entrancelogs | Haven't You Noticed Me Drifting...

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Haven't You Noticed Me Drifting...

Who: Billy Kaplan

actualwizard and Teddy Altman

hulk_ling
Where: Their room
When: Forward dated to Tuesday August 11th
Rating: PG-13 for language
Summary: A very serious conversation...
The Story:

He's standing outside their bedroom door for what feels like hours, even if it's just closer to ten minutes. He knows Teddy is in there, did a locator spell- and isn't he glad to have his powers back after the past horrific event.

When he left Sam he had been angry. Angry enough to feel tiny sparks dancing across his finger tips. He had every intention in the world of finding Teddy right then and demanding answers, but something had stopped him. A voice in the back of his head (which sounded annoyingly like Cami) told him to calm down first. So he went for a run (Bucky would be proud) to clear his head.

Now here he was, afraid to open the door and to face exactly what he- what they had been avoiding for the last few months. He had a feeling this was going to be the hardest conversation he was ever going to have. He took a deep breath and steeled himself, he was supposed to be braver than this, and pushed the door open walking in.

"I think we need to talk."

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Teddy had been sitting on the couch, a book in his hand but he wasn't reading it. The pages hadn't been turned. He continued to stare at the same paragraph over and over again, unable to really focus. His mind kept drifting to the moment when the last thing he heard was a loud bang and then... nothing.

God, how could it be nothing? Was it the fact that he was stuck in Wonderland even after death? He sincerely hoped so because if there was nothing after this then Teddy didn't know how he was going to reconcile that with what he had always believed. That there was something after, a better place. Isn't that what he'd always told himself was where his mother had gone? And now there was a lingering doubt that left him feel numb.

Billy opened the door and he immediately sat up straighter, putting a smile on his face. But one look at Billy's face and he knew that now wasn't the time for fake grins and pretending that everything was just fine. "Yeah, I guess we do," he said with a sigh, shifting over on the sofa, fully expecting Billy to sit down next to him.

Billy closed the door behind him and leaned back against it. He studied Teddy, took in the fake smile on his face. How long had they been giving each other fake smiles? He felt a pain in his chest, and he had to clear his voice before he could speak.

"I spoke with Sam."

Shit.

Teddy took a deep breath. He should have said something sooner but... how did you bring up to your boyfriend that you asked to be killed? Billy would have understood. But... he hadn't been there.

"So, I guess you know," Teddy said slowly. "I'm sorry. I should have said something but when I came back... I didn't know how to bring it up."

BIlly could understand that, but they should have been able to talk about this. Teddy should have been able to come to him for help, he should have been there for Teddy.

"I asked you how you were after I couldn't find you Sunday night. Then might have been a good time. I mean god, Teddy. You died, and I didn't know. I had to hear about it from Sam?"

"Why should I worry you when it's a moot point?"

Immediately Teddy knew it was the wrong thing to say. Hadn't he lost his mind when he found Billy? He wanted to protect Billy from that feeling of having someone ripped away from you only, except, not. It all seemed particularly useless now that he'd lived it.

"I was going to tell you. I asked Sam not to say anything until I came back. I'm sorry you had to find out that way."

Billy blinks at him, the words slicing through him. "Because I'm your boyfriend. Because I should have been the first person you told. Because I went through this and I could have helped!"

He takes a deep breath, his voice cracking when he speaks. "I don't- I. Teddy I don't know whats happened to us."

"How could you have helped? Did you really want to be the one to pull the trigger?"

The hurtful words kept falling out of his mouth before he could stop them. He really wasn't in the best frame of mind for this conversation. Still, Billy needed an explanation, even if Teddy really didn't know what to tell him.

"I think the problem is right in front of us. It's this - the fact that you're standing at the door having this conversation with me. Is there a reason you don't want to be next to me right now?"

"Of course not." His words are quiet. "But I would have been there when you woke up."

He looks down at his feet and wraps his arms around himself. He didn't want to sit near Teddy because if he did he didn't think he would have the strength to do what needed to be done, to say what needed to be said.

"I'm- I don't want to sit next to you right now. I'm not happy, Teddy."

"I didn't expect you to be happy about it," Teddy said, watching Billy closely. "But there wasn't anything you could do." I was thinking of you. Why couldn't he say that out loud?

"I... don't know what else I can say. It happened. It's Wonderland. It was bound to happen, eventually."

"If I hadn't found out, were you ever going to tell me?" Or was this going to be another thing they never spoke about. Another wedge shoved in between them. "And don't lie to me."

"Of course I was going to tell you," Teddy said, a little shocked that Billy would assume that Teddy would keep it a secret. "Would you have told me you died had I not found you?"

"Of course I would have. Thats not something I would have kept from you." Billy isn't surprised he asked that of him, it felt like somewhere along the way they had stopped speaking. It was like going through the motions of what they always had done without any of the actual substance of the relationship they used to have.

"Then what are we really talking about? It can't be the fact that I died and haven't told you. It only happened two days ago. Even you weren't ready to talk about what happened that quickly. Hell, you've still never really let me help you. You've turned to everyone else in this place except for me. But that's ok -because that's what you needed, right?"

Teddy looked expectantly at Billy. "Please tell me you weren't telling me one thing while waiting for me to do the opposite. That you really wanted me to continue to be a touch overprotective. Because if that's the case then I can't read you at all, B. I feel like I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. I'm either too clingy or too distant. I can't find the middle ground that will make you happy."

Billy stares at him for a moment. "I haven't actually talked to anyone about that. So I don't know who you think I've turned to except you. I didn't want you to be over protective. But you seem to have two settings since we've been here. Overbearing or never around." He takes a breath because this isn't how he wanted this to go. Not this way.

"I- somewhere along the way- I stopped." How do you tell someone you love this? "I stopped missing you. You were never around and then I stopped noticing. And now I feel guilty for liking it better when we aren't together."

Edited 2015-08-11 02:57 (UTC)

Billy might as well have struck him. The numb feeling spread out from his chest. This couldn't be happening, could it?

"You like it when I'm not around," Teddy repeated. "That is what you just said. You stopped caring that I wasn't next to you or that we rarely spoke for weeks on end. That you actually enjoyed the fact that you didn't think about me at all."

Teddy was silent for a brief moment. He remembered what Billy's mirror had told him and hated the fact that he ad been right.

"Do you even love me anymore?"

He feels like the worst person in the world right now. Hurting Teddy was always something he never wanted to do, but there was no way to avoid it.

"Of course I love you." He moves to take a step closer to Teddy but hesitates. "I will always love you, T. I don't think I could ever not love you. But right now...I'm not sure I'm in love with you. Not right now." It hurts to say, a pain slicing through his chest and his voice catches in his throat. But at the same time it's like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. He had no idea how long he had been carrying that around, but it must have been for a while.

It's like a bad dream. A nightmare. Maybe he hadn't come back at all. Maybe this was hell for whatever sin he'd committed - for turning his back on Billy when he needed him the most. Teddy couldn't look at him any longer for fear he might break out in tears, beg, plead and otherwise humiliate himself in front of Billy.

He felt like a complete failure. There was only one good thing in his life and somehow he'd fucked it up. It took him a few moments before he could find his voice. "What do you want to do?" he asked, his voice thick. "Is this over?"

Watching Teddy fall apart was the worst thing he could possibly imagine. He wanted to take it back, tell him he was wrong and get that look of complete devastation off Teddy's face, but that would be a lie, and he couldn't live like this anymore. They couldn't live like this anymore. This time he did move away from the door, tears in his eyes as he took a seat next to Teddy and put a hand on his arm.

"I think for now, it has to be." And now he couldn't stop the tears from falling down his cheeks. "I think we both need to figure some things out. I need some space - I. I'm so sorry Teddy. I never wanted-" His voice cut off, tears preventing him to say anything else.

The last time they had been like this Teddy let Billy cry and turned his back. Now, even though the end result was the same, he couldn't let this play out the same way. He put his arm around Billy and pulled him close, kissing the top of his head. Even though it was over, Teddy didn't care. He needed this - one last time.

"Stop," he said. "If you need this then that's what we'll do. I don't like it. I wish there was another way but if you feel better without us..."

Teddy sighed, his own face wet with tears. "I guess I'll have to learn to live with it."

Billy nodded burying his face in Teddy's shoulder for a moment, like he always did when he needed comfort. The last time he was going to be able to for a while.

"I just, I really want to know what its like to just be me for once. We've been BillyandTeddy since we were sixteen and thats been amazing but somewhere in there I forgot who I was. The last few months I've been starting to figure that out again. I know its selfish. I'm sorry."

"Take your time," Teddy said, already pushing through the worst of the emotions. They'd been down this road before. They got through it. They would get through it again.

"Figure yourself out. I'll always be here. It's not as if I'm going anywhere. We do share a room."

Billy pulled back. "We're breaking up, Teddy." He thought that was fairly obvious. "We probably shouldn't share a room anymore."

Oh. Right. His brain hadn't caught up to the fact that they were breaking up. He was trying to salvage something out of this experience. In hindsight, thinking they were still going to be roommates was probably dumb even for him.

"Ok. I mean, I get it. I can help you pack..."

Teddy trailed off as he saw the look cross Billy's face. Suddenly, it hit him what Billy was implying and it felt like he'd been punched in the stomach again.

"You want me to move out?"

'Well, I mean. It's my room." Billy said rubbing the back of his neck and feeling like even more of an ass.

"Your room."

Teddy sat back, still in shock. Yes, it had been Billy's room first before Teddy arrived in Wonderland but hadn't they made it theirs? They'd lived together for at least a year and now it was back to being Billy's room.

"I guess I was pretty stupid to think that any of this was mine," Teddy said, hurt and more than a touch angry. "Because you're right. This was your room first. I'm just an intruder. So sure. You can have it back again. You can have the room back and your life back before I showed up."

He stood up, the last pieces of restraint falling away. He couldn't believe this was happening and it showed, his skin flashing green as he shifted unconsciously.

Billy winced. He hadn't meant it like that. "Teddy. I didn't mean it like that. I just, I mean- this was the room I picked when I first got here. I decorated I-." This was not at all coming out how he wanted it to. No wonder they had such a hard time communicating, Billy was terrible at it.

"You were never an intruder. That's not fair."

"No, I was just an unwanted boyfriend who showed up and put a cramp in your style."

That wasn't fair either (also, 'cramp in your style'? What year was this? 1996?) but Teddy was far too overwhelmed that nothing Billy could say would calm him. "Keep the room," he said. "I don't want it anyway. It would remind me of you and that's the last thing we both need - a reminder of our broken relationship. I'll go find some other place to stay."

"Teddy." Billy sighed. "You know that's not true. You didn't show up and 'put a cramp in my style'." (Really Teddy?)

"You can't tell me that this wasn't coming. We have been moving towards this since before we got here. Since-." Since Teddy left him the first time.

"Just say it. Since I needed a break of my own. Because I needed to get away from whatever mindfuck Loki was working on me. The one thing you can't ever forgive me for no matter how many times I've tried to apologize. I was wrong but it doesn't matter anymore because it's still there and you keep waiting for me to walk away again."

Teddy was breathing hard, his emotions playing out on his skin as it rippled in a kaleidoscope of colors. It was always the worst when he was angry and hurt. His mother had taught him how to control it but she wasn't around to help him with this.

"I'm not perfect. I don't care what everyone says. I've never been perfect. I messed up big time. I only wished you could forgive me. I'm only human."

Teddy laughed then, sadly, before he shrugged his shoulders. "No, I'm not. Forget it. I'll find a place to stay. I'll give you your space. When you want to get back together... if you want to get back together... I'm not going anywhere. Or who knows? Maybe I'll disappear from Wonderland and you won't have to worry about any of this."

Billy sighed. "Teddy. I have forgiven you for that. Thats not what this is about. I understand why you did that and I forgave you a long time ago." He stood walking closer to Teddy, wanting to comfort him even though he was the one doing this.

"I've never asked you to be perfect." None of this was helping. They could go around in the same circles all day.

"If you want the room you can have it, I can move. It's just a room. I don't want you to disappear, T. I'm still- I still care about you."

Teddy didn't move, caught between stepping back and giving Billy the space he needed and selfishly wanting Billy to hold him. "Please don't say that because I'm hurt," he said softly. "Because we say one thing and think another just to save the other person's feelings. I don't want to hurt you, B. I love you. I will always be in love with you. But that's the problem. I don't want to let you go even though it's probably for the best."

"I don't care about the room either. I'm not going anywhere. I just... I need to get my head on straight after this."

"I'm not, I promise." Billy told him stepping closer and then moving in, wrapping his arms around Teddy in a hug. "I love you too, Teddy. Please don't think I don't. I just need this right now. And I hope one day you'll understand why. The last thing I ever wanted to do in this world was hurt you, but it also isn't fair to stay in a relationship that isn't doing anything for either of us anymore. We never talk. And thats both our faults. Maybe we both need to move on for a little while."

He pulled back and leaned up, kissing Teddy on the cheek before moving away entirely. "I can get out of your way if you want to pack up alone or whatever."

"Can I come back for my things?" Teddy asked, trying not to let his voice break or hitch. "I... I need to find a new place first. I don't want to carry around a cardboard box in the halls. People might think we broke up or something."

He was trying for a joke but it fell flat. It was time to make his exit. He reached out for Billy's hand, giving him one last squeeze. "I'll text you tonight. I should have a place lined up by then."

Billy nodded. "Yeah, whenever you want to. You can come by whenever." This was really happening, it felt weird, like he still couldn't wrap his head around it. Was this how it was supposed to go? Breaking up with someone?

He squeezed Teddy's hand back and then let it fall. His throat felt right as he watched Teddy turn and head for the door. He wanted to say something, anything, but he was afraid that if he opened his mouth he would just break down and that wasn't something he wanted to do, not yet. The door closed behind Teddy and Billy sat back on the couch staring at the closed door. He sat there silently letting tears fall down his cheeks and it was a long time before he moved again.

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Haven't You Noticed Me Drifting...

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