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open » i've got an atlas in my hands

Who: Peggy Carter + YOU
Where: Library, Rabbit Hole Diner, and other locations.
When: Early Feb
Rating: PG-13; will warn for changes in individual threads.
Summary: A catch-all for the first half of the month. There are some open prompts under the cut, but I'm also posting some closed starters in the comments. Hit me up if you'd like something other than the options below.
The Story:
[ DURING february's first few days, peggy pays a few productive visits to the »LIBRARY. she arrives armed with a scrap pressed into her palm. the paper is thin and torn, jagged, from a puzzle book -- folded in threes with precision and hard corners forced onto its asymmetrical shape. while she walks from stack to stack she traces the list's edge with the pad of her thumb. in reality, she doesn't need it. she'd long-since memorizes the book titles recommended to her in order to bring her loosely up to speed with popular science. so the list is a flimsy talisman, maybe, but during these visits it represents purpose. forward momentum.

her reading list is accumulated over multiple days, as though some reflexive defense mechanism convinces peggy to take her time. patience is rarely her strongest suit but she nevertheless makes an effort, knowing that a rush will only leave her rudderless and once again without distraction. to that end, she allows herself to wander off-path. maybe she's come for non-fiction, but she detours through a shelf of thrillers and mysteries and adventure stories.

she touches the spines as she passes them by -- her little list peeking between her knuckles like an ace at the ready. peggy never intends to appear lost but catch her at an odd moment and she might want some help. after all, stark never gave her author names to go with the titles.

LATER, with her coursework assembled, she goes elsewhere to conduct her reading. a great deal of it happens behind her bedroom door as she readjusts to a solitary life now that jane has returned to her husband. but some of it happens at the »DINER. with a whole booth claimed for herself, she sits with the dust jacket removed so bystanders can't easily discern what she's reading stephen hawking's a brief history of time, incidentally. it takes some two or three chapters to really dig into work she couldn't already recognize in passing -- and, on occasion, she offers up an audible scoff when she finds herself confronted with a colourful explanation of scientific discovery which nevertheless somehow manages to neglect howard stark's contribution.

she orders a plate of chips (hot; crispy; salted) and implores the wait-staff to keep them coming. instead of tea, she asks for a milkshake. not a quarter of an hour passes before she's cracked open a journal and uncapped a pen. her annotations are, for the time being, made in pitman shorthand -- and so appear as a series of near shapeless scribbles to those who aren't fluent. even so, there's no secrecy behind that choice. merely a swell of impatience after she'd worked so hard to contain it earlier.

and yet peggy's not averse to interruptions. not exactly. she may not be the most welcoming conversation partner, nor is she particularly fond of idle chatter, but she doesn't chase off interruptions or inquiries.

OTHERWISE, known associates and strangers alike are free to run into her »OUT & ABOUT. whether she's 'commuting' from quarters to library or grabbing a quick breakfast in the dining room early in the morning. she doesn't have a precise schedule (on most days) but she's not impossible to chance upon. she's nearly always immaculate -- from heel to hair-pins. having a project in hand puts her in a better mood. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ it rather does take some of her professional excitement over the puzzles and replaces it with professional horror. but once it was spelled out, peggy could equally see the quiet terrifying genius to the whole endeavor. it must have taken years of planning and bucket loads of cunning: a systematic and thorough refresh of people in positions of power.

not unlike (she thinks with a jolt) what hydra did. will do. ]

And in the meantime, I have no doubt it made solving the tattoos feel as though you were the ones tearing down that corruption. [ ... ] She counted on your team's better nature, didn't she?

[ it's chilling, really, how some villains could mobilize virtue to see their ends met. ]

She did. And Kurt was one of the biggest pieces of her puzzle. She knew that when he was young his best friend went missing when she was five. She knew I had a scar on my neck that matched one his friend had. My mother watched him, from college, put him through military school anonymously, kept him where she wanted him, guided his movements, until she erased my memory, put his name on my back, and sent me to him. She knew he'd be unable to resist thinking I was that missing girl, and without knowing it, I...believed it, too. She had a mole in the FBI, had blood samples switched. Everything was supposed to end with Kurt in charge.

[ All of that comes rushing out and it's a reminder that in all of this, Kurt's been manipulated, lied to, and before Jane was Jane, she was a part of that manipulation. ]

[ there are parts of this story that she knows courtesy of sarah -- less about jane's mother, however, and more about that missing girl. and about the impetus it had given kurt to play protector, at least according to sarah's telling.

peggy sets the tea down in front of jane. she takes a seat of her own, leaning forward so her elbows are on her knees. most importantly, here's a good segue to the real meat of the conversation: ]

How are things with Kurt?

They're...getting better. We've been through too much to just give up.

[ Jane looks down at her ring, running her thumb over it. ]

And part of it is because it's what my brother wants. He knew Kurt wouldn't want to hurt me, he knew it would tear us apart when he did. But he's not counting on us to be stronger than that.

[ it's a cold kind of comfort to hear jane explain the situation in such honest terms: getting better. it implies momentum, but also that there's still work to be done. she'd expect nothing less, given the complications that had cracked the pair apart. peggy would have been far more worried if the reconciliation had been swift and simple.

but then she goes on to explain more. none of it's new -- jane had warned peggy about her brother, before. she'd articulated concern over whether roman was merely manipulating her. all that's changed is jane's widened that sphere of manipulation to kurt as well, recognizing (admirably) how the man's better nature had been exploited.

-- not that it expunges the sin. far from it. but peggy nods. ]

And the two of you are stronger together. [ it's a terribly sentimental thought -- the kind peggy normally hesitates to voice -- but she can see it's true for jane and kurt. severing that connection had hollowed the woman out and peggy had watched that process, day after day, as jane was forced to question the pillar of support she once saw in her husband. it's not something she's ever had herself. not completely, at least. but it's rather humbling to recognize in someone else. ] Even if it takes a helluva lot of work to build up that strength once more.

[ -- if it might never get back to where it once was. ]

Edited 2018-02-04 15:33 (UTC)

Trust is hard to rebuild.

[ She can acknowledge that, and it's the hardest part of all this. But she isn't without her own moments of breaking Kurt's trust. She'd be a hypocrite to not acknowledge that. ]

Kurt and I have proven, over and over again that when we're torn apart, everything goes so wrong, and it feels like, if we both figure out how to be as strong together as possible, Roman will have to kill us to tear us apart. I need my marriage. I need Kurt. There hasn't been a time since I've met him that he hasn't made me a better person somehow.

[ it's worth a bit of awe, isn't it? two people so resistant to the violent forces of the world around them. peggy doesn't let herself think about it too long; she knows how heavily her own missed opportunities weigh on her heart. back home, her world succeeded in its tearing.

and here, in wonderland, those torn edges were never allowed to heal.

she crosses her feet at the ankles and leans back in her seat. ]

It's -- wonderful, albeit painful. I'm certain of it. And I'm glad the two of you are making a proper go at it. [ ... ] But I still don't like him.

[ she means kurt. peggy's met him all of once, in passing, before she hauled jane out of their room. all else she knows is hearsay and reports given from kurt's sister. objectively, she understands the man is likely one of the rare good ones. subjectively, however, she feels a visceral loyalty towards jane. one she's not ashamed of putting to words, trusting jane to know that in the end it doesn't matter whether peggy likes her husband or not.

all that matters is what jane feels about him. ]

[ The laugh that comes out of Jane is actually unexpected and she runs a hand through her hair, clearing her throat. ]

I know. You don't have to.

[ The small moment of levity passes, and Jane sinks a little bit further back into the couch. ]

The pain of Avery being gone...some days it's like everything hurts and I can't breathe, and then other times I'm numb. I don't feel anything at all. And when Kurt first told me, all I could see when I looked at him was what he did.

[ Swallowing heavily, she looks down, letting out a heavy breath. ]

But it isn't about Avery. Avery was an accident. And if I'm being honest with myself, Peggy, I've lied to Kurt more than once. I lied to Kurt and someone was killed. I'm not innocent. The only difference is that we weren't married and I thought he would never lie to me. I knew I wouldn't, I knew there'd never be anything between us again. I never thought it'd turn into roles reversed.

Your lack of innocence doesn't matter. [ peggy argues what she's argued countless times before now -- harking back to those moments while jane stayed with her when she was at her most filled with self-doubt. ] These aren't scales to be balanced, Jane. These are wounds to be healed. And if they are indeed healing, then I'm happy for you.

[ she stops short of saying i'm happy for both of you. ]

Of course, I'm also acutely aware of the irony involved in me giving anyone marital advice. [ a tight smile. ] Even if you're not.

[ aware, that is. ]

I know my wrong doesn't cancel his out. But we are healing. We're trying. I don't want to lose him, Peggy, I want us to figure ourselves out. Both of us.

[ She reaches over and squeezes Peggy's hand gently before letting out a breath. She's never pried into the other woman's life other than her blurted out realization about Rip. But that information has never gone anywhere else, not even to Kurt and it never will no matter how well thing work. It's not hers to share. ]

Kurt is...

[ Well, she reaches out to slide a picture on her device to his name prominently tattooed on her back. ]

He's the first person I met because it's the way my mother wanted it. And he was the first person who ever took care of me. He's always taken care of me. I know he always would, even if we weren't married.

[ it's...brave, really. for either of them to trust their happiness with someone whose path they were thrust into because of someone else's schemes and machinations. although peggy wonders whether trust remains too strong a word for it, given the pain and the structural damage the relationship has received. the first word remains the best word: healing.

her fingers lace briefly with jane's. and the corners of her mouth lift into a smile -- one that stays, half-cocked, even as she frees her hand to better look at a tattoo she's only glimpsed corners of under sleeveless shirts jane might have worn around the room. ]

It's a reliability that thrives beyond romance. [ and it might be the closest thing to a compliment she might ever pay to kurt weller for a long long time. ] I suppose we can't choose how we meet the important people in our lives. But we can, ideally, decide what to make of those meetings.

[ is her deep-set love for steve rogers at all diminished because he'd been something of a project to her, first? hardly. she'd known the man's personnel file long before she knew his eyes -- eyes that had stayed the same, she'd noted, before and after the serum.

peggy's chin dips. ]

You know, I'm not certain I'd handle it with half as much grace. [ she taps the device, inadvertently zooming in. ] Having some man's name tattooed on my skin. No matter how much I might care for him.

[ but she will (perhaps) name an agency in his honour. ]

I threw my wedding ring at his head. I'd hardly call that grace.

[ She smiles just a little, but she knows what Peggy means and her eyes stare at that tattoo, shaking her head slowly. ]

I knew him, before. I mean I don't really remember much, but I do remember watching him at a memorial service for Taylor. When I was Remi, I didn't care. He was the target. Our way in. But then everything was erased and suddenly he was my only connection to anything. It was so easy to believe I was Taylor. I wanted it to be true more than anything. To be someone Kurt needed. Someone who made him happy just because I was there. When we realized I wasn't her, when we worked through everything and I realized I still made him that happy, I knew I wanted to earn it. I wanted it to stop being about the tattoo and just about us.

[ But maybe, no matter how hard she tries, whether she runs or stays in place, she can never escape the past. So, she might as well stop running. ]

[ depends, she thinks, on whether she managed to hit his head with the band.

lightly -- almost reverently -- she sets the device on the low table between them both. there's an itch (certainly) to browse through more and get a better glimpse at some of the problems and puzzles hidden in the pictures. but peggy does the decent thing. she focuses on her friend. ]

I imagine it was important to both of you that you build your own context. Your own -- personal, private lore. Away from ink and conspiracies. [ she clears her throat. truth is, she can relate. just a little. ] It's a problem that crops up here, as well, given what the events sometimes do to us. The ones that change our very minds and memories.

[ there's a story there. she seems almost -- almost -- prepared to share it. ]

Edited 2018-02-07 17:04 (UTC)

[ She missed, but it was the tears, okay?

Looking at Peggy, Jane meets her eyes for a few unwavering seconds before speaking again. ]

We all have things, I think, that we're afraid of Wonderland exploiting for whatever reason. I'm honestly a little...glad you know so much. Almost everything, really. It helps, knowing if Wonderland does something you'll be better prepared, you might know what to do.

[ Better than Jane ever did. ]

[ ...it's true. simply by virtue of knowing jane's story, knowing most of it, peggy also knows what to recognize as aberrant. it might not be a perfect fail safe, but critical observation comes naturally enough to her, these days, that she trusts herself (so long as she's in her right mind) to sniff out a problem.

and she supposes that the same can't always be said for her story. she guards its elements so carefully. even so, arguably, jane knows more than most -- barring, perhaps, the ones who know her by reputation. ]

Do you remember that one -- that event months ago when we all forgot who we were. The one with all the blood tests and the political rallies?

[ Jane nods, sensing more coming and not wanting to push it out of Peggy. ]

I remember. It was zombies again, kind of but not really. I was some kind of political strategist.

[ she starts small. she starts with something orchestrated to make jane laugh, first and foremost, and to give peggy a taste of what it feels like to share just for sharing's sake. ]

And I was a personal assistant. [ ahem. ] Ray Palmer's, actually.

[ Jane does let out a loud laugh at that. ]

Oh, God, I can't imagine. There isn't enough caffeine in the world to get me to his level. Sarah can handle it because she's high on sugar at any given time.

Thank Christ it was only temporary. [ honestly. he's a handful and a half -- and, ever since, ray had stuck with simply calling her peg. arguably, she might never have made it as far as attending the engagement party (and the wedding that followed) were it not for that event.

and had she not attended those events, would she ever have landed here -- sitting across from jane? peggy decides not to think too hard about it. ]

I confess even the 'me' of that event took to hiding away from the public just to avoid taking another drink order.

Some things never change, huh?

[ Jane says that affectionately, smiling fondly at Peggy. ]

I suppose not -- considering I remain just as reluctant to fetch anyone's coffee as I did before the event. Perhaps even more so.

[ it's a fickle sort of protest, perhaps, but there's a reason why peggy serves only tea in her room. she isn't trying to force it's status as the superior hot beverage down anyone's throat -- not literally, at any rate -- but rather it's a point of pride. a reminder that here, at least, she'll never have to fill that role.

until the event made her, that is. ]

So I hid in back corridors and storage areas. And that's how I ran into Mister Hunter's alter-ego for that particular weekend. We'd met before, of course, but that time -- meeting like strangers...

[ she had a point she was trying to make, didn't she? ]

It sounds silly to say it out loud but there was kiss. Afterwards, I avoided him. Perhaps we avoided each other; in truth I've never asked him. It was as though I didn't want to know him if knowing him came with all the baggage that Wonderland pushed upon us.

[ that event, the cruel twists and turns revealed while rip had been brainwashed, all of it -- it had taken a lot of courage for peggy to take a second stab at simply knowing the man, let alone everything else that followed. as she'd said a scant few minutes earlier: it's important to build your own context. personal, private lore. in time, that's what made her try a second time. ]

You were afraid?

[ Jane asks that gently. There are a lot of words you can put in front of things to make a situation seem different than what it is. ]

Connecting with people...I know it's not something everyone can do and it's not even something everyone likes to do. Not everyone needs other people. But that's the only thing that kept my head above water for a few weeks. You. Other people. I've always been afraid to open up and let people in because of who I was and what I'd have to face if anyone knew. But I took a chance. With you and a couple of other people, and I needed that. Maybe you'll leave tomorrow, I don't know. But I do know you were here when I needed you.

[ She lets out a breath. That was a lot. ]

Being with Rip, if it's right and good, could be something worth focusing more time on.

[ she almost laughs -- and not the pleasant, warm sort. jane suggests that she might have been afraid and, as true as it might be, peggy is far from admitting it. luckily, on account of jane's continued conversation, she doesn't have to.

...although peggy thinks it's a particularly low blow on jane's part to so cleverly refashion her own experiences as an argument. she's got a way of getting in behind peggy's guard and finding those tender places. and she doesn't want to dismiss out of hand what her friend is telling her. even if the final note inspires a bit of bluster. ]

One day a week -- [ one night ] -- is focus enough.

[ -- just as well, really. the dance on new year's eve proved how easily her attention could be eaten up by him. and if peggy was in the mood to confess vulnerabilities, she might have described a kind of fatal mutual fixation. she worries, she cares, she wants. but in the end, she still balks the barest inclination towards something more. what they've got is certainly good; the jury's still out on whether it's right. knocking on his door again, as good as a stranger, after everything that happened -- it was an attempt to reestablish control of her own relationships. for want of a better term. ]

This place too often forces us into such unenviable corners. Like you said: we need people to be there when we need them. A bit of reliability. Someone who will always answer his -- their -- door. Regardless of what's tossed our way.

[ implying, unquestionably, she relies on rip hunter for at least a piece of that reliability. but she similarly relies on jane, and to that end: ]

I thought perhaps now that you've moved back into your room, we could arrange a day for ourselves. It needn't be something set in stone. [ peggy grows oddly sheepish -- afraid, maybe. ] A little bit more of what's 'reliable' wouldn't be so bad.

Edited 2018-02-11 02:34 (UTC)

[ The second Jane sees Peggy's face once she's done talking, she's afraid she over-stepped, that now she's going to be asked to leave and that was the end of a friendship. So, when the exact opposite happens she relaxes a little and smiles softly. ]

I'd like that. I've never-- [ Jane pauses, wishing she had something in her hands suddenly, to occupy them. ] Go figure I've never had that. Someone outside of Kurt who actually wants my company on a regular basis. I mean, I have friends here who I run into and we talk but nothing pre-planned.

[ What she's trying to say is she has no real connections other than Kurt, and that's always been fine but right now she needs others too, like a sheltered kid experiencing life outside of the only thing she's ever known for the first time. But how to put that into words without sounding pathetic is beyond her. Or, well, too late. ]

[ peggy carter doesn't make friends easily. back home, the closest she's got to either is a man who used her for corporate espionage and that man's butler who, even now, she can't bring herself to call by his christian name. here, in wonderland, she's made a few sturdy acquaintances...some, like rip, are dreadful important to her.

and then there's tony who feels as good as family. the shield agents, who feel like her precious little charges.

but none, really, who are good friends. without complications. if there's anything pathetic in how jane phrases her circumstances, then peggy doesn't hear it like that because she feels quite similarly. ]

Something regular, then. Perhaps. [ if she smiles, it's more in her eyes than in her mouth. ] I suppose I miss our chats. It would be nice to have something between 'flatmates' and 'occasional passers-by.'

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