Who The Fuck Even Wants To Go To Oregon?

[thepointisdolphins]

Who: Crowley, his horrible caravan and YOU
Where: THE FUCKING OREGON TRAIL
When: 31st to the 4th
Rating: LMFAO
Summary: NO ONE WANTS TO TRADE WITH YOU TODAY



Sunday: I SLEPT THROUGH THIS CENTURY FOR A REASON

It takes Crowley several long, angry, complaining hours for him to realize that this is an event, that there's no yelling his way out of this, and then to figure out what the hell he's supposed to do. After that time is spent grumbling and growling and buying supplies because Americans are stupid and settlers are stupid and FUCK THIS NOISE. He spends all of his money on oxen and food since he figures he can just eat the oxen and wait the event out if need be. Crowley can be found around the town settlement area and on the initial start of the trail trying to figure things out and locating Aziraphale.

Monday: PRAIRIES ARE BORING

Travel by caravan is easily the worst method of travel ever. Worse than horses. Oxen smell terrible and there is nothing out here. Who knew America had this much freaking nothing? Aside from the rare interesting rock formation or a fort here and there there's just a whole lot of horrible nothing. And also a river. Yeah, there's no way Crowley's going to try and turn his stupid wagon into a boat, so he's gonna pay the stupid ferryman to get him across the stupid river. And then he carries on into the nothingness.

Tuesday: WHO EVEN NEEDS ALL THESE GODDAMN RIVERS

Crowley gets dysentery today and for the first time in his life experiences the joys of shitting himself relentlessly. He makes himself as scarce as is possible on a wagon so no one has to see how horrible and uncool this all is. He also tries to ford another river that seems more shallow than it is and two oxen die and a bunch of food gets swept away. Such is Crowley's life.

Wednesday: HOME SWEET HOME!

Crowley gets hopelessly lost and somehow ends up at the Devil's Tower in Wyoming. He's feeling a little better but this is still pretty horrible, even if the tower itself is pretty cool. He really doesn't want anything to do with anything named "Devil" right now. Later in the day a bunch of aliens show up, think about abducting Crowley, then move on. Crowley hates this event.

Thursday: WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS

Crowley dies today right as they're approaching Oregon! How does he die? Does he drown in the Columbia River? Does he die of dysentery? Does he get trampled by an ox? Does he get murdered by a thief? Does he fall in a gopher hole? Does he get killed by some of his fellow travelers who want to take advantage of the fact that he's human? Either way, once he's a ghost he haunts everyone nearby until the end of the event.

Comments

good

[thepointisdolphins]

[He looks up when he hears someone speaking in a non-ridiculous accent. Well whaddaya know, it's Integra. Honestly he's still not sure what to make of her, whether to classify her as friend or foe. Talking with her is interesting, but he's also pretty sure she'd try to kill him if she had the chance.]

[Not that it really matters right now, considering they're all human and boring and hungry.]

Urgh. [He figures that alone is answer enough, but keeps going.] All these humanizing events lately, it's a complete travesty. I'd sooner just fly across this bloody wasteland, but no.

[He jerks a thumb at the oxen.]

No, I have to rely on America's inbred siblings over there for transport. And why can't we just stay here and wait the event out, I ask you?

[humanities_greatest]

[Keep hating on America. You're not that bad.]

I figured that perhaps staying put wouldn't be a bad idea and then I recall that consequence is a hazard. Care to join me? Two minds are better than one.

[thepointisdolphins]

[It's also different when you actually know the guy.]

Considering Wonderland, I imagine something horrible is in store for anyone who does decide to just stay behind.

[He pauses and considers Integra for a few moments with his eyes slightly narrowed.]

Hmm, well...I suppose. Just as long as you don't go crazy and try to kill and eat me or some rubbish like that.

[humanities_greatest]

[She hates that bastard too.]

You hinted at being human, correct? I protect humans.

[thepointisdolphins]

Er--well, only temporarily...

[And he might be edging back a step.]

[humanities_greatest]

Don't be afraid of me. [No. Please be afraid. It's kind of hot.] Like I said, I will not harm you.

[thepointisdolphins]

Well, I suppose even if you did, I would come back in a few days with the event over and plenty of time to plan my revenge. So perhaps it wouldn't be that bad.

[Except that he's died before and he knows how much it sucks.]

[humanities_greatest]

I assure you, you will have no reason to want revenge. Get in the wagon.

[thepointisdolphins]

Ngh. Fine. [He does.] I hate oxen.

[humanities_greatest]

My thoughts exactly. What's our plan. I haven't exactly been trained in... surviving the west.

[thepointisdolphins]

As if I have. I slept through most of this century. I think we're just supposed to...try to make it to Oregon? Why would anyone want to go to Oregon, anyway? I suppose we'll need food and spare parts and such.