( open ) they'll name a city after us

[heroica]

Who: Robyn Cousland and YOU
Where: Tenth floor, room 030 (the chapel) & the forest clearing. You can also catch her traveling to and from those locations!
When: April 27th
Rating: PG/PG-13 for mild language and talk of death
Summary: Not long after being told that she's going to die in her own world, the Warden was bitten by one of the Infected and then died to prevent turning. A week after she returns, she has to face that truth in a much more concrete way than before.
The Story:

[ Those who were said to find peace in their dying moments and in death were lucky. They were not Robyn, dead once now, dead twice at the least when everything is said and done. It had been bloody and cold and cruel from beginning to end, when their would-be safe house was overrun by people who were said to be still living, but transformed by a parasite. It had been too similar to the darkspawn, the blight, and the taint, and when she'd been bitten, she'd half-expected the poison already in her blood to overcome the new. Maybe they did battle for control: it certainly felt that way, how her veins burned and her wound worsened more quickly than she could have imagined. She would have become one of them, but she would never let that happen, just as the Grey Wardens kept from becoming ghouls by opting for deaths of their own choosing. She had meant to do it herself, but in the end, she hadn't even been able to manage that. If Leliana hadn't found her... would she have let herself turn?

Robyn keeps to her room until she can't stand it, climbing the walls and positively manic with the angst of it all. In a restless haze, she tears through the mansion's halls, making eye contact with no one, barely aware of her legs carrying her out and away. The Warden stalks through the grass of the grounds, mabari at her heels (whining softly in confusion and compassion) until she arrives at a clearing that another Warden had pointed out to her weeks and weeks ago. She withdraws her dagger and flings it at one of the training dummies, but her hands are shaking and it misses her mark, lodging itself in the lower half of the thing. She drops the crossbow from her back, holding it in her hands and raised toward the dummy, but she changes her mind and lets the weapon fall, dropping down with it. The crossbow lands with a soft thump in the grass and the Warden herself lies on her back, staring up at the canopy of trees, hair fanned out against the grass. She doesn't cry: all noises are caught up in the lump in her throat. Oren lays down at her side, curling against her, occasionally licking her hand.

Later, after hours have passed, she leaves. Slowly, mechanically, she gathers up her dagger and her crossbow and leaves the clearing, moving back to the mansion when the sun is still high in the sky. Doors and halls and people are just as much the blurs that they'd been in the morning, and eventually she makes it up to the top of the mansion, just below the roof. Gently, she sets down all of her weapons at the entrance of the chapel that she'd helped to create for purposes like these, and she lays a hand on the back pew, staring hard at the not-so-distant wall. Eventually, Robyn moves to the front, kneeling and then sitting back, eyes shut tight and hands clasped right in front of her face. ]

"... The fear of death is in your eyes; its hand is upon your throat. Raise your voices to the heavens! Remember: not alone do we stand on the field of battle..."

Comments

[ladysunshines]

[There are many places that Bethany has discovered since her arrival at the mansion. She's been keeping to herself, admittedly, especially with the events that transpired with the Infected -- it had been a massacre, and even knowing that the people would be back was of little comfort. The chapel is somewhere she'd been sure she had found a small piece of Thedas -- she loved the Chantry in Lothering and it reminded her of that place in some ways.

When she steps inside today and sees the woman at the front, kneeling as she is, she stops in the doorway. It's intrusive to just walk in when someone else is praying, isn't it? She moves as quietly as she can to the back (she's wearing a pair of ridiculous heels beneath her mage robes, but they're covered well enough) to kneel herself, keeping a respectful distance. She will join in the Chant, however.]

"The Maker is with us! His Light shall be our banner, and we shall bear it through the gates of that city and deliver it to our brothers and sisters awaiting their freedom within those walls. At last, the Light shall shine upon all of creation, if we are only strong enough to carry it."

[heroica]

[ The voice, unfamiliar, though speaking familiar words, has her raising her head and peering curiously over her shoulder. Robyn, like Bethany, doesn't think it right to interrupt someone else in prayer, but she does move quietly closer, taking a place across the aisle from the other woman. ]

I'm sorry to interrupt, but-- You're from Thedas? I don't think we've met.

[ Ferelden, too, she guesses by the voice, and smiles amiably, despite... everything. ]

You look familiar. [ Robyn remarks lightly. ]

[ladysunshines]

[After countless people in Kirkwall commenting on it, she knows that the accent from Ferelden comes through -- she wouldn't be surprised if Robyn pinpointed it.

She glances up as the other woman moves, gauging the woman's tone as best she can. She at least doesn't seem adverse to talking.]

I am, yes. And I'm told I look like Carver and Garrett both, if you've met them. They're my brothers.

[It isn't a stretch to think that might be why she looks familiar. Bethany pauses.]

I didn't mean to intrude or interrupt. I can certainly come back later, if you'd like some alone time.

[heroica]

You're Bethany Hawke. [ Robyn concludes, smiling warmly now, as if meeting an old friend. ] I... admit that I don't know either very well, but my closest friend, Leliana, spoke of you and your brother. He's with the Wardens now, but... he seems a little more reserved than his siblings.

[ She laughs suddenly, then claps a hand over her mouth, smiling in a sheepish sort of way. ]

He named his dog after you, you know. Before you arrived. [ There's a lighter giggle and a softer smile, then. ] He's very fond of you.

[ Bethany knows all that, most likely. Remembering herself, the Warden shakes her head. ]

You aren't interrupting. I... needed some time away, it's true, but I appreciate the company. My name is Robyn Cousland.

[ladysunshines]

Carver's always tried to be the most serious of us to be taken the most serious, I think.

[She certainly can't disagree with Robyn's assessment, no matter how different their worlds might've been. At the statement about the dogs, she also lets out an easy laugh, shaking her head.]

I'm sure he thought he was doing it to be cute, but now all I can think of is that he remembers how much I used to drool in my sleep as a child.

[She smiles, then, ducking her head in a slight bow. She knows of the Couslands for the same reason that anyone in Ferelden might.]

Well met, Lady Robyn. I have to admit, it has been a pleasant surprise finding so many from Ferelden here.

[It isn't that she hates Kirkwall, except that ... some parts of her kind of do.]

[heroica]

He does seem it. [ Wanting to be taken seriously, anyway. Robyn's smile softens, and then she admits a little laugh at Bethany's recollection of her childhood. ]

I won't tell a soul. [ The dog is adorable, after all, and Bethany herself seems sweet. ]

A surprise and a blessing. Wonderland has brought us little bits of home, even in a place so... foreign. [ It's about as far from Thedas as you can get, in her opinion. ] I'm sorry about Lothering. We passed through just before the darkspawn. We didn't hear until it was too late.

[ Her smile fades and she dips her chin almost reverently, perhaps thinking of the people who'd died because there weren't any Grey Wardens to stem the tide of darkspawn. ]

Clearing

[fatherlesskind]

[Alistair is unsettled in his own way, seeking every possible way to distract himself from his thoughts since he woke up after it all. He's on his way out to the clearing himself, thinking that the familiar focus of training will help clear his head and tire him out enough to sleep easily tonight.

He sees Oren first, the bulk of the hound impossible to miss as he approaches through the trees. From there his eyes find Robyn, stretched out on the ground. It makes his heart clench, remembering the last time he'd seen her, the bloodied bite mark from one of those creatures a death sentence he could do nothing to prevent. The feeling passes as he sees her chest rise and fall reassuringly as she breathes. Of course she's alive, as alive as he is but still struggling with what happened too, surely.

Maybe he should leave her in peace. If she wanted company she could have come to see him.

...She might not want company but she looks like she might need it. And he wouldn't object to it himself. Any kind of distraction will do and if it cheers them both up all the better. An idea begins to form as he remembers when he brought her out here the first time and it quickly becomes a plan. An impulsive plan but a plan all the same.

She must have heard him coming so he doesn't need to worry about startling her and getting a dagger to his face, so Alistair just pads over to join her. Dropping to his knees at Robyn's side he sets aside his sword and shield and looks down at her with a small smile.]

Hi.

[Rather than comment on why she's out here alone or anything about the last time they saw each other he simply holds out his hand to help her up.]

[heroica]

[ There are a lot of reasons she hadn't gone to see him. There are a lot of reasons she hadn't gone to see anybody. For a week, she'd kept her door shut and locked, had cried and raged and slept and paced alone, or, with only her dog for company. It had been a necessary evil, because she couldn't pretend that everything was all right after... what had happened. After dying in Wonderland so soon after what Leliana had told her. The idea of feigning happiness in an effort that she almost never had to make seemed insurmountable.

It had passed, or had... lessened. Then, she'd had to leave, to stalk the halls and get out of her room, out of her own head, and... here she is. Here they are. Of course Alistair would find her, because this had been his place of refuge, after all, and... though she wants to, she can't feel bad for occupying it. It's relaxing and reassuring, somehow, just as he'd said, and lying in the grass is easier than anything else at the moment.

When he offers his hand, instead of rising up and taking it, she slips her hand in his and gently tugs him downward, silently asking him to join her in the grass. ]

[fatherlesskind]

[He follows the tug of her hand, dropping back to lay in the grass at her side and stare up at the blue sky overhead, forgetting his plan for the moment. For a while he's content to let silence reign, just taking in comfort in the fact that they're both here and alive and that Wonderland is peaceful again. But eventually, unsurprisingly, he has to speak.]

I'm glad you're- [OK isn't the right word because she's clearly not and he wouldn't expect her to be. But maybe-] Still here. I was scared I'd never see you again.

[Oh he'd heard stories about the things that Wonderland could do to them, what was possible here. But it's one thing to hear it and another to believe it. And he doesn't think anyone could blame him for not believing until he saw it - felt it - himself. And even then, there had been the gnawing fear that Robyn wouldn't have come back and might have disappeared forever as people are wont to do. He doesn't want to lose any of the friends he's made here if he can avoid it, even knowing that once they figure out a way he'll have to go back to his Ferelden alone.

So it's a relief to see her and know that whatever else happened they're both still here. Now, if they can just find a way to forget anything bad ever happened it would be even better.]

[heroica]

[ "I was scared I'd never see you again." How badly she wants to say the same to him but doesn't, forever mired in the terrible fear of scaring him off. She'd first been afraid that she'd never see Alistair again when she was brought to the mansion and left him behind in Ferelden. Then, this other Alistair: she'd been half-convinced that her death in the halls of the mansion would be the end of their time together (and of her time in Wonderland in its entirety) despite what others said about coming back from the dead.

Robyn releases his hand, folding both of her own over her middle as she lies in the grass at his side. Words begin to form up, the news preparing to spill out, though she'd kept herself from saying it since Leliana's arrival, but... she can't bring herself to stop them. The timing seems right, somehow. ]

I'm to die fighting the archdemon. [ The Warden states, voice soft, but not wavering. She's had time to adjust to this news, but it hasn't been smooth or easy or clean. There's still a heavy, underlying fear that she can't shake, that she'll likely never be able to shake. It's anticipation after being faced with an unquestionable truth. ]

A real death. [ She continues, unable to look at him for fear of even more heavy remorse and grief building. ] Leliana told me when she arrived and I tried to... to push that knowledge away, but since I was killed here, it's all seemed so much more real. I'm terrified.

[ Afraid to die. Afraid to leave her friends, family and the other Warden who does remember her behind. The spymaster's words about what happened after, of the tomb at Weisshaupt and the dispersal of their group and the mourning of those she'd been (of those she is) close with-- it all makes her feel sick with heartache. ]

[fatherlesskind]

[Anything else he might have been thinking vanishes as soon as he hears those words. Alistair sits up, twisting to look down at Robyn in shock and disbelief.

In a way it shouldn't come as a surprise. He knows that when they finally face the archdemon it will be the most difficult battle any of them have fought before and that it will be a miracle if every one of their band makes it out alive. But he'd started to take it for granted, as much as were possible, that they'd both live through their respective battles. Everyone from Thedas who thinks the Blight over has known who he is and isn't the least surprised to see him alive. If he's alive then why not his fellow Warden?

And then there's the whole Hero of Ferelden thing. ...Someone can still be declared a hero after they died - just look at Garahel after he ended the Fourth Blight. But. It hadn't sounded like they were talking about a dead hero - Nathaniel had even claimed to know Robyn and been recruited by her after the Blight ended. And he'd said it was her and not just a Warden with the same name. It didn't make sense for him to have lied about it.

But Leliana wouldn't lie either. And she also knows Robyn. Out of the two of them, Leliana is the one he trusts. He's only met Nathaniel once while he's known Leliana for much longer and she's always been trustworthy.

Robyn is going to die. In, what? A few months at best? After the Landsmeet there will be little else left to do to prepare. They need only find and face the archdemon.

There's nothing he can say to that. No words that are enough to encompass how it must feel to know that, how it feels to hear it. Of course she's scared, who wouldn't be? And there's nothing he can say. Even the tentative hope that maybe, just maybe, they can still change things is inadequate.

All he can do is reach out, grab her shoulder and tug insistently, wanting her to sit up so he can wrap his arms around her. It's a paltry comfort but it's all he has to give.]

[heroica]

[ It's almost enough to draw tears from her. Even after she thought they'd all been run dry, even after she'd felt only hollow grief, even after she swore not to involve him in her bitter affairs, he's still there, somehow. He reaches for her and she can't help but acquiesce, swallowing the lump in her throat and giving in to the gesture. He's so much bigger than her that it's like having him draped over her, but it's a familiar feeling, however much she doesn't want to admit it and wouldn't ever say it to him. Having Alistair ("an" Alistair? "the" Alistair?) hug her in this moment is much more of a comfort than she would have expected, considering the strength of the fear and hopelessness that's come to live in her, and she embraces him in return, buried against his chest and staying there as she tries to sort through the tangled mess of thoughts in her mind. ]

I know that you survive. [ She begins, after some time, turning her face sideways to speak so that he can hear, but not yet drawing back. ] That Leliana survives, that all the others do. I know that the Blight ends and that Ferelden is safe again. So many already have sacrificed themselves for our cause and I... am proud to be able to be part of that number, to do right by the Wardens and Ferelden.

[ Finally, she pulls away, still sitting up but again enforcing her self-made boundaries, clutching the hand that had been wrapped around him to the front of her shirt. ]

But, that doesn't make it any easier. [ Robyn admits, because he deserves her honesty, considering she'd been the one to bring up this... trial. The Warden slowly shakes her head, looking away, looking tired as she stares at the target dummy opposite where they'd been lying down. ]

I'm sorry. [ She says softly. ] I didn't want to tell you, but I-- It was a moment of weakness. This is my burden to bear, not yours.

[ Having seen the pain of it in Leliana's eyes had been more than enough. She can't apologize for giving her life, one day, for their cause, but she can feel the wracking guilt of leaving her friends behind. ]

[noble_son]

"The Maker is with us."

[Nathaniel speaks softly as he enters the chapel, pausing in the door and resting his hand on the frame. He doesn't linger there long, setting down his bow with Robyn's steel and walking in with an air of quiet reverence.

Who wouldn't need a place like this, after the things they had just seen? The Blight was fresh enough in Nathaniel's mind, and as a Warden the fight against the Darkspawn never truly ended. He doesn't sit by her but takes a seat nearby, clasping his hands between his knees and bowing his head a little.

Blessed are they who stand before the corrupt and the wicked and do not falter.

Was the Maker with them, in such a place as this?]

[heroica]

[ She doesn't speak at first, but reacts to his voice by turning, watching him passively, and then moving to sit at his side. Like Nathaniel, Robyn clasps her hands and recites the Chant, speaking along with him, stopping to make conversation only after some time has passed.

Maybe it will help them both. ]

Were you hurt? [ She asks finally, looking over at him from at his side. ] When... those creatures were in the mansion.

[ And out of it. He'll know what she means, as it would be impossible to not have been involved in some way with the Infected who invaded their temporary home. ]

[noble_son]

[Nathaniel has always been one to think before he answered 'are you Andrastian' with an affirmative response, but right now, faith feels like one of the most comforting things he could turn to. He's grateful to find a place like this, and even to find a friend within it when he arrives. Keeping pace with Robyn's words as they recite, he feels the residual tension and panic easing out of his body.

When they stop, he takes a moment to answer the question posed to him, his gaze fixed on the wall opposite. Then, he shakes his head.]

No. I wasn't hurt.

[He frowns and exhales slowly.]

And you? You're alright?

[heroica]

[ She doesn't answer immediately, much in the same way that he took the time to respond to her question. The Warden pauses, debating whether or not to be honest, but she usually is, particularly with people that she cares about. Robyn sighs softly through the nose, hanging her head, eyes staring, unseeing, at the ground. ]

I died. [ She speaks finally, with an expression and tone that suggests she doesn't quite believe it yet. ] I was... fighting, in the halls, and I was bitten.

[ No need to mention that she didn't let herself turn. That Leliana ended things when she was too terrified to do it herself. ]

[noble_son]

You...

[He feels his stomach drop. Robyn might not know him as much as he knows her, but that doesn't mean he cares any less. She died, she says, but she's in front of him right now as real as the bench he's sitting on.

Nathaniel is quiet for a short time while he absorbs that. Is the magic of this place truly that strong? To bring people back from the dead was the work of Necromancy... and no Necromancy he'd ever heard of could do anything like this.]

I'm sorry, I.. You don't have to talk about it.

[heroica]

[ Robyn shakes her head distantly, as if to say it's fine. She doesn't say that, though. She sits at his side, still looking down for a while in the lapse, before managing the stomach to look his way with something like a quiet imploring. ]

How sure are you that I am the Warden you remember from after the Blight? Would you stake your life on the fact that we're the same?

[ She has to know which story is true. Whether she lives or dies. And if he knows her, then-- it doesn't make sense. Even so, I have to try and manage it. ]

[normandysbest]

[Shepard's... not a huge fan of religion. It's always, inevitably, let her down. Prayers go unanswered, and she ends up feeling like she has to do everything herself anyway. But the chapel is calming, and it reminds her of someone she never wants to forget, so sometimes she comes here just to get away from it all. The last zombie event was grueling, and after sleeping for practically an entire day, she's here, just sort of... waiting, hoping she'll feel something remarkably divine. Instead, Robyn comes, and Shepard watches, quietly for a bit, not wanting to interrupt, but beginning to wonder if maybe, she needs someone to talk to.

She knows a lot about needing someone to talk to, at least.

So she moves, sits near Robyn, watches her quietly, tries to sit back in her own contemplation until she finally gets fidgety.]

... Hey, you alright? You seem pretty distressed.

[heroica]

[ Robyn looks up immediately, perhaps a little tired in her eyes and expression, but offering a little, albeit weak smile for the stranger nonetheless. ]

I'm fine. [ She says, which is nearly a complete lie. ] Do I seem distressed? Really?

[ That isn't good. She's usually better at overcoming her grief, though... to be fair, there has been a lot of it, lately. ]

I didn't mean to. [ The Warden says finally, glancing to the front of the chapel. ] Things have been... a little overwhelming in these past few weeks.

[normandysbest]

You're allowed to be distressed, you know. This place isn't exactly calming-- well, this place is, but not Wonderland in general. It's only evident to me when your knuckles are practically white that you've probably got a lot going on.

[She tries to look... sympathetic? Comforting? Something to ease her grief. She knows what it feels like to suffer alone. Any help she can offer, she'd be happy to give.]

I just know what it feels like to silently try and deal with a bunch of issues. [She chuckles, a little, under her breath.] I mean, ah. That's probably why you're here, to get some quiet.

[heroica]

[ Ah. Robyn immediately stretches out her fingers, peering at her hands meekly. ]

I'm not... not exactly. Not anymore. [ She shifts, looking over at Shepard as if considering how much, if anything, to tell her. ] I came here because-- Not for quiet, but for a space where I knew I would be able to think. Noise or no, I helped to create this room so that whoever might need a space where they can feel a little safer, or a little more at peace... Well, I think it's very important. After everything...

[ Finding out that she's going to die at home had been bad enough, but then to actually die (and in such a horrific way) in Wonderland... ]

The last event... were you injured?

[normandysbest]

[Shepard sighs, heavy. It's good to have people who are working for something better, reaching for peace, but she knows how much that weighs on you when it doesn't work out. Even if you help hundreds of people, there will always be one you can't save, and that's the one you remember. Even if you create something beautiful, you can never quite enjoy it the same way other people can. You just... hold out. Try to survive. Do all you can.

But she watches Robyn, trying to look like she could be reassuring, and responds.]

I made it through okay. I've... got a lot of combat training. I spent most of it moving people around safehouses, but... couldn't get to everyone. Never can. But... I hope it made a difference anyway. That's sort of what you have to hold onto, right?

[She chuckles, a bit. Keep laughing. If she doesn't laugh, she's... well.]

What about you? Sounds like it must've been pretty bad, if you're still mulling through it. [Shepard pauses for a second.] You don't need to tell me about it if you don't have to. I talk to my crew all the time when they're having issues, so I'm used to a lot of emotional baggage, but... I don't expect you to trust me, considering we've never met before now. You don't need to tell me anything you don't want.

[intelligently]

( Lydia had been doing her own practice when the noise came. The whack of the knife hitting the dummy, and then the dropping of the crossbow. It has Lydia curious, lowering her own bow to head into the direction of the sound. Getting closer Lydia sees the woman, and with how she's laid out she looks very peaceful )

Are you okay?

( It's the bow near her, and the expression on her face that has Lydia asking. She might look peaceful but there's something else to it too )

[heroica]

[ Robyn doesn't recognize the voice, but if the woman means her harm, she'll be able to get the jump on the Warden as she lies, listless, in the grass. Her gaze drifts to Lydia, but then back to the sky above them and she sighs in a gradual exhale. ]

Yes. [ She says, though it's not true. Far be it from her to put her problems onto the others, particularly a stranger. Even so, she pulls herself into a sitting position in the name of courtesy and absent-mindedly strokes Oren's back. ]

It helps to think, being out here. [ Robyn states eventually, glancing back to the other young woman. ] There's more space, and the quiet-- it all helps.