entrancelogs | + It's All About Balance +

The fighting Michonne has been doing is all in the name of keeping the people she loves safe. So, when she sees Clementine over some of the fighting in front of her, she starts trying to make her way. She hasn't seen what happened, she doesn't know. She just knows that Clem might not be able to dodge danger forever.

Once she's close enough she shouts, but with no reaction, Michonne keeps going until she's close enough to touch Clementine's shoulder. But before she can, she sees Louis and it makes her blood run cold and nothing else around her really registers anymore.

No. Not him.

Not another son.

The walker hasn't noticed either of them yet. Kokichi's done a good job of making enough noise on his side of the door to keep it occupied. It continues to scrape its fingertips against the wood of the door- trying to get to the noisy, living thing on the other side of it.

Its chest is still a horrible, clawed up mess- if they had any wonder how Louis' ticket was punched in this event, the outriders left a pretty damn good calling card. It lets out the token gutteral groan of a walker, no smiles, no quips. Just an empty body carrying an empty thing.

Something like bile slides up in Clementine's throat even as she pulls the revolver she took with her out. She readies it with surprisingly steady arms. There was no preparing herself for this- no preparing herself for what it would be like to see Louis this way. She could kill it right now. Put a bullet through the brains of the thing before it's even aware (that would be the smarter choice), but she doesn't.

Not yet.

"I told you this would happen. Why the fuck did you have to go looking for me?"

Her voice is hard, loud enough that it carries. Her eyes full, but she pushes that back too- pushes the tears back until her vision is clear.

Her arms still steady.

If she's going to blow its head off, she is going to do it with it facing her.

All at once, everything in Michonne runs hot as blood rushes to her head and she realizes what's about to happen.

"You don't have to do it," she offers, eyes flicking back up to what used to be Louis, knowing the sound of Clementine's voice will make it turn.

Clementine's voice certainly carries- it attracts the attention she wanted. The walker lets out a breathy sound, turning slowly in the direction of the new noise- the sounds from Kokichi forgotten in favour of the much closer, much more obtainable meal. There's no recognition in its eyes, of course- just like AJ said, monster eyes are empty- just dirty water- nothing of the person they once were remains, not even a hint of an echo.

There's blood on its lips- it's definitely been feeding- though if it's been feeding on the outriders or other residents is a lot harder to see. It's not like the walker could tell them. It locks on to Clem and Michonne and starts shambling towards them.

It's only now Clementine realizes Michonne is there behind her (Someone else hurt by the sight of this, someone else that will understand and grieve for the boy who is gone- for the boy she loves who is gone right now. Is this how it will happen back home?). She doesn't turn to look back, but she's grateful Michonne is here so someone else can understand why this hurts so fucking much, so someone else can feel this great, chasm of a loss with her.

She doesn't take her eyes off of the walker. She lied to James. She told James she believed what he did (about there being something more in walkers, something human left inside. ...what a terrifying truth even if it was true). She lied so James would help them (because that's the kind of person she is), but she knows there is nothing left of Louis in this thing.

"Yes, I do. It's my fault this happened." She holds on to the anger cause that is easier. "I need to do it."

Her throat locks up. She shakes her head to try to free herself of that emotion.

It turns toward her with its empty eyes, and she readies it, directly at his head, and then pulls the trigger, watching the bullet fly off, make a hole in his head. Take away the thing that dare to steal his body, which now falls to the ground.

There's a moment where Michonne feels bile rise in her throat, but she pushes it back, swallowing heavily. She wants to fall, wants to pull him into her arms and apologize for not being there to protect him. Grief squeezes at her heart but the shot turned some of the aliens toward them and she draws her sword.

"Clementine, we can't stay out in the open," she shouts, running an Outrider through with her blade.

Clementine swallows, forcing back every emotional reaction she could have. There's aliens coming in. She turns, moving her hand to the gun that she has affixed to her crutches, firing a shot at them. It blasts through, and she tightens her hold to keep from flying back.

"I can't leave him here." Her voice is sharp, pained, abrupt with tears in her eyes which she pushes back, knowing that in a survival situation she should, but- but. He's going to come back in a day, and if the Event's still happening, he'll come back in the mess. "Can you help move him to a room once we get a clearing?"

"Keep me clear," Michonne tells her, choking back tears and rage and hurt. She couldn't have left him, Clementine just helps focus her.

Risking her means of protection for a moment, Michonne puts down her blade so that she can heft the body over her shoulder. She can feel the liquid and wet parts of him against her back, causing her to bite back vomit. Not because of what it is but because of whose life is pouring out and onto her.

Crouching, she picks up her blade; katana in one hand, holding onto Louis' body with the other. "We're going to the ballroom. I'll go ahead, clear a path for you." She can do this, she has to. She can't let something happen to Clementine, too.

"Let me go ahead. I'm slower. I'll fall behind otherwise. I can clear a path." She's slower by a fucking lot, and this is why she hid away so she wouldn't put anyone else in danger. So she wouldn't put Michonne in danger, so she wouldn't put anyone she loves in danger. She doesn't look at his body yet.

She can't.

"Just keep hold of him," Clementine says as she grips harder to the gun, and she moves. She fires another shot of this raw damaging energy into the crowd of aliens.

She is slower, far slower. She can't run when she needs to run, and it threatens to make her cry right now when she can't afford to. If she's the reason Michonne dies too, she can't-- She's going to be sick.

She breathes in again, breathes out, stepping forward with her crutches, pushing herself to keep going- keep moving. Ballroom.

Keep moving forward. Keep moving forward. AJ isn't here, but she can hear his voice in her head nonetheless like he said to her that day after she first got bit. "Keep.- Keep moving forward."

There's a knot, deeply balled in Michonne's chest; if she loses Clementine too, if she has to put her down, she doesn't know if she can do it.

Not again.

She does everything she can, staying close behind Clem and cutting down aliens, and then she can see the ballroom, can see a few including Claire's husband fighting.

"Almost, Clementine. Almost," Michonne calls out to her, trying to get her to keep going, encouraging her.

Clementine nods, gritting her teeth, locking her jaw tight. Sweat down her forehead as she pushes forward, but she doesn't want to use the overpowered gun anymore. Not with people ahead. Everything hurts, every inch of her is sore, and she doesn't give a shit. She needs to get Michonne there before something happens to her too.

She switches to the revolver, taking carefully aimed shots at the rest of the aliens heads, watching them drop. Her hands grip to the crutches.

"Yeah, it's right there."

Once they stumble through the doors, Michonne finds an unoccupied corner and slowly, carefully, lowers Louis down. Then, she simply falls beside him, breathing heavily with her back against the wall before looking at Clementine.

"Are you hurt?"

Clementine is breathless as they make it through the doors, as they head to the corner. She stares at the body of Louis. She stares and stares, and she swallows thickly. The question barely registers until it does. She doesn't look at Michonne. She stops looking at the body.

"...no."

She sets the crutches aside, using the wall to slide down on to the floor beside- beside his body.

"Are you?"

Everything hurts, but not in the way Clementine thinks. Or maybe she knows exactly. She might be the only one here who does.

"No."

She moves now, to the other side of his body, reaching out to press a hand to his forehead as she closes her eyes. Then she gets up, going to find something to cover him with. When she does, she covers him up to his neck and then sinks down again, resting a hand on Clementine's back.

She should have gone to them first, brought them here. She took for granted that they knew how to fight, knew how to survive.

What kind of mother is she, really?

Clementine doesn't move from her spot, but she does pull her gaze away from the emptiness- from where he used to be. She swallows then, locking her jaw, forcing her breath to even out.

Attempting to but failing. Her breath is too shaky. Her hands slide into fists.

"I meant it when I said it was my fault."

Clementine isn't one to feel guilty unless there's good enough reason to, unless she really did have a hand in something to feel guilty about. She is very aware of her own actions, aware of what she is capable of, aware of the costs it can have. She tries to weigh these choices, but she can't always anticipate it all.

"When I heard it was a dangerous Event, I packed a bag, I hid. For days. I told him not to look for me, but-" Her voice cuts off, and she turns away from- from his corpse, suppressing a shudder at this constant realization (this tremor, this reminder that he's not there anymore, he's gone, he's gone. ) "He said he wouldn't stop, and I didn't listen."

Michonne listens, forehead furrowing as she frowns.

"You had your reasons for hiding and not letting him know where you were?"

It isn't an accusation, and her voice is no higher than a quiet conversation. She knows so much has changed for Clementine, and Michonne wants to--needs to--understand.

Clementine breathes in and then breathes out again, letting the question hang there for a moment before she can find the words to reply. There's something almost bitter in it. She doesn't let herself look away from where his body remains covered up. Bile twisting around in her stomach.

"I didn't want him to get hurt or killed, because he was too busy trying to take care of me or keep me safe."

Instead of himself. She's aware of the irony. Her actions to protect him did exactly the opposite.

"It's always gonna be that way. When it's someone you love."

That's just the way it is.

"I didn't learn that at first, either."

And Andrea died for it. Maybe it's a lesson they all have to learn in some way, at some point, as they go through the world they live in now. Reaching out, her hand presses against Clementine's back, a gesture of comfort and love.

"It isn't your fault. But now you know."

Now she knows how far Louis would go for her, and at least here, he'll get another chance at life. Real life.

"I'm not going remember this lesson back in our world."

Clementine will forget all over again that she can't stop this, and of course, it's one she already should have learned. AJ refused to leave her side in the end. He wanted to die with her over the alternative.

Many people have died because of her, because they loved her.

How is she supposed to do anything but try to prevent that from happening? How is she supposed to live with knowing that she won't ever be able to?

Her eyes close, and she breathes out again (through this tidal wave attempting to break open her rib cage from within). Her hands are fists.

"It's one I should have learned a long time ago."

"Hey. Listen to me."

Michonne swallows and lays down her katana, reaching for Clementine until her hands are on her shoulders and they're looking eye to eye.

"You're right, you won't. And part of it? Part of it is growing up young in a fucked up world. But you will learn. Not just the bad shit, I promise." There's a hint of desperation in her eyes; Judith is growing up in this world and one day she might be on her own, it's unavoidable to think about, to plan for. All Michonne can home is that with age comes wisdom.

"I thought I was protecting everyone by being alone. Took me a lot of years to learn it, and when I had to, I was a lot older than you are now. You'll get there before me. Every generation always does it a little bit sooner. You'll get it. I know this doesn't mean shit to you right now, but it's true."

It has to be true.

Clementine closes her eyes as Michonne's hands rest against her shoulders. She's been doing a good job of holding it together (compartmentalizing, putting it all on a shelf). Those hands rest on her shoulders, and some of her hardened edges and resolve begins to shake.

"When I was alone, I thought I was protecting myself, protecting other people too, but-"

She was so tired of losing everyone again and again, and Louis dying in their world, dying because of her- It makes her feel so sick. Her eyes burn more, and she wipes at her face as a tear slips down.

"I don't want to be alone again, but I don't want this. I can't-"

There are no easy answers for this though, and she doesn't need them. Michonne's presence and love of Louis and shared grief is enough, more than enough. So she leans forward briefly, rests her forehead against Michonne's shoulder, focusing on breathing instead of the overwhelming storm of pain, letting herself have this moment of vulnerability. ♩

All that Michonne can do is hold her, arms wrapping around Clementine's frame and letting a hand hold onto the back of her head. It isn't fair, it never would be. Not their world and what it does to them, not here and what it puts them through.

So, she's here, she can do this, at least.

Christ, her kids. Dead and destroyed respectively, and all she can do is hold Clem until the chaos is too loud outside and she needs to go back into the fight, to try and save others from death. But she stays for now, arms secure around Clementine.

+ It's All About Balance +

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