{The battle's done and we kind of won, where do we go from here?

[insincerecharm]

Who: Rebecca Atherton & Shaun Mason; OPEN prompt
Where: The Beach; Around Wonderland
When: Month of April
Rating: PG-13 (suicidal ideation; language; general depression warnings; booze-as-a-coping-skill; will update if needed)
Summary: Becks arrives and things go really south, really quick; general attempts at settling in; Musical/lost soul event
The Story: Comment headers a-hoy!\


Closed threads
4/2

Shaun Mason
Shaun finds Becks prepared to do something she would immensely regret and stops her. [cw: suicidal ideation]

Georgia Mason; Maggie Garcia
Basic settling in steps with her two other friends from home. [cw: gallows humor, flippant talk of death/death threats, possible mentions of depression]

Open threads
4/3-8

Arrival week
What it says on the tin. Trying to adjust to this whole Wonderland thing. And being alive again things. [cw: probable depression mentions]

4/7-10

Musical Event
In which the blogger team does an ensemble musical number. [cw: depression mentions]

A Lost Soul
Becks loses herself to the melonchaly settling over the mansion. [cw: depression mentions]

Comments

{It's gonna getcha girl, looking down the barrel of a gun » Shaun » cw: suicidal ideation

[insincerecharm]

There's something so strangely jarring about waking up from a long, deep sleep, like the whole world stopped existing entirely, until the second that it decided to start again. Light pressing against her eyes, sounds filtering into her ears, Rebecca Atherton is awake again. The coming to is slow as she blinks against the sun and pushes herself into a sitting position, trying to recall what had happened before this moment. Except...

"No," she mutters, a flash-BANG! of realization as she remembers. The zombies. Her team. Blowing up The White House. No, she shouldn't be here, there shouldn't have been anything left of her to reanimate. She quickly scrambles to her feet and starts a hurried inspection of herself. There seem to be no signs of injury of any kind, and it doesn't add up at all. "How...?"

Her head snaps up and she glances around the immediate area. Nothing but sand in one direction and water in the other. How the hell had she landed on a beach? And how was she alive and completely in tact? She decides none of that matters, she doesn't have time to bother putting in the effort to figure any of that out, not when she won't remember her own name soon. She just has to put an end to it before that happens.

Whatever happened, she's still armed to the teeth and her fingers itch with the want--no, need--to solve the problem she knows she will become. She is who she is, down to the core, and it's the only thing that makes sense. But it's not really the easy decision she would have expected it to be, if she's honest.

She stands there at the edge of the water for a long time. Her chest is tight and she can feel the panic and the terror swirling through her veins. It's hard to feel like this is the right thing, when the rest of her just wants to go into full-blown self-preservation mode.

It's a long set of several minutes before she reaches for the gun at her hip. She wonders if it's always felt so heavy in her hand or if that's just the moment she's living in she's feeling the weight of. She looks away from the water, slowly lapping against the edge of the sand, down to the gun in her hand. Is she really going to do this? Can she do this? The hitch in her breathing makes her doubt herself, but she knows what she has to do.

[adaptiveimmunities]

Shaun doesn't spend all of his time with George. Just most of it. But eventually he starts to drive even her crazy, and he needs to go find something else to do so that she doesn't actually kill him. Today, that thing is taking a walk, while he considers what the implications of war in Wonderland could mean. He's a bit dubious of people's attempts to fortify the Mansion--can't the mirrors just... come through the mirrors? But he's not going to argue with any of them. Maybe they're right. He doesn't know. What he does know is that whatever happens, he's going to do what he can to take care of his people.

He's at the beach when he notes the figure standing there, and does a double-take at the familiarity.

"Becks?"

[insincerecharm]

She's so lost in her own thoughts that she doesn't hear the approaching footsteps behind her. The too-familiar voice snaps her back to reality, and brings with it the full-force of the frenetic panic she's been quietly soaking in as she stands at the edge of the beach.

"Shaun?" Her voice wavers as she spins toward him, gun still gripped firmly in her hand. Shaun. Shaun. He could help her, couldn't he? He knows how important it is that this doesn't go further. "Shaun, you have to help me," she doesn't know exactly when the tears sprang to her eyes but her vision is blurry.

[adaptiveimmunities]

"Of course, Becks, what do you need?"

The problem is, he should know what she needs--what she thinks she needs. Her face. The way she's holding herself. The gun. Shaun isn't George--will never be George. He has an easier time lying to himself than she ever would. He sees it all, but it can't mean what he thinks it does.

[insincerecharm]

"I was going to, but I can't," her eyes drop to her hand, suddenly pressing the gun toward him. "do it for me." It's not even a question more than it is a demand. She needs him to do this, and the desperation in her eyes is screaming for it. "Please, Shaun, you have to. Before I forget who I am."

[adaptiveimmunities]

He starts to take the gun, out of habit more than anything else, then almost drops it when he realizes what she's asking. "What--no!"

[insincerecharm]

The firearm fumbles between her fingers and his when he nearly drops it and her eyes drop to their hands, then snap quickly back up to his face at the insistence against it. "No?" She repeats, a confused misunderstanding in her tone. "What do you mean....no? Shaun, you have to! You- you know how this goes, better than anyone, I'd think."

Something completely incredulous and downright belligerent snaps in her at his refusal. She just can't wrap her mind around it, the word 'no' in this case just doesn't even make one wit of sense at all. Her words are erratic, her hands a wild flurry of motion as she moves and talks, pacing, and seriously considering shoving him or punching him for his denial of this one, simple request, as a friend.

"You can't just let me become one of the herd, okay? That's just--" There's a wave of one hand like a slice through the air, "not acceptable. I can't do it, and you just have to okay, you have to."

Somewhere in all of it, she's marched right back over to stand in front of him. He's taller than her so she has to look up a bit to really look him in the eye and hers are blurry again with tears. "Please," she chokes out in a quiet, shaky sob as her voice drops to something just barely above a pleading whisper. "as my friend, Shaun...don't make me have to live long enough to forget who I am."

{There's nothing in the world quite like a friend » After the End Times Team

[insincerecharm]

It certainly took a lot of convincing on Shaun's part, but once Becks accepted his word for the truth, there was pretty much only one thing left to do: Take her to the other remaining members of their group and edge into the beginnings of the healing process. Not that Becks was convinced there was really any kind of healing from something like waking up from dead.

This whole thing was really just making her head spin, if she were completely honest. Somehow, they'd all ended up in the real-live version of a book that was supposed to only be just that-- a book. Apparently, life imitates art far more than anyone could have ever imagined. After everything she's seen, Becks is willing to believe almost anything with the right amount of evidence presented. Jury's still out on this whole 'Wonderland' thing, but whatever. She'll fall into step with the rest of the team eventually, once she's fully caught up to speed, right?

She keeps her visits separate, for the sheer fact of not overwhelming herself any more than she already is. Maggie first, because she thinks right now she really needs the pharmaceutical heiress' special knack for knowing what people need. But George, too, a little later. When her head isn't swimming quite so much, and she knows she can handle the no-nonsense facts that is Georgia Mason.

[talesuntold]

Maggie is sorry to say that knowing what Becks needs isn't the first thought in her mind when she opens the door and sees her friend standing there. She inhales sharply, steps forward, and pulls Becks into a tight, lingering hug.

Losing Mahir was awful. He was the person in Wonderland Maggie was most willing to lean on, but at least she knows he has something waiting for him back home.

Becks, on the other hand... Becks standing in her doorway is pretty much a fucking miracle. "It's so good to see you."

[insincerecharm]

Becks can't hate the reaction that Maggie has on seeing her. It could have gone a hundred other ways, but this one wasn't so bad, honestly. After being talked off a ledge, this isn't the worst thing to walk into.

"You, too," she says quietly, clinging right back for a long moment. Eventually, she pulls away, fingers swiping under her eyes quickly. "So, is it true? This whole," a wave of one hand around, "Wonderland thing?"

[talesuntold]

"It's real." Maggie shared those doubts too. She steps aside to let Becks in the door, but will put a comforting hand on the other woman's back as she passes. "Your first introduction to everyone here wasn't an open blog post requesting antipsychotics, so you may make a better impression than I did. Come inside, Becks."

Maggie's room here doesn't exactly match any part of her farmhouse, but the tone is the same. Comfortable pre-Rising furniture, homey clutter, projector screen mounted on one wall. It feels like Maggie's house did, at the core. It's just missing bulldogs.

By now, Maggie is more afraid to believe Becks is real than to believe Wonderland is. Wonderland was easier to settle into than her grief at losing yet another friend. She has trouble taking her eyes off Becks.

[insincerecharm]

"How?" is the only question that can even manage to fall from her lips as she wanders inside after Maggie. It's not her farmhouse, but the feel is all there, homey and cozy in ways Becks can't even articulate, but in a way that sort of wraps around everyone in the room.

Maggie's inability to really look away from her at all is certainly not unnoticed. Usually, it might bother her more, but right now, it's the most normal reaction she could expect. "Shaun said...that we aren't all from the same point in time or...some weird science mumbo-jumbo I won't pretend I understand-- not that I think he really does either, so at least I'm not alone," There's a casual shrug of both her shoulders and her face. "But, uh, I take it your from... after. I blew up the White House?"

[talesuntold]

Maggie does snap out of it and stop staring. "Two days after, specifically. So I'm just going to reiterate that I'm very glad you're here."

She gestures toward the couch, then asks, "Can I get you anything, or do you just want to sit for awhile?" Maggie won't be surprised if the answer is the latter.

[insincerecharm]

"So then...you can get why this is not making any sense at all." And she doesn't just mean Wonderland, but well... did Shaun even get to explain anything before she showed up on Maggie's doorstep? Becks isn't sure, and she's not sure if she cares. She's still a little too shaken by the ordeal on the beach with him, if she's honest with herself.

She sinks down on the couch and shakes her head, "No, I'm good." Not really, but semantics isn't really a place she wants to find herself right now, so she lets it go, even though there's still some knee-jerk reaction to want to correct her own words, and elaborate on just how the opposite of good she really is right now.

There's a long silence that stretches around the room like a noose, that threatens to make Becks' ears ring like bells until her head explodes. Or maybe she's imagining it. Who knows at this point. But she has to speak, say something, anything at all, to keep herself from going insane.

"Got any booze?"

[choosetruth]

Georgia is prepared for this. Shaun had warned her, and as Becks had gone to Maggie first, Georgia's had time to compose herself and to prepare some information on Wonderland. She doesn't look remotely surprised when Becks appears at her office door. She just nods and gestures at the couch.

"Becks. Settling in so far?"

[insincerecharm]

This? This is why she waited. This would have been too callous immediately after her arrival on the beach, even if it isn't meant as much.

Becks nods in return and makes her way over to the couch, dropping down onto one end of it, shrugging at the question. "I dunno. Head's still pretty spin-y. There's...a lot about this place that doesn't make much sense."

[choosetruth]

"I wish I could tell you that'll get better. It won't." Wonderland is many things, but no matter how much Georgia wishes it were so, logical will never be one of them. "I've prepared a primer for you. It should at least begin to answer your questions. And, of course, I'm happy to help with any others that may come up."

[insincerecharm]

There's a single bark of a laugh at that comment because it's just so Georgia it hurts. "Good to know, thanks, George." At least some things never change, and she can always count on the newsie for her honesty.

"Of course you have," she shakes her head as her gaze drops down to her hands hanging loosely between her knees, fingers twisting together. She appreciates it, she really does, but one thing does eat at her a little and she can't stop herself from asking. George should appreciate the blunt way the words fall out of her mouth, though, right?

She looks up slowly and cants her head to one side, like she's trying to figure something out. "Which one are you?"

[choosetruth]

It's a question that might have confused her if she hadn't already talked to Shaun. But she knows when Becks is from. She knows that this time at least, she doesn't have to explain who she is and why she's alive.

She tugs her sunglasses off, revealing clear brown eyes.

"The clone."

{Going through the motions, walking through the part » OPEN

[insincerecharm]

Becks' first handful of days in Wonderland are spent in a constant state of autopilot, with nothing much behind it. She's feeling sort of lost, and sort of numb, and she doesn't really know how to process it all or how she fits into this place. Everything feels wrong here. She feels wrong. Misplaced. Like she can't ever belong in a world she died for. Even if this isn't, technically, the same one.

Maybe this is normal. Maybe this is just how life feels after you die. Everything stops having meaning and you just do, even if you don't feel. She isn't sure, but that's definitely been her experience so far.

She tries not to fall too deeply into a depression spiral. She goes to the kitchens for food, stops by the fitness center at least twice in a week, and even finds herself in the gardens, watching the goldfish in the fountain until she's stood there so long her legs go numb.

But mostly? Mostly, she doesn't seem very into any of the things she's doing, but like they're just necessary, so she has to.

{Not all who wander are lost » Event » 4/7-10

[insincerecharm]

[Any and all event-related threads can be found here. Some starters provided, but feel free to give me something else, if you're inclined!]

{Once more, with feeling » 4/7-8 » OPEN

[insincerecharm]

Becks has been trying her damndest, thankyouverymuch, to get back into something like a normal routine since she woke up in a storybook for a second chance at life she never asked for. The process is a hell of a lot easier said than done, but she doesn't know what else to do besides force herself into old habits and patterns.

Today finds her in the training center at the punching bags. She's a lot better with a gun than her fists, but all the more reason to work at it, so she can improve. And who better to get lessons from than the guy she can count on always having her six?

She had no trouble getting Shaun to agree to a spar session, which was hardly a surprise, and for reasons she didn’t bother questioning (or paying attention to, if they were given), Georgia and Maggie decided to tag along for the adventure as well.

If only she could be bothered to really get into it at all.

“Every single night, the same arrangement
I go out and fight the fight--”

There's a pause as Becks looks completely bewildered. She had heard the rumblings of some kind of song-and-dance-number thing running rampant through the mansion, but much like everything else in this place so far, it didn't make any sense to her. “What the--”

Whatever else she might have said is lost to the song, however, and it’s obvious that she’s no singer--flat and off-key as all hell, but she can’t stop herself.

“Still, I always feel the strange estrangement. Nothing here is real.” A hard left cross lands on the bag she’s been practicing on, as if to punctuate her statement. “Nothing here is right.” In a blink, she spins and rounds on Shaun, giving him no time to prepare for the sudden right hook coming his way.

“I've been making shows of trading blows--” She blocks a punch and takes a cheap-shot at Shaun’s side, not even caring if it lands or not. “Just hoping no one knows

That I've been going through the motions
Walking through the part
Nothing seems to penetrate my heart.”

The uncertainty in her actions prove this is hardly anything she’s choosing on her own, but whatever invisible power that seems to be forcing everyone’s hand is stronger than any amount of willpower she might have had, otherwise. She moves towards Maggie and Georgia’s spot on the sidelines of the gym. “I was always brave and kind of righteous. Now I find I'm wavering.”

Almost as if she can sense what might come next, her eyes widen and she spins on her heel away from them. No way can she be looking at their faces as the next words come crooning out of her mouth. “Crawl out of your grave. You find this fight just doesn't mean a thing.”

[SHAUN]
“She ain't got that swing”

“Thanks for noticing.” she bites at him, an incredulous look thrown in his direction. Really? Was that necessary, Shaun?!

[GEORGE & MAGGIE]
“Never filled with dread of the undead
but lately like we've said,
She's just going through the motions (Going through the motions)
Faking it somehow.”

[SHAUN]
“She's not even half the girl she-- ow!”

After a well-landed punch that sends Shaun doubling over, Becks turns and walks away. She’s not feeling this anymore, maybe less now than she was before.

“Will I stay this way forever?
Sleepwalk through my life's endeavor?”

“Becks, you've got to see-” Maggie holds up her tablet with what, if you look closely, is very clearly video of Frank Castle being punched in the face by Georgia.

“Whatever.” she mutters, unphased and barely even looking at the tablet Maggie is presenting her with. Things she should be interested in just don’t feel like they matter anymore. She knows what it is, even if she refuses to put a name to it. She’d rather not. It’s easier to fake this until she remembers how to make it.

“I don't want to be
Going through the motions
Losing all my drive.”

She’s isolated from her group on the far side of the room now, stepping up to stand rather dramatically on the edge of one of the sparring rings. Her arms are looped back behind her around the ropes that edge the rings as she finishes her song, alone.

“I can't even see
If this is really me
And I just want to be
Alive!”

Once the-- what was it? A compulsion? A spell? Oh, God, were spells possible here, she isn't even sure what's real and not anymore!-- whatever it was that pushed her into that awful musical number dies down, Becks blinks, hard, once. Twice. And a frown creases across her forehead. “What the hell was that?!” She shouts at anyone, anyone at all, that may be in the vicinity, hands spread in all the incredulity she can muster.

[choosetruth]

Georgia had tried to keep herself barred in her room where no one could hear her sing again, but Wonderland had, apparently, had other ideas. Apparently Becks needed backup singers.

When the song ends, she goes to offer Shaun an arm up.

"Well. That was... interesting."

Georgia knew Becks wasn't doing great, but it's possible she'd underestimated how bad it was.

[insincerecharm]

"Interesting isn't the word I'd use." Becks mumbles, arms folding across her chest. She might be something like mortified about this whole thing. What the hell, Wonderland?!

{Like the living dead, craving for deliverance » 4/9-10 » OPEN

[insincerecharm]

As the days drag on, so do the feelings of desolation and despair. This thick thing that just seems to hang heavy in the air and spread, sticky across her skin. Becks doesn't know what to think of it, or if she thinks much of anything about it at all. Because why would she? Nothing about it feels wrong or off, not really, except in the way everything feels that way all the time lately. But it's become her new normal since waking up in Wonderland, there's nothing all that alarming at first.

But this feeling just seems to get worse, no matter what she does, sinking down into her bones, spreading like wildfire in her head, writing down the worst of it in her heart. Until she's left, a blank, staticy mess, muttering parts of the same song over and over.

"But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down..."