[OPEN] this ONE WEIRD TRICK to losing your will to live

[fulllifeconsequences]

Who: Chara, Mirror Chara, anyone
Where: Mirrorside tearooms, the gardens
When: 5/15 - 5/20
Rating: PG for potential dissociation/unreality, references to suicide
Summary: It's funny when the mirror is more sure its real than you are, isn't it?
The Story:

[A - Real side, among the flowers]

Frisk isn't here.

It's a realization that pulls all the breath out of them, and it feels like they never quite inhale again. Like without their other half, they're nothing but a ghost, a held breath wandering without meaning. They know that death on the other side is... it's different. It's for real. They also know that Frisk was willing, once, to cooperate with their mirror. To find a way to the other side. They know that if Frisk isn't on this side, if they've gone somewhere Chara can't follow, that - that nothing is holding them back now. That the solemn oath to follow Frisk if death takes them means nothing if Chara can't reach them. That if Frisk was willing to trust in and protect their mirror once, Chara can never be sure that they won't do it again. That they won't resist that temptation.

They know they have no control over what happens next.

They know they might never see Frisk again.

Chara sits in the gardens, not knowing anywhere else to go. No mirror crossing over, nobody to lead them to the Rabbit Hole. So all they do is... they just sit among the flowers. Breathe. Try not to think too hard about what the last thing they may have ever said to Frisk would be - it certainly wasn't "goodbye" or "I love you" or anything poetic and real. Try not to fixate on seeing if this is the moment they forget, if some kind of omniscient force is going to purge their memory despite all their safeguards, all their determination to always remember.

Try to focus on what they can do, at least.

For now, that's nothing more than ripping petals off of flowers one by one, counting over and over and over.


[B - Mirrorside, time for tea - replies coming from undetermined]

To tell the truth, the mirror... they sort of wish they'd been brave enough to cross over. To give everyone on the real side, the happy side, to - to give them a chance to see. To realize that they could have a better Chara, one who's nice, one who's never irrational, one who only has kind things to say about them. To maybe... they know it's impossible, but they still - it's nice to dream. To fantasize about escape. About slipping into another world where people want you around, where you're never useless or stupid or in the way, where you're useful. If they crossed over, then they'd surely meet people who'd be their friend. Who'd want to keep them. Who'd know that maybe this Chara was just born on the wrong side, and everyone would be happier if they could live on the side where nice people live, and the bad one can live on the mean side.

But they aren't brave enough. They know they'd never have the guts to hunt anyone down. They know they'd never have the nerve it takes to steal or vandalize or harm.

So they just... ha ha, they settle for what they get. They can still be useful here. There are some reals stranded here, after all, and they must be scared. Must be feeling helpless and lost. They could all, Chara's sure, use a friend right about now. So Chara... they can be that friend. They rove from one tearoom to the next, carrying a basket of snacks and first aid kits, doing their best to be the kind of person who answers a call for help. Someone out there must need them. Someone must want them, surely.

They just have to look hard enough.

Comments

[undetermined]

"You... you are?" They mumble, because why would anyone ever be glad they're here, right? "I'm... technically not supposed to be," they add. "I'm supposed to go to your side with the other mirrors, but I'm not... I was scared to go alone, and I knew that if my Frisk crossed over, then you'd... and you did, didn't you? You came to SAVE me. If you're here for me, then of course I'm okay."

They're doing that thing again - talking too much, forgetting to be seen and not heard, getting excited and presuming more than they're allowed. They think they're just going to make Frisk move even more cautiously, because they must sound unstable, as volatile and irrational as their Real.

"That... is why you're here, isn't it?" They venture suddenly, their fidgeting ceasing entirely. "You came because you were looking for me. Because you remembered your promise, right?"

[determinedest]

They came to SAVE them. It...maybe it didn't occur to them, that they would come for any other reason. And they can't take them through to the other side, not right now, not without the Real Chara. So once again the weight of their decisions sits in the pit of their belly, as they once again must choose between the lie where everyone is happy, or the truth where no one is.

They've told too many lies, as of late. If nothing else, the Mirror deserves something real for once. A real, earnest truth.

"I didn't know this was going to happen," Frisk says, gently. "I don't think...any of the Reals did."

Their Mirror crossed over, and the Real ended up on the other side.

They're sorry.

[undetermined]

"Oh," says Chara.



"But now that you're here," they push, brightening up again, still believing, "I... you were looking for me, right? You ended up here by surprise, but you thought this might be your chance? I know you didn't just... you didn't forget about me completely, huh?"

They're smiling.

"I know I haven't talked to you in a while, because I - uh - the last times I did, I thought maybe I was just being a pest instead of helping, and I know you never wrote to me or asked the mirror if I was there, because, ha ha, of course you didn't. But you always used to say that you could be friends with both me and my Real, right? That you wouldn't just pick one or the other, and if that's true, then you definitely must have still thought about me! I know you didn't just - find some other kid and forget all about me. Just put me on a bench and tell me you'll be right back, and... ha. Ha ha."

They don't finish the sentence. Silence starts to stretch a little too long, a little too uncomfortably.

"You promised," they add. "That you'd look out for me. That we could be friends."

[determinedest]

Things could have gone better, here. And worse, they know, much worse. The relief and the brightness to their eyes is almost painful to witness, after everything. After what they've said and done to push them away from the Real Chara, as though they have to pick.

The Mirror goes on and on, a fitful burst of vocalized anxiety, inconsolable. Frisk watches, plucking at the threads of their sweater at one cuff. Trying, trying not to burst in and interrupt and plow all over them. Uncertain as to what they would say, even if they did.

Guilt, welling in their stomach like a poison.

"We are friends." Being hurt doesn't change that, does it? No. Not with their track record, as far as friends go. As far as family goes. "I'm...glad you're okay. It's okay if you didn't want to cross over. The other Mirrors, they - they're pretty scary, aren't they?"

[undetermined]

They... well, they're trying to be a good friend, of course. So they don't notice the way Frisk steps neatly around answering their questions. They don't notice that Frisk changes the subject. Good friends don't doubt. It's just annoying to need reassurance. It's just being needy, a burden, a parasite. They should just - they should be more grateful, of course.

"It's hell," they mumble. "I hate it here. I hate being alive, like this. But I... I tried really hard to be patient, Frisk. It hurt so much to just - to always be staring at this world where everyone cares about each other, where everyone's so much happier, and just... and know that you can't touch it. That nobody can hear you call for help, ha ha."

It's not funny.

"But that's... it's over now, isn't it? You're here. I can... I can cross over any time. I'll be brave enough to do it if you're with me. All we have to do is wait for your mirror to get bored, and then... and then we can escape. I can be free. I don't have to suffer here, afraid and abandoned. Not anymore."

[determinedest]

"I know." Something in their throat breaks the word in two, squeezing around their heart in their chest. "You're brave, for living through it. Braver than you know."

Is that wrong of them to say? They can't blame them, can they, for being frustrated, for being upset, for feeling forgotten, or alone, always second best. And that's not entirely untrue, is it? They've been focusing all their attention, all of everything they are, on their Chara, the one on their side of the glass, as if to make up for those months in which everything fell apart.

What kind of friend are they, really?

"I'm sorry. That it took me so long to get here."

[undetermined]

"I don't know about brave, ha ha. There's nothing orange about me. I don't even know if I could live like this forever. I mean, not like I have a choice how I live, I know, but..." They trail off, decide to just put that thought away for now. Don't be such a bummer. You're so negative all the time. It's whiny, that's what it is.

"But it's okay," they instead hasten to say, smiling in a way they hope is comforting and reassuring. "Really, it's okay. I know that you were trying. I know it's not like you weren't doing anything at all for all those months. You must have been working so hard. And - and I appreciate that. I do. It means so much to me that... that there's someone out there who doesn't just think I'm - you know. Useless. An afterthought. Not worth talking to. ...Replaceable."

They fidget. Keep smiling. Keep being comforting, grateful, rewarding to be around. "A-anyway! It's what you do now that counts. The past is the past. I don't - I'm going to be free, aren't I? This isn't going to end with you leaving me behind, trapped behind a barrier. Is it?"

[determinedest]

It would be wonderful, to tell them that's exactly what's going to happen. That they could simply take their hand and lead them over the gaping abyss, and watching them take in the Real light, the Real colors, the Real wind and sky and sun. It would be nice, if they could say something like that and let it be true.

But they're only one person. One person up against the rules of Wonderland, and once the Queen calls the Mirrors back, what can they do against it? They can rewind time, short-form, relive the same moment over and over again, but it'll do nothing, nothing but prolong the inevitable.

"There's only so much I can do," says Frisk, and it may as well be a whisper. Their eyes have lidded again, brow creased. Unwilling. Regretful. "I can see you, like this, but I can't...I don't know how to keep things like this."

Maybe the angel could do it. But they've learned, in every way possible for them to learn, that they're really not an angel at all.