entrancelogs | ( open ) I toss and turn, I can't sleep at night

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( open ) I toss and turn, I can't sleep at night

Who: Bruce Banner & YOU
Where: All around the mansion and the grounds
When: During the second half of August
Rating: PG13 for likely mentions of trauma and violence, will update if need be
Summary: Bruce slowly tries to cope with Wonderland, Ultron, Sokovia, and the mutant event. It doesn't always work well.
The Story:

[ Coping is a pretty word. But like a lot of complicated words, it's pretty on paper, with a clean cut description added at the front like a dictionary, explained just right. Here, this means that in the English language, and that's how it all works.

But it's not. Adapting words to reality makes it obvious just how some things can't be described with precision, how fallible language can be. Bruce finds himself at a loss as of late, lost between what he feels and what he thinks, what to do or say in face of the experiences he needs to work through.

By comparison, the mutant event really shouldn't have affected him that much. But then it does, because he was so put-together then, he had principles, a purpose, something he genuinely believed in and was willing to fight for. Now? Now he's back to normal. His normal, messed-up and lost self. Well— slightly better now, but does it make much of a difference? He's still completely out of sorts, and he doesn't mean just in Wonderland. He means in life overall. Like he doesn't entirely belong there, or anywhere.

He tries hard to cope, though. Just a pretty word, but he does. Mostly this means burying himself neck deep into science, work, whatever he can study in this place. When even that gets too frustrating and leads nowhere, he heads out for a walk around the mansion, tries to eat something— loses his appetite after a couple of bites but forces himself to finish anyway. Can't have him getting so hungry he'll lose his handle on himself.

The gardens are pretty but it all seems a little hollow to him, still he'll make his way there, sometimes walking one of the stray dogs currently being looked after by Sam and those who'd shown interest in helping. The beach is, by far, one of his favorite places, considering it's usually more deserted, and he finds himself the quietest and farthest spot to sit by himself, eyes fixed on the horizon.

In the meantime, he keeps an eye for familiar faces. People he knew during the mutant event, people he felt like he'd shaped a bond with. Some of them he does want to get to meet here, and the ones he'd had less than pleasant encounters with he also hopes to find. Even if there's one in particular he's keen on avoiding, but that's something to worry about later. Way later. ]

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[His explanation about the light is interesting- she sort of already knew about it, but she didn't pay enough attention in science class to actually remember all that clearly. Give her a camera over a microscope any day...

It takes him a while to actually talk after she hands over the gifts, and she risks a glance at him- catching him stare at the card with not quite the expression she was hoping for. And his voice has that forced tone to it, that artificial lightness.

She should have gotten him something better. Dumb Max. Of course, he's some sort of big-shot scientist and she got him a homemade greeting card, like that would be the sort of thing he likes. Like it would cheer him up.

Dumb.

Her apology tumbles out with stutters and a worried expression.]

S-sorry. I didn't know what to get you, so I just kinda- uhh, Bruce? [Her brow furrows, and she leans slightly away from him as though to look at him better.] Are you okay?

[ It has nothing to do with appreciating the card or not, because he does appreciate it. It just hurts a little right now, when everything is still so fresh in his mind, and this is just a reminder that there are people he'll inevitable let down in one way or another.

He has no idea what's going through Max's mind right now, though. Were he to know, he'd put her worries to rest. It's enough that he feels like crap about most everything in his life right now, he wouldn't want her feeling the same way over such a sweet and thoughtful gesture. ]

What? [ He looks up, eyebrows raised, closing the card and keeping it close to himself. ] Yes, I'm... I'm fine. I just didn't expect gifts or...

[ Or thank you's from people he's technically never even met. He smiles again, a little more genuinely this time, lifting the card up just so. ] I meant it. It really is a nice card.

Oh. [Obviously he's not fine, though she returns his smile.] You know, back at the event... you listened. Heh. Listened. [She gives him an amused but shy smirk.] If you ever need someone to listen... it's a better way to pay you back than a card.

[Her amusement dissolves rather quickly. She looks back again out to see, soaking in the view. She definitely doesn't want to push him if he's uncomfortable, but she really does care that he's okay.] So... yeah. For real.

[ Well, 'listen' is one way of putting it, but he knows what she means. He smiles, grateful too for her words, glad if she feels even just a hint better thanks to what he did for her back then.

There's no answer to that offer, but in the silence there's the agreement. Yes, he will keep that in mind. In fact, thinking of it, he may just start now. ]

Your... ability. Do you still have it? Can you still do it here?

[That.

That's not what she expected when she offered to listen.

She glances at him, wide-eyed, then quickly looks away again. Fiddles with the sand under her hands and hopes he doesn't notice.]

Wh- Uhh, no, why would I... it- it was an event. Right?

[ Wow Max, you really are so subtle. Even without the fidgeting and looking away, the words she says and the way she says them pretty much answer the question for her, even when she pointedly tries not to. ]

So? Some people still have powers outside of these events. Not everyone is your average human around here. [ Actually the opposite is true more often than not. ]

[She is the master of social encounters, believe me!

She gives him a serious look and gulps down her nervousness.]

Not me... right now I'm as average as it gets.

[...Change the topic.]

Do you still have that power?

[ He doesn't really believe that, but he just accepts the dismissive answer for what it is. She doesn't want to talk about it, and he'll be the last person to push her into it. ]

No, [ He looks down and away from her again, lips pressing into a thin line. He swallows dryly before continuing. ] I have another... ability, if you'd call it that. Much more destructive than that.

[Well, now she's gone and made him uncomfortable, too. Except she's apparently more into being nosy than he is.]

Okaaay... So are we talking like lasers and explosives or...?

[The words seem a little cavalier, but her tone is the opposite: gentle and concerned, obviously trying to cheer him up rather than make fun of him.]

[ It has him smiling a little, even if it's somewhat bitter and not at all genuine. He doesn't take it as a joke, though— he can tell by her tone that it's not, that she's not just mocking him.

Though if she were, it'd be a pretty stupid thing to mock him for. ]

More like... turning into an invulnerable unstoppable monster. That kind of destructive.

Wowser. [Because that's certainly not something you hear everyday. It's a pretty telling thing that he uses the word monster.] I'm guessing that's a lot less awesome than it sounds.

Not that-... that it sounds awesome.

No, it's not awesome at all.

[ It grates him just a little, the way she says it, but he swallows down the urge to be bitter at her, taking a calming breath, then adding just as softly. ]

I've killed people. Hurt some that I deeply cared about. There's nothing— nothing good about not knowing when you might just... lose control.

[ It's likely more than she wants to know, and more than he'd be otherwise inclined to share, but the words just spill from him before he can even think twice about it. He wants to take them back almost immediately, but since that's not an option, he just closes his mouth and falls silent again, a breath stuttering quietly when he exhales. ]

[Uh. Fuck.

She completely botched that, didn't she? He starts explaining exactly what it feels like, what he's done, and she wants to cringe at every single word.

Way to go, Max.

By the time he's quiet again, she's basically bursting with the need to apologize.]

I'm so sorry, I didn't mean what I said! It must be so terrible having to live with that... You're a good guy, Bruce. You wouldn't hurt anyone if you could help it. I'm sure of it.

[She keeps glancing at him as she speaks, wanting to see his expression but worried that he might be really pissed at her.]

There must be something you can do to... make it better, right?

[ She didn't botch it, no. Bruce's just heard the same thing from other people, and while he can appreciate support, it just rubs him the wrong way when people who don't really understand his condition say that it's 'cool' or 'impressive'.

But that's just the thing, she doesn't know. She's never seen the Hulk, after all, so how could she possibly understand how horrible it can be, for both him and everyone else? ]

It's fine, Max. It's... I'm not mad at you. I'm just...[ He sighs, lifting a hand up to rub at his forehead. He forces out a chuckle. ] Tired, I guess.

[ Of the event, of the monster, of everything. He'd lie down and sleep for weeks on end right now if only could manage to fall asleep. ]

There used to be. Right now, I'm not so sure anymore.

[He sounds tired- he looks tired, too. Come to think of it, this whole scene, sitting at the beach and staring out to sea? That just screams tired.

Max fidgets, unsure of what to say.]

What was it? It... stopped working?

[It's hard for her to imagine what it could be. In fact it's hard for her to imagine his entire situation.]

[ To be fair he's felt tired since he got here, and sleep hasn't really been happening. Aside from the few nights of peaceful sleep he got in that alternate reality, he hasn't managed to get much rest since his arrival. Even before then. ]

You could say that, yes.

[ It's hard to explain or even bring up his (former) team, and it's evident that he doesn't want to. ]

You don't have to worry. If something happens here, I'll... there's always the forest. I'll just go in there.

[She shakes her head.]

I'm not worried about me. I'm worried about you.

And I've heard that whole... forest thing before. It doesn't really end well. That's not how things get better, right?

[But she trails off, worried that she might be pressing him too hard. Toward the end her voice softens considerably, her sympathy showing.]

You don't have to. [ Too many people worry about him as it is, already. ]

Things never really end well when I lose control. The forest is... well, it's not ideal, but it's safer. For everyone— myself included.

[ He opens his mouth again, glancing at her for a long, silent moment. ] It can't hurt me, anyway.

[She wishes there was something she could say to that. But the truth is she hardly knows anything about his condition, and it obviously affects him so deeply that any attempt to cheer him up might go the wrong way.]

...I don't think I'd ever think of you as a monster. Not after the last event. And there's... more than one kind of hurt.

Edited 2016-09-24 02:27 (UTC)

Well, you might not think that way if you knew... him.

[ True, Bruce could control the Hulk a lot of the times now, but if there's one thing the most recent times have shown him is that even then, he can still lose control in a very catastrophic way. ]

I liked meeting you. [ He changes the topic, in hopes she'll let it go. ] Despite the circumstances. I hope... that your life's not as difficult as it was then.

[She nods, though obviously not in agreement- more of acknowledging that he needs his alone time right now. And she was just about to offer to leave, anyway. People need space- she knows that very, very well. She stands up, preparing to leave.]

I liked meeting you, too. And I like knowing you. [She doesn't know how much she'd like him, the other guy, but Bruce is A+ in her book.] And no, life's much better now. I hope things end up better for you. Way better.

That's good. I'm glad to hear.

[ And he does mean that, smiling up at her once she stands up. He says nothing to the rest, though it's likely obvious that he doesn't share in that hope. Not right now, anyway. ]

I'll see you around, Max.

See you. [She notes the way he doesn't reply to most of what she said. But that's okay. Give him time...

She waves once as she walks away, leaving him to enjoy the rest of the sunset.]

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( open ) I toss and turn, I can't sleep at night

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