[CLOSED] ▫ 等不到天黑 不敢凋謝的花蕾… ▫

[jivitadana]

Who: Seta Souji [eatsyourscience] and Arisato Minato [jivitadana]
Where: Sixth Floor, Room 101
When: Wednesday, January 18 evening
Rating: PG at most for conversation
Summary: There's a slight problem with being alive when one's supposed to be dead
The Story:

It wasn't supposed to go this way.

Minato had considered himself fortunate. The past year at home had been the best year, his most memorable and happiest year. He had forged so many unbreakable bonds. He and his friends had accomplished something greater than anything they could have ever imagined. And in the end, he had found the answer to life's greatest question. Not a lot of people could say that. There wasn't much more he could ask for and nothing else that he wanted.

But then again, Wonderland hadn't factored into his life at all then.

But now that it had, it had opened too many new doors. Everything was supposed to come to a complete close. His journey had a distinct start and an even clearer finish, defined by those parameters and within the boundaries of the one-year span in the form of a contract. Those new doors though inevitably led to too many new questions that Minato didn't ever have to consider until now. After that one year, Minato was left with only one responsibility. It was an important responsibility, and he had no intention at all of ever thinking that it wasn't.

He had almost no choice. He did choose to give up his soul and become the Great Seal. He would do it again in a heartbeat. Choosing not to do that would eliminate everything and everyone that made his last year so precious.

The problem now though was that he was alive.

He was alive and could now look back at what he had done, analyze every detail about it, scrutinize all the factors that led up to his decision, replay it in his head. He thought it was intriguing that even though something inside of him, close to his heart, mind and, of course, deep in his soul, told him that looking back wasn't always the best idea, he had to do so now. Did he have much choice?

He was alive. It was like cheating. It wasn't supposed to go this way.

Minato hadn't left his room after the event that left him without his Evoker and had bombarded him with visions out of the past, a life lived through endless war and by the sword. There was no explanation for his absence where there should have been one. He could save the explanation by having it spoken instead. For once. He didn't need it documented on an impersonal electronic device either.

If it had to be documented, it could be scrawled on the one place that he never even dreamed could or would exist: The other sea of the soul.

But not right now.

A slow breath left him as he looked out the window, the snow on the ground, the sky going from clear blue to tinged with orange from the setting sun, his hand holding the curtain open. He had his silver earphones on, his mp3 player going through the tracks at random, but as much as he liked his music, he wasn't really listening. Instead he ended up thinking instead, thinking along the lines of his first day here, that he could actually think, see, hear, breathe, just everything to indicate that he was alive. He had his soul and parts of it restored to him too. He couldn't imagine either what it meant then when his soul needed to be elsewhere.

Being alive too meant that he could dream about it. He could dream about where he was supposed to be right now.

It really wasn't supposed to go this way.

Comments

[eatsyourscience]

After weeks of daily contact, Minato's absence was conspicuous. The last event had been jarring for them both, though, and Souji gave him some space, some time.

But not much.

Now, after leaving the diner for the evening, he stopped at Minato's door, just across from his own and knocked. The sound was confident and so was his stance and his expression. But under all of that, he was uncertain. He could only guess what was wrong, but there were a lot of guesses swimming in his mind.

"Minato?"

His voice was it's normal tone, normal volume as he spoke through the door.

[jivitadana]

He knew that knock. Minato turned his head slightly as if to acknowledge that he had heard it, let alone the voice that carried across the door.

After a moment or so, after turning off his mp3 player and removing his earphones, Minato pulled himself away from the window to go open the door. If he didn't open it, then that'd make Souji even more worried and he didn't need to do more of that to him, although he most likely was, at this rate.

He looked at his friend in greeting, then let him inside before closing the door.

"Sorry."

He could put that out there now since he was going to have to do it again in so many words.

[eatsyourscience]

Souji shook his head as he stepped inside. He glanced around and it was like it always was, just like he remembered it.

"What's going on?" He didn't want to mince words, but his tone was soft, gentle.

[jivitadana]

Where to start? Minato did gesture though to Souji that he could sit where he liked. For now, Minato was going to be standing.

"I didn't help you at all."

He had to rely on Souji to help him through that last event. It didn't need to be said that Minato had lacked his Evoker and that rendered him useless to do anything, except to be a burden.

[eatsyourscience]

Souji took a seat on the edge of Minato's bed, near its foot. He rested his elbows on his thighs, looking up at Minato from there.

"I wasn't much help either." Convinced he was a member of the Shinsen Gumi had kept him from being.

Minato's not having had his Evoker with him didn't cross Souji's mind. They'd talked about it at the onset of the event, but it had quickly been forgotten as things progressed. Even if it hadn't, Minato wouldn't have been a burden. He knew what to do when things got dangerous and he could hold his own in a fight. With Souji to back him up, they would both have been fine.

[jivitadana]

"It's inconvenient to you."

That was one of the issues Minato had with it. If any of them were injured, Minato couldn't heal them. Even with the past event where he also thought he was part of the Shinsengumi, Minato couldn't stop thinking about how useless he was. He really couldn't do anything at all. Not anything helpful, at least.

If he could just summon without his Evoker, like how Souji was able to summon just from his soul alone. It wasn't a comparison game, but he could see the drawbacks.

[eatsyourscience]

"I don't think of it like that."

And if pressed again, he'd deny it. An inconvenience to him was the closet giving him turkey when he asked for beef. Nothing about Minato was inconvenient.

He sat up straighter, knowing that there was a lot going on for Minato. He just needed to get down to what all that was.

"I don't want you to think of it that way either."

[jivitadana]

Minato stayed where he was, hands in his pockets. He spent the last ten years of his life trying not to be a burden to anyone around him. He would try though not to think of it that way. For Souji.

"What way should I think of it then?"

He thought he knew. But maybe hearing it from someone else would help confirm if he were right or not.

[eatsyourscience]

Souji looked at him for a couple of seconds before getting to his feet again. He got his arms around Minato, one hand against his hair.

"I'll do anything I can for you. You would for me, too. I'm not a burden to you, and you aren't one to me."

[jivitadana]

Minato blinked. He had seen Souji approach, but he hadn't expected to be hugged. He only asked how he should think of it, and Souji helped him find that answer. But he didn't expect to be hugged either over it.

But once he was though, Minato relaxed slightly, leaning into Souji.

"Thank you."

Minato knew that he would do anything for Souji in return. Souji had done so much and given so much to him, more than Minato could thank him or repay him for. He didn't know what he had done to deserve any of this.

He buried his face into Souji again, feeling the way Souji's hand was in his hair. He didn't want to be anywhere else... Despite how warm it was here, it made Minato's chest constrict and ache.

"I dreamt of it. Where I should be."

[eatsyourscience]

Souji's arms tightened around Minato when he heard that, but then he released him slowly.

"Did it hurt?"

He didn't mean physically. Fear, guilt, what Souji could only imagine was deafening silence, all of those could hurt.

[jivitadana]

Minato took a hand out of his pocket and relaxed a little. Just a little. He had tried again not to think of himself as a burden or that he was burdening Souji by telling him any of this.

"It shouldn't."

He put that hand on his chest.

"But it still does."

He shouldn't hurt. He knew why he did what he was supposed to do. He wanted to do it. But being here was the problem. Being here reminded him of what it was like to be alive.

[eatsyourscience]

"It's okay if it does." Souji thought it should. No matter what Minato chose, it didn't change the reality. "If it didn't, then it would be the same as living, wouldn't it?"

[jivitadana]

Minato nodded too, his hand clutching his chest just a little more.

"I got caught up with being alive."

He shouldn't have. He knew where he was supposed to be and what it meant. Being carried away like that though? He knew better.

[eatsyourscience]

"Why shouldn't you?"

Souji had a feeling he knew how Minato would answer, but he still asked.

[jivitadana]

Minato knew what he felt. He felt like he was shirking responsibility. Being here was as he thought of it before. It was cheating. It wasn't even like borrowed time. It was time he shouldn't have at all.

It took him a long while to respond, as if he hadn't planned on responding at all.

"... I feel guilty."

That's what he felt. He felt for guilty for being allowed to live.

[eatsyourscience]

Souji wanted to hug Minato again, but refrained for the moment. It might be more important to keep talking right now.

His chest hurt. How could he make that feeling go away? He probably couldn't. And maybe he shouldn't - it was Minato's, that feeling, and Souji respected that. If Minato felt guilt, then Souji wouldn't stop him. But maybe he could express his disagreement with the source of that feeling.

"I'm happy that you're here."

[jivitadana]

On hearing that, Minato smiled just ever so slightly before it faded away into neutral. He was grateful to be here if just for the chance to meet Souji, Kanji, just glimpse the future that he wanted to protect.

He lowered his hand and then pulled out his desk chair to sit down.

"I've left you twice already though."

[eatsyourscience]

Souji sat down again as well.

"You didn't choose that." But maybe, given the guilt Minato feels, he should ask: "Do you want to go back?"

[jivitadana]

"I have to."

Souji knew just as well that Minato had to go back. Souji himself had to return. They have to go home.

But he knew too that he was avoiding the question. That hurt too, hearing how he answered or didn't answer.

[eatsyourscience]

"Yeah, you do." Souji watched him, expression neutral. "But it's not the same thing."

[jivitadana]

Minato knew it wasn't. He fell silent then, half wondering if the question was a trap, but he also knew Souji wouldn't do that to him.

"I'm happy that I'm here. With you."

[eatsyourscience]

The ache in Souji's chest ebbed a bit at that.

"I know it's hard."

He knew it was, though he knew that he couldn't ever fully understand just how hard. In some ways, their situations were so different.

[jivitadana]

Minato nodded, knowing that it had to be hard. It was like he was being tested. Or just like living some false life of what he could have, what could have been.

"If I didn't end up here, I wouldn't have met you."

And now that he was here? It was as Souji had asked. Did he want to go back?

[eatsyourscience]

Souji was silent for a moment before deciding now was the right time to say this.

"You'll meet me. I promise."

He'd made this promise before. He wasn't afraid to make it again.