entrancelogs | I'm scared that everyone is out to get me

Current Mood: nervous

Entry tags:

I'm scared that everyone is out to get me | Closed

Who: James Potter [

pottershotter] and Peter Pettigrew [

rattus_rattus]
Where: James' room (Seventh Floor, Room 1)
When: Tuesday, 7/1/14, later in the day.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: James can't let this go on any longer. It's time. He needs to fill Peter in on what he, Lily, and easily half the mansion already know about their supposed future before someone else does it for him.
The Story:

Wormtail!

We really ought to get you a wand, mate - come by my room and we'll give the closets a try, alright? Worst they can do is nothing (or give you a rubbish wand, I suppose).

Plus, there's something else I've got to talk to you about anyhow. Something important.

- Prongs

James stares at the parchment in his hands. He's read it so many times that words have stopped being words, no matter how nice his handwriting is. It's his fourth draft, but he's sick of looking at it and doesn't really want to write a fifth. This is it. It's as good as it's getting, and now he's just stalling.

Honestly, he wishes he could get away with never having this conversation. But earlier he had spoken to Brittany, and when he thought for a moment that Peter had heard the news his stomach turned. It would be infinitely worse if Peter heard it from someone other than himself, and the longer he waited, the more likely it would be that someone else would let it slip.

He takes a deep breath, and reads it once more. Maybe twice. But then he makes himself get up after that, and heads out into the hall. Before he can talk himself out of it he charms the note to stick to Peter's door. He knocks loudly on Peter's door and then swiftly retreats back into his room. Either Peter's in his room and will come out and see the note immediately, or he's out and he'll see it when he comes back. Whether it's two minutes or two hours though, the wait is going to be agonizing, and James flops backwards onto his bed with a heavy sigh.

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The note on Peter's door is the first thing he notices when he returns from walking Frodo. He loves having a dog and this one seemed to be all of his dream pets rolled into one. His spirits are high, then, when he takes the letter from the door and reads it, letting the chocolate lab into his room to make himself at home.

James wants to talk. Well, that wasn't anything out of the ordinary. Peter really needed to find himself a wand. Acting like a muggle was starting to grate on his nerves. He really didn't understand how anyone lived without magic. James would help him in that regard, Peter was certain. He wouldn't be wandless for long with James' help.

It's the last part the puzzles Peter. What could be that important? Unless something happened that Peter wasn't aware of. Did James need puppy help? No, Peter figured that if James had a pet he would be perfectly capable of it. Then what-

He suddenly remembers the video Brittany posted asking to speak to James. Maybe she said something about the way he went mental and completely messed everything up. Did he offend her enough that she had to go rushing to James? Could that be what was so important?

Peter bit his lower lip in worry. He certainly hopes that's not the case. Well, whatever it may be, Peter isn't going to procrastinate. He pats Frodo on the head and reassures the spirited puppy he'll return shortly. He walks a few doors down and knocks on James' room, uncertainty gnawing at his belly.

When James answers the door, he makes certain to greet Peter with a wide smile, though deep down something feels a bit too rehearsed about it. Or at least James thinks so, but perhaps he's over-thinking it.

"Peter! Glad you made it!" he says, as he ushers him into his room.

It wouldn't be quite right to call it a perfect replica of Gryffindor Tower, but the idea is there. Everything is very red, with lots of gods accents, and the bed is a four-poster with a red canopy and a trunk at the foot of it, much like the ones in their dorm. It's cozy, and it's lit with bright floating candles rather than the electric lights of the rest of the mansion (though he never did figure out how to get those strange holes out of the wall). Most of the room is clean, but there's a desk in the corner with piles and piles of books and parchment on it. Since his mirror can't be removed, it's covered by a red tapestry.

"So, right. Wand. We've got to get you a wand," James says, leading him over to the closet. "Not every event's going to be floods of pups, and we never really know what's coming so...we should probably get you something before the next one comes. Plus you've got be be sick of living like that, right?"

James was effectively a Muggle for all of four days during the event and it was awful. He can't imagine not having his wand with him. Sure, there's some magic he can do wandlessly, but not nearly enough to get away with not having a wand at all. Plus, he still can't bring himself to launch into everything else immediately.

"I haven't actually tried to get a wand out of these before, but it's worth a try, right? I don't think it'll give you yours, but maybe it'll give you something." And something's better than nothing, right?

James' room makes Peter grin brightly. It's like going home to Hogwarts which is what Peter desperately wants to do. He misses the castle and all of it's quirks. No other place felt like a home to him and even though he only has a few months left, he still wants to have them at the castle.

The closets are strange. Peter really hasn't gotten the handle on his own. He asks for things and he gets them but not in the way that he wanted to begin with. He tried to ask for a magic wand but maybe he wasn't concentrating hard enough because all that it came back with was some sort of stick with a star at the end that was covered in sparkles. It was nothing like his Ollivander's wand and he tried a simple levitating spell and nothing worked.

"I don't know how muggles stand it," Peter agrees with a nod. He doesn't notice anything odd about James' overly shiny smile. Then again, he usually is just happen to be in James' presence however he can get it. And he doesn't seem angry so maybe Brittany didn't say anything weird to him. That would be a relief. Peter could focus on getting a wand - it was much easier than talking about anything else.

"If you can get this closet to give me something useful, I'd call that magic," Peter sighed. "I tried. I think it gave me a kids toy. But when do I ever get things right on the first try?"

It really is easier than talking about any of the other things they need to talk about. It feels a bit like procrastinating, and maybe it is, but the whole situation needs to be treated with care. It's better than just throwing it all at him.

"C'mon, don't be like that," James says, clapping his hand against Peter's back. "The closets are fickle. Maybe it'll work this time! Or maybe you just need someone cheering you on."

Or maybe it's a little ridiculous and James shouldn't have assumed Peter hadn't tried already. But he's not about to say so now - Peter could use a bit more optimism anyway. James moves past him to sit on the edge of the bed.

"Go on! Give it another try!"

He grins and gives Peter a drum roll (using his knees as drums) to try and build him up. Sadly though, James is musically challenged so it's not a very good drum roll, but it's the thought that counts.

Edited 2014-07-02 23:32 (UTC)

Peter laughs and shakes his head when James starts the drum roll but it does lift his spirits. James is always good at taking Peter's self depreciation and turning it on its head, making Peter feel confident. He takes a deep breath and stands in front of the closet door, his hand on the handle. He has to visualize what he wants - it's just like magic - and ask for it without any doubt.

"A wand," he whispers to himself, needing a word to focus his energy on. Peter was never good at wandless magic for a reason - his focus is shite. He pictures his own wand - chestnut and dragons heartstring. He cherishes his wand and the moment in Ollivander's when the wand chose him. He tries to keep the picture in his mind but the worries begin to pop up, the doubting that this would even work coloring his magic.

Peter grits his teeth together and opens the door before anything else can distract him. At first he doesn't see anything but at the bottom of the chest is a crude wand. He bends down and picks it up, staring at it suspiciously.

"Do you think it really worked?"

After Peter told him he'd gotten a toy wand the first time, James honestly wasn't sure if this would work. But he'd cheered him on anyway and...and now there's a wand in Peter's hand, and it certainly looks real. James scrambles back up to his feet to get a better look, craning over Peter's shoulder.

He knows even at a glance that it's not Peter's wand from home. James has tried to get enough objects from home from the closets that he knows it doesn't work like that anyhow. But it's definitely a wand, which means you actually can get a wand from the closets. If it works, at least.

"...Only one way to find out," he says, taking a couple of steps back. "Test it! See if it does anything."

It's not so much that he doesn't trust Peter, but he'd rather not be right next to the wand if it backfires. He's going to feel a little ridiculous if it doesn't do anything, but it's probably better to be overly cautious in this case.

"How does it feel? Is it alright?"

Peter turns the wand around in his hands before grasping it with his right. He feels a small vibration travel through the wand and for a moment he thought that perhaps he had lucked out. Maybe he had actually summoned a useable wand. But that was when everything went wrong.

The end of the wand burst into a large spray of colored sparks. It was as if someone had let off a load of Exploding Snaps at one time. The sparks changed to small bits of colored papers and they rained down on Peter as if mocking him for even trying to get his wand.

"Brilliant," Peter frowned. "I've another joke wand. It really feels as though someone is taking the piss out of me. What am I going to do? I don't want to learn to be a muggle. I guess I better start studying wandless magic if I'm to do anything."

James really, genuinely feels bad for Peter when it (very literally) explodes on him. It had actually looked sort of impressive, but it obviously wasn't what he'd been trying to do, which sort of puts a damper on things.

"It's a step up from a toy, at least?" James tries, but no - it's still not a good situation. "Maybe it's like Ollivander's, and you have to keep trying until you get something that isn't awful?"

That doesn't feel quite right either though. Wonderland can be convenient at times, but not that convenient. The odds that it will give Peter a wand he can actually use seem fairly slim. At best, he'll get a wand he can only barely works, and that won't do him any good. He looks down at the sad wand and frowns a bit.

"...There's one other way," he says. "I wouldn't recommend it though, not unless there's really no other option, but...the vendors outside might have wands. You might be able to get one there, but everything they sell comes at a steep price."

It's a price high enough that it might actually be worth attempting to teach Peter to do all of his magic wandlessly, if it means avoiding the vendors. Or at least, James thinks so.

"I don't have any money with me," Peter says, shrugging his shoulders as he sits in the chair by James' desk. He doesn't quite understand what James means by 'steep price'. To him, everything comes down to money and seeing as he doesn't have any, it's a moot point. "So I guess it really doesn't matter. Maybe I'll learn wandless magic. Maybe I won't. I guess it's too late to worry about now."

He's trying to brush off the disappointment of being left indefinitely without a wand. It's not as though it's James' fault that he doesn't have it. It's his own stupidity, after all.

"Thanks for trying, though," Peter says with a smile. "Maybe if I try again I'll get one that works. Or at least, one that doesn't explode when I pick it up."

"The not-exploding kind is definitely preferred," he says, mustering up a small laugh.

He debates not telling Peter at all, since he seems so certain that he wouldn't be able to pay for it anyway. It would be an easy out, but it's just like all of the other things he needs to tell Peter about - if James doesn't tell him, someone else will eventually. And maybe if he tells him himself, he can emphasize the importance of not spending frivolously at the vendors.

"Well...they don't charge money, exactly," he says. "They wouldn't be able to with everyone from so many different places, I think. But when you buy something from them..."

He taps at his temple with his finger. "They take a memory away from you. Possibly forever."

Peter looks horrified and he shakes his head. The thought of losing a memory sends shivers up his spine. Even the horrible memories are ones Peter wants to keep. He doesn't want to think about them, of course, but at least they were his to own. If he gave away his memories it would be as if he was selling a part of himself - that someone would own him. It's too grotesque and no matter how much Peter wants a wand, he isn't willing to do that.

"No," Peter says, shaking his head. "I'll be a bloody muggle before I let someone take a memory from me. I'll get a working wand yet. If I could learn to be an animagus, then I can learn to get a damned wand without giving up a memory. Who would do that, anyway? I can't imagine anything that would make me even consider selling a memory. That person would have to be mental."

That was the reaction James had been hoping for...mostly. Once Peter gets going though, James gets more and more uncomfortable, and eventually he bites at his lower lip and slowly raises his hand.

"I've always been a bit mental though," he says, trying to laugh it off. "Err, at the time Remus had been here. And he was..."

Older. Sadder. More miserable than he'd ever seen Remus. But, he saves that description for now and just sticks with the basic story.

"...There was something I needed to give him," he skips ahead, letting the previous thought trail off. "Something I wanted to give him, I mean. He would've told me off himself if he knew that's how I got it. And in my defense I didn't know that's what it would cost me, but it felt necessary at the time."

He lets that hang sort of awkwardly between them, for a moment. James still isn't sure what he sold off to the vendors for that potion, but he feels like it puts a strange distance between them, that there's something that Peter can probably remember that James can't. There are a few of those somethings, and James knows it.

"I don't regret doing it, but I wouldn't do it again. And I wouldn't recommend anyone else do it either. Not unless they really had to."

Peter felt as if he'd been hit in the gut. Merlin, he was so stupid to just blurt out that anyone would have to be mad to sell a memory because of course James would have done it if it was really important. Peter had to just go and insult his best friend. What a stupid arse.

"I didn't mean you," Peter said quickly. "If Remus needed something and that was the only way you could get it then that makes sense. I guess, if I was in trouble and I needed my wand then a memory wouldn't be so bad. It's not as if you really remember what the memory was in the first place so it's a bit difficult to miss. I wasn't calling you mental, James. I would never do that. You're not, you know. Mental, I mean. Well, I guess you can be sometimes but most of the time you're just... brilliant."

Peter laughed a bit awkwardly, trying to stop himself from talking. Once he started he just couldn't stop himself. Saying that James was brilliant reminded him too much of his conversation with Brittany and wasn't that why they were there in the first place? She had needed to talk to James privately. What else could it have been about then how much of an utter prat Peter was?

"Um, look, that really important thing you wanted to talk about?" Peter said, rubbing his forehead nervously. "I think I can guess what it is. And I just want you to know that I didn't mean it. I mean, it was hot and I said somethings that she just took the entirely wrong way. I plan on contacting her, really, I am but I don't think she's interested in me. Not like that's the first time, right?"

"Peter, relax," James says, laughing a bit and placing a hand on his shoulder. "It's fine; you didn't know. How could you have known? I hadn't said anything and it does sound mental."

All the good cheer immediately fades from his face when Peter speaks again, and he can feel his insides trying to tie themselves together. But as he goes on and it becomes more and more apparent that they aren't talking about the same thing, James eases.

"What, Brittany?" he asks. "No, no, it wasn't that. It was something else, but I wouldn't say she's not interested. And I would definitely contact her - she got in touch with me because she thinks you're angry with her. I dunno what happened, but I wouldn't say all's lost there - she probably wouldn't have bothered if she didn't want anything to do with you, right? It'll probably be fine if you just go apologize to her."

It doesn't sound like James has heard anything strange otherwise, or at least nothing he thought was strange. He's not looking at Peter any differently, just the way he always looks at him when his attempts to set Peter up with a girl fail completely.

Well...except for one thing. James rubs at the back of his neck and looks at him awkwardly.

"Sorry for pushing you, by the way. And for leaving you there," he says. "I should've stuck around at least."

Edited 2014-07-04 00:59 (UTC)

Peter is relieved that Brittany didn't say anything about him liking James. That was an issue he really didn't want to get into with Brittany or James or anyone, really. He was not going to entertain the thought that he fancied his best friend. Thankfully, he didn't have to worry about it.

"What?" Peter said, wondering what James was on about. "What do you mean? Mate, if you hadn't sent me over to her I never would have done it. You know I don't have the guts to talk to girls on my own. Don't apologize for that. I need a bit of prodding or else I'm likely to get too scared. Sometimes I wonder why the Sorting Hat put me into Gryffindor at all. I don't seem to have many Gryffindor qualities."

James has never been the type of person to dwell in self-doubt once the situation has already been explained. Peter's words are enough, and he accepts them at face value. He doesn't seem angry, and that's enough for him. Except, what had he been angry with Brittany about then? Or maybe he was just over it now? James shrugs.

"Just wanted to make sure," he says, already smiling again. "And you've got plenty of Gryffindor qualities! You just let your head get in the way, that's all."

This conversation is just a reminder of why he really asked Peter to come to his room though, and he grows serious again. He's still not sure how it should be said exactly, but...he has to, before the chance slips away from him.

"But err, no. It wasn't about that. It's got nothing to do with Brittany, actually," he says. But then he hesitates. "...No, it's, err. It's something I should've said from the start, but you'd just gotten here and this place is a lot to take in at once. But...it's been long enough. It doesn't feel right waiting any longer. It feels like I've been keeping a secret, and I never meant to. You deserve to know, and you deserve to hear it from me, and not from stranger here."

Peter turned his head to the side, curious about what James is talking about. What sort of secret? And why would a stranger be able to tell him about it rather than his best friend? It doesn't make sense and Peter inches forward, although James' behavior makes him not really want to know.

"If everyone knows then it's not much of a secret," Peter says, trying to brush the conversation aside. "And if it's that important... maybe it should stay a secret? I mean, there are some things that I know that I haven't said much about. Not because it's really a secret but more because I'm afraid it will hurt you. So, why don't we just agree that maybe some information just shouldn't be said."

James had been ready to launch into an insistence that no, he needed to tell him this and it was important and that it wasn't right not to tell him, but...he stops. And he stares.

There's something Peter hasn't told him.

He wasn't expecting Peter to have been hiding something too, but that was the whole problem wasn't it? He never expects anything like that from Peter, and it might get him killed one day. He can't even imagine what Peter would have to tell him that might hurt him. He remembers those books and they don't have much detail, but there's one possibility that rises to the surface and it makes him sick to think about it.

"...No, I think I really want to know now. What haven't you told me? " he asks. "Go ahead. You first."

Whatever was so urgently important for James to tell Peter about is easily set aside. He doesn't want to be accusatory, really, but...it's hard not to be, knowing what he knows and knowing there's something Peter isn't telling him. He says it's not a secret, but it sure as hell feels like one.

Peter swallows hard. He hadn't meant to say that and it wasn't until the words were already out of his mouth that he realized his mistake. James is so serious all of a sudden that he can't look his mate in the eyes. He looks down at his hands, a large knot suddenly forming in his stomach.

"I shouldn't... I mean, it's not... Look, I didn't say anything because there really isn't anything you can do about it. And the you that's at home is already dealing with it and... it's been three years, and I just thought..."

He's stalling for time, trying to come up with the easiest way to say this. Peter glances up at James and he's startled by the look on his friend's face. It's intense and almost... scared. But how could James even guess... unless he already suspected.

"Things are different at home. When I left you were talking to Professor Dumbledore about getting permission to go home for a few weeks mid-term. I think you wanted to bring Sirius along with you."

Peter bites his lip before continuing. "It's your mum, James. She's... she'd not doing well. I think your da wanted you to come home because... she's dying."

It takes a considerable amount of restraint not to interrupt Peter's stammering every five seconds, even though he wants to shake him and shout at him to just spit it out already and tell him. He feels like he knows what he's going to say, and he can't stand the wait any longer. Of course things are different at home; there's a bloody war going on!

But then it takes a different turn, and James' face pales. He'd been so prepared for one horrible answer and instead another was slapped in his face.

"...She's dying?"

He knows he shouldn't be shocked. He knows both of his parents are going to die at some point before he does, because Harry winds up living with the Dursleys. But he imagined that he'd have more time with them both, that they would both make it to his wedding, that he wouldn't be going home mid-term for his mother's funeral. And worst of all, if they knew it was coming ahead of time...then it had to be an illness. In some respects that was good, because it meant the more vicious parts of the war hadn't struck his family, but...it meant that even if they left Wonderland remembering, it wasn't something they could change. She would still get sick while he was away at school. She would still...

James needs to sit. He plops himself on the edge of his bed and rubs at his eyes from underneath his glasses, pushing them up awkwardly. Then he slowly drags that hand back down his face, covering his mouth, and his frames settle back on his nose. He's not crying. He looks like he might at any second, but he's not - he'll save that for later, when he remembers this again once Peter's gone. He breathes deep, takes his hand away.

"No, I...Sorry. I can see why you didn't," he says, babbling a little to start. "But I'd rather know than not know so...well. Now I know."

He pauses, unsure where to take that thought for a moment. It dawns on him that two minutes ago, he thought Peter was going to confess to something much worse, and it actually makes his stomach turn to know he'd doubt him, that he thought it would have been anything other than this.

"Thank you for telling me," he says, finally. "I...Lily's from my time, and I don't think anyone else would know, so. You're the only one who could've. ...So, thanks Peter."

Peter can't stand to see James so upset. It's painful to watch, mostly because Peter can never picture James being anything but upbeat, adventurous, and joyful. Of course, being told your mum was going to die wasn't something anyone should take without shock and sadness. Even he had to admit that if someone told Peter his Mum was going to die in a place that he had no control over he would be sad. Not as sad as James was at this moment, he thinks but still, he'd feel bad.

He walks over to where James is sitting and puts his arms around his mate's shoulders, offering him some comfort. "I'm not the one who should tell you these things," he says. "I'm sure Sirius or Remus would have been better at it. I'm sorry."

It almost feels like he's apologizing for not being someone else, that it would have been better coming from someone more important. But he doesn't elaborate, choosing to keep his mouth shut and hug his friend then to prattle on. Sometimes silence was the better option.

As soon as Peter hugs him, James latches right on and hugs him back, leaning hard against him. He might not be crying, but he's easily one of the most physically affectionate of the four of them. It's exactly the kind of comfort he needs, and it doesn't require any words at all.

And he stays like that for a moment. Quiet, obviously thinking a little too much. Eventually Peter's words hit his ears (though it's a moment or two later) and a short, weak laugh sneaks out of him. He finally lets go.

"Peter, it's fine. I mean, you did fine," he corrects, because the situation is very obviously not fine in any way. "You've got nothing to apologize for."

Peter returns the tight hug, doing his best to ignore his pulse pounding in his ears. This is James and he's upset and he really shouldn't be enjoying the embrace more than what was appropriate for the emotion at the time. He's comforting his best friend, for Merlin's sake! He needs to get a grip.

"I know," he says weakly in return. He knows 'sorry' is not what you should say when breaking the news of a sick and dying loved one. There are words you do say, words that comfort and don't sound petty or hollow but Peter can't think of those words. The only ones he can conjure up are 'sorry' and 'look on the bright side...' and really, what bright side is there? Three years James has been separated from anyone and then to hear that when he returns the clock will start ticking - there aren't enough words to comfort or console.

"Are you ok?" he asks, needing to fill the silence with something.

"...I'll be alright."

James pulls away and breathes. He isn't alright, but he'll be alright. Eventually. Maybe once it sinks in a bit more. He still looks sad, but not quite like he's going to fall apart at the seams at any moment.

"I mean it. I'm glad you told me." It occurs to him that it might have seemed strange to Peter when he first said it, when he'd been struggling for something to say. "It goes against everything we know about this place but...me and Lily want to remember everything we've learned in Wonderland when we go home. And when I leave, I'm going back home for the rest of my summer, and...well. I'll know to make the most of it, I suppose."

He can't say he knows much about what's going to happen in seventh year, but...if his mother does fall ill suddenly, James is sure he'll find himself wishing he'd spent more time with her. Now, maybe he can before it's too late.

"I hope that you do remember," Peter replied with a small smile. "I hope that you go home soon and that you remember all of this because forgetting is probably the scariest part about being here. Everyone says that we'll go back to the same point that we left and go on as if nothing happened. But it did happen and there are things here that maybe I want to remember, like being here with you."

He didn't elaborate, choosing not to go on and say why he rather likes the way things are now. Without Sirius and Remus there isn't anyone to compete for James' attention. He's his best mate, single, the only one. Sure, there's Lily but Peter can handle that as long as James doesn't completely forget him. It's something he'll miss when he goes back. The closer they get to summer, the more distant Peter had begun to feel. Here he didn't feel any of that and he was happy for it.

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