has lived the last year or so (it's terrible they're made to forget). He had friends here. He had Mary Jane here. Memories clash together abruptly. None of these people are in his world. She's not in his world. It's just him. Alone.

Peter sinks down to the pavement. Breath catches in his lungs. He punches a hole into the ground, scraping and cracking his knuckles in the process. Tears build in his eyes. When he can move again, it's sharply like he's tightly wound, like he's jagged edges barely bound together, ready to lash out. Blood drips off his hand. He moves through the hallways straight to his room.

For the week, he stays there. Sometimes answering the door when there's a knock. Sometimes answering his device when someone calls. Sometimes lying in bed and not answering anything at all.

Comments

[morethan084]

[He doesn't seem to even notice her, but Daisy noticed Peter standing outside as she heads out to take a jog. He looks exhausted and like he's anywhere but here mentally, which is why she's approaching him cautiously to see if he's okay. She doesn't even have to ask because then he's on the floor punching the ground so hard that she can see the blood begin pooling on his knuckles.

Hurrying over to him, Daisy keeps a little bit of distance just in case he decides to lash out on her.]

Peter?

[The last time they had seen her was during that terrible event, and people were still recovering from it. For some it was a lot harder to move past it, which she figures is what's going on with him. Still, she asks anyway.]

What's wrong?

[saved]

( Peter swallows but doesn't really move. There's so reason the anger's bubbling up in this moment when he's swallowed it down for weeks. Wonderland is special. Wonderland has friends and family in it that knows about- about what he can do.

It has people like Daisy who he's fought beside before during Events. It has other powered people to fight the bad guys. It doesn't all revolve around him here. It's not always his direct failings when someone dies. Someone has his goddamn back so he's not trying to kill the bad guy and prevent someone from going splat on the ground. )

I was sent back.

( It's said distantly but sharply too as if it explains everything. )

[morethan084]

[He had gone home and she assumed something bad had happened there. Or he was just furious that he was once again back here after being there for however long. Either way he was clearly upset.]

I'm sorry.

[It's a vague apology because she doesn't know what happened. His hand was bleeding pretty bad though and while he was upset, Daisy wasn't sure if him being by himself right now was a great idea.]

Come on. We'll go wash this blood off, okay?

[saved]

( Peter shakes his head at the apology, sliding a hand over his face. She's been through her own shit. People go through so much shit. His jaw locks, and he pushes himself up to his feet.

He wants to fight against her, but finds he can't or doesn't or maybe they were just friends through so much bullshit that Wonderland sent at them that it's okay. )

Okay.

( He pushes himself up to his feet. )

You ever feel like you're responsible for all the bad shit that happens around you?

[morethan084]

[Daisy has her hand out in case he needs or wants help getting up, but the moment he's on his feet she puts her hand in the back pocket of her jeans.

His question wasn't one she was expecting, but clearly this had something to do with what happened back home.

God. If he only knew. Daisy let out a sharp exhale before answering him.]

All the time.

[Looking over at him as they walked, Daisy pushed a little bit.]

Did something bad happen to you, Peter?

[saved]

( It helps to know she understands. She gets it. Their last conversation was evidence enough of that, but she answers in a way he connects to.

Peter closes his eyes at the question. The weight of it rushing in, trying to overwhelm him with the truth of it. Will he ever stop hearing the cracking of Gwen's fucking spine? Will he ever stop hearing Harry's voice twisted and poisonous? )

Bad things happened because of me.

Bad things happened to people I cared about because of me-

( His voice cuts off, locking his jaw. )

It's happened from the goddamn start, and I can't-

text

[stereotypicaljock]

[Look, it's not that Jason's worried or anything. He doesn't want to come around infringing on Peter doing his Peter thing and being antisocial. But sometimes antisocial people need someone to give them a reason to remember the world exists. Maybe he's just waiting for an invitation.]

They say you're supposed to be back, right? U busy?

text

[saved]

( Peter doesn't reply immediately, because his device isn't on him. It's thrown across the room somewhere, and he doesn't care enough to get it when it goes off. He presses a hand to his own face. It takes a few hours. For the weeks since it happened, he was mostly left alone which was bad and good. In some ways he wanted to draw so far into himself that he could never reach out and hurt anyone again-

He reads the text, and it takes longer to write something back. )

Yeah. I'm back. And busy. Why?

Re: text

[stereotypicaljock]

[ the reply is late, and curt enough to be unfriendly. That could be a warning sign, but it's also Peter. Peter does his own thing. ]

Just wanted to check in. Make sure you're all right. There's some crazy stuff that can happen at home.

text.

[saved]

( it shouldn't take so long to come up with words, but he can't find his way to them as he stares at the screen for a long time. his hand slides over his face,
and he wants to yell at something. everything. his childhood friend became a superhero. gwen died because his webbing snapped her spine in two.

he could have saved her if he'd- if he'd grabbed her differently. there had to have been- like if he'd just stopped that robber, his uncle would have been alive. like how if he'd never looked into the mystery of his father then everyone would still be alive. and dr. connors wouldn't be in jail. and none of this would have happened. )

yeah. I'm okay. it was the same kind of shit that always goddamn happens. didn't have to happen but it did.

text.

[stereotypicaljock]

Lots of things happen without needing to.

Still got 10 fingers and 10 toes?

[actualwizard]

[ It’s been about a week since Peter disappeared; Billy figured he would be back by now, but he hadn’t heard from his friend yet. So he’s outside Peter’s door, knocking and hoping he’s there to answer it. If not Billy will wait until he comes back because frankly with the worlds they come from Billy is concerned about what he had to live through. ]

Peter? You in there?

[saved]

( If it weren't Billy's voice, Peter might not answer at all. He doesn't move at the knock, but then Billy says his name. He's one of the people that Peter's closest to. One of his close friends. He's trying to remember what that's like, being so tied to so many people. Mostly he wants to lash out because it won't last, because back home he's just guilty and angry. Because he makes big messes.

He opens the door but doesn't quite look at Billy. )

Yeah? ( He answers with a question, and then stumbles to other words. ) Yeah. I'm here.

[actualwizard]

[ Billy cocks his head, looking him over quickly. He doesn’t look good, more disheveled than usual. He assumes home has a way of doing that. ]

You’re back, are...is everything okay? [ He asks it gently, not wanting to upset him or assume anything. ]

[saved]

( Peter swallows, shoves his hands into his pockets, and takes several steps backwards with his head ducked as he shrugs. )

I think I'm probably the worst version of Peter Parker in anyone's existence. ( It's said after a moment. ) A lot of people die because of me. Pretty sure that's not a superhero thing.

[actualwizard]

[ Billy isn't sure what to say, Peter looks so broken and Billy knows that look,
he's been there. And there wasn't anything anyone could say to make it better. Still Peter is his friend, and he doesn't give up on his friends. ]

Pete. [ He doesn't really want to do this standing in the hallway. ] Can I come in?

[ If Peter says no, he won't push, he will let him be alone for the time being,
but he would come back and try again. ]

[dramatic]

MJ takes one look at him and knows.

Her room is right next to his, the way her aunt's house in Queens was once next door to a Peter Parker who already experienced this devastation. She wanted to protect him from the truth so badly. She would've let this secret hurt forever if it meant he didn't have to know. Was it a kind decision, or was it selfish? There's no way to be sure, not in this world of in-betweens and parallel lives that don't quite intersect when it counts.

She's only ever seen that look on his face once before. It was the night Gwen died; the night MJ attempted to comfort him. She had the very best intentions, and the worst possible execution. Story of her life, really. She doesn't know that it will be any different now. The right words don't come to MJ. She fails at knowing what to do or say in situations like these. It's why she envied Gwen's poise, the way she was -- she was good.

Gwen was the very best of all of them, and she is the one who should be here.

But MJ couldn't leave Peter then, and she can't leave Peter now.

Her shoulders droop with understanding, his own pain opening up a wound she never tended to. She ignored it because she was in Wonderland, carrying it alone, and now she doesn't have to. She hates that she doesn't have to. A whisper: "Peter...?"

[saved]

Peter takes one look at Mary Jane and knows too.

She comes into view in reality and some of those jagged pieces find their places again. The edges, the tension temporarily deflates.

She has already lived what he- what he just lived. She has already been through it.

He remembers. They were friends. They were close. There was a group of- a group of four of them. How can so much be the same and so much be horribly, terribly different? He falters like he's forgotten how to take a step. His eyes burn at the thought that- at the thought that there's someone else he can carry this with now, because he hasn't had that (has she? all this time?).

Peter opens his mouth but words fail to come out until they do strangled.

"You knew."

There's a pause in his shock, in the thunder that follows.

"You knew the whole time."

[dramatic]

There's the tiniest nod in response to his non-question.

She knew.

MJ is excellent at pretending. Exaggerating the parts of herself she wishes to draw attention to, and stifling the parts of her she would rather keep hidden. She is the fort knox of secrets when it comes to her friends, Peter and Gwen included -- Peter and Gwen especially. But outright lying to Peter when he is raw and asking for a truth... she can't do that. And more importantly, she doesn't want to.

"I was hoping it would be different -- "

Her voice cuts off as she swallows past the tightness gathering in her throat. Some key things are different, despite the many similarities their worlds share. She'd hoped against hope this would be another one of those differences. It's not. Gwen's dead. Gwen's...

Old habits die hard, and that indomitable instinct of hers to run is present, in spite of everything. Run away from the horrors and tragedy that continue to wrap themselves around this one man. But Mary Jane Watson has done her fair share of growing up, and she loves him so much. If he allows it, she'll bridge the distance between them, pulling him into her arms. "I'm so, so sorry, tiger."

[saved]

Peter doesn't move at all as she bridges the distance between them. He's still grappling with the thought she lived with this for as long as she did. She carried her own grief for losing her friend, and he's seen her- he's seen her emotions. He's seen she's more than pretending. He has witnessed who she is beyond what most people ever get the chance to see. He feels so lucky to have gotten to see it, to have gotten to really know and love her. And it helps to share this with her because she's lived it, because she cared for Gwen too.

Though he's been in Wonderland for almost an hour now unable to move from his spot, he feels like he's home, like the haze breaks free around him, and he's back to abruptly, suddenly being Peter.

His expression crumples. He feels the full weight of that grief as he lifts his arms up to wrap around her too. Something strangled, something grieving leaves him abruptly in its sound like a cross between a sob and a yell (grief and anger). Those tears slip down his face, and his fingertips dig into her back hard, pulling her closer to him, as close as he can get her.

He means to apologize too.

She lost her too, but he can't get words out yet. Instead all that leaves him is her name. "Mary Jane."

[dramatic]

MJ was bracing herself for anger.

Bracing herself for the very real possibility Peter would push her away. She almost can't bear what happens instead, can't take in the reality of who they are when he isn't hiding and she isn't pretending. But what else can she do when his arms wrap around her like they're in need? What else can she do when he's hurting and he is so much a part of her that it's hurting her, too?

She tightens her hold on him as that grievous sound reaches her, tugs at something in her heart she hasn't wanted to embrace. Her own eyes burn with tears. Gwen was so young; maybe it wasn't her Gwen this time around but it aches all the same. It matters all the same. MJ doesn't understand how it happens -- how someone so full of light can be there one minute and gone the next.

With her palm, MJ cups the back of his head, pulling him even closer. She's here, and as scary as it is, she isn't going anywhere. She's right here in his doorway, where she's always been.

[seasonforpeaches]

It's been a month since Taylor came to Wonderland, and in that month she's gone through quite the cornucopia of sensations. Labeling those feelings as mere emotions doesn't quite do it for her, since some of what she's felt has consisted of downright tangible experiences.

All in just a single month. God, has it only been a month?

She hasn't spent much time outside of her room since the last event; she found herself strangely attached to where those dreadful memories on repeat took place. It suddenly felt like the room became something—somewhere—she could finally call hers. But she knows she can't be tucked away forever, not that Taylor Townsend would ever want to be.

On her way down from the third floor, she comes across someone who may be on his way up; a rather worn-out man, by the looks of it, in this very hall.

"U-um... excuse me?" Taylor's hand reaches out, almost as though to place itself on his shoulder, but it doesn't get that far.

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to pry but... are you okay?"

[saved]

Peter senses her hand near him before she's even reached him, and he tenses, moving his shoulder away- moving his body away, hunching in on himself. His jaw locks, and his head lowers. There's so much guilt and anger and bitterness.

"I'm fine."

His hands are shoved into his pockets.

"Just trying to get back to my room."

[seasonforpeaches]

Her eyes widen slightly into a Bambi-eyed expression that tries to make up for the tension in her lips. She doesn't believe him, not even for a second.

"Oh, okay. Yeah!" She nods, "sure."

And if this were anyone she knew from back home, she would very much mean to pry and possibly repair because that's what Taylor does.

"I can catch a hint," she says passively, in a no-big-deal kind of way. "I was just, um, headed to grab a coffee if you wanna..." she trails off, not allowing herself to finish that lie. Not allowing herself to get involved, to fix a broken person who could possibly turn into a friend, which is exactly what she's trying to do.

"I'll see you around." Her tiny smile is merely pushing away the frown that's sure to make an appearance once she turns the other way.

[saved]

Peter isn't even able to manage a response at all. The old him would feel bad about the entire exchange, but there's so much guilt and pain and anger that it doesn't register as anything to feel bad about.

He turns away from her and keeps moving.

His room isn't far.