A.J. Crowley (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
thepointisdolphins) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
entrancelogs2014-08-31 08:59 pm
thepointisdolphins) wrote in entrancelogs2014-08-31 08:59 pm
Entry tags:
Who The Fuck Even Wants To Go To Oregon?
Who: Crowley, his horrible caravan and YOU
Where: THE FUCKING OREGON TRAIL
When: 31st to the 4th
Rating: LMFAO
Summary: NO ONE WANTS TO TRADE WITH YOU TODAY
Sunday: I SLEPT THROUGH THIS CENTURY FOR A REASON
It takes Crowley several long, angry, complaining hours for him to realize that this is an event, that there's no yelling his way out of this, and then to figure out what the hell he's supposed to do. After that time is spent grumbling and growling and buying supplies because Americans are stupid and settlers are stupid and FUCK THIS NOISE. He spends all of his money on oxen and food since he figures he can just eat the oxen and wait the event out if need be. Crowley can be found around the town settlement area and on the initial start of the trail trying to figure things out and locating Aziraphale.
Monday: PRAIRIES ARE BORING
Travel by caravan is easily the worst method of travel ever. Worse than horses. Oxen smell terrible and there is nothing out here. Who knew America had this much freaking nothing? Aside from the rare interesting rock formation or a fort here and there there's just a whole lot of horrible nothing. And also a river. Yeah, there's no way Crowley's going to try and turn his stupid wagon into a boat, so he's gonna pay the stupid ferryman to get him across the stupid river. And then he carries on into the nothingness.
Tuesday: WHO EVEN NEEDS ALL THESE GODDAMN RIVERS
Crowley gets dysentery today and for the first time in his life experiences the joys of shitting himself relentlessly. He makes himself as scarce as is possible on a wagon so no one has to see how horrible and uncool this all is. He also tries to ford another river that seems more shallow than it is and two oxen die and a bunch of food gets swept away. Such is Crowley's life.
Wednesday: HOME SWEET HOME!
Crowley gets hopelessly lost and somehow ends up at the Devil's Tower in Wyoming. He's feeling a little better but this is still pretty horrible, even if the tower itself is pretty cool. He really doesn't want anything to do with anything named "Devil" right now. Later in the day a bunch of aliens show up, think about abducting Crowley, then move on. Crowley hates this event.
Thursday: WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS
Crowley dies today right as they're approaching Oregon! How does he die? Does he drown in the Columbia River? Does he die of dysentery? Does he get trampled by an ox? Does he get murdered by a thief? Does he fall in a gopher hole? Does he get killed by some of his fellow travelers who want to take advantage of the fact that he's human? Either way, once he's a ghost he haunts everyone nearby until the end of the event.
Where: THE FUCKING OREGON TRAIL
When: 31st to the 4th
Rating: LMFAO
Summary: NO ONE WANTS TO TRADE WITH YOU TODAY
Sunday: I SLEPT THROUGH THIS CENTURY FOR A REASON
It takes Crowley several long, angry, complaining hours for him to realize that this is an event, that there's no yelling his way out of this, and then to figure out what the hell he's supposed to do. After that time is spent grumbling and growling and buying supplies because Americans are stupid and settlers are stupid and FUCK THIS NOISE. He spends all of his money on oxen and food since he figures he can just eat the oxen and wait the event out if need be. Crowley can be found around the town settlement area and on the initial start of the trail trying to figure things out and locating Aziraphale.
Monday: PRAIRIES ARE BORING
Travel by caravan is easily the worst method of travel ever. Worse than horses. Oxen smell terrible and there is nothing out here. Who knew America had this much freaking nothing? Aside from the rare interesting rock formation or a fort here and there there's just a whole lot of horrible nothing. And also a river. Yeah, there's no way Crowley's going to try and turn his stupid wagon into a boat, so he's gonna pay the stupid ferryman to get him across the stupid river. And then he carries on into the nothingness.
Tuesday: WHO EVEN NEEDS ALL THESE GODDAMN RIVERS
Crowley gets dysentery today and for the first time in his life experiences the joys of shitting himself relentlessly. He makes himself as scarce as is possible on a wagon so no one has to see how horrible and uncool this all is. He also tries to ford another river that seems more shallow than it is and two oxen die and a bunch of food gets swept away. Such is Crowley's life.
Wednesday: HOME SWEET HOME!
Crowley gets hopelessly lost and somehow ends up at the Devil's Tower in Wyoming. He's feeling a little better but this is still pretty horrible, even if the tower itself is pretty cool. He really doesn't want anything to do with anything named "Devil" right now. Later in the day a bunch of aliens show up, think about abducting Crowley, then move on. Crowley hates this event.
Thursday: WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS
Crowley dies today right as they're approaching Oregon! How does he die? Does he drown in the Columbia River? Does he die of dysentery? Does he get trampled by an ox? Does he get murdered by a thief? Does he fall in a gopher hole? Does he get killed by some of his fellow travelers who want to take advantage of the fact that he's human? Either way, once he's a ghost he haunts everyone nearby until the end of the event.
no subject
At this point Crowley is just sitting with his remaining oxen, staring up at the tower and the aliens and contemplating the abject pointlessness of existence when suddenly there's an America bumbling up to him out of freaking nowhere.
"Oh no, not you again. Once was enough. No, don't come near me, what's wrong with you, have you contracted the bloody plague? America. What--"
And then America faceplants into Crowley's crotch, and not exactly lightly, and it's not like as a human Crowley can just disappear the more sensitive bits when they're in danger, and so now for the first time in his life, Crowley has experienced what a headbutt to the crotch feels like.
He goes white and just sort of falls over with a keening sound.
no subject
America follows suit in collapsing to the ground in a daze. He should probably wonder why the 'cactus' didn't prick him, but he's so far beyond the point of logic that it's remarkable he's functioning at all. The only thoughts he has are vague wishes for his ailments to go away and how great it would be to have some pancakes right now.
As he's wondering if cacti can function the same as zucchini, he rolls over to get a good look at the figure writhing on the ground. His stomach rumbles ominously. At least for one brief moment, he's able to recognize that this isn't a cactus.
"Heyyyy, when'd you get here?"
The worst part is he voices it as a complaint, like c'mon Crowley, why are you always around when America is miserable? Why aren't you something edible? Wait...
"Are demons edible? Or are ya like mushrooms where some are edible and others'll poison ya? Snakes are edible. Do you taste like snake?"
Nothing good can come of these thoughts.
no subject
He manages to roll away a few inches from America before he can start chewing on him or something.
"Why do you exist I hate you so much whyyyy...don't you dare try to eat me or I'll curse you into a million pieces when I get my powers back."