entrancelogs | ( closed ) how can we push aside all the bad and make it right

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( closed ) how can we push aside all the bad and make it right

Who: Nico di Angelo & Hazel Levesque.
Where: Hazel's room.
When: August 2nd | evening.
Rating: PG-13.
Summary: There are some things that only family can help make better.
The Story:

[ nothing could have prepared him for his conversation with Percy. every intention he had for it was dashed with no effort at all. he'd set out to apologize accordingly, had intended to own up to the fact that he should have acted differently, that he shouldn't have shut out everyone. and he knows that, despite his selfish inclination of preferring to do that, he's affected more than just himself by doing so.

he owes every possible apology to Hazel. he's failed her as a brother in so many ways, and the reality is that he didn't (still doesn't) know how to navigate being the older sibling. it only really hit home while in that alternate world where it was just them; where all they really had was each other. where Hazel was the big sister and did everything right, where she could have done no wrong in Nico's eyes. she was everything that he should have already been trying to be in the real world. if there's anything he needs to rectify, it's how he's treated her since bringing her back from the Fields.

following his conversation with Percy- apologizing to her takes the back burner, but seeing her comes to the forefront. running from Percy was inevitable, he knew it was as soon as they started talking. but he couldn't have ever predicted how it turned out, what was said, and Nico needs family. real family. not the adopted ones he stumbled upon in the alternate reality, the ones he relied on for the last two weeks.

he needs his sister.

Nico shadow travels to her hallway, rather than directly into her room. he'd rather give her the opportunity to slam the door in his face (he wouldn't blame her). he knocks quietly, shoulders slumping, and every effort is put forth to hold himself there. ]

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[Hazel wasn't even sure why she had come back to her room. Her room was the last place she wanted to be. It was too quiet. Just her...and the mirror. Still covered up; it wasn't as if she had any use for it. She would much rather go back to the stables. Visit Sagitta. Brush his mane, or even take him out for a long--]

[A knock. She glanced up, wondering who that might be. Frank would have announced himself already, so that ruled him out. Slowly, she got up--absently wiping at her eyes, which were dry but slightly red--and crossed the room to open the door a crack.]

Yes? [The bolt kept her from opening it more, but it was enough to recognize the figure standing out in the hallway. The last figure she would have expected to see standing there. Her eyes widened.] Nico?

[ he looks wrecked.

there's no part of him that gives the impression of being alright. slouched over with shaking hands and no eye contact to speak of. the shadows are already bending toward him to whisk him far away from this place. as far as they'll take him before Wonderland forces him to be spit back out again.

but he can't keep running. running isn't going to help this time.

his voice is rough, glass over gravel, cracking before he can get the whole sentence out. ]

I made a mistake.

[One sentence. Four words. That was all it took.]

[In an instant, her mind went blank. Forgetting all about the mirrors...the event...the fact that Nico had hung up on her...even her talk with Percy. Everything would come back to her soon enough, sure, but for a single moment, it was all the fourteen year old girl could do to focus on the fact that he needed her. Regardless of why.]

[The door closed for a fraction of a second. Enough time to slide the chain off its lock so she could open it all the way. Inviting him in would have been the next logical step. Which would require logical thought. Nico didn't need logic. Her instincts screamed at her, telling her to wrap her arms around the boy, pulling him close. Right there in the hallway.]

[So she did.]

It's okay. It'll be okay.

[Maybe if she said the words enough times, one of them would start to believe it.]

[ initially, he doesn't react to being pulled against her, still working on processing everything that happened within the last half hour. but the solid presence, the warmth against his chest, it resets something inside of him to the point where he stops shaking and his breathing evens out again. a physical reset.

once his brain catches up, his arms lock around her, and Nico has to wonder why he ever avoided her in the first place. (fear, he knows.)

he presses his forehead into her shoulder and his breath catches in his throat, the tightness in it making it hard to swallow. because as soon as there's even that brief reassurance, he feels like he might start losing the pieces he's spent so much time meticulously keeping together in the most efficient ways. but he just did the one thing he swore he never would; he told Percy the truth, and there is no bigger mistake he could possibly make, and Nico doesn't know how to make himself okay with it. ]

[Physical contact was something of a strange concept when it came to Hazel. To many--especially those who meet her at a glance--she seemed reserved. Timid. One might even think to call her shy. Proper decorum of her time led to a strong believe in both personal space and ideas as to what might constitute appropriate.]

[Yet, when it came to her friends, there was never any hesitation. Not even in public. She could kiss Percy (on the cheek!) without a single hint of blush. Run her fingers up and down Frank's bicep as a way of calming him down. And she could hold onto Nico as if afraid the smallest amount of leeway would give him reason to disappear on her again. Which...well, it wasn't completely impossible.]

[It'll be okay.]

[A promise she had absolutely no business making. She didn't even know what happened. Something had to have happened. Something big. Something even worse than whatever he had been going through until now.]

[Did she want to risk asking about it? The last time she had...]

[Except this time, he had come to her. He spoke the words. He returned the embrace like he desperately needed something to cling to. Maybe he did.]

[She had to try.]

Come on. [The last thing in the world she wanted to do was pull away, but it was necessary, if only to lead them both back into her room. Hugs were one thing, but she knew there was a greater chance of him talking if they were truly alone.] We can talk inside.

[Or not.]

[It was entirely up to him.]

[ there is no fuss made about following her back inside; he goes easily, without hesitation. even in this moment, he knows that he has so many things to say to her. that he needs to apologize over, to make up to her. seeing her reminds him of them all, of course it does. still- he knows better than to try and do that, not right now, not when he feels so volatile.

Nico doesn't move much once they're inside, doesn't search out for a place to sit. he simply stands, exists, and even that seems to be a challenge for him. his hands continue to shake and his jacket continues to look too big for his small frame; if possible, he'd likely try to shrink down inside of it, call it his new save haven.

he almost speaks but stops himself before he can even start. because he doesn't know where he should he even begin? ]

Sorry for not warning you. [ about his dropping by, at least. ]

About what?

[It could have been any number of things, and the truth of it was he had knocked. On her door. Which meant that Nico diAngelo had actually come looking to her for...something. The what didn't really matter. What mattered was that she hadn't been the end result of some random mishap in shadow traveling.]

[Contact between the two was partially maintained, as she held his shaking hand in hers and slowly sat down in a nearby chair. He was free to take a seat on the edge of her bed, should he desire to do so, or remain standing. Hazel actually hoped he would go for the bed, because the poor boy looked like his knees would buckle at any moment.]

Nico...what is it? What happened?

[What did you do? was a question she specifically avoided, not wanting to make it sound like she blamed him for anything. A quick, discreet glimpse at the boy, combined with over a year's worth of Camp Jupiter's intensive battle training regime, revealed a lot. It was often instinctive for a demigod to be able to size up a potential 'opponent' in a single instant, but there were times when the ability came in handy for simply reading the other person.]

[Nico was normally the exact opposite of an open book, but right then...for a moment...she could see something far beneath that dark exterior. It scared her. Not a fear of him, but for him. She'd never seen a single person look so miserable.]

Talk to me. Please.

[ truth be told, he's even more scared of telling Hazel than he had been of the outburst with Percy. the results of both had the potential to be devastating, but Hazel was the last family member he had alive. if she wanted nothing to do with him after this- he had trouble fathoming what to do in the event of it.

he opts to lean against the edge of the bed in order to better disperse his weight. part of him is thankful for the presence of her hand in his, though he wonders how quickly she'll withdraw it when he tells her. but he has to, he has to. because if he's told Percy, it's only a matter of time before he (or the mirrors, for that matter) slip up. and she needs to hear it from him, she does.

Nico's fingers loosen around her hand, but he doesn't let go. more allowing more ease to pull away, should she want to. ]

I told Percy how I feel about him. [ he swallows hard and the words feel heavy as lead in his mouth. ] I told him that I like him. And that I have since we were kids. [ and Nico can't look at her, he can't, because the unpredictability of the situation is enough without seeing the look on her face in the wake of his confession. ]

[In hindsight, she should have known. Maybe part of her did, but she had spent so much of her time worrying. Speculating. The realization of actually being right was startling enough to still catch her off-guard.]

Then it wasn't just the Event.

[Her voice was gentle. Far more resolved than accusing or disgusted. Her eyes showed nothing but sadness...but not for the reason that Nico might have suspected.]

[Just as she had talked with Frank, the era she and her brother grew up in...times had been different. So different. Prejudice had risen within the last decade, and where as the 1920s had been an era were gay men were not only tolerated, but even openly accepted, the 1930s were far less kind. Homosexuality...interracial couples...in the South, in particular, they were downright illegal. And would remain so until 1967, a date neither of them would be around to see.]

[None of that had ever mattered to Hazel, of course. She had been far too busy being bullied for other things. Her mother. Her curse. And by the time she had met Frank...she simply never learned to care. People fell for who they fell for, regardless of race or gender.]

[No, it wasn't the thought of Nico being gay that saddened her; it was the thought of the very act of caring for someone so much causing him pain. And the thought of what Percy must have done to him in return to cause even more pain.]

What did he say? When you told him.

[ he's anticipating something... else. not this. not her kindness, not sadness, he's expecting perhaps the opposite. disgust, revulsion; he's waiting to lose his sister, in a starkly different way than what he had lost Bianca. but, he figures, given what just happened with Percy, getting it over with in one fell swoop is probably better for everyone.

but she doesn't.

she doesn't look angry or upset, doesn't pull away from him, doesn't ask him to leave. he can't tell if his stomach turns from the relief or from what could still come of it. but he'll take it, he'll take this for what it is, and face everything else, every other possibility, when it comes.

her question brings reality back into hyper focus and Nico squeezes her hand in his, if only to bring some level of calm to himself. ]

He didn't. [ say anything, that is. and Nico takes a breath, exhales slow, because of course- ] He didn't say anything because I left before he could. [ Because I ran away again. ]

[His grip was strong; far stronger than one might expect for a boy of his frame. Then again, Hazel's strength was fairly deceptive as well. Physically and otherwise. She held onto him, not once protesting even as the color drained from her knuckles and the tips of her fingers tingled from lack of blood flow.]

You...

[A half-laugh escaped her, laced with irony. She couldn't help herself. It was a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding, afraid she was going to have to go off on Percy for all of this for something he...apparently hadn't even had the chance to do. Because Nico had run away--and though the again hung in the air, for once, she could forgive him because of the circumstances.]

[He was scared. She understood.]

Haven't you been wondering if you're worried about nothing?

[At least, regarding Percy being angry or upset at him.]

[ Nico finally releases her hand after that, because of course. of course he had wondered that sometimes, that maybe the concern was for nothing, that maybe things would be fine.

except that he knew better.

because it would be one thing if he felt this way all on its own. it would be one thing if he had feelings for Percy, or maybe if his romantic feelings had been for someone else of the same gender. it would be something else all on its own if it was just that. but it isn't.

it's his feelings as well as who he is, who his father is. it's who Nico has become and how other people feel around him. it's the fact that people look at him like he's walking garbage, are scared of him because of the death that surrounds him, the feeling of unease.

so maybe it would have been worry for nothing -- if he hadn't been the son of Hades. ]

Maybe if people didn't look at me like I was covered in the blood of their loved ones I'd have considered that. You're the only one that doesn't, Hazel. You know that, don't you?

[Her eyes turned downward for a fleeting moment, eyes glazing over in reminiscent.]

You know I do.

[Maybe not to the degree that Nico felt it. Maybe not even the same people, for the same reason. But it was something she had experienced in both lives too much not to recognize. Or empathize with. First, in New Orleans...and then later, albeit to a lesser degree, at Camp Jupiter. Whether or not Nico knew about the former, he had been there in person for the latter.]

[No matter how badly she wanted to believe things were different for him...she knew it was true. Mostly.]

But...Percy wouldn't do that. [Her eyes returned to his. Hoping to see doubt in them. She and Percy might not share quite the same bond as the Children of Death did, but she cared for him like family all the same. The thought of him turning on Nico...she couldn't even imagine the possibility.] He cares about you too. I'm sure of it.

Edited 2014-08-11 22:08 (UTC)

It doesn't matter if he cares about me, that doesn't mean he's going to be okay with this, Hazel.

[ because he knows how this can work, where the potential to it is. there's the chance that Percy won't care and nothing will change and everything can continue as it was, that maybe he'll even back off a bit about being Nico's friend. but the alternative-

the alternative is that Percy could be disgusted by him, reject even the sight of him, push Nico out of his life entirely. because while Nico may have wanted that before, while part of him still does, there's still that sliver in him that wants to be in Percy's life, to exist in the same spaces that Percy does; that still longs for that friendship.

but friendship means attachment and caring and that's always been a dangerous road to travel down. he's already pulled one person out of the Underworld for selfish reasons, he can't make a habit of it every time something happens to someone he cares about. which means, ultimately, caring about anyone other than Hazel is often shoved away.

the topic of Percy is too new, too fresh, and Nico isn't sure he wants to talk about it anymore. but at the very least- there is one thing he needs to know. ]

Do you- [ how is he even supposed to phrase something like this? ] You don't hate me now, right? Or- Think differently about me? [ because that's always been the bigger fear out of everything -- that this part of him would mean losing Hazel. ]

[Except you never gave him the chance to show you he was. Because Hazel refused to accept any other outcome.]

[In hindsight, she should have expected the question. They were from the same era, holding many of the same...er....values. And they were family. He would have trusted her to be honest with him.]

[And she would be.]

I could never hate you, Nico. [Thinking differently may be another story, but not for the reason he feared. There was no disgust in her eyes. Only sadness.] You're...the only family I have left.

[Her mother was long gone. Their father...let's not get into their father.]

You liking Percy...it's no different than me liking Frank. I promise.

...except you might have Annabeth to deal with now.

[A weak smile appeared as she attempted to lighten the mood with a joke.]

[ when she says that, there's an obvious droop in his shoulders; an ease of stress. because more than anyone else; more than Percy or Mary Margaret or others from home, it had been Hazel he had been the most scared of losing.

he purses his lips for a moment, swallows hard, because he'd been terrified of it, of telling her. that he'd lose her, that she would judge him, hate him. that she would be disgusted or not want to see him again.

it isn't just the fact that she says she could never hate him, that she says he's the only family she has left. it's that she compares it to her and Frank. that his feelings are just as okay, just as valid, and he loves his sister so much in that moment.

(and maybe if the relief hadn't been so impacting, so huge for him, the joke might have settled a little higher.) ]

I was scared I was going to lose you. I was more scared of that than anything else. [ his voice is tight in his throat, but he swallows around the weight. ] That's why I was avoiding you. I was too scared that you would find out and that you wouldn't want me around anymore.

[So many emotions swept over her in that single moment. Far more than might have been expected from one on her end. Relief, on her end, that he was feeling relief. But also surprise. That her reaction seemed to take precedent over even Percy's.]

Why me?

[The question passed through her lips before she could stop herself. On the surface, it made sense. At least, she thought it did. If anybody would have been thought to judge him, it would be her. And that was what Nico seemed to be afraid of most. Judgement.]

[Still...something told her there was more to it than that.]

Because you're more important than anyone else.

[ he states it like a fact, the way he would tell her that the sun was in the sky, that the Earth orbited due to gravity. there's no fanfare to it, no significance put on it, just an easy statement.

but he knows it isn't simple. he knows it isn't obvious. he knows that he's been lacklustre in the sibling department, that he's been absent, inattentive. he knows that he's almost called her Bianca too many times; it never should have even been a problem.

he brought her out of the Underworld because he couldn't find Bianca, he puts her into that replacement spot without even thinking about it, selfishly dragged her out, instead of thinking about Hazel. it gave her a second chance, but had that really been in the forefront of his mind?

Nico reaches for her hand again. ]

I love you more than anything else in this world, Hazel. I would do anything for you, anything at all, if it meant keeping you safe. I'm... bad at this, I'm really bad at being a good brother and I'm sorry that I haven't... been any better about it here. But you- You're so important to me; I don't know what I'd do if I lost you in any capacity.

[She can only stare up at him, lips slightly parted in surprise. His words...whatever she might have anticipated Nico saying to her, this was so far above and beyond even here wildest dreams.]

[I love you more than anything else in this world]

[The more he spoke, the blurrier he got. Until she realized those were tears welling at the corners of her eyes. Obstructing her vision. The look on his face as he reached for her hand, and she gently clasped her fingers around his. He really did think of her as a sister. Her. Not just a replacement for the one he had lost.]

[There were no words to describe the sheer relief and happiness she felt. She smiled, choking back a laugh as her free hand absently came up to wipe away at her eyes. Less those stupid tears run the risk of ruining the moment.]

[Then she closed the remaining distance between them and wrapped her arms around him. Pulling her dear brother close.]

I love you too, Nico.

[ there's no hesitation when his arms circle her, gathering her up against his chest and holding on to Hazel like she might slip away if he doesn't keep his grip on her. a nagging sense of guilt tugs at his chest for making her cry, even if he knows (hopes) it isn't due to sadness.

he lingers in the hug longer than he normally might, holds onto her tighter than he has before. there's so much relief coursing through him that he has to let it out somehow, chooses to do it by hugging her close to him. because this could have gone so differently, he expected it to, but-

but Hazel continues to surprise him.

his arms relax after a few minutes and he ducks his head so he can try and see her face. ]

Are you okay?

Better than okay.

[Don't mind the water on her face. It must have been raining or something.]

Though wasn't I supposed to be the one asking you that?

[ at the question, Nico's shoulders droop a little. he'd been able to invest his attention into Hazel enough that he'd stuffed everything else out of his mind.

eventually- eventually he'd have to deal with Percy. ]

I'm alright. Better, now.

[ which isn't a lie -- telling Hazel was what had scared him more than anything. with her still caring about him, still supporting him, it made everything else seem a little less intimidating. ]

Good. I'm glad.

[There was nothing but the strongest sincerity behind her tone.]

...did you want to go get something to eat?

I don't know about you, but all this has sudden put me in the mood for a nice bowl of gumbo. Preferably shrimp.

[ the idea of trying to eat after everything makes his stomach turn unpleasantly, but he also doesn't want them to part ways yet, so- ]

Kitchen?

[It was just the opposite for her. Whenever she experienced something emotionally exhausting, her thoughts would return to her favorite comfort food. One of the few familiar things in her new life. Even if the recipe wasn't always exactly the same, it was close enough.]

[Besides, what kind of sister would she be if she didn't at least try to get her dear, skinny brother to eat something?]

How long do you think it'll take us to find it this time?

Annabeth wasn't joking about this place being a maze. It doesn't even listen to me.

[She tried not to pout too much at the thought, having been rather proud of her abilities to manipulate labyrinths in the past. They were supposed to be her element.]

Not long, I don't think.

[ not that he's really spent much time in the kitchen at all. if he gets hungry, he tends to request one or two items at a time from the closet or just shadow travels to the kitchen to keep himself sustained. so grappling with this place hadn't really been as difficult for him as it might have been for, well, everyone else. (the benefits of stepping in and out of shadows at will.) ]

Let's go.

[Hand in hand, she allowed her brother to lead her out of the room and off towards food.]

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( closed ) how can we push aside all the bad and make it right

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