entrancelogs | Secrets for tomorrow, secrets kept forever

Secrets for tomorrow, secrets kept forever

Who: Barbie and Julia
Where: Around the mansion
When: During Regrets event
Rating: PG for language, maybe.
Summary: Barbie and Julia have been here a while, but there's a secret he's been keeping from her that he can't keep t himself any longer.
The Story:

It's been some time since they've been in Wonderland. Barbie has yet to let go of his nervousness. About the Dome. About Big Jim Rennie. About the secrets he's kept from Julia. Secrets he knows he's kept for fear of losing her, and knowing too that they can't go much further without him being open about them.

So in the end, for no other reason than he feels that they're somehow running out of time, one way or another, he seeks out Julia to make his confession. Perhaps for his own sake, but needing to tell her before they end up back in Chester's Mill.

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If she'd known how different things were, she would have been surprised. There isn't a lot that's changed, in the grand scheme of things - she still doesn't expect to see Peter again, whether or not the Dome breaks, and she and Barbie have settled into a comfortable familiarity the longer they are in Wonderland. Sometimes she wonders what will happen when they go home, if they will ever figure out anything at all, if they will be on the run for the rest of their lives, and if Joe, Angie, and Norrie are even okay. All the mysteries Julia thought they were on the verge of solving vanished when she and Barbie made a run for it and ended up in Wonderland, and part of her is more than happy to just let them stay unsolved for the time being.

For now, she's in the kitchen, trying her hand at cooking. She's never been a particularly good cook, but Wonderland has given her a chance to figure out a lot of things about herself she's never considered in the past. She's currently sprinkling a questionable concoction of spices over a couple pieces of chicken when Barbie finds her, and she offers him a smile.

"What's wrong? You look like you just got yelled at for tracking mud all over the carpet."

Maybe it's all a mistake. Maybe he shouldn't do this. Is there truly a reason to lay this on her, to make her accept what he's done? He knows there is. If they're going to continue on, to try and have something whether here in Wonderland or back in Chester's Mill, she needs to know the truths.

"I've just... I've been thinking about some things, and there's things you need to know. In case we ever end up back in Chester's Mills." He's not sure why it's coming to him now to talk to her about this, but he can't help but feel he needs to.

This is starting to look far worse than Julia had thought, so she grabs a towel to wipe off her hands and gives Barbie her full attention. She's close to arguing that whatever it is couldn't possibly matter--it's not as if they'll remember any of this once they have returned home--but it's important to him, clearly, although she can't ignore the way her hands are starting to shake.

"Barbie, what's going on? You're starting to worry me."

"Well then maybe you won't get mad at me," he says, trying to smile, offering a teasing look. Except he knows she's going to be angry and there's nothing he can do about that. Except he should have told her sooner.

"I... I shot Maxine. I killed her. Big Jim knows, and I'll be wanted for her murder when we get sent back."

Just like that. He can't hem and haw any longer, not after waiting this long.

Julia isn't sure how to respond. She turns away from him, concentrating instead on getting back to her chicken, because it's easier to think about than sharing a bed with a murderer.

The thought is quick and Julia tries to dash it away. It was obviously self-defense. Barbie would never kill anyone without provocation... Would he?

"How the hell did Jim find out and I didn't even know?" She turns to him again, her eyes narrowed. "How could you hide this from me?"

He sighs, shaking his head. "Because he was there. She was... She had a gun on us, and we weren't going to walk away from it. She's taking rations from people through betting, through fight clubs, and we got into it and..."

And she was dead. And despite being upset about having to tell Julia, he is none to upset over her death.

"But already before we ended up here? He was hinting at me being a murderer. It is just the excuse he needs to kill me with the public backing him. Public menace, stranger and all."

Though that didn't answer the more important question.

"Because we were here and I wanted it all to be over. I wanted to leave the dome and everything that happened to us there behind. I didn't want to talk about myself and Maxine, or what I was going back to, and so I just wanted to ignore it. Except a lot of people keep leaving and eventually it could be use, and I couldn't not tell you about what might happen."

Which is wrong. In a way. It's his guilt, and his guilt not over the death but over hiding things from Julia.

"You promised me no more secrets. You promised."

She points her finger at him, all the while a little horrified at herself that she is more concerned with that than the fact that he actually killed someone. Maybe that is just a natural result of their time in Wonderland, or maybe there is part of her that always suspected the Dome would drive them to more than just grocery store riots. The Dome seemed to change everything quickly.

Or did it? Maybe Chester's Mill was like this all along.

"What else are you not telling me?"

And he had, and for a moment Barbie blinks, looking confused and uncertain. He had promises that and he isn't sure why he would have lied about this. This that is self defense and isn't him dying and he shakes his head, looking like a wounded puppy.

"I don't know. I just know that I felt like I had to keep it from you."

But he's not sure why, and he's not sure about other things in his head. Like the other secret he'd kept from her, trying to remember not why but what. He can't remember that moment as clearly as he can what had happened to Maxine.

"Nothing. Nothing, Julia. I don't even know why I hid this. She was a monster and she was prepared to destroy everyone under the dome for her own pleasure. She would have killed us all, just to be the last one standing."

"Your reasoning doesn't matter to me at all."

She slams one of the spice containers down on the counter, doing her best not to lose her temper and failing miserably.

"After everything Peter hid from me, you should have known that I'd be a little pissed off about this. You killed someone and you didn't tell me. And now you just want me to trust that there isn't something else you're not telling me?"

"I saved my life, and God forbid, Big Jim's life." He falls quiet for a minute, knowing he shouldn't say more but he does. "I was trained to kill to protect, and I will."

He shook his head. "No. Actually, no, I don't. I'm not telling you so you forgive me," he says, taking a step back. "I'm telling you because you deserve to know and I don't expect you to trust me at all."

And it hurts, because he knows there is a chance he is about to lose her, and lose everything that he's ever wanted and needed, but he can't pretend he deserves a chance after all he's done to her. It's a harsh realization in that moment that he's not better than anyone else that has lied to her, and loving her as much as he does doesn't change that.

Julia looks away from him, thankful that the fall of her hair blocks him from her periphery momentarily. Miscommunication breeds distrust and Julia has tried her best to force down any misgivings she's ever had about Barbie, regardless of what he's hinted to her in the past. But as much as she had hoped for things to progress between them, they really haven't in Wonderland. Things have been oddly stagnant - motionless, but comfortable. Julia wonders if that is just her excuse to keep going on, like she did with Peter, because being comfortable was better than questioning anything she knew about herself.

She moves to look back at him again. "I don't know what you want me to say."

He isn't sure what he expects her to say, which is the realization he has that he never expected her to say anything. He didn't expect forgiveness. He didn't expect her to try and give him a chance. He doesn't even expect her to tell him that she loves him.

Drawing a breath, closing his eyes for a moment, and realizing that he only has one thing to say.

"All I ask is that you consider, in the future, giving me another chance. Long as we can, we will live here. Maybe one day you'll let me have a chance to try again. We can talk, about anything, we can maybe have a date, maybe figure things out from here. Not in the dome. Not any of that. Just us here. One day."

His words hit her hard because she's realized, somehow, she just broke up with him. It doesn't feel entirely right, but it doesn't feel completely wrong either. They've always known they were two different people, that what they had might never translate beyond the Dome. Maybe all Wonderland has done is prove that to be true.

It hurts, but she doesn't see any alternative right now. She doesn't trust him, and that was all they really had before.

Which is saying a lot coming from her.

"Maybe," she concedes, glancing down at the two pieces of chicken she had been preparing for them only minutes before. "But I think right now it's a good idea for us to have some space."

He should have known this was the only answer. He hadn't even known if there was any other option, but once he said the words, saw her reaction, he had known this was the only solution. If he hopes to keep her, he has to let her have her space.

"I love you, Julia. No matter what I've don,e, or what you think of me, I love you," he says, even as he takes a step back, knowing he will clear out, let her have this space.

She loves him, too. She's not sure that will ever not be the case, regardless of what he's done, to her or anyone else. But Julia also isn't sure she can trust her love anymore.

She loved Peter, and he betrayed her. She loves Barbie, and he lied. Julia is starting to wonder if the problem is actually her.

"I'm going to clean up down here. It'll give you time to get your stuff out of my room." She can barely believe she's even saying it as it's coming out of her mouth, but she can't bring herself to offer the assurances he's offered her. It wouldn't feel right, to give him hope that she's not sure she has herself anymore.

Barbie nods, not arguing, not fighting with her, not resisting because he knows the truth. He did this, he lied once more, and he deserves no forgiveness.

So instead he just turns, leaving the room and heading for the bedroom to get his things.

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Secrets for tomorrow, secrets kept forever

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