entrancelogs | [closed] This isn't violence, this is just a war in my head

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[closed] This isn't violence, this is just a war in my head

Who: Regina Mills & Michonne
Where: Michonne's room
When: August 18th
Rating: PG for discussions of certain Once Upon a Time S5 spoilers
Summary: Regina's back from her trip home and all she wants to do is break down.
The Story:

[The story is decided upon.

Regina doesn't feel great about keeping things from Emma -- Hook can stay in the dark for all she cares. It's selfish, but after everything he's done, he gets a godly favour and returned to the land of the living? She should rip his throat out and scatter his body to the winds.

But she can't. So she doesn't.

After the three of them go their separate ways, Regina lingers in her room for a few minutes until she finds the engagement ring Robin gave her. A mirror shatters in her anger, her despair, every negative emotion making her magic lash out. She can't stay here.

The door slams open with the force of her magic as she leaves.

Thankfully, it's only a short distance to Michonne's room. At least nothing else breaks by the time she knocks on the door.]

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[ Michonne hears the door slam from down the hall, and she's been waiting for this, waiting for Regina and Henry to come back. All their things were still here so she's assuming that'll happen. Neal left, and so did his things.

Unfortunately, all of Zelena's stuff got left behind too, so. It figures they'd have to still deal with her. At the knock on her door she's up, and Michonne answers first with a smile, just glad to see her friend, but it fades as soon as she sees her in obvious distress. Reaching out, she gently tugs her inside, hand on her wrist, and closes the door. ]

What happened?

[Regina lets herself be tugged inside, grateful that Michonne knows exactly what to do.]

I don't -- I don't even know where to start.

[Which says a lot. Far too much has happened in such a short amount of time that it's overwhelming. She hasn't even had time to grieve. Not really.]

[ First things first: Michonne gets a bottle of booze out of the closet and two glasses, pours them each one and after getting Regina situated on the couch, passes one over. ]

You start wherever you want. There's nowhere else I need to be. Not right now.

Thank you.

[It says a lot that Regina immediately downs the entire glass. It doesn't really help but it gives her something to focus on.]

...Robin -- He. He sacrificed himself to save me.

[Her voice breaks on the final word.]

[Oh, shit. She knew when Robin left here, it hurt but wasn't terrible because they were in love back home, headed down the same marriage path, probably. But now...

Fuck.

There aren't a lot of times Michonne hugs people, and she knows Regina's the same way, but dammit, this calls for it and without hesitation, Regina's pulled close. There's been enough death in the zombie apocalypse for Michonne to know that words rarely make anything better, so instead, she just holds onto her friend, letting her cry, letting her keep talking; hell, she can pull away if she wants and there'd be no offense. She just wants Regina to know there's someone here for her.]

[Regina isn't sure what she wants to do. But she knows she needs this, needs someone who isn't so intrinsically caught up in everything that happened.

So for a few minutes, she just slumps against Michonne and goes silent except for the rough sound of her breathing. Ever since it happened she's just been numb. Sure, there have been a few tears but it's just another way her happiness has been ripped away so violently that she'll never get it back. And then things kept happening. The funeral. Gold being Gold. Henry trying to destroy magic. Zelena getting sucked through a portal again. But that's the thing, isn't it? When things keep happening, it gives her something to focus on so the pain goes unfelt. So she doesn't have to acknowledge the hole where Robin used to be.

But all Wonderland knows is cruelty and she has no choice but to deal with it now.

The dam breaks and with it, the silence. Ordinarily she'd hate letting someone see her like this, but Michonne knows just what to do to get her walls down. So, she lets it all out. The pain, the tears, everything.]

[ Michonne never thought she was good at words and comfort, but this she can do. Death is something that's touched every single aspect of her life, it probably always will. Regina's life shouldn't be that way. There are no walkers, no virus, and still, she loses people in a way that makes Michonne wonder - unironically - if something or someone in her world has it out for Regina.

Running a soothing hand over her back, she lets Regina cry, get angry, whatever she needs to do, chin resting on her shoulder as she tucks her close. Words are paltry in death, always. The best thing she can do is this, as long as Regina needs it. ]

Edited (iconnnn) 2016-08-31 01:13 (UTC)

[Regina doesn't know how much time passes before she finally stops. She doesn't pull away from Michonne quite yet, letting out a few shuddering breaths. When she finally pulls away -- not entirely, but enough to wipe at her eyes and tiredly smile at Michonne. Regina's drained, but she feels better. As much as she can, at least.

With a tired laugh, she begins to explain.]

Hades and Zelena took over my office in Storybrooke, so we had to sneak in to get Robin's daughter back. [And it stings, thinking of baby Robin. Knowing that she'll never to know her father.] Hades knew we were there... and when he tried to kill me, Robin jumped in the way.

[ There's silence for a moment that's respect for what Regina's just said, but also Michonne trying to put all the pieces together in her head. Zelena, she knows. Hades is a new name, and she'd question whether or not Regina meant literally Hades, but someone, there's no need for clarification. Of course, it's literally Hades. ]

...Fuck.

[ Robin has a daughter? That's...it's clearly not with Regina, otherwise she would have said their daughter. There's a deep frown on her face, creasing her forehead, but she's kept a hand on Regina's, to give her some kind of tether. ]

You would've done it for him.

[ It's not a question, she already knows. Robin knew what he was doing because he loved her. That doesn't make the pain any less for Regina. ]

[She knows she could've offered more detail, and with time she likely will but at the moment the pertinent information is the how and why. A faint smile appears on her face, only to twist because;]

Of course I would have.

[But, still.]

It should have been me.

[Survivor's guilt is a powerful thing.]

That's how I feel about Andrea. Even now.

[ She says it quietly, low because she understands. God, she gets it. She felt it after her baby died, too. A hundred people could tell her neither of those were preventable, that it wasn't her fault, that shit happens, but a hundred times she'd never believe it. ]

Drink. [ Yes, she's encouraging it, and she'll take care of her. ]

What would you tell him? If he came back here, what would you say?

[Regina nods in silent understanding. It's not like people dying around her is new, but they usually die at her hand instead of for her and it should have been her.

When prompted, she drinks again. It's not really helping this time, perhaps nothing will, but that doesn't mean she isn't going to try.]

That -- [She pauses, because this is a huge question.] That I'm sorry. [She drinks again, before holding her glass out for a refill.] And that Zelena named their daughter after him, so he knows she'll always carry part of him with her. That Roland is safe with the Merry Men -- [She chokes back a sob.] There's too much.

[ ....Zelena named their daughter? What. The. Fuck?

Now isn't the time to ask clarifying questions, though, so. Michonne settles further into the couch, pulls Regina close and just holds onto her so she doesn't have to sit and carry herself strongly alone. She has support for as long as she needs it.

She wishes she were better at words. That she could say the right thing to make everything okay for Regina. ]

Yeah. Someone asked me that question once. The truth is, you'd say anything. Everything. Just because it meant you were talking to them.

[ She pours them each more, making a mental note to get up and get water soon. ]

You're worth it, you know. Being protected. You feel like it should have been you because it hurts. Believe me, I know. [ Michonne should have been right there with Andrea. ] But that doesn't mean you shouldn't be here. You're here. For a reason. You live every day because that's what he did for you.

[It's probably not a good thing that despite how strong her support system is now, she's so unused to the idea of friendship. There's Emma, sure, but even that is built on a backbone of familial relationships and through Henry. But it's not the same.

No matter what happens, she'll always be thankful for Michonne. She settles against the other woman, unable to voice how much she needs this. As Michonne talks, Regina listens, her breathing slow and steady as she tries to stay calm.]

Am I? [Michonne probably isn't expecting those to be the first words out of her mouth.] There's literally an entire book about all the horrible things I've done. The people I've killed. The lives I've destroyed. And it's not even everything.

I... [She sighs, because she knows Michonne is right.] I need another drink.

[ Michonne pours again, but this time only sips her own, letting Regina do the heavy lifting. She needs it. ]

So you think this is some karma bullshit.

[ By her tone, she clearly doesn't believe in that. ]

I'll be the first one to tell you the things you've gone through are fucked up. No one, no matter what the hell you think you've done to deserve it, should go through it as many times as you have. People dying happens. Sometimes no matter how hard you try to keep it from happening.

[ She frowns a little at that, clearing her throat. ]

Death doesn't care what you've done. It just is.

[Regina wants to snort, because of course it's karma. You don't do that much evil, create that much darkness without getting something back from the universe. She doesn't, though, because if there's one person in all of Wonderland who knows about death and why it happens, it's Michonne.

She eyes her glass, before deciding to listen to Michonne first.]

It feels like the rules are different. What kind of story is it if the villain gets a happy ending, right? Sure, you string the audience along and make them believe it can happen. [She drinks now, downing half the glass at once.] And then you tear it all away.

[She sighs, pushing the glass away.]

Maybe death is the common thread between all our worlds. No matter who you are or where you're from, death is always the same.

[Maybe if she says it enough times, she'll believe it.]

[ Michonne understands what she's saying, she does. She's quiet for a few long minutes, just contemplating it before slowly shaking her head. ]

You're in charge of your story. Which sounds like some Hallmark bullshit, but hear me out. You're right, death happens no matter where you're at. I lost my family, my fiance, my kid. I was alone. Could've stayed alone. Maybe I wanted to, but then I found Andrea. I lost her, too.

[ Stay with her, she has a point. ]

And I thought after that, I was done. The world was too cruel, I was always going to lose too much. But that's not living. There's not a person I can look at, at home or here, who hasn't lost someone or had some fucked up thing happen to them. The story changes based on if you sit and think you deserve the bullshit or you say fuck it and keep living.

So. What are you gonna do? You don't have to decide today. You get to be shitty at the world for a few days. Week, max. But then you have to make a choice.

I might believe you if I hadn't quite literally met the Author.

[It's flippant, if only because she knows Michonne has a point. Regina's more than familiar with said point, but it's so easy to fall back into old habits, to blame something out of her control for everything that's gone wrong. She sighs and shakes her head, gesturing for Michonne to continue.

She really hates it when people have a point. Once upon a time she might have made it a contest, but rationally she knows that 'zombie apocalypse' beats 'dead fiance and several other things' every time.]

And you'd be surprised by how long I can stay angry about something. [28+ years, for starters.] But you're right. Even if I want to stay angry and upset at the world, I can't. I need to be strong for Henry, and making sure he's okay is more important than letting myself stew.

[ Michonne's arm squeezes around Regina's shoulders. ]

I know words feel like bullshit when the world's being shitty right at you. But you know, Henry's the Author now. You think he wouldn't write you as the happiest damn person on the planet if he could? You know he would. Life gets in the way of so damn much. I will say this, though.

[ And she doesn't mean this flippantly at all. Maybe people have told Regina what she's about to say, but Michonne very truly means it. ]

You're the strongest person I've ever met. And that's something because I know you don't see it in yourself, but you should. You should see the fact that you're still standing.

[Regina leans into it, letting out a small breath of relief. But also, stop being right, Michonne.]

He would. He'd write all of Wonderland their happy endings if he could. [But she also knows Henry, ultimately, won't give into temptation and honestly? That makes her happier than any ending could.] You're right, I know you're right.

[But it's what Michonne says next that floors her. It's one thing to be built up by Snow White, by Henry and Emma, and another entirely to have someone like Michonne say it. For a moment, she's speechless.]

...Thank you. Meanwhile, you're the strongest person I've ever met. The world you come from... [She trails off, because really, that says it all.]

We can both be damn strong, how about that?

[ She also gets up for a moment, getting a large glass of water for each of them before sitting back down and handing one over. ]

You're gonna be okay. Just know it's okay if you aren't for a while, and I'll be here for the days you aren't.

[Regina laughs, probably for the first time in quite a while.]

Alright, that's fair.

[Perhaps unsurprisingly, Regina drains half the glass in one go.]

Thank you. For everything.

You're welcome. For everything.

[ Mission accomplished as far as Michonne's concerned. Regina laughed, and that's better than where they started from. ]

You wanna stay here tonight? Couch is comfortable.

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[closed] This isn't violence, this is just a war in my head

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