[ota] when did i become so numb?

[saved]

Who: Peter Parker and You.
Where: Outside/His room
When: 11/13 -> 11/20
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Peter returns from his canon update as a wreck. Approach with caution. Feel free to approach him outside, in the hallway, or if you know him, go to his room/contact him via device. (Warning: I apologize too if these threads don't go to AC length. He's shutting down and avoiding and tending to lash out. He'll get better and then the CR can build off of these short, emotional bursts. ).
The Story:

♪ It's been a couple weeks since it happened. It replays in his head with perfect clarity whenever he closes his eyes.

There's the desperateness that he reaches out with (webbing flinging out, attaching to her). He can feel the weight of her body against his hand as he tries to pull her up from an endless fall. He hears the crunch of her head hitting the pavement and the snap of her spine splitting in half. Gwen. He killed her in more ways than one. He'll never forget that sound (or that she was about to take a flight and be free to do great things).

He barely leaves his room. Why would he? He's not Spider-man anymore. He functions on the barest of levels because of his aunt- because she already lost Ben ( again because of him. Captain Stacy too. Father and daughter dead, a promise broken. Noticing a pattern? It's him).

A shroud weighs on him as he finds himself outside of the mansion, staring at it, processing it too slow, looking wrecked (like he hasn't eaten much or slept much or put on new clothes today).

A rush of memories spill in like rapids, intermingling strangely with what he has lived the last year or so (it's terrible they're made to forget). He had friends here. He had Mary Jane here. Memories clash together abruptly. None of these people are in his world. She's not in his world. It's just him. Alone.

Peter sinks down to the pavement. Breath catches in his lungs. He punches a hole into the ground, scraping and cracking his knuckles in the process. Tears build in his eyes. When he can move again, it's sharply like he's tightly wound, like he's jagged edges barely bound together, ready to lash out. Blood drips off his hand. He moves through the hallways straight to his room.

For the week, he stays there. Sometimes answering the door when there's a knock. Sometimes answering his device when someone calls. Sometimes lying in bed and not answering anything at all.

Comments

[saved]

( Peter shakes his head at the apology, sliding a hand over his face. She's been through her own shit. People go through so much shit. His jaw locks, and he pushes himself up to his feet.

He wants to fight against her, but finds he can't or doesn't or maybe they were just friends through so much bullshit that Wonderland sent at them that it's okay. )

Okay.

( He pushes himself up to his feet. )

You ever feel like you're responsible for all the bad shit that happens around you?

[morethan084]

[Daisy has her hand out in case he needs or wants help getting up, but the moment he's on his feet she puts her hand in the back pocket of her jeans.

His question wasn't one she was expecting, but clearly this had something to do with what happened back home.

God. If he only knew. Daisy let out a sharp exhale before answering him.]

All the time.

[Looking over at him as they walked, Daisy pushed a little bit.]

Did something bad happen to you, Peter?

[saved]

( It helps to know she understands. She gets it. Their last conversation was evidence enough of that, but she answers in a way he connects to.

Peter closes his eyes at the question. The weight of it rushing in, trying to overwhelm him with the truth of it. Will he ever stop hearing the cracking of Gwen's fucking spine? Will he ever stop hearing Harry's voice twisted and poisonous? )

Bad things happened because of me.

Bad things happened to people I cared about because of me-

( His voice cuts off, locking his jaw. )

It's happened from the goddamn start, and I can't-

[morethan084]

[Daisy could relate far too much to this. She blamed herself every day for what happened to Lincoln, even if she kept it to herself. It put a strain on her and the others, even though here Jemma and Fitz hadn't gone through all of that. Daisy found it difficult to just jump back to how they used to be, how they remember it being.

Frowning, Daisy reached out to squeeze his shoulder lightly. Moving into the kitchen with him, Daisy turned on the faucet so he could stick his hand under the cold water while she went to grab some ice. Wrapping them in a towel she waited until he was done rinsing off his hand before helping to put it on his knuckles.]

We don't have to talk about it, if you don't want to.

[saved]

( Peter sinks his hands into the cold water. Grateful she's just doing these things without- without asking for more information, without pulling apart what he's saying. They can exist like this with a shared understanding (does she share his anger too? his grief and his guilt?) He almost feels like she does, like she might.

He pulls his hands out of the water, watching them drip as she wraps the towel around them. )

Thank you. ( His voice is low. He hesitates but falls back on the shared understanding. ) I don't now if I know how to talk about it all. ( His shoulders tense. ) People die because of me. I wanted so badly to do the opposite- to use these powers to help people, but it still happens all the time.

[morethan084]

[Yep. Daisy could definitely relate to that. That's all she was trying to do, even when she left SHIELD. Yet the media put its own spin on it, and somehow she ended up on the Most Wanted list. People still got hurt because of her, it's why she left SHIELD. She couldn't handle it anymore, the people she cared about getting hurt or dying because of her.

Gingerly, Daisy reached out to place a hand on his shoulder. Giving it a light squeeze because she wasn't sure if he would want a hug right now.]

The fact that you want to do the opposite of that shows how much you care about people, Peter. Things happen and as much as it sucks, it's out of your control sometimes.

[Now if she could somehow convince herself of that...]

[saved]

Is that how you feel?

( Peter knows she gets it too. He knows she feels the responsibility and guilt for the bad shit happening around her like he does, and he's angry enough at the world to- to lash out. To call her out on that even if it's not fair of him. )

Do you feel like it's just out of your control, and things happen? So it's fine and you should feel like a good person still?

( His voice wavers, and his hands ball up into fists. )

[morethan084]

[Daisy looks away from him when he calls her out on that. He's not wrong, and it probably did sound like bullshit anyway.]

No. But that's because I'm not a good person.

[She's trying to be, but the things she's done. The people she's hurt because of what she's done. Daisy still isn't sure she could ever make up for it, or that she's owed any sympathy or acceptance.]

You are, Peter. You're a good person.

[saved]

( Peter shakes his head then as he lifts it up. His gaze darts over to her, and his hands kind of spear through his own hair. )

Why- why would you say that?

You're a good person. You try to help me all the time. You want to. If that's all it takes to be a good person then so are you.

( What makes someone good or bad? He doesn't even know anymore. )

[morethan084]

Because I'm not.

[She really didn't want to get into this with him right now. It was hard to talk about what happened back home with Fitz and Simmons, much less someone who wasn't even from the same place as she was.

Turning off the water, Daisy ignored him as she cleaned off the excess water around it with a paper towel.]

[saved]

( Peter doesn't say anything else. He doesn't question it further even if he still believes otherwise. She's here helping him right now when she didn't have to, but. but. He gets still not feeling like a good person. There's no requirement to talk at all, and for the most part, the words keep spurting out of him sharply, angrily like they can't be contained.

But his anger isn't at her. His emotions aren't at her. She's just a nearby target, and he'll feel bad for it later. For now, he sinks down to the floor right there. )

Okay. ( he presses his hands to his face. ) Thanks for- Thanks.

[morethan084]

[Daisy almost reaches out to grab him, but he probably just needs a minute. Or, you know, a lot longer than that to process all of this.]

Do you want me to go?

[He probably wanted to be left alone, but if he didn't then she'd stay here with him. They didn't have to talk.]

[saved]

Yeah, that's fine.

( Peter says in a low voice as he remains there against the floor. His hands are pressed to his face, but his voice sounds-

It sounds steady enough. )

Thanks for... everything. Seriously.