entrancelogs | things that you said are suddenly swarming.

Entry tags:

things that you said are suddenly swarming.

Who: Papyrus and Sans.
Where: Sans' room.
When: 8/26!!
Rating: ERP....???? Um. How about PG-13 for the sake of safety. Yep. Yep!
Summary: A conversation needs to be had. Questions need to be asked.
The Story:

[ Papyrus stands in front of Sans' door.

...where he's been awkwardly standing for a couple of minutes. A hand lifted to the frame, fist clenched. He can do this. Knock on the door. His feet shift a little bit, and anxiety creeps into his normally loud and bold movements.

His hand crashes down on the door firmly. Knock knock.

It isn't until the sound echoes through his skull does he realize that the possibility of Sans coming out with a horrible knock knock joke is more alive than it was before. E-erk... ]

SANS? [ he calls out his brother's name, hoping that perhaps Sans will just open the door. Like a normal person?? Is it too much to ask?? To just answer the door with a greeting? To eat normal foods and not just ketchup? To not spend a worrying amount of time out in the woods being secretive and alone? And?

...Alone? ]

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IS IT BAD TO BE SCARED...?

[ a real question. Sans jerks away, and Papyrus turns to look at him with a worried expression, hands settling on his shoulders softly. A weight. He rubs small circles as comfortingly as he can, but...

...seeing Sans like this is hard. It's so hard. Sans needs to be able to express himself in whatever way he needs to-- regardless of how uncomfortable Papyrus is with seeing him so....so vunerable. The words soak into his bones like water into a sponge. ]

WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?

[He's trying just to breathe. Trying not to completely go to pieces. Letting his eyelights go out behind his hands. Papyrus's hand on his shoulder helps ground him, helps him keep it together. Just barely.]

i'm s...supposed to be better than this. i g-got so used to it. i got used to...everything repeating. everything being routine. and...and i know it's coming. it's always coming. i'll leave, or someone else will leave, and...s-seeing it happen to chara, they've lost their brother twice n--

[No, no, no, that wasn't his secret to share, that wasn't his secret, that's not something he can just tell people, he has to, he has to back this up, he sucks in another wheezing breath, nearly chokes on his words, has to pull this back in, fix it, fix it fix it fix it--]

th-they've, i mean. back home, and here...they keep losing him--that's what i meant--

[Papyrus doesn't know, right? Even though Asriel was using vines when he attacked Alphys, he doesn't--no one knows, right? Sans isn't supposed to know.]

[Bring it back, move on, continue, don't talk about Asriel, that's not something he gets to talk about.]

--and it's. one of us will leave. it might as well be a reset. it's...it's dangerous to get used to this now. i shouldn't. i should be bracing for it.

[Bracing to lose them all. To lose Papyrus. Again, again, again.]

i don't know what...i'm doing.

[He drags his hands down his face, covers his mouth instead, stares straight ahead, or seems to. It's hard to tell with his eyelights gone.]

and all i'm doing here is worrying you. i just...i...

[He laces his fingers together in front of his face, gripping his hands far too tightly.]

i'm...scared. of losing this. and. and i know that as soon as i let myself accept that...that this is how things are, that's...haha. that's when they'll yank the rug. that's when the reset will happen. that's why...that's...ha. that's why i gave up. that's why i got used to it. why even try?

[He shifts his hands up to his forehead, still keeping them in a vice grip. His voice gets smaller, quieter.]

some brother i am, huh?

[ papyrus sits there, absorbing this information, too. quietly. silently, even. Sans' voice send chills up and down his spine. He's afraid. Sans is afraid, and it's practically tangible, and...

...

he rises to kneel in front of Sans. A determined look settles across his face. His hands are replaced on Sans' shoulders. ]

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING!! AND IT IS ALRIGHT TO BE AFRAID!! YOU ARE N LESS THE SKELETON YOU WERE TWO MINUTES AGO BY ADMITTING YOU ARE AFRAID.

AND...PLEASE. [he squeezes Sans' shoulders tightly. ] DON'T GIVE UP. THERE ARE MANY REASONS TO TRY, BUT...IF YOU HAVE NOT FOUND YOUR REASON TO CONTINUE THEN THAT IS OKAY, TOO.

FOR NOW...JUST STAY. HERE, IN WONDERLAND, WITH ME AND FRISK, AND DR. ALPHYS AND CHARA. AND MIKAN. ALL OF YOUR OTHER FRIENDS WHO CHERISH YOU AS I DO.

YOU ARE THE GREATEST BROTHER, SANS!! ...WELL, ALMOST THE GREATEST!! A VERY CLOSE SECOND BEST. NO ONE MAKES ME...

[ he pauses, looking down. a hand scratches his jawline. He seems a little awkward. ]

IN EVERYTHING--GROWING UP AND LIVING TOGETHER IN SNOWDIN AND MOVING HERE...YOU HAVE PROTECTED ME, ALWAYS. BY LIE OR TRUTH. AND I AM NOT ALWAYS AS VOCALLY GRATEFUL AS I SHOULD BE BUT!!! I APPRECIATE YOU AS MY BROTHER!! AND NO ONE COULD BE A BETTER BROTHER TO ME THAN YOU!!

IT IS OKAY TO FEEL...UNCOMFORTABLE. AND ANXIOUS, AND WORRIED, BUT...IT IS ALSO OKAY TO TALK ABOUT IT. ESPECIALLY WITH ME!!

[Papyrus gets to his feet and for one blindingly terrifying second Sans thinks that he's just going to walk out. That a lazy, annoying, exhausting, garbage brother is bad enough to put up with, but that a pathetic, shivering brother who won't shut up about stupid things is just not even worth it anymore. And he's not, is he? He just admitted to getting used to it. He just admitted that he got used to losing his own brother, the most important person in his entire world. And he did, in a lot of ways. How many times did he stop and look down and see a red scarf fluttering in the wind and gray almost invisible in the snow and sigh and think, "this again." This again.]

[It hurt, it must have, he can't imagine it not hurting, every single time, but he still got used to it. Took it as a given. Told the human not to fight his brother, threatened them, and did nothing else. Absolutely nothing else.]

[But Papyrus doesn't leave. He kneels down in front of Sans so that Sans has to look at him, so that for once, Sans is the one looking down at his brother. He doesn't leave. He doesn't leave. He's still here. Against all odds, he's still here.]

[For now. And he keeps telling himself, after all, that now is the only thing that matters. But that's mostly because the future has never been a thing until now.]

[And then Papyrus says something, and Sans feels something break. His eyesockets widen. His eyelights flicker back, as dim and small as far off stars. There's a roaring sound in his skull.]

no. [He reaches up, wraps his hands around Papyrus's wrists, not tightly, just holding on, holding on for dear life, making his presence known.] no, no. no, bro, please, that's not--that's not what i gave up on. i--i gave up on--on a lot of things, but that wasn't--

[This is why it happened the first time. This is why he spilled everything to Frisk, because he got back and finally looked at that stupid goddamn post he made, looked at their string of comments, watched them slide deeper and deeper into panic and terror, reading Are flowers poisonous to skeletons? and feeling his magic twist, starting to shake when he read Please don't be away for too long. Or try to hurt yourself.]

[The feeling of something crushing his soul when he read And don't kill yourself.]

[Wasn't careful enough. i only did it once. please forget that last part. So stupid. Wasn't careful. They'd guessed it, gleaned it, could recognize it because it was in themselves, it was in Chara, it was in Alphys, it was everywhere, all around them. Read him like a goddamn open book, the way he always does to them. Not so fun when the tables are turned, is it, Sans? Not so great when all eyes are on you, when everyone else is judging you instead of just yourself, is it? Taste of your own nasty medicine.]

that's not what i gave up on. that's not--that's not what i meant--i'm--i'd never do that to you, papyrus. never. you're the reason. you're always the reason, bro. it's always you.

[please don't ever tell papyrus]

[He feels sick.]

please trust me. i wouldn't lie to you about this. i...you have to believe me. i wouldn't give up. i won't give up. not like that. i...want to stay. i want to be here, i just...i can't remember how. i don't know how to...i'm not...papyrus, i'm not...

[His voice breaks.]

i'm not okay and i don't know how to be okay. i don't know how to just...i don't think i've ever known. it's not just wonderland. not just resets. i don't...know. how.

[ sans touches his wrists, emotion floods his expression, and Papyrus feels himself crumpling too. Sans, weakly trying to spurt out his feelings like an infant trying to walk for the first time, and it's painful. It hurts. Papyrus finds himself hurting for Sans. Sharing this seemingly new and open feeling of panic, and raw energy.

Sans is trying to comfort him, and Papyrus feels...crushed. Weak explainations that aren't comforting, but...are extremely so. This side of Sans is welcomed as lovingly as Papyrus can without breaking, himself.

Sans says he wants to stay, and Papyrus sucks in a breath. Words like swift punches to the face. ]

I DON'T THINK THAT THERE'S A WAY FOR ANYONE TO BE COMPLETELY OKAY. [ he speaks honestly, dropping what usual greatness schpeal he would adorn in conversation. ] OFTEN TIMES WHEN I AM OVERWHELMED...AND I FEEL NOT OKAY, I THINK OF...

...YOU. AND OUR FRIENDS. THERE ARE MANY PEOPLE WHO RELY ON US, WHETHER WE ARE OKAY, OR NOT OKAY...

[ he thinks of a small human in a library. a green sweater in the kitchen-- a lost child in the forest. ]

I AM SOMETIMES NOT OKAY. BUT...I FIND HAPPINESS AND PEACE IN KNOWING THAT YOU AND ALL OF OUR FRIENDS ARE NEARBY AND SAFE.

AND...THAT IS OKAY. SOMETIMES IT... TAKES ME A VERY LONG TIME TO STAND ON MY OWN! AND SOMETIMES IT TAKES ME A VERY SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME. BUT I HAVE THE LOVE OF MY FRIENDS, NEW AND OLD, TO HELP ME NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES...

...JUST LIKE YOU DO.

[ his thoughts tumble out. private things, papyrus' inner thoughts. he considers the times when he's laid awake in a bed after Sans has left-- his brother isn't okay, and...he feels guilt and fear and wants everything to be 'okay', but just doesn't know how, beyond just being 'okay' himself.

he'd force himself to be 'okay' any day of the week to see Sans feel alright. ]

[Papyrus isn't even surprised. He's not surprised at all. Has he known this entire time?]

[How long has he been waiting for Sans to just say it?]

[Papyrus's admission that he isn't always okay hurts, just like it did the first time. Just like the first time Sans realized that things were going to change between them. It hurts. All of this hurts, and it's all Sans can do not to just start crying. He won't. He refuses.]

that's...what i try to do. but. hah. people...shouldn't rely on me. [He grins helplessly.] i've let them all down. frisk, chara, toriel, max...you.

[It's all he's ever done. All he's good for. Breaking promises and being a disappointment.]

[Just wasn't ready for the responsibility.]

i lean on all of you. it's not...fair to you. no one should have to put up with me. especially like this.

[He's an adult, right? Adults are supposed to be able to stand on their own. Adults are supposed to have their shit together. He's the big brother. He's supposed to be someone that Papyrus can, haha, look up to.]

[He leans forward slightly.]

you...believe me, though. right? that i wouldn't do that. even at m-my worst. i wouldn't.

[Never again.]

[ Papyrus shakes his head at the first admissions. Sans, letting people down. Details are a rarity, and he decides to not delve for them, but he leans forward a little, too, as if trying to make his point more clear. ]

SANS, IF YOU HAVE LET OTHERS DOWN, THEN...WOULD THE NEXT STEP NOT BE TRYING TO MAKE IT RIGHT?? [ his voice is coated in a thick layer of worry, but...Sans needs to hear the truth. ]

WE DO NOT PUT UP WITH YOU BECAUSE WE HAVE TO...WE PUT UP WITH YOUR LAZINESS AND TERRIBLE JOKES, AND YOU...BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU, SANS. YOU ARE NOT...'PUT UP WITH'. YOU ARE APPRECIATED...AND LOVED!! WHAT REASON DO I HAVE TO LIE TO YOU?

[ Sans leans forward now, and Papyrus slowly brings him into a soft embrace, holding onto him as if he'd never let go.

I'm here.

I'm here.

with a soft squeeze, he continues. ]

ALWAYS, I HAVE BELIEVED IN YOU, AND I WILL ALWAYS BELIEVE IN YOU! I PROMISE.

[ sincere. from the center of his soul, he speaks. ]

I HAVE NO REASON TO DISBELIEVE YOU. YOU MAY HAVE REASONS YOU THINK I MIGHT, BUT...PLEASE, DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM. I WILL ALWAYS, ALWAYS BELIEVE IN YOU.

[Make it right. Fix it. Obviously, of course, that's what decent people do. They try to fix it, try to make it up to people. Except Sans gave up on fixing anything a long time ago. One of many things he gave up on.]

what if it can't be fixed? apologizing isn't enough. i've...when i try to fix things, i make it worse.

[Just look how badly he's hurt Chara and Frisk.]

[You are not put up with. You are appreciated and loved. He doesn't understand. Papyrus is incredible. He should hate Sans, hate him for everything Sans has done and failed to do, but he doesn't. He's still here. Still here.]

you deserve better. all of you do.

[And is deciding to be better that simple? Do you just decide? Like one day you wake up and say "today's the day I start to be a better person, the kind of person my loved ones deserve"? It can't be that simple. Wanting to be better isn't enough. Trying and constantly failing isn't enough.]

maybe if I try harder. just pretend harder. i could do that.

[Solves nothing. Just furthers the problem. He's so confused. Lost.]

[Papyrus closes the distance between them and Sans goes limp in his arms, burying his face in Papyrus's scarf and trembling. Shaking like a babybones. He's such a damn mess.]

why can't i...just be better?

[Pathetic, god, he's so pathetic, shaking in his little brother's arms and desperately trying to understand the complete wasteland that is his life. He hasn't felt like this since he was a kid.]

[He makes a sound into Papyrus's scarf, like a sob.]

why can't i just be better?

[ anguish. it's evolving-- and Papyru sknows he's getting somewhere when Sans falls limp into his arms.

you deserve better. ]

I...DON'T WANT BETTER??? YOU DON'T HAVE TO PRETEND WHEN YOU ARE HURTING AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO??

YOU ARE THE BEST AS YOU ARE, SANS. [ he squeezes Sans tighter, face resting in the crook of Sans' neck. He recalls a time when he was lost in waterfall, and carried home, and the scent of this jacket-- ketchup and a little bit of must-- lulled him to sleep. The love of an older brother patient and wise beyond his years, who...selflessly raised Papyrus on his own. Worked strange jobs. Suffered in an endless loop of spacetime.

He couldn't even remember the last time he had a birthday.

Papyrus remembers so clearly, and it just...doesn't seem fair. Sans sobs into his scarf, and Papyrus can only let him, holding him tight. ]

DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN I SHOWED YOU MY PLATE FOR THE FIRST TIME? [ he tries, hand running soft circles on his back. ] AND YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU WEREN'T MY BROTHER. AND I...

...I TOLD YOU THAT WAS IMPOSSIBLE. BECAUSE YOU ARE MY BROTHER. NO MATTER WHERE YOU'RE FROM, OR WHAT YOU REMEMBER, OR WHAT I REMEMBER, I KNOW YOU ARE SANS, AND I KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU AS MUCH AS I WOULD HAVE LOVED ANY OTHER VERSION OF SANS-- AS MUCH AS I WILL EVER LOVE ANY VERSION OF SANS.

IF YOU CANNOT BELIEVE YOURSELF, THEN...BELIEVE IN ME.

BELIEVE IN ME WHEN I TELL YOU THAT YOU ARE VERY GREAT, WITHOUT NEEDING TO BE BETTER.

[ it hurts, giving this sort of talk. having to convince Sans so heavily. Having to hold him and convince him that he is perfect just the way he is...not because he's the older brother.

Because wouldn't anyone hate to see their most precious friend hurting this way? ]

[I don't want better.]

[You don't have to pretend.]

[You are the best as you are.]

[He can't. He can't hold himself together anymore. He told himself he wouldn't cry, but...hah. When has he ever really managed to keep a promise, anyway?]

[It starts quiet, just hitching breaths, small sobs, tears, but Papyrus keeps talking, he keeps talking, he keeps going, and in the face of so much unconditional love Sans just...can't. Can't pretend he's anything but what he is.]

[And what he is is not okay.]

[And what he is is broken.]

[And what he is is hurting.]

[And what he is is loved.]

[It's like a goddamn light at the end of the tunnel, startling, blinding, something he never expected to see again, an actual end, not the kind that drops off into darkness but the kind that has Papyrus waiting. Because Papyrus is always there, Papyrus is always waiting, Papyrus always comes back, no matter how many Resets there are, no matter how many times he leaves Wonderland, no matter what. And it's not really an end, because it doesn't stop, but...]

[It's a light. And Sans can actually see it, for the first time in what feels like centuries, maybe for the first time in his whole life.]

[He comes apart. He tries to hold himself back at least a little, not be too noisy, but it's not exactly pretty. It's the hardest, the worst he's cried in years, since a night when he came home and knocked on a door and expected Papyrus to not be there anymore, to be gone, nonexistent, like everyone else important was nonexistent, but he opened the door and there he was, there he was, there he always is. There he always is, the light at the end of the tunnel, and Sans can't believe it took him this long to fully realize it. Thought he knew what Papyrus meant to him. Thought he knew what he was really saying when he said that Papyrus was his reason for continuing. That Papyrus was his reason why he would never go seek that drop into the dark ever again.]

[How wrong he was. He had no idea.]

[And who cares about the goddamn handplate? Who cares if he's the wrong Sans? There isn't a single Sans out there in the vast multiverse who deserves his Papyrus, he's certain of that. At the end of the day, all that matters is that Sans-es are Sans-es and Papyrus-es are Papyrus-es.]

[Brothers.]

[No matter what. Mirrors be damned.]

[It's gross, really. He's hiccuping against Papyrus's clavicle, probably soaking his scarf with tears, and damn, at least skeletons don't have to put up with snot and such, otherwise this would be downright disgusting. It almost makes him laugh right in the middle of his breakdown. God, what a mess. What a damn mess he is.]

[Somewhere in the midst of it all he gets enough air to actually speak.]

d-don't say it enough. but. i l-love you, bro. i love you. you're--the best d-damn thing that ever happened to me.

[And this won't change everything, and this won't magically make everything okay, and when this is over he'll still be a mess, still be a broken little skeleton, but...]

[Whatever. Whatever. This has been a long time coming. Years and timelines and endless Resets. Everything collapses all at once. It all comes out, all the misery he tried to hide and pretend away. It hurts and he feels so pathetic and gross but, god, it's a release. Finally. At last.]

[Believe in me. And Sans does. With every part of him.]

[He holds tight to his brother and breaks down.]

[ Sans breaks down, and hearing that sound-- the door of his soul opening up and releasing these emotions, puts Papyrus back in his younger body.

it's like a child seeing their parent cry-- someone who they ultimately look up to breaking down in front of them. He was (somewhat) prepared. He was (somewhat) ready...he talked himself into being strong for him, but the moment that Sans starts crying, Papyrus is crying too. Gloved hands digging into the fabric of Sans' jacket, he rests his head against Sans' and lets his shoulders shake like a babybones.

would you believe he also thinks about how vile and disgusting it would be if sans was coating his scarf in snot? he wants to laugh, but it escapes him on the ride that is getting a handle on himself. Sans speaks in hiccups and Papyrus pulls him as close as he can into his arms, nodding against his head. ]

I-I KNOW.. [ he tries to sound normal, but he's a mess, too. relief washes over him in several forms that he certainly wasn't expecting to deal with. A small laugh escapes him. ] I ALSO LOVE YOU, SANS. [ he tries to stop the water escaping his eyes, but his hands are so firmly embedded in Sans' jacket that he just gives up on it. ]

IT'S O-OKAY... [ he thinks back, what feels like millions of years ago- when he cried like this- and Sans hugged him tight and rubbed his back and told him exactly that. It's okay.

it has come full circle. ]

[Papyrus starts crying and Sans can't even hate himself like usual, can't kick himself for making his brother cry again. Maybe they both need this. Maybe they just need a moment to stop pretending.]

[He holds on tighter, the sobs starting to come in hiccups and coughs. It's all coming out too fast. It's exhausting. He forgot how much crying makes his head hurt.]

i'm s-sorry. i'm sorry about a-all this.

[It's just been so long. It's been so hard. And he'll probably remember to hate himself for this later, but...fuck it.]

[He cries until he has nothing left. It takes awhile. Then he just clings to his brother, sniffling into his scarf. Here comes the headache. He's...exhausted. Worn out, drained.]

[ above him, Papyrus shakes his head softly, squeezing Sans a little tighter. His scarf is probably drenched...he decides to care about it when it's not being occupied by Sans. ]

YOU D-DON'T HAVE A SINGLE THING TO BE SORRY FOR, BROTHER!

[ it takes him a moment to fix his voice-- carry it like normal. Sans just needs...normal. And not the weird, time-warpy normal that he'd become used to back home. he deserves to wake up and greet a new day and enjoy it in whatever weird, lazy way he decides-- though Papyrus would like to see him more active...

For now, he rests his hand on top of Sans' head and gives it a loving and comforting little stroke.

I'm here.

Everything will be okay. ]

I AM HAPPY THAT YOU ARE H-HERE...

I AM HAPPY THAT YOU ARE HERE AND SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE WHO KNOW THAT YOU ARE GREAT IN YOUR OWN, BAFFLINGLY LAZY WAY.

AND WHO REALIZE THAT I, TOO, AM VERY GREAT!! NYEH HEH!!

[ he's smiling, still a little teary eyed.

what a pair, they are. ]

[He gives a tremulous sigh into Papyrus's scarf, trying to pull himself back together. Pick up the pieces. His head hurts. A large part of him just wants to fall asleep right now.]

[Nothing to apologize for. Heh. It's objectively untrue, but oh well.]

well, i'm at least...sorry. for making a huge mess of your scarf. heh.

[Seriously, the poor thing is soaked. Who decided skeletons should be able to cry, anyway? It doesn't even make sense.]

[But this is...nice. This doesn't happen often, almost never. Sans might need comfort or affirmation from Papyrus now and then, but he rarely cries, never breaks down like this, never just...let's himself be as weak and sad as he really is. But this isn't so bad. It's what he imagines it would be like to actually be the little brother for a change. Or to be a child with parents that actually gave a damn.]

i'm...hhh. i'm glad too. we...heh. we kind of...really lucked out, huh?

[They have each other. It's still scary, still absolutely terrifying, the idea of facing the potential future, but at least Sans isn't alone.]

[For now.]

i'm...sorry too, about. i know i've been...weird lately. about the thing on your hand.

[Maybe it's not the best time to bring it up, but...Sans needs to mention it. Needs to apologize, just...just in case something does happen. Just in case this all really does end up torn away from him the next time he wakes up.]

[He just needs Papyrus to know.]

it doesn't matter. only thing that matters is that we're brothers. should've just...focused on that. should've known from the start.

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things that you said are suddenly swarming.

JOY BREAK!

SEX BREAK APPARENTLY LMFAO

YOU STOP THAT!!! RITE NOW!!!

[cw suicide stuff] Y'ALL ARE THE ONES WHO CAME INTO A PLURK WITH A POOP EMOJI

no subject

no subject

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open the floodgates

I'M NOT READY

NO ONE IS READY

IT'S BEEN ALMOST A MONTH AND I'M STILL NOT READY

i'm not even remotely okay