entrancelogs | Maybe I could win this time?

Entry tags:

Maybe I could win this time?

Who:

bufudynes
Where: And open space in the Court Yard
When: Tuesday, June 14th
Rating: PG-13 for ~~Shinji's mouth~~ cursing and references to drug use
Summary: Mitsuru offered to help Shinjiro learn to control his Persona. He actually agreed. The key word here is "Try".
The Story:

When Mitsuru had told him when and where to meet her in the courtyard, he almost hesitated. He'd almost told her to just forget it. The withdrawals had become worse rather than better, and as the sleepless night had started piling up, he'd started hearing Masky's haunted and haunting voice. Take more. Will help. He still refused to listen. It would help, he knew that, and the closet seemed to call for him to just get more, to just make it all go away. It would. It would be easy.

But Shinjiro wasn't easy. If everything that had happened to him in his life has taught him anything, it was that nothing was that easy. If don't, will hurt. Forever. Know. Creepy motherfucker. "Get out of my head," he muttered as he made his way to the courtyard. As it was, he was going to be late. Maybe she wouldn't notice how pale he was.

He doubted it.

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When Mitsuru had suggested that she might be able to help him learn to control his Persona she had expected him to scoff and refuse her offer; she'd been somewhat shocked when he'd actually agreed to it. Still, a part of her wondered if he'd actually show up or if he'd leave her waiting out here alone, looking like an idiot.

Even if he did show up, she wasn't certain what to expect; they hadn't spent much time alone together and she certainly hadn't been aware of the fact that he was still taking the Suppressants. Had he stopped them by now? Or was he still on them? She didn't know and she didn't know if it was even any of her business in the first place.

As he approached the courtyard she shifted her stance awkwardly and forced a small smile. The closer he got, the more apparent it became that something was wrong with him, she just wasn't certain what.

"Shinjiro."

His hands were still shoved deep into his pockets and he nodded a response to her. "Hey." He still didn't know what he hoped to accomplish by being here. He didn't know how to learn focus, and he sure and hell didn't know how focus was going to help him control Castor anymore than the tenuous hold he had on the Persona at the moment.

Still, he said he was going to try, and that's exactly what he was going to do. His hand touched the cold metal of the Evoker in his pocket and he swallowed. He was not ready to use that thing without the Suppressants.

She frowned at him as she looked him over, he looked pale and nervous and that left her uncertain about what to say. Silence lingered as she shifted awkwardly, placing her arms around herself and continuing to frown.

"You don't look well." It was such a lame thing to say but it was all she could think of to say.

"Thanks. Nice to see you too." He gave her the faintest of smiles, then gave a look around the area. It was open enough...he hoped, but he still wasn't too sure about this place.

"So, now what?"

She hesitated before speaking again. "Is there anything I should know before we begin this?" It was a subtle, and probably not very good, way for her to ask about the suppressants and how he was doing.

Sure, there were plenty of things she should know. He felt like he couldn't do this, like it was never something he could do in the first place, like it was something he'd never be able to do again. He felt like his insides were twisting into themselves, and like he was starving, but couldn't eat anything. He felt cold and hot at the same time.

But that was probably just the absence of the drugs in his system. He heaved a sigh. "I feel like shit, but I'll be alright...if we're careful."

Again, she hesitated, she wasn't sure how to proceed with this at all, or what she should say at all. Why was she so horrid at things like this?

"Is there a reason for that?"

What? It wasn't obvious enough for her? He looked down. "'Cause I ain't had that shit for a week."

"You...haven't...?" She hadn't expected him to say that, in fact it was one of the last things she'd expected; but it gave her hope. If he was willing to make that step on his own then things could be okay.

He shook his head gently. "Nope." But he'd really rather not talk about that. "So, focus, right?"

She smiled. "I'm proud of you, Shinjiro. For taking that step on your own." Picking up on the cues of others wasn't exactly something Mitsuru was great at, so she didn't actually notice that he was trying to move the subject away.

She nodded at his statement. "Correct. Focus and strength of will. Our Persona are a part of us, which means in order to control them, we have to be in complete control of ourselves."

He waved a hand dismissively at the first. He seriously didn't want to think about it. If he didn't then it made not asking the closet for more a little easier.

"I wanna control it, so strength of will I got. So, what about the focus thing?"

She nodded, finally getting the hint that he didn't wish to talk about that.

"Strength of will requires more than simply wanting to control it." She paused to think about how to phrase the next bit. "You need to learn to control yourself better first, to focus in on something and be able to keep your head."

He scoffed. She made it sound so easy, like it was something everyone should know how to do. He shook his head. He didn't even know why he was here.

"So, what do I do?"

She paused for a moment as she thought of something that she could tell him that could help. "Have you ever attempted mediation before?"

He blinked at her. "Uh. No."

"It might be a good thing for you to try. It would help you to learn to focus in and to calm yourself." Which were two things that Shinjiro, of all people, needed to learn.

"Uh huh. You gonna tell me how to do this, or do I get to figure that out on my own?" He crossed his arms. He'd gone in to this expecting, well, he didn't really know what he'd been expecting.

Well, he'd been expecting her to teach him but...maybe it wasn't something that could be taught.

She gave him an incredulous look. "Of course I am going to teach you, I would not be doing much in the way of helping if I simply said you should try this and left you."

He released the breath he didn't know he was holding, betraying exactly how nervous he was about this whole thing. "Good."

She frowned. "There's no reason for you to be nervous, Shinjiro."

He laughed at that, a sick, dejected sound. "My Persona like to tear shit down on topa people and I ain't got a reason to be nervous?"

The laugh caused her to wince visibly and she looked down. "Shinjiro..." She sighed, what was she supposed to say to that? "You weren't the only one at fault."

He shook his head. "We gonna go round in circles about this too, or are we gonna get down to business?" He didn't feel they were responsible at all. It was his Persona, his head, his fuck up, not theirs.

She sighed and ran a hand through her hair, she should have expected that response. "At times you are beyond frustrating." She paused and then looked around, there was nobody there and it didn't look like anyone would disturb them, so she simply sat down right there in the dirt. "Fine. Sit."

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