[ota] when did i become so numb?

[saved]

Who: Peter Parker and You.
Where: Outside/His room
When: 11/13 -> 11/20
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Peter returns from his canon update as a wreck. Approach with caution. Feel free to approach him outside, in the hallway, or if you know him, go to his room/contact him via device. (Warning: I apologize too if these threads don't go to AC length. He's shutting down and avoiding and tending to lash out. He'll get better and then the CR can build off of these short, emotional bursts. ).
The Story:

♪ It's been a couple weeks since it happened. It replays in his head with perfect clarity whenever he closes his eyes.

There's the desperateness that he reaches out with (webbing flinging out, attaching to her). He can feel the weight of her body against his hand as he tries to pull her up from an endless fall. He hears the crunch of her head hitting the pavement and the snap of her spine splitting in half. Gwen. He killed her in more ways than one. He'll never forget that sound (or that she was about to take a flight and be free to do great things).

He barely leaves his room. Why would he? He's not Spider-man anymore. He functions on the barest of levels because of his aunt- because she already lost Ben ( again because of him. Captain Stacy too. Father and daughter dead, a promise broken. Noticing a pattern? It's him).

A shroud weighs on him as he finds himself outside of the mansion, staring at it, processing it too slow, looking wrecked (like he hasn't eaten much or slept much or put on new clothes today).

A rush of memories spill in like rapids, intermingling strangely with what he has lived the last year or so (it's terrible they're made to forget). He had friends here. He had Mary Jane here. Memories clash together abruptly. None of these people are in his world. She's not in his world. It's just him. Alone.

Peter sinks down to the pavement. Breath catches in his lungs. He punches a hole into the ground, scraping and cracking his knuckles in the process. Tears build in his eyes. When he can move again, it's sharply like he's tightly wound, like he's jagged edges barely bound together, ready to lash out. Blood drips off his hand. He moves through the hallways straight to his room.

For the week, he stays there. Sometimes answering the door when there's a knock. Sometimes answering his device when someone calls. Sometimes lying in bed and not answering anything at all.

Comments

[saved]

Peter's gaze drifts up to meet her own. His eyes burn, breathing in sharply, shaking his head. He slides his fingers into the strands of his hair which- they're wet and messy. He moves until he's seated next to her, until his shoulder presses against her own, until he's leaning against her.

"It's just- It was a lot to carry, Mary Jane. All by yourself. I know, because-"

Because he doesn't have Mary Jane, he doesn't have friends who understand back in his own world. His hand tightens over the burger. His chest aches tightly with it, painfully with it. He takes another bite of his own cheeseburger. God, all this guilt is going to drown him out completely. He can't let himself feel it, remember all the people who died because of him- who became villains because of him. He doesn't know how to deal with it.

"It's so much, and you carried it to protect me, huh? Like you carried my own secret."

[dramatic]

MJ brings her knee up to her chest, leaving her other leg extended. She looks sideways in silent contemplation. Even with all the grief and anger he's carrying inside, he chooses to focus on how difficult it must have been for her.

Oh, Peter. You're maddeningly wonderful.

"I know it doesn't feel this way right now, but you save people. All you ever want to do is save people, without thinking of what happens when you need to be saved, too. I wanted to protect you from losing someone else you loved."

She's just sorry she failed.

Sorry it doesn't matter what universe they're in, something terrible happens.

[saved]

Peter looks away when she says those words. You save people. He nearly chokes on- on something caught in his throat. A soft sound that's a scoff, that's the bitterness tied up in him like a poison. The list of people who are dead or wrecked because of his choices is so terribly long. He goes over it in his head. It's what he spends doing in his room. He sits in a corner of it like he's trying to disappear into the wall.

He doesn't think of it now.

An ache pulls its way up through his rib cage.

"The first time I ever saw you through that crack between universes you were trying to save me, Mary Jane, and you've done it here over and over again."

He reaches out for her hand, covering it with his own, as something cracks right through him and escapes in the tone of his voice.

"Thank you."

[dramatic]

MJ looks down at their hands, fingers intertwined.

She feels an ache rise up her own ribcage, and she isn't so good at mashing it back down anymore. She's sad, and although she doesn't want to feel sad, she also doesn't want to pretend that she isn't.

Setting the remainder of her burger aside, she scoots closer and rests her head on Peter's shoulder, keeping their hands linked.

"Thank me by holding on, tiger."

MJ knows that he's tired. She knows that he wants to give up, and honestly, no one could blame him if he just threw the towel for good. But if he can hold on for just a little while longer ... the sun will come up again.