entrancelogs | [open] a little taste of hypocrisy and i'm left in the wake of my mistake

[Caroline doesn't even flinch; if anything, she relaxes at the gentle touch, giving her a grateful smile. Eventually, though, she shakes her head.]

I tried feeding her my blood. I'd tried it on someone else first, and I thought I'd cured him because he seemed so much better at first.

[Guilt creeps into her features.]

Later that night, things took a turn. The magic in my blood just fed the tumor, and it killed him. Since my blood was in his system, it turned him too, but the tumor didn't go away. It just got worse and worse, caused him pain, but he couldn't die. He asked for someone to put him out of his misery.

[Her voice shakes slightly, but she takes a breath, lets it out, and keeps going.]

I had already given some to my Mom by then. We had to get someone to siphon the magic out of her before it could do the same thing to her.

[ Oh God that was worse. So much worse. Chloe doesn't blame Caroline for trying... Chloe would have done the same thing, too. Hell, it would be a lie to say she hadn't thought about it herself, theoretically of course, after she died.

Vampirism had it's own curses, though. Chloe's not sure it's worth the trade off.

She squeezes Caroline's wrist again, comfortingly. ]

You tried everything you could. That wasn't your fault, you know that right? [ She wants to address that first. It's already hard enough to lose someone you love, already easy enough to blame yourself, and that's without the capability of giving someone eternal life. To have it come back and bite you in the ass?

Well, that sounded like exactly the kind of cruelty Lucifer accused his father off all of the time. ]

I just know... When my dad died, I tried to go through everything, tried to think of all the ways I could have stopped it even though it was totally out of my control. It's hard but I'm here for you, whatever you wanna talk about. You're not alone through this, okay?

No, I know. And she still got to have some more time after that, thank God. I mean, I knew I was going to lose her someday, you know? But I had just started college and I'm still growing up and...I wasn't ready. I don't know if I was ever going to be ready but I definitely wasn't ready then. I mean, I lost my Dad in the time I was gone too, but now I have...nobody.

[That's not true and she knows it, but as far as family goes? It's just her. That's it.

Still, she nods at Chloe's words, takes a breath, and keeps going.]

I had started this thing with Stefan sort of, but he didn't want to deal with it after my Mom passed. So after I got through the first 24 hours, got through her funeral. I turned off my humanity.

[And that's where the mess started.]

I just...couldn't handle it. Everything hurt so bad and I knew it was just going to get worse and I didn't have anything to look forward to so I just...shut it all off. [She drags a hand through her hair, takes a sip of her coffee. She wishes it had Baileys in it. Or whiskey.] And then I came back. Wonderland memories, a surprise boyfriend, and zero emotions.

I was a monster.

[ It's a lot for Chloe to take in. Caroline having lost both her parents, being left alone. She's mentioned Stefan before, how he had helped her when she first transitioned, and to hear that he abandoned her when he did makes Chloe's gut wrench. She's not surprised, though. Apparently even eternal life didn't make men any less idiots when it came to emotions.

The worst part, though, it where it ends. Chloe's heard it from Elena, that vampires can turn off the part of themselves that makes them human and it scares Chloe to think about it. Humanity is the only thing that separates the animal from the instinct, and well...

Vampire instincts aren't something that should rule anyone. ]

Caroline... [ Chloe doesn't move her hand. Her eyes don't waver from her face. She sort of already knows the answer to this question, knows where it might go, but her gaze is soft, her words gentle because she doesn't want to judge, she wants to help. Not just that, though, but she needs Caroline to know that it's okay.

That no matter what she did, Chloe isn't afraid of her. ]

What did you do?

[She's always been so good at not letting her instincts control her, but that only goes so far. She'd been too confident, too desperate to believe that it could be different for her, that it wouldn't end in violence.]

I...fed on a couple of teenagers. Elena stopped me, so I tried to kill her. My friend had to nearly blow us both to bits to stop me.

[Her teeth since harmlessly into her top lip, her hands fidgeting with the coffee cup.]

I said horrible things. To Elena, to Klaus. I tried to sleep with some guy one night so I could feed on him, erase his memory, but Klaus stopped me and I just ripped into him with every horrible thing I could think of. When his friend stopped by, I started plotting how to kill him, to make it look like an accident so he wouldn't ever know if it was me or not.

[One hand reaches up to wipe away tears before they can fall.]

So he bit me. Werewolf bites are poisonous to vampires. So I tried to kill myself. [It hadn't worked. Klaus was too fast.] It took being delirious and hallucinating from fever to get me to turn it back on.

[ Watching Caroline cry just makes Chloe's heart break more but she keeps her face even, thoughtful as she listens to her and watches her wipe away the tears. To say she isn't angry; not angry, livid, would be a lie. Livid and disappointed. ]

What you did was reckless and selfish. You could have killed someone. You could have died. Do you have any idea how irresponsible your actions were?

[ Chloe gets it. Hell, there are times when she would have given anything to be able to turn off her emotions, to not have to feel that pain. But that didn't make it better. Ignoring it or not feeling it didn't make it go away.

Of course, Caroline obviously knows that too, now. Bubbly, sweet Caroline, who came to Chloe's door to thank her for looking out for Elena. Chloe could never see her as a monster. ]

Just... [ Chloe takes a breath, holding up one finger before she gets up from the table. She just needs a minute, needs to take a breath. Chloe walks to the counter and puts in another order, and when she comes back, she's holding two plates with pieces of chocolate cake.

Chloe sets one of the plates in front of Caroline and sits back down, taking another deep breath. ]

Chocolate cake always makes my kid feel better when she's sad. [ Chloe pushes a fork across the table to her. ] I'm not going to say I'm not disappointed. I am. But you're not alone in this, Caroline. And I know that no matter what you do, Elena and Klaus care about you, too. You aren't alone.

[She winces. Reckless and selfish. Of course, that's what anyone sane would think of what she did, of what all vampires seem to do at one time or another. It's meant to be a defense mechanism, to give a way out when it got to be too much, because it always did at one point or another. She feels everything so much more acutely than she did when she was human, and she had already been an over-emotional person.

That didn't make it okay. There was no excuse that would ever make it justifiable.]

I know that. It was stupid, and I have to live with the fact that when Wonderland decides to send me home, it's going to happen all over again and it's killing me.

[Lots of things are bothering her, piling up on top of each other, and it's all she can do not to just run away again. She won't, she can't, but sometimes even waking up after sleeping is nearly impossible.

At first, she thinks Chloe is just going to leave her here, another person that she might have ostracized herself from, but instead she comes back with...cake.

Caroline blinks at the frosted dessert like she's not sure what it even is. She glances at the fork, picks it up, turns it over in her fingers. Her voice is calmer when she speaks this time, steadier.]

Elena is the first person I went to after I was...fixed. [It's not the right word, but she doesn't think there is one.] She'd forgiven me before I could even apologize. With Klaus, it's more complicated. I know he cares, he cares a lot, but it's just...all messed up now.

Yeah, well, Elena is more forgiving anyone should ever be. [ It is probably also why she had the allies she did, the friends she had. She went above and beyond to not give up on people. ] And you know, you'll figure things out with Klaus. He's... He seems like the type who won't give up on what matters to him.

[ She picks up her own fork, poking gently at the spongy part of the cake. ] Caroline... You're a vampire. You're immortal. Everyone you care about, everyone you love, they're all going to grow old and die and you can't turn everyone you've ever met to save them.

[ Caroline knows this, obviously, but Chloe isn't sure she understands it. She's still young. The world is a big and scary enough place even without what she's gone through. ] You'll make it through this at home, too. And you'll turn your humanity back on and you'll be better for it. I honestly believe that. You're... You're compassionate, and your smart and funny, and you can't help but care about people. That's what makes you you and if you lose that... What's the point of living forever if you can't be who you are?

Yeah. Maybe.

[Caroline's pretty forgiving herself, when she wants to be, but that's neither here nor there.]

Understatement. He's giving me space though. It's more than I expected from him, honestly.

[He won't give it to her forever, though. It's impossible for him to avoid her entirely, but the fact that he's trying means something.]

I wasn't trying to turn her or anything; I know she wouldn't want that. I just wanted to fix her, but I made everything worse anyway.

[She's not sure she believes that, that she'll be better for it. She's sure Damon knows how she turns it back on, is sure that he told the others to help them find her triggers, but she also knows she's going to leave a bigger mess than she did here. She's going to bring more guilt on Stefan's shoulders, and no matter how weird things might be between them, she's only going to make it worse.]

I only wanted a year. I didn't want it to be forever. I just...I just wanted to get past the worst of it. It was like...every bone in my body was breaking, and all I had to do was hit a button and it would go away. Most people are gonna push the button, right?
Some people could grit their teeth and get through it, but I guess I just wasn't strong enough. I just have to try and figure out how to live with that.

I don't think it's about strength. I mean, if I had that option when my dad died? I would have turned it off, too. No one wants to go through that. No one should have to go through that.

[ Chloe sighs, thinking about the kind of pain she's seen the families of victims go through. It's worse for the parents, though, the ones that lose their kids. Losing your parents, it sucks, but it's the way things are supposed to be. But sometimes Chloe wonders what it would be like if anything happened to Trixie and she knows how much it would destroy her, that it would likely turn her into a monster.

It almost did, once, when Trixie was kidnapped. She'd stolen evidence, killed a man to protect her daughter and protect Lucifer. To be able to turn that kind of fear and pain off was all too tempting. ]

But... You have to learn how to get through it, you know? My point is, it won't just be your mom. There will be other people you care about, other people you can't turn and can't save and it will hurt then, too. You can't turn it off every time it hurts. It's not... [ Chloe pauses. What is she supposed to say? It's not normal? It isn't, but she knows that won't help. Making Caroline feel like some kind of unnatural creature won't help her in the least. ] What you did doesn't make you weak, Caroline. It makes you... I don't know. It makes you human. We all screw up, we all make bad choices and sometimes we pay for those mistakes and sometimes other people do. You just have to figure out how to learn from it, how to move on.

[She can't imagine a pain worse than losing her mother, the one piece of her old life she still had left. In a way, Elizabeth Forbes was Caroline's tie to humanity; it made sense that it would be the thing that got her to temporarily shut it off.

She wouldn't do it again. She couldn't let herself.]

I didn't turn it off when my Dad died. It's just...it was my Mom, you know? It was just different...

[Her father's memory had been somewhat tainted with the events that had led up to it, of being locked up in a cell and burned repeatedly, of being tortured.

Things had changed, but something like that didn't just go away.]

I know better now. I can't do that again. I couldn't live with myself.

[ Chloe watches Caroline quietly for a moment. She hopes so. She hopes the girl has the resilience to not fall into a habit. Chloe has seen plenty of people fall back on the types of habits that numbed them when things got too hard. Heck, it was one of her biggest worries with Seth, even if she did her best not to voice it. ]

I was always closer to my dad. My mom was... Well, we didn't agree on a lot when I was growing up. [ Her mom was manipulative and obnoxious. Still, Chloe found herself missing her. ]

Listen, I... I know I probably come on a little strong. The mom thing, yeah? [ She shrugs, settling back into her chair. ] I have a daughter back home. I guess I just... Well, I'm here, you know? If you need anything.

[She'd been closer to her own Dad for a time, while she was busy blaming her mother for their divorce, for splitting up their little family. It had been wrong, she realized later; Caroline just wanted someone to blame so that she didn't blame herself.

They'd figured it out, over time. They'd been closer than ever.]

No, it's fine. Really. [She manages a slight smile.] My friends...they lost her too. It's nice to know I'm not hurting anyone by talking about it, you know?

[Chloe isn't grieving her mother the way Damon and the others might if she brings it up.]

[ Chloe knows she has a point. She wishes she'd had someone like that when her father died, someone other than her mother to grieve with. She'd lost her father and Penelope had lost her husband, and it wasn't easy for either of them to talk about for a long time.

They'd come a long way, all things considered. But Chloe found herself wanting to be there for Caroline, wanting to be that person she could come to when everyone else hurt as much as she did. ]

Yeah. Yeah, definitely and I am here whenever you need that, okay? [ She tilts her head. ] Elena is one of my best friends and I'd like to be your friend, too.

[open] a little taste of hypocrisy and i'm left in the wake of my mistake

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