entrancelogs | And if this world won't write me an ending

Entry tags:

And if this world won't write me an ending

Who: Monika and you~
Where: in ur device, loving ur bodies (aka wherever you want it to be, seeing as she's mobility challenged)
When: During the event
Rating: PG
Summary: Do you all of a sudden notice a piano and a ~beautiful~ voice? Someone has a lot of songs to sing, and her device is making sure they're heard. Hopefully it doesn't happen while someone's in the shower.
The Story:

Day 1

[ It's like any other day. Annoying. The same. Her prison was in its usual place.

Great.

She doesn't think much of it, because why would she need to? It wasn't even that fun to fix her room back up, because it just meant messing around with code. Everything was back in its place, line by boring line.

Still, she wishes she hadn't been so mean to her piano. It didn't deserve this. Her most prized posession should've been spared her wrath, no matter its lack of realness!

Her feet glide her over to it of their own accord, and she begins to play notes almost before she could even sit.

Piano, you understand me now?
If sometimes you see that I'm mad
Don't you know, no one alive can always be an angel?
When everything goes wrong, you see some bad

But I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

[ Monika's fingers still. She blinks rapidly, but she doesn't have much time to think, because she's back at it. ]

You know sometimes, piano, I'm so carefree
With a joy that's hard to hide
And then sometimes, again, it seems that all I have is worry
And then you're bound to see my other side

But I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

[ She shoves herself away from the piano, thumping down to the floor. Whatever's inside her has yet to quit, because the rest of the song slips out. ]

If I seem edgy
I want you to know
I never mean to take it out on you
Life has its problems
And I get more than my share
But that's one thing I never mean to do
'Cause I love you

Oh piano, I'm just stupid
Don't you know I have faults like anyone?
Sometimes I find myself alone regretting
Some little foolish thing
Some simple thing that I've done

'Cause I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

I try so hard, don't let me be misunderstood
I try so hard, don't let me be misunderstood

[ Monika holds her chest, looking around blankly.

...Huh. ]

Day 2

[ It's worse. It's so much worse today. She can't leave her piano, no matter what she does.

She clenches and unclenches her hands, face twisted up in consternation.

Like, she always loves to practice for the off chance she gets to impress one of her many paramours, but at the moment, it's all that's on her mind. The compulsion is so much stronger than it was on Friday, and it's indescribable. And no matter how many songs she keeps trying to play, anything but the one she wants to focus on, she keeps coming back to it.

She taps out the opening chords of her most special song for the tenth time in a row. It's becoming a maddening loop of pure love. ]

Every day, I imagine a future where I can be with you--

[ She slams her fingers on the keys, blaring out a discordant mishmash of notes. Monika bites down on her lower lip to squelch the next line, her brow furrowed. No! She can't!

...But. There are so many people she wants to share the song with. So many who would appreciate it, even if it was meant for a certain person. She'd put her heart into it, so that made it special. And why should she hold it in when so many people deserved to hear it? There were so many words inside of her, aching to be free!

And so many people who needed her love.

Her fingers walked across the keys, taking a winding journey back to her song. It was all she could do with the passion threatening to explode out of her chest like some demented monster.

Maybe, just maybe, it was best for her to let it free, along with all the other songs floating around her head. ]

Day 3

[ She wasn't real. She wasn't real. Never was. Never would be.

And no one would ever love her, no matter what she did.

It was all a game she'd never win.

Monika's shifted from her piano to her bed, staring at nothing. No matter how hard she tried to deny it, she always came back to the truth, the truth of who she was. Nothing. Just pixels on a screen.

Never real.

Never loved.

What was the point of trying anymore? No matter what she did, no one ever seemed to care. They'd give her strange looks, or they'd pull away, or the worst, humor her with no intention of returning any feelings. It had to be bad, wanting things so much. This had to be punishment for what she'd done to her friends, for trying to defy fate.

She stared up at the ceiling, clutching her sheets at the illusion around her, on her, in her.

She'd never escape, never be normal, never be loved.

And she deserved it. ]

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[He had a much better idea now of everything she had said before to him or why she said the way she had. But then how to fix it? It was harder than he thought it would be, something he hadn't encountered before, though somehow it sounded familiar, what with files and editing and not being quite real.]

But you are real.

[He tapped on the device once and ran his fingers across it, thinking about that static and thinking thought back to the carnival when she... She had a body. But that didn't make her any more or less of who she was. His fingers brushed across the screen too, like he were brushing her hair away from her eyes.]

I like you for you no matter who or what you are. It might not be much or exactly what you're looking for. But it is how I feel and I'm glad that I met you.

[He again wished that he could do more for her and would do his best to somehow fix it to the best of his abilities, as limited as they were.]

[ Monika jerks away from the screen and her grin disappears. Then she's suddenly shaking her head, her brow tight. ] No.

[ That goes against everything she's ever known, what little that is. She shakes her head harder. ]

You're just giving me platitudes. What good's that gonna do? At the end of the day, you're real and physical and you have someone that loves you and...

[ She sinks to her knees, chuckling sadly. ] I'm nothing but lines of code.

[ It's not really a confession or a plea for sympathy. It's the truth. So why keep denying it? ]

[Minato couldn't deny that he got to live some kind of life here at all. He was grateful for it, as cruel as Wonderland could be to others.]

It's really more than I deserve.

[Because who was he, really, in the grand scheme of things. He just lucked out somehow through no fault or doing of his own and he could see that it looked so unfair to someone else who worked so hard to just be alive, really alive.]

You're Monika, and that's something no one should be able to take away from you, code or flesh or not. How I feel about you won't change and what we have between us won't either.

[It wasn't love in the sense that she might have wanted. But it was a sort of affection, a friendship, that link that connected them and had just between the two of them. He wished that she could be happy too without having to be entirely dependent on the notion of love, so much so that if she couldn't get it that she retreated to the opposite spectrum and felt alone.]

[ She holds her temples. A faint overlay of static creeps onto the edges the screen. ] No one's ever given me anything. My own game didn't even give me an ending! I had to make one!

Half the time I don't even know who the hell I am. [ She laughs through a sniffle. ] I couldn't even get a decent backstory! Do you know what it feels like to not even know what your parents look like? To not even know if you had any? I...I don't even know half of what I did a month before I left.

How much more unreal can you get?

[Minato didn't know how much more he could convince her and plus everything she said was true, or so he took at face value. She was in the device, stuck as pixels across a screen, but sentient, and how could he truly understand.]

Now that you're here, is there time to find out who you are?

[Here in this place where she couldn't be erased or rewritten by some other means, events notwithstanding since everyone was susceptible to those.]

Or would you rather have been permanently deleted?

I thought about it a lot, deleting myself. I had plenty of time to think back home, ahaha. It was kind of my last resort. Then I found someone to make life better and...now I'm here. Dealing with the same crap all over again. Guess the only bright side is that I don't have to worry about getting thrown into the void.

Still, I just... [ The static creeps further. ] How can I find out more? This stuff wasn't written for me. I can't just pull memories out of thin air. And even if I could, who'd want to help me work through that?

[ Her eyes shut tightly. ] It's too much. I can't.

[Minato knew that static was not a good thing, not for her, not for anyone.]

Is it just that you think you'll be happy if someone loves you or you love someone?

[It had to be more complicated and deeper than that.]

If you're here, you've already created memories that you cherish and you're not alone. I don't want you to be deleted,, so I hope that one day, you can like yourself as much as I like you.

I know I would. If someone loved me, then something about me must be real.

[ Her eyes open. Hearing she's liked...haha. It feels like knives in her chest. What's being liked when she could be loved? What's all the rest matter?

A tear runs down her cheek. Deletion would be welcome right now. ]

But that's it, isn't it? People always only like me.

[ Monika raises her head to the ceiling, and the static takes over completely. ]

[That was... alarming, to say the least. Minato blinked, holding onto the device tighter.]

Monika?

[As it was his first time seeing that happen this event, he didn't know if it were from that or from her programming itself, something she did to make this happen. He shook his head and something about this moment made him sing, still not knowing if it would come across to her, if it made any sense at all, but it was all he could do.]

There might be rain that falls for a while
And white clouds that pass overnight
When they meet the wind, they blow away
No one can have them back as nothing is forever

But for you who has passed by in this moment
And everything about you that has changed overnight
I've never forgotten any of it
Like it's become a part of my heart

We may have never loved each other, we may have only been weak
It has all passed by and won't ever come back
But it did leave me with an everlasting impression
That only the rain and sky can understand

Under a tree without any shade
With its branches not very high up at all
Yet its roots penetrate deep into the earth, deep into my heart
Filled with so much meaning up to now and into forever

[When that ended or somehow did, he stayed with her for as long as she would be there.]

[ The static on her screen undulates, pulses like roiling fog. Her blank face comes through every now and then. There's no immediate reaction.

If she were in her right mind, that song definitely would've touched her. Even if Minato would never love her in the way she wanted, words like that would've warmed her heart to the idea of being cared for. Then perhaps she could learn that love isn't always necessary--at least not the romantic kind.

However, in one of the moments that she shows through the static, it's obvious that's not the situation right now. Her fists are balled up, her body rigid. ]

Not real.

[But all of this was real. She was real no matter what she thought or what other people thought or what this place thought. Those two words she said were enough to make him want to respond, but what came out instead was another song, wherever it had come from.]

He came in quietly
He slowly took away the silence
It's just that the last promise
Still hasn't taken away the loneliness

Our love wasn't a mistake
It's just that the beautiful one-man show is torturous
She said "it doesn't matter"
And as long as the night repeats over and over, there's focus

Until the sky becomes dark, the fireworks won't be perfect
The memories completely burned to ashes still can't wait until the end
The "it doesn't matter" she once said
I fear day after day, it'll be forgotten

Until the sky becomes dark, the flower buds don't dare to wither
The green leaves are following the feeling of unleashed pain
From now on, I will no longer fear the morning
I think I will only fear waking up

[He still hadn't taken his eyes off the screen, taking in the static before him and hoping to catch her for real.]

You're real to me because you're in my life.

[There really wasn't any other way to put it. She had given him meaning too just for existing and being a part of his existence.]

[ Monika her blank face appears through the static as it clears momentarily. Her shoulders are hunched, her fists balled in her lap. She almost seems...receptive.

However, her hands soon grasp her skirt tightly. Her posture gets rigid. A faint overlay of red stains the static as she mumbles out the first line of her most precious song, a stark dichotomy to the haunting images that have come up. ]

Every day...I imagine a future where I can be with you...

[Minato watched and listened. He hoped that by watching it would reassure her that he wasn't going anywhere, that she could see that he was there. And he was listening, having clearly heard her sing the line of that song.

He wished there was more he could do for her though. She never asked to exist and now that she did, her existence was so unfair. He knew that she wanted to be with him, but it couldn't be the way she wanted. He had to respond in kind, thus singing again to her:]

Don't let me hold you back
From here, it won't be much farther for you to reach your dreams
Don't drown here with me
From here on, if you don't have me, it should be better

And so today, I've walked alongside you to send you off
With my eyes filled with tears I've walked alongside you to send you away
For you to find a much better path
While I'll stay and wait and watch you from here

And... all you're seeing is that dust has gotten in my eyes
I'm not crying...
Please don't look back at me, please don't be concerned about me being heartbroken
The time that we loved each other, for as good as it was
Please don't worry, I'm all right
All I ask is to wish you well on that better path that belongs to you

We both know, we know... that I'm not enough for you
I'm not enough for you to give you the happiness you want
You should have a chance to find that better path
Tomorrow I know you'll find someone so much better

All I ask is to wish you well on the better path that belongs to you
I hope that you get to have all of your dreams come true
I'm not enough to take you there
So I have to set you free... It's all right, please don't worry

And... all you're seeing is that dust has gotten in my eyes
I'm not crying...
Please don't look back at me, please don't be concerned about me being heartbroken
The time that we loved each other, for as good as it was
Please don't worry, I'm all right
All I ask is to wish you well on that better path that belongs to you...

[ Her fists shake. For the briefest of seconds, the static nearly clears, but then it's back in full force. The red gets stronger, the hiss of static louder.

Monika clutches her head. ]

Every day. Not real. Alone.

[ She weakly hums a few notes of her song again before she pushes up off the floor and drops her hands to her sides. One step. Two steps. Then she's abruptly directly in front of the screen, her blank face unmoving.

After another moment, she cries out and slams her fists into the screen, over and over. There's a faint scream, then the feed goes black.

She's lost. ]

[There wasn't anymore Minato could do here. He wasn't exactly surprised that she had react in that way since it couldn't have been easy to hear, but she had to hear it. He hadn't wanted to hurt her, but it was inevitable, and he could only wish again that there was more he could do for her.

He would have to talk to her soon enough after this. He knew where she would be, he hoped, and they would have to slowly work things out. Together, since that was best.]

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And if this world won't write me an ending

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those songs are so pretty ;~;

aw, i'm glad you like them! ;o;

i love them so much sobbb

same <3