Chara (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
fulllifeconsequences) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
entrancelogs2017-05-15 05:46 pm
fulllifeconsequences) wrote in entrancelogs2017-05-15 05:46 pm
[OPEN] this ONE WEIRD TRICK to losing your will to live
Who: Chara, Mirror Chara, anyone
Where: Mirrorside tearooms, the gardens
When: 5/15 - 5/20
Rating: PG for potential dissociation/unreality, references to suicide
Summary: It's funny when the mirror is more sure its real than you are, isn't it?
The Story:
[A - Real side, among the flowers]
Frisk isn't here.
It's a realization that pulls all the breath out of them, and it feels like they never quite inhale again. Like without their other half, they're nothing but a ghost, a held breath wandering without meaning. They know that death on the other side is... it's different. It's for real. They also know that Frisk was willing, once, to cooperate with their mirror. To find a way to the other side. They know that if Frisk isn't on this side, if they've gone somewhere Chara can't follow, that - that nothing is holding them back now. That the solemn oath to follow Frisk if death takes them means nothing if Chara can't reach them. That if Frisk was willing to trust in and protect their mirror once, Chara can never be sure that they won't do it again. That they won't resist that temptation.
They know they have no control over what happens next.
They know they might never see Frisk again.
Chara sits in the gardens, not knowing anywhere else to go. No mirror crossing over, nobody to lead them to the Rabbit Hole. So all they do is... they just sit among the flowers. Breathe. Try not to think too hard about what the last thing they may have ever said to Frisk would be - it certainly wasn't "goodbye" or "I love you" or anything poetic and real. Try not to fixate on seeing if this is the moment they forget, if some kind of omniscient force is going to purge their memory despite all their safeguards, all their determination to always remember.
Try to focus on what they can do, at least.
For now, that's nothing more than ripping petals off of flowers one by one, counting over and over and over.
[B - Mirrorside, time for tea - replies coming fromundetermined]
To tell the truth, the mirror... they sort of wish they'd been brave enough to cross over. To give everyone on the real side, the happy side, to - to give them a chance to see. To realize that they could have a better Chara, one who's nice, one who's never irrational, one who only has kind things to say about them. To maybe... they know it's impossible, but they still - it's nice to dream. To fantasize about escape. About slipping into another world where people want you around, where you're never useless or stupid or in the way, where you're useful. If they crossed over, then they'd surely meet people who'd be their friend. Who'd want to keep them. Who'd know that maybe this Chara was just born on the wrong side, and everyone would be happier if they could live on the side where nice people live, and the bad one can live on the mean side.
But they aren't brave enough. They know they'd never have the guts to hunt anyone down. They know they'd never have the nerve it takes to steal or vandalize or harm.
So they just... ha ha, they settle for what they get. They can still be useful here. There are some reals stranded here, after all, and they must be scared. Must be feeling helpless and lost. They could all, Chara's sure, use a friend right about now. So Chara... they can be that friend. They rove from one tearoom to the next, carrying a basket of snacks and first aid kits, doing their best to be the kind of person who answers a call for help. Someone out there must need them. Someone must want them, surely.
They just have to look hard enough.
Where: Mirrorside tearooms, the gardens
When: 5/15 - 5/20
Rating: PG for potential dissociation/unreality, references to suicide
Summary: It's funny when the mirror is more sure its real than you are, isn't it?
The Story:
[A - Real side, among the flowers]
Frisk isn't here.
It's a realization that pulls all the breath out of them, and it feels like they never quite inhale again. Like without their other half, they're nothing but a ghost, a held breath wandering without meaning. They know that death on the other side is... it's different. It's for real. They also know that Frisk was willing, once, to cooperate with their mirror. To find a way to the other side. They know that if Frisk isn't on this side, if they've gone somewhere Chara can't follow, that - that nothing is holding them back now. That the solemn oath to follow Frisk if death takes them means nothing if Chara can't reach them. That if Frisk was willing to trust in and protect their mirror once, Chara can never be sure that they won't do it again. That they won't resist that temptation.
They know they have no control over what happens next.
They know they might never see Frisk again.
Chara sits in the gardens, not knowing anywhere else to go. No mirror crossing over, nobody to lead them to the Rabbit Hole. So all they do is... they just sit among the flowers. Breathe. Try not to think too hard about what the last thing they may have ever said to Frisk would be - it certainly wasn't "goodbye" or "I love you" or anything poetic and real. Try not to fixate on seeing if this is the moment they forget, if some kind of omniscient force is going to purge their memory despite all their safeguards, all their determination to always remember.
Try to focus on what they can do, at least.
For now, that's nothing more than ripping petals off of flowers one by one, counting over and over and over.
[B - Mirrorside, time for tea - replies coming from
undetermined]To tell the truth, the mirror... they sort of wish they'd been brave enough to cross over. To give everyone on the real side, the happy side, to - to give them a chance to see. To realize that they could have a better Chara, one who's nice, one who's never irrational, one who only has kind things to say about them. To maybe... they know it's impossible, but they still - it's nice to dream. To fantasize about escape. About slipping into another world where people want you around, where you're never useless or stupid or in the way, where you're useful. If they crossed over, then they'd surely meet people who'd be their friend. Who'd want to keep them. Who'd know that maybe this Chara was just born on the wrong side, and everyone would be happier if they could live on the side where nice people live, and the bad one can live on the mean side.
But they aren't brave enough. They know they'd never have the guts to hunt anyone down. They know they'd never have the nerve it takes to steal or vandalize or harm.
So they just... ha ha, they settle for what they get. They can still be useful here. There are some reals stranded here, after all, and they must be scared. Must be feeling helpless and lost. They could all, Chara's sure, use a friend right about now. So Chara... they can be that friend. They rove from one tearoom to the next, carrying a basket of snacks and first aid kits, doing their best to be the kind of person who answers a call for help. Someone out there must need them. Someone must want them, surely.
They just have to look hard enough.
no subject
[They're maybe too loud when they say that. Shouldn't be so vehement. It looks like anger, and anger is bad. Scary. Not like them at all. They soften, hunch their shoulders, look down.]
I'm not... very brave, or anything. I know I'm - I know you'd probably have literally anyone else. But I can be useful! I can be loyal! You're... you've had it so hard, haven't you? Everyone and everything's been so unfair to you. You haven't done anything to deserve...
[To deserve... whatever? They don't even know who "she" is or what he's talking about. Toriel's mirror? Alphys', probably. Don't know why she'd shove someone so useful to her out, but she's the only one who talks to Sans' mirror, really, and it's not like Sans is especially close to a lot of other "she's" that someone like Chara could possibly think of.
Whatever. He probably wouldn't like Chara prying. They don't really need to know, anyway. They can tell he's all sad and tired, they can tell he's stranded here, they can tell he's alone.]
You deserve to have somebody who's in your corner. I just want to be here for you. Honest.
no subject
they...don't, though.
[No one can drag people like Chara, but between the two of them it's usually a tit-for-tat sort of thing. At least it used to be--sometimes. When they really go at him, it's because he deserves it. Because they're telling him something he needs to hear, that he never bothered to acknowledge for himself.]
[He can't help giving them a baffled look as they go on. Are they--mocking him? Or are they just pitying him? Stands to reason. He's the picture of pity right now. The poster-child for skeletons in need. Donate to your local charity today.]
[He fidgets with the spigot on the Cheez Whiz. They want to be useful.]
'preciate it but...s' a pretty small corner for a reason.
[He made it this way, after all.]
s' nice of you to bring food 'n such around. 's useful. 'preciate that, too.
[Neck's hurting again, so he sucks down the rest of the juice.]
no subject
You lost Papyrus, didn't you? Nobody's talking to you about that. Nobody's talking about how tired you look. Nobody's talking about how you've been the victim of - of all this stuff lately.
[Of whatever the heck happened here that's got him looking so bedraggled, of the last few events, of all the times he's been helpless and holding back sobs, entirely at the mercy of someone who just wants to hurt them because they have that kind of power.]
Nobody's trying to be there for you, are they? And that's not fair. Not when you've been hit so much harder than they have. Not when you keep being forced into these horrible situations, and you can't even stop it. Nobody's thinking about the empty space that you don't have anyone to fill anymore.
That's... it's not okay, Sans. It isn't. They're not doing enough for you. They're all just - just abandoning you when you need them most, and they aren't even going to realize it until it's too late, are they?
no subject
[And maybe there's a kernel of truth in what they're saying, because all this loneliness doesn't come from nowhere. Not all of it, at least. But that's neither here nor there. He's been pushing people away, and that's that. He can't even think about blame or fault right now, beyond the fact that he made his bed and is now lying in it.]
[He just can't do this right now. He can't do this when he's still on this side of the glass, when he's still hearing all the sounds from the lab ringing in his skull. The more they talk, the more trapped he feels. The more hollow dread opens up inside him.]
stop.
[He tries to sound firm, but he wouldn't be surprised if they hear pleading. Is that all he is to them? Something to be helped?]
don't know what you're doing, but stop it. 'm not worse off. 'm not a victim. s' not anything like what you're...
[He pauses to breathe. It's so damn hard to breathe.]
...sayin'. y'either...don't know what all's been happenin', or...you're tryin' t'convince me of somethin'. jus' stop, okay? 'm too tired for this.