entrancelogs | burns my ears when they sing

Entry tags:

burns my ears when they sing

Who: Jay and you
Where: The Mansion + The Grounds
When: April 8th-10th
Rating: PG-13; the usual Marble Hornets mental health talk, made worse by the event
Summary: Jay's Gradual Relapse: the Rock Opera

Day 2 - Open - The Library - The Lonely Life of the UFO Researcher

He's finally, finally teased a decent laptop out of the closet, one with enough power to render ten minutes of video without taking a day and a half before crashing and requiring a restart. It's an improvement. Hell, it's an improvement over his old machine.

Is that still in his car?

He doesn't think about that. Instead, he sinks into a plush, red couch in one of the reading rooms, laptop open, and focuses on the screen. No entries anymore, so no real use in editing the footage he's taken, but it keeps his mind occupied, and when an event's just crested the horizon and George has seriously just started singing, publicly, on Wonderland's sorry excuse for the internet, a distraction is what he needs. Behind the editing software, he's got a document open for brainstorming, and there's a tall stack of books on the table next to him -- regional American folklore, Germanic folklore, true crime, medical journals, anything that might give him a better understanding of the situation back home. Inside the pocket of his sweatshirt, there's a bottle of pills.

He doesn't notice when he starts humming, and he very nearly doesn't notice when the tune develops lyrics.

Antenna towers and distant hopes
I’ve measured happiness with telescopes
Well, I’ve been face to face with what my future brings
The reels they turn, recording blips and pings
Through the white noise and distortion
There’s a message I can feel
Just give me one sign that you’re real

An orange glow, some blinking lights
Don’t know how most folks spend their Friday nights
Well I’ve seen evidence no one would dare dispute
Witness accounts make up my life’s pursuit
And in those photos, there’s a sadness
And a message I can feel
Just give me one sign that you’re real
Please give me one sign that you’re real

His voice is soft and unpracticed, wavering off-key when it comes to the higher notes, but it's not as bad as he dreaded. And hell, it's not like anyone's listening.

Day 3 - Open - Near the Woods - Lost Like This

It's getting worse--he's getting worse. What was that Tim warned him about? Mood swings? He read the name of the compound, something generic, something he could track down and look up and read about. Psychopharmacology -- modern marvel, right? Throw something at the human brain and see what sticks. Flies then mice then rats then monkeys then human beings, and they throw so many out on the way up, but they don't test long enough, do they? Don't take into account the long-term effects. Sample size is too small, time's too short, and what was that Alex told him? About corruption and big business and copyright and all that?

He's not sure if it makes sense. He's not sure if he's making sense, but he's stopped for now. No dose tonight, no dose tomorrow, and if Tim gets pissed off that's on him, because what works on him won't work for everyone, clearly.

Clearly.

The Gryphon said something (he can wind back the tape if he really wants to remember), and maybe that's it. Maybe that's all this is. Maybe it's fine, maybe the pills Tim shoved down his throat are fine, really, and maybe he shouldn't skip doses because maybe that'll make it worse. Maybe that's why he felt so off so quickly. Maybe this is his fault.

Focus.

Rethink your doubts, it said. Find a place within yourself. And that's what he's doing, right? It's not a place within himself, exactly, it's a place outside, where it's wet and dark and the crickets are buzzing, but that's fine. It's the doubts part he's dealing with first, since the other part's either a metaphor or disturbingly literal. If it's literal, it should be fine. He's been hollowed out enough. Should be room.

Focus.

It's not here, Tim told him, except when there's an event. Hasn't seen the real thing since he showed up, but that doesn't mean anything for sure. It's not the same woods, here, not even remotely. Different biome, different trees, different everything. It's dangerous for different reasons. But there's nowhere else he can really think of to go. He's gotten antsy, looking through books and poring through footage with nothing, no bars of static, no blips of audio distortion, no shadows moving along the walls, no leads. The only way this stops is if he figures out what's going on -- not just now, here, in this event, but everything. Back home, here -- even if it's not all connected, there should be something. There must be something he can do.

Jay Merrick stares into the darkness between the trees, camera clutched in a white-knuckle grip, and freezes.

What the hell is he doing?

Mumbled and near-hysterical, a song winds its way out of him.

I'm standing all alone, out in the pouring rain
And though it really isn't like me to complain
I think I'm getting used to it

I feel happy, and I also feel bad
I've never been here, but somehow I think I have
But I'm getting used to it

He sways, something like a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. Nobody's watching. It's fine. It's fine.

I've never been lost like this
I've never been lost like this
But I wouldn't be happy anywhere else
Nobody to tell us what to do, all by ourselves

He's at the treeline now, not quite stepping in, but just close enough to get a better look.

Don't know how I got here
And I don't know why I stay
The poets all around are laughing in their graves
Must be something I said

This place is not like anything I've seen before
The spirits move around; the houses have no doors
But I'm getting used to it

I've never been lost like this
I've never been lost like this
But I wouldn't be happy anywhere else
Nobody to tell us what to do, all by ourselves

They're not looking for him, are they? Shouldn't be. Wouldn't make sense for them to be. Tim worries about him, sure, but he's not watching, not close enough. He won't even look at the footage.

Even his parents stopped calling, after a while.

Still, he leans back and looks back at the mansion, feeling rough bark press against his spine through his shirt. He watches silhouettes move behind yellow-lit windows.

The others wouldn't be too thrilled, if they saw him out here. They wouldn't admit it makes sense. They wouldn't admit it's the right thing to do, because if they did, they'd have to admit they're hiding. As tempting--god, as tempting as it is to hide, everything stalls out when he tries. You don't get information by being a coward.

Isn't this a fine hello?
I wish I hadn't seen you go
It's always been a bitter pill
The broken mirror's broken still
The letters never made the post
A thousand more I never wrote
And here, on the dark, unfriendly streets
I find the comfort that I seek
And I'm happy, and I've been happy

I've never been lost like this
I've never been lost like this
But I wouldn't be happy anywhere else
Nobody to tell us what to do, all by ourselves

Day 4 - CLOSED to Clem and Tim - The Entrance Hall - Woke up afraid of my own shadow -- like, genuinely afraid

He knew it. He fucking knew it. Worse, he's positive they all did, too. Tim, both of them, but not just him. Georgia and Shaun and Clementine and Shepard and Sans and Dan and the Queen and everyone. They kept quiet, just long enough for Jay to get complacent enough for Tim to weave a lie convincing enough that it'd make him think it was okay. He's fine. Everything's fine. This place isn't like back home.

Bullshit.

He never left. He never left, and now he can see this place for what it is. He can see the cracks. Streaks of red-orange-yellow-black-white tug at the edges of his vision, and even if he can't see it, he knows the configuration changes when he looks away. Buffers just fast enough to load when he looks, but he's not fooled. The room's changing. Doesn't work like a real thing should, but it's real. It's there, and maybe if he wasn't so gullible, if he wasn't so stupid, he would've noticed sooner.

Jay rubs at the handle of the knife with his thumb, adjusting his grip. He can feel the dirt caked under his nails, can feel the sting left when the branches ~~clawed~~ scraped against his arms. He's tracking mud across the carpet.

The camera's rolling. He just changed the ~~tape.~~ There's a couple spares in his pocket, still wrapped in plastic, if this runs long.

He's going to find Tim. He's going to find the others.

~~He's going to find Jessica.~~

He's going to get his answers, before the static covers his eyes completely.

His chest seizes, and he loses his balance, gripping the railing of the staircase. His head is buzzing, but he's going to get his answers. He's going to get his answers. He's going to get

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Sans rubs the back of his skull.

"yeah, uh. wonderland doesn't really mess around."

Not where it counts, at least. This world is brutal.

He's not sure why Jay is so interested in this now, but oh well. If talking about it keeps him from actually going in there, then it's worth it.

"don't think so, no. i'm not sure any kind of drone would survive past the edges. they'd probably just shut down."

He gives Jay a curious look.

"though i guess you could try sending something out there, see for yourself."

Maybe the guy wants a project?

Jay chews at the inside of his cheek before muttering, "Need to figure out some way to get it to broadcast."

Again, he lapses into silence, staring into the space between the trees. He'll need to find some way to get it to broadcast, since there's little to no chance for a successful trip out to retrieve the footage. Now that he's got the option to avoid death, he'd prefer to take it. Too bad the forest's too big and the treetops are too dense to use a single camera to map out the whole thing, but it's not like he can do it on foot, either. Maybe he can use it to do a little investigating. Or maybe nothing he read about has any weight here. Maybe nothing he read about has any weight back home, either.

Jay remembers Sans is next to him with a jolt.

"I mean, if we're trying to figure out what stops people from going past the edges, we're gonna have to see it before it...stops us."

Sans actually muses about that for a moment, tapping his chin.

"suppose you could set up...uh, relays or something? or just use the network."

The network seems to work everywhere in Wonderland, except during some events. Setting up relays--and Sans honestly isn't entirely sure what that would mean or entail--might not work out so well. He knows Wonderland doesn't like to be altered.

Jay seems to have spaced out while Sans was lost in thought and Sans blinks at him when he speaks up again.

"i mean, might just be a barrier. though barriers don't usually kill folk...at least the sort i'm familiar with didn't."

Sans has wondered for years what would happen if he tried to teleport through the barrier. He has never tried to find out.

"you think it might be something else?"

Jay might need a distraction, but so does Sans. Talking and having another living person near him is doing wonders for all that growing despair.

Jay grimaces. "I mean, if I were a memory-eating dimension who wanted to keep people in place, some kind of...electrical-fence-type thing makes sense."

He glances back at Sans, eyes narrow. "Assuming that's what you meant by 'barrier'."

Jay wishes he knew a little more about the tech side of this stuff. He knows the basic science behind how to get certain shots, sure, but he's not sure how to design a steaming system like this. He'd google it, but, surprise-surprise, still no internet. There's still the library, though. Small blessings.

He grimaces a little at that.

"yeah, you got a point. it's like free deaths to fuel the core."

He shakes his head a little.

"when i think barrier...at least that word specifically, i just think of the one in the underground."

The word has a much more specific meaning to monsters. Though he supposes it's all just semantics.

"...anyway, if you need help setting up a sorta...camera array or something, you could talk to alphys. she had a whole network of cameras back home. she'd at least be able to tell you how to relay things. it's all engineering and tech stuff, so...i'm not sure how any of it really works."

Normally he wouldn't be so open about the fact that he has any understanding of any science at all, but Jay already knows he was a scientist. There's nothing to really hide.

"The underground?" Yeah, sure, his attention's zipping all over the place, but this is interesting. Needs to know as much as he can, before he goes into hiding again ~~like the coward he knows he is~~. "Like, the caves, or...?"

He's been to the caves. He nearly went spelunking, for real, with harnesses and ropes and the whole deal. But the caves went back too far, and his partner was too unfamiliar (even if his dog was nice), so he bailed. It was good he bailed. Seemed like the place was shifting around when he stopped paying attention.

Speaking of paying attention, Sans says he's not sure how any of it really works. But he's a scientist, right? (How does he know this?) Sure, not like every scientist knows everything about everything, but he knows Sans knows something. He knows enough to know more than Jay, which pisses him off a little, if he's honest. Jay's the camera guy. Jay's the surveillance guy. He should know this. And Sans isn't lying, exactly, but the way he evades further questions about it makes Jay uneasy.

What was he thinking about again?

"And, uh, Alphys." Alphys has cameras, too? Sounds like her surveillance rig was an even larger ordeal than any of Jay's. He should talk to Alphys. He should, once he gets back. He should be heading back. "Right."

Right?

Sans raises a brow ridge at him.

"haven't i mentioned it? it's where monsters live back home. we call it the underground. alphys was--well, still is the royal scientist."

He grins faintly. He always manages to perk up a little when he's talking up his friends or family.

"she's brilliant. she'd definitely be able to help you."

Sans knows jack all shit about cameras or networks, but Alphys knows hardware stuff like that back and front. It's kind of a wonder that she hasn't already set up a whole surveillance system around Wonderland.

Jay is seeming more and more scattered. Sans gestures toward the mansion.

"howzabout we head back and find some late-night snacks or something, before another song comes on? i can give you al's network info."

He knows better than to just grab Jay and teleport them both back to the mansion, but he'd really rather not leave the guy alone out here.

He just explains it, and just like that, he knows a little more about how everything fits together. This "underground" is home for him and the others - Asgore, Alphys, and the rest. He's sure there's a rest. She was the royal scientist, too, which lines up with the bits he's pieced together about Asgore. He was the king, or ruler, or something, so a royal scientist probably wouldn't be too unusual.

Granted, he's not even sure he knows how Congress works--thanks, American education system--so he's not really the best to be saying what does or doesn't make sense for a monarchy. Is it even a monarchy? Constitutional monarchy?

Right, they were talking about cameras. And before that...

Later. He'll get back to it. He has to.

For now, Jay slumps, looking back at the mansion. It feels an awful lot like giving up--but he's not, really. He wasn't ready. He'll be better prepared next time.

"Yeah."

It's hesitant, but it's an agreement.

"Probably best to get back to this when I'm not..." He grimaces, rolling his eyes. "...belting out showtunes."

Sans is a little surprised that no one's mentioned it till now. Maybe it's just that Jay doesn't know many of the other monsters. It usually comes up eventually, at least in Sans's experience. Humans always want to know how monsters can exist or what have you, and then there are multiple steps that you have to explain. It's kinda tiring.

Jay seems to drop it for now, though. Sans internally relaxes a little when Jay agrees to go back to the mansion.

"yeah, heh. you wouldn't want to attract dinosaurs. or whatever the hell else this event's got in store."

He gestures for Jay to follow him. Jay could probably use some fries and coffee after being out here in the chilly night air.

Maybe not the coffee. The guy's jumpy enough as it is.

Dinosaurs. Right.

Jay snorts. "One of 'em...I snapped my wrist last time running from one of 'em, so..." Running from one of them, sure, but also keeping it from tearing Tim apart. He never got Tim out. He never found out what happened. All he knows is that he never saw Tim's body under a sheet. "Yeah, wouldn't want to see another one."

He follows Sans toward the Mansion--and, if they're heading the direction he thinks they're heading, toward the kitchen. Not like he's got too many other options. Besides, Sans has been around this place longer. He's probably picked things up.

"Has anybody ever...?" Jay's not sure how to put this--not even fully sure what he's asking--but he'll figure it out as he talks, like a normal person asking a normal question. "When there's not an event, I mean. Has anybody ever...seen anything out there?" He gestures back in the direction of the woods.

He winces a little. Humans talk so casually about breaking bones like that, probably because other kinds of injuries are a lot worse for them. Still, even with flesh and muscle holding things together, breaking a bone must still be pretty awful for a human.

"yeesh. that sucks."

But at least Jay is following him. Thank goodness. He's as hard to wrangle as Tim is.

Maybe that's an unkind way to think about it.

"you know...i'm not sure. i don't think so. but then again, i've never gone out all that far."

There's a meadow that's pretty deep in the woods that has become his sort of...meditation zone, or something. But that's it.

"i don't think there's actually a wall or barrier or anything. people talk about it like you just sorta...pass out. like from exhaustion, almost. and i've never heard about there being any sorta..."

He shrugs, not entirely sure what Jay is looking for.

"...any sorta things out there. in the sense of creatures or whatever, nothing like that. at least not as i've heard."

But then again, who knows?

Sounds an awful lot like a regular forest, if he's honest. If you walk far enough, you'll just die from exposure. It's why he tried to stick to the trails.

(Fat lot of good that did him.)

Jay doesn't believe him. Not that he thinks Sans is lying, exactly. It just seems like there should be more to it. The point where people pass out--is it from magic or exposure? Could his helicopter plan go further, with a strong enough battery? Is the "edge" really the edge? If so, wouldn't people who got that far be able to see something?

"Is Wonderland flat?"

Nice. That's absolutely going to make sense as a response to what Sans suggested.

Speaking of Sans, Jay caught that flinch, too. Sure, anybody'd flinch when someone mentions a broken wrist, but it seemed like there was something else going on there. Something...oh. Wait. Broken wrist. Broken bone. Can a magic skeleton monster or whatever break like that? Would their entire hand just fall off? Would whatever's holding Sans together now hold him together the same way if he fractured his wrist?

...Jay's staring, isn't he?

That startles a laugh out of him.

"god, i hope not. this place is wacky enough as it is. i don't think i could also deal with it being flat."

The scientist in him would probably just start screaming and not stop.

After another moment, he notices Jay staring at him. He grins a bit.

"heh, what's that look for?"

"Just. Uh."

He can't exactly lie. If you ask Tim--honestly, if you ask anyone, he's a lousy liar. Not sharp enough. Not fast enough.

"Sorry." He's still staring. "But, uh...I mean, you don't have to answer, but, uh. If you break your wrist or something, is it, uh...same as us? Like, with the whole...skeleton thing."

He was weird about Mae being a cat. Now he'd being weird about Sans being a skeleton. Great. Good to know all those manners his parents taught him stuck. Proper Southern gentleman. God, why is he like this?

Oh. Must've seen the flinch before.

It's a legitimate enough question, he supposes. Once you get past the whole walking talking magical skeleton thing, it's gotta be somewhere on the list of things your average human would wonder about.

"huh."

He doesn't sound offended, at least. It's just kind of a complicated question, mostly because he's not sure how much Jay knows about magic at all.

"so monsters have healing magic, yeah? or at least some of us do. a talented healer could heal up even a bad injury in a matter of minutes. i know when a human breaks something, they gotta just wait for it to heal naturally."

Even Sans doesn't think he'd have the patience for that, even if it were an option for him. He's not sure how it is for humans, but a broken bone would probably hurt the entire time it's healing.

"so it depends, i guess. on if you've got a healer nearby, or if you can heal it yourself...which bone gets broken and how bad the break is, that sorta thing. even if you get it healed quickly, you gotta be careful for awhile. papyrus cracked his--uh, one of his ankle bones, when he was real little. got a healer to fix it real quick, but he had to stay indoors and off his feet for a week after. heh, i'm pretty sure he almost went crazy."

Papyrus with cabin fever is not for the faint of heart. Sans chuckles a bit and rubs the back of his neck.

"think the bottom line is that breaking a bone for us is a--big deal. seems like a big deal for humans, though, so i couldn't say if it was worse or not. except i guess...i mean, uh, don't want to be graphic or anything, but if a skeleton breaks a bone real bad, that bone is pretty much--gone. i've heard of skeletons losing limbs, that sorta thing."

He shrugs. It's more than he'd usually say about it, or about anything for that matter, but he's trying to do better about actually talking. Still, he's pretty sure that's his limit. The idea of breaking bones makes him kinda nauseous.

"guess you could say breaking a bone makes us go to pieces, heh. uh...maybe that's too dark. sorry."

Jay's eyes are wide as saucers.

"I mean..." He nods toward Sans, acknowledging the pun without losing his thousand-yard stare. "You said it."

Indoors. They were heading indoors somewhere. Kitchen? Jay stumbles vaguely in a kitchen-esque direction.

They lose the entire limb.

"Healers." He doesn't mention doctors, just healers. If you've got magic, is healing magic just medicine. Could you consider regular medicine healing magic? "We...we've got some here, right? In case..."

He can't handle the silence, so he keeps going.

"And, I mean, if worst comes to worst, would...like, if we put it in a cast, like a regular--human, like a human bone, would that help?"

Lord, maybe it was a bad idea to say anything. Jay is staring at him like Sans just told him that sometimes birds build nests in his skull.

Wow, that's an interesting thought that he definitely didn't want to ever have.

"but listen, uh, it sounds bad but it really doesn't happen that often. plus there's only two of us here in wonderland, so..."

So why is Jay even that worried? Sans considers him a friend, but do people usually worry about specific injuries happening to their friends like this? On the other hand...after Papyrus fractured his ankle as a kid, Sans remembers watching him like a hawk for almost a year afterward.

At least they've made it to the kitchen. Maybe some food will calm Jay down. Sans goes to a cupboard and pulls out two steaming trays of French fries.

"uh...i think asgore has healing magic. alphys might...mettaton might know a bit too. i dunno. magic from other worlds might work, i've never checked. if if we don't have healing magic, we've got monster food."

He indicates the fries.

"monster food is pure magic, and it acts like a healing spell. so, really, there's nothing to be worried about. papyrus is pretty sturdy, and i'm real careful. heh, i guess i don't really act like it. seem more careless than anything, hehe."

Jay doesn't need to know about his HP, but if it comes up, well...whatever. It's not like he's the only human here who would know.

He chuckles a bit at the idea of a skeleton wearing a cast.

"might even be a bit much. hell, duct tape would work just fine. seriously, jay, there's really no need to worry 'bout it."

God, those fries look amazing. It's been nearly a year, now, and Jay's still getting used to the kitchens. Any food you want, anytime you want it. Free of charge. He still catches himself stashing trail mix and water bottles in his room, just in case something happens. He can't trust something this good will stick around.

The fries, at least, look like they'll stick around long enough to shove them in his face. Don't worry about it goes down a little easier with salt and grease.

One question, though.

He picks up one of the trays for himself, gesturing at it.

"Are these, uh." Jay has to collect his thoughts for a second. "I guess, A) Is this one monster food, too? and B) Is it, uh, safe? For me to eat it?"

Sans still considers the kitchens--and by extension, the closets--to be a highlight of Wonderland. One of the main reasons he'd rather not go home. Free food whenever you want? Hell yes. It's no Grillby's, but it does the trick.

He grins at the question and winks at Jay.

"mine is monster food, and yeah, it's safe for humans. actually, you wanna conduct a sorta experiment? just a taste test."

He literally can't eat real human food, so he's kind of curious about whether there's a difference in taste. There probably isn't, but it'd be interesting to find out. Hopefully Jay won't mind being a guinea pig, since he'll get free fries out of it.

Jay squints at the two trays of fries, first at his own and then at the one Sans is holding.

Finally, he looks back up at Sans himself, visibly wary.

"If you know it's safe, then what makes it an experiment?"

"i'm just curious. can't eat human food, see--it goes right through me."

His grin goes lopsided. It's a hilarious joke, even moreso because he's being literal.

"i'm just wondering if monster food tastes any different than human food. here."

He picks up two fries, one from each tray, and passes them from hand to hand for a moment until it's hard to tell which trays they came from. Then he holds them out to Jay.

"for science."

Goes right through him. Oh. Oh. Got it. Cool. Jay manages a half-hearted eyeroll and a quiet snort. Not quite a laugh, but it's something.

Assuming it's safe, this should be fine. Assuming it's safe.

Jay sighs, deflating. "For science."

He snags both fries and closes his eyes, switching them between his own hands a few times before holding them up, eyes still shut.

He give the left one a hesitant nibble.

It's good enough. Sans's grin widens and his eyesockets crinkle a little. Even in the middle of an event as increasingly depressing as this one, he still loves making people laugh. Even if it's just a little.

He props his chin on his hand as Jay eats the fries. They shouldn't end up tasting any different at all. If anything, the real fry will just feel heavier going down. And the magic fry will probably heal up any minor injuries Jay has. Sans hopes that counts as a bonus.

"so?"

"Tastes about the same, but, uh..." Jay starts through a bite of fry, before grimacing slightly. "This one sticks in my throat a little more."

Is that weird, or does it just feel weird because the first one set his baseline?

He nibbles on the first one again.

"Okay, yeah, this one's the weird one."

He kinda likes it, though, if he's honest. Fries are supposed to some crispiness to them, but this whole melt-in-your-mouth thing is nice.

"How'd you get the whole...texture like that? Like, magic, or...?"

A snack must've been what he needed, because he can feel his headache start to ease up. Wasn't really paying attention to it before, but yeah, must not've taken an Advil.

"yeah? well, huh. guess that makes sense. human food is supposed to be more solid."

Not that he'd really know. Trying to eat a real human fry would do jack all shit for him, except make a mess.

He's grinning though. This is nice. This is a good distraction from everything else going on. And from their previous discussion about broken bones.

"it's the magic that does it. it's designed to match the taste and texture as close to the real thing as close as possible. that's how we can have burgers in the underground despite not having, uh...yanno, cows."

Frankly, that was kind of a weird moment, realizing how much human food comes from animals. Specifically dead animals. Ah, well. Not something he really has to think about.

"anyway, it's cool to find out they taste the same. thanks for indulging me."

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Jay Most Certainly Wants A Project

keep the boy distracted

keep him out of trouble. well, this trouble, specifically.

jay must be protected from himself

goshdarnit they could've talked cameras

sob

like anxious, internet-dwelling ships that pass in the night

the sad nerd cruise line

all aboard

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cw: kinda body horror

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