It may very well be the worst thing that's ever happened to you! | OPEN MINGLE

[vitaelamorte]

Who: EVERYONE!
Where: EVERYWHERE!
When: Friday October 27th - Tuesday October 31st
Rating: PG-13, warn if you're gonna go higher!
Summary: A catch all for the Horrible Memory Truth Event!
The Story:

For the duration of this event, everyone's entire room will be replaced with a memory playing on loop. They will likely recognize the moment as soon as they see it – it is a moment they remember as the worst moment of their entire lives. It could be a memory from home or something that happened in Wonderland. Lengths of the memories will vary, but they will find that these are not memories they can merely watch – they can step into these memories and attempt to make changes to them, and the memories will be long enough that they have time to make changes (though no more than 24 hours). However, anyone who tries will find that it is futile. No matter what you do or how hard you try, the outcome is always exactly the same somehow. No changes you make will prevent that horrible outcome. It just happens over and over and over again no matter what you do.

On top of that, perhaps complicating any attempts to make changes, everyone will be forced to be honest for the duration of the event. No lies or half-truths are allowed, and filters will be gone for the entire five days. If something bothers someone then they will blurt it out, regardless of whether or not it hurts someone's feelings, and no one will be able to simply keep quiet when they have something to say. They must be truthful and honest with every word they say.

This is a catch-all log for all of your Worst Memory needs! Please mark your threads clearly in the subject line with your character's name and Room Number + Floor for character rooms, or just location if you're making a top level for a public place in the mansion (like the tea rooms or the kitchen) so people can see if there's already a thread available. And here's the plot post if you need it!

Have fun!

Comments

[punful]

All that judgment. All that cold resignation. Their words are flat. This is happening, and they hate it, and he hates it, but there's nothing either of them can do.

So they've both stopped trying to fight.

"frisk..."

And it's true. There's a lot he wants to ask. A lot he refused to ask, that he told himself he would leave buried, because that's how it should be. For god's sake, the kid should be allowed to keep something. Something he doesn't know about, something he doesn't claw out of them.

He wants to ask what he did. He wants to ask how he can help. He wants to ask what makes them happy, what would be best for them.

"...can we fix this?"

It wasn't too late for him. It wasn't too late for Chara, and it wasn't too late for their...friendship, or whatever it is. The bridge hadn't burned. It can still be mended. They're both mending it.

But Chara is not Frisk.

"is it too late?"

[determinedest]

Can we fix this?

They wait for yes. They wait for unceasing determination, for unflinching optimism. They wait for refusal to break apart and shatter. They wait for resistance on a molecular level, on a level on par with the world itself, resisting the edges of their own defeated spirit, the fragments pooling back together to form something strong and impenetrable that refuses to die.

They wait for no. They wait for the calm skipping of dialogue, the lateral sweep of a dust-encrusted Glove or a Ballet Shoe or a Toy Knife's plastic blade. They wait for the snapping of a Burnt Pan closing a door on the final enemy, the emptiness that would forever follow in their gray-puddled wake. They wait for the silence that means nothing for the do not that means that forgiveness is not requisite, or even possible.

They wait.

Their fingertips dig into the scuffed brown skin of one arm, swiftly, and let go in a movement just as immediate.

"I'm scared." It's quiet. It's so, so quiet. "I'm scared all the time. And I'm too afraid to try, because I'm scared I'll just mess it up again."

Can we fix this?

Is it too late?

"I don't know."

[punful]

He almost doesn't hear them.

They're so quiet. Timid. They're scared. He hears it, even as they say the words. They're scared. They're scared of everything, and they're scared of him.

They've been scared of him this whole time.

Since the very beginning, maybe. Wasn't that the whole point? Creep up behind them, be needlessly spooky, catch them off guard with an ill-timed whoopee cushion. Keep them on their toes, make it so they can never predict him, not in the best timelines. Use the best timelines to prepare for the worst ones.

So they don't see him coming until it's too late.

A few kind words, a year or so of trying to be nice to them, doesn't just erase that. Never will. He never expected it too. He just...

Didn't know how bad it was.

"i don't know, either."

And why hasn't he figured it out by now?

"aw, kid. it wasn't your fault. this one wasn't your fault at all. it was me."

They were a scared kid, reacting to something frightening--the idea that he might know some horrible, horrible secret, something worse than the ones he already knows. They were scared for themselves, and for Chara.

"i keep...trying different things. and none of them work. because...you're a person, frisk, and i forgot that for awhile. kept thinking of it as a puzzle to solve. fell back into...all the old underground habits. maybe never got out of them in the first place."

Not just a person. A kid. A child. And like always, it had to be Chara to remind him. Had to be Chara to tell him what it looks like, when you stop speaking to a child. When you try to just give them some space. What that looks like.

"i want to do right by you. i just don't know how. i don't know...where to even start."

[determinedest]

So he...looks to them for guidance?

Their shoulders drop for a moment, helplessly. They can't solve this. They can't fix any of this. Why isn't he happy? Why isn't he happy? They can't make him happy. They can't smooth away any of it, can't make him any less of what he is, what he feels constantly. They can't be the thing that SAVEs him, not truly.

So what does that make them?

"I don't know how to help you." Isn't that what they're supposed to do? Solve everyone's problems flawlessly? "I don't know how to make you happy. I don't know why I'm never good enough. I don't know what you know and what you don't, and I don't want to ask. I'm scared of what you really know, and I'm scared of what you really don't."

The words clip out with a staggered intake of breath, soft and halting and so, so afraid. They're talking too much.

Why are they still talking too much?

"I know what happens when you get mad. When I make people - when I make people mad."

And you could say they're scared of that too.

[punful]

It's just like last time. Just like with Chara. They'd said they didn't know how to help him. How to make him happy.

Don't they know by now?

"you can't, kid. you can't make me happy. you can't give me a perfect ending. frisk, do you...really think it all went perfectly smooth afterward, in the best ending? you set us on the path, but it was always...it was our responsibility to keep things going. to keep trying and keep being our best selves. i think we needed the push, but...everything after? that was on us. you never...should have had to be responsible for an entire species' happiness. we're...adults. you're just a kid. we have to be responsible for ourselves at some point. and me..."

And him.

"i'm not good at happiness. half the time i don't remember how to feel it at all. and when i do, i'm...i don't trust it. i'm waiting for something to go wrong. but i'm...i still have to...be responsible for my own happiness, kid. i still have to figure out my own life. this stuff...it doesn't go away instantly. me, alphys, napstablook. undyne. mettaton. toriel. asgore. fixing it takes...takes such a long time. wish it could go faster. wish i could just--figure it out. but i can't. i have to just...keep trying and...hope. figure it out piece by piece. wonderland, if nothing else...gives us time."

Time enough, maybe. Maybe not. That's not up to him. And all of this--all of it will stop mattering once he goes home. All of it will be lost.

It only matters here and now.

They're so scared. Their voice is shaking.

"you didn't ask last time this happened. so i'll...just say it. the lab. chara. i don't know what their...connection to that place is. i knew about the amalgamates. i knew about the dte. i found out that that was where the flower came from. but beyond that...i just didn't see enough of it to know. i never knew chara was involved in--anything at all, until they came here. until you both explained things to me."

He stops and drops his gaze to the grass.

"whatever it is, i don't want to know it. and i know that was just...one thing. one thing, in a long line of things i've done to both of you. it had been building for awhile. the lab was just...the catalyst."

His eyelights flick up to them briefly. They know what happens when he gets mad.

"do you...think i'm going to hurt you? is that it?"

[determinedest]

"You hurt me. I hurt you. That's how it always goes."

It's far from a satisfying answer. Even if it takes a long time to make him mad, they know they have. For saying the wrong things. For asking the wrong questions. Telling him the truth about how they don't think they want to be here anymore, and then he gets angry at them for saying it. How's he supposed to like them when he never likes what it is they say?

Does that mean he ever cared about them? Or did he just feel obligated too, picking up the slack of his own promise a thousand RESETs too late?

"...you're not the person I thought you were." It slips out suddenly, swiftly, and it grits their teeth so hard that they hurt. "I'm afraid that I'll tell you something about me and you'll get mad, because you have before. I thought, maybe, the promise - you'd be that person you promised you'd be."

Someone they could rely on to feel safe around. Someone whose jacket they could drape around thin shoulders. Someone they could curl up beside while he looked at the stars.

"But you weren't."

And you aren't.

"I was just tricking myself into thinking you could be."

[punful]

They're right. Of course. They have to be. Neither of them have a choice.

But...maybe it's inaccurate, as well. There's two kinds of truth--objective and subjective.

"that's how it's always gone. but it...doesn't have to keep being like that."

When you care about someone, you hurt them. A little or a lot. It's how these things go. You just learn to...weather it, maybe. He's not sure. He's still figuring that part out.

"frisk, i've...when you tell me something and i get upset, it's not...i'm not mad at you. i'm mad at the...situation, the circumstances. i'm upset at the idea of losing you. i'm...mad at myself, for telling you things that you can use to--hurt yourself."

Never should have told them anything about Gaster and what happened to him. Never should have said a word about Erase.

"i'm sorry. that i wasn't...that i'm not good enough. i...i'd like to be someday, but you--you shouldn't have to wait for a guy like me."

[determinedest]

"How are you supposed to like me when you don't like the things I say?"

How is he supposed to like them when he doesn't like the things they do? What happens when things change further? When they gain LOVE, when they climb that ladder, should that ever come to pass? What happens when they stop being the pacifist that could SAVE a Lost Soul from their own spiraling sense of despair?

"I know it's not your fault. It's mine. I kept trying to believe something that wasn't true. And when I finally stopped believing it, I didn't know what to do." Didn't know what to do at all, except - punish him for it.

Where's the justice in that?

"I don't know how to stop being scared of you."

[punful]

"because at this point, kid, with everything we've been through, with everything i've learned...i can't not like you."

It doesn't have to be perfect anymore. This is Wonderland. It's been two years. Two years and no Reset. There's no such thing as a perfect ending. There's no such thing as a perfect timeline. This timeline that Wonderland has created for all of them, it's been up and down. A lot of down.

But it's still going.

Whatever the future holds, they're family. And he knows he doesn't have a right to it, has absolutely no right to think of them as family. Who does to family what he's done to them?

But despite that, it's what he believes. It's what he wants. Wonderland won't let him deny it anymore.

He drops his gaze again. Stares at the ground. Grass, flowers. It'll all be under the snow before too long. Asleep.

"i don't know what the right thing is. if i should...work on that, work on earning back your trust...or if you'd be safer without me around. if--if it can be fixed, then you're worth whatever it takes. if it can't, then--you don't need one more toxic person in your life. i just--i don't know. i don't know which is right."

Be an adult. Own it. Commit.

He looks up at them again.

"i want to--try. to...give you a better life, help you be happy and feel safe. can we--do you think we can? i don't want to just--decide what i think is best for you. because i don't know best. i want to...work together. does that...make any sense?"

[determinedest]

So it's not...

Really them.

It's not who Frisk is, whoever that is. How could it be, when they're not even sure themself half the time? It's not Frisk being Frisk, and it's not any characteristics unique to that person who says they'll SAVE everyone, because that's what's expected. It's just because time and fatigue wore him away until he had no choice in the matter. Just allowed things to knit together slowly.

It's fitting. And they shouldn't be disappointed; they've come to expect that.

But it still aches.

"How do we do that?" they whisper. "How do you even begin? I can't just - forget everything wrong."

[punful]

They seem disappointed. Did it wrong again. Even when he can't say anything but the truth, he still does it wrong. God, why are they still putting up with him at all? Why haven't they just told him to leave, that they never want to see him again?

He knows why. They can't switch it off. They can't just reject people. As long as there's any chance of SAVING someone or something, they have to keep trying.

"i wouldn't expect you to. i'd never ask you to. i think we can start by...well, it's ironic, but by--being more honest with each other. that's...at least that's what chara and i have been doing. tell each other what's okay and what isn't. i won't get mad if you tell me something isn't okay. i don't...i don't always know what i've done wrong. i'm not as smart as i think i am or pretend to be. sometimes i--need to be told. and i won't get mad, frisk. i really won't."

[determinedest]

“I’m tired.”

Isn’t this...exactly what they tried before? Promises and paths and certainties that all grew to be broken one by one, because they couldn’t just tel him anything. No one asks because they know what they’ll get. A lie. Something wrong. Something no one wants to hear. So why bother?

Why is anyone still bothering?

“Didn’t we try this already?”

Didn’t it fail?

[punful]

"...yeah. i know. i am, too."

But he's always tired. Always. That has very little to do with Frisk.

"i want to try again. if you want. if--that's okay. i...really dropped the ball. didn't follow through. i was...in a bad place for pretty much all of spring. and most of summer."

A lot happened, and this event might force him to dive into it all.

"i don't want to give up anymore. but you should have a say. it should be your decision. you're the one who was hurt."

[determinedest]

"I'm always hurt. And when I'm not, I find a way to - "

A jolt-stop like a heart leaping to their throat, and the snapping jaws of a trap closed tight. In front of him, it's always worse. It's not really a surprise anymore. He knows. They know he knows. But it still works its way up into their chest and squeezes, pairs with the tension of shoulders and the closure of throat. It's just another reminder that they can't really hide.

That nothing they do or say can be hidden.

"...I can't take any of it away. I can't make you stop knowing what you know. And I wish I could."

Doesn't that make them incredibly selfish? Isn't that just spitting in the face of the consequences they're supposed to know exist?

How are they supposed to allow for that?

[punful]

He winces. Just slightly. Because yeah, he knows. He's not sure if that's worse or not. If he knows, he can try and help them, stop them, like back in winter. If he doesn't know, then--well, they'd be happier. And he'd probably stop getting worried every time he doesn't hear anything from Frisk for awhile.

"i don't think less of you because of what i know. i don't hate you. i'm not mad. and if...forgetting everything would make you happy, then..."

He can't say it, though. It's not true. He puts too much value in his memory. It's all he has.

"...it should be a different sans here. a new sans. but, god, that's awful, isn't it? i've ruined everything for the next guy. he'd show up and wonder why his friend from the ruins hates him, and why his brother is more worried about him than ever, and why alphys and mettaton look at him like that. he'd have to start all over with chara. he wouldn't know a damn thing about them, or about asriel. or about you. he'd look at you and think...the human. the anomaly. the one who saved everyone, or the one who didn't. he wouldn't know anything about you. and maybe he'd do things better, but..."

He pauses and presses a hand to his forehead. He shakes his head. Everything feels swimmy, unreal.

"no, that's too cruel. i won't wish that on you or him or anyone. it's too much like a reset. i don't want to just...do that anymore. i don't want to--be him. this might be the closest we ever come to being free from all of it, and i won't just--throw it away. i'd rather...i'd rather there be a future. because if there's a future, then that means it's...it's not too late. isn't...isn't that better? isn't it better if we're allowed to move forward? i..."

He covers his mouth, but that won't keep it in.

"i don't ever want to go back."

[determinedest]

"I do."

There's no way to keep that in, either. It works out behind lips pressed shut and it darkens their brow and it runs up their spine in a hot-tin shiver. Is that not horrible?

"Everything here got complicated. I'm supposed to make it simple. I could. I want to. I want to take back everything I've done."

They want to - stop having consequences, ha ha. What kind of terrible person thinks that? What kind of person, after lifetimes of having that lesson impressed upon them, decides that it's not worth it to keep adhering to it? Isn't that the whole point, here? Aren't they supposed to be subject to the same consequences?

How is anyone supposed to forgive that?

[punful]

It's surprising. But then he thinks about it and...it's not so surprising. Especially when they explain it. They're supposed to make it simple. And nothing is simple here, nothing has been simple for years now. They want to fix it. They want simplicity.

They don't want the fallout. The consequences. Who ever really does?

He gives a quiet sigh, digging his hands deeper into his pockets.

"you're a kid, frisk. you're just a kid. kids are supposed to make mistakes and learn from them. that doesn't stop when you grow up, either. you just...know more. it gets a little easier. you didn't have a chance to grow up back underground. here...you do. as much as wonderland allows, at least. and growing up is...the hardest damn thing in the world. it hurts. and you got so used to being able to fix everything. we kept relying on you to fix everything. that's not your fault, kid. getting used to how things are...that's not your fault."

He shakes his head again.

"not wanting to face consequences doesn't make you a bad person. who ever really wants to face that stuff? the thing is, you...keep trying. you've kept trying. even when you don't want to. that's the important thing, kiddo. and you've got a lot of people to help you."

Even if they do end up rejecting Sans, they'll still have the others. They won't be alone.

[determinedest]

"So when are you going to change your mind again?"

It's...tired. It's so tired. They'd love to be able to say they're listening to every word, that there's a reason to listen at all, but...is there? Is there anything here but platitudes he's issued before, only to renege on them when it's most convenient?

"Face consequences. But now you don't have to." Their eyes have hooded, closed at half-mast. They aren't looking at him anymore. "Make a promise. But only when I say. Tell me when things are wrong. But don't, because then I get mad. I don't want you to change. But please stop getting into trouble. Don't disappear. But it's okay if I do."

How are they supposed to tell?

How are they supposed to tell what his word means, at any given time, when it's always being shifted around?

"I'm tired of guessing what adults really mean. They always lie. Like I'm too stupid to figure it out."

[punful]

He's quiet.

Sans does not have integrity. He changes his mind. Changes his opinions. Moves the goalposts. Yanks the rug, keeps people off-balance.

This is why he's toxic. This is why he'll never know if he's doing the right thing or not, because the right thing seems to change daily.

"that's not what i said."

He says it quietly, without much emotion at all. Semantics. It doesn't even matter.

"you don't have a choice but to face consequences. none of us do. i just think it's normal to not want to. and do you think i'm just...not gonna care when you tell me you want to erase yourself? when you try?"

Was he just supposed to sit there and let it happen, like he would have underground? Like he probably did, underground?

"so don't guess. ask me. i can't lie right now. and--i'll do everything in my power to tell you the truth from now on. you just gotta ask. and i gotta ask, too. cause otherwise, we just--keep talking past each other. we keep hearing what we wanna hear. we keep assuming things. i've been terrible about that. i'm trying to do better."

[determinedest]

"It's more important for you to say that isn't what you said. Does it matter? It's what I heard."

Because he's still not hearing them. All these words, all these things he keeps saying, and he still isn't hearing a thing they say.

They're not surprised. They're still not. How could they be? They know how things are, now, with him. He lets them down. He lets them down, has let them down, and will continue to let them down.

"You're still not listening, either. Maybe you're telling the truth now. I won't know if you are when it's over. You'll change your mind again. It's what you do."

Or maybe he'll find a loophole there, too. Something else he said that he didn't say. Just set them up to walk away believing it.

He's good at that, isn't he?

Guilt.

It's his superpower.

[punful]

"...you're right. sorry."

Just shut up, Sans. It doesn't matter. The semantics, the details. Just stop. Just stop already.

And they're right about this as well. He can make a promise while he can't help but tell the truth, but what good is it? They all know what he's like with promises. They all know how often he changes his mind.

"i can't make you believe me or trust me. i wouldn't even if i could."

It's relieving, to hear himself admit it, that the words make it past his teeth. That as bad as he is, at least he's not that bad.

"i'm...not gonna give up on you."

But if they give up on him...

He doesn't get a say in that. If that's how it is...then that's how it is. If they want him to go, he'll go. And he'll keep believing in them from a distance.

For all the good it does anyone.

"what...what can i do?".

He already knows the answer.

They've answered this before.

[determinedest]

He wouldn't, even if he could.

Why is he still bothering? They're not...are they not being clear? Maybe it's just hard to be clear when they don't even know what they're supposed to be, right now. What they're supposed to feel. He's just someone else they're hurting, just for being here. Trying to form a line and a barrier and stand up for themself, but when they do, it's...the wrong thing.

"You said I should...that I didn't have to forgive you. You said that I should try to stop letting things just happen to me."

Isn't that what they're doing?

Isn't that what he wanted?

"I don't know. How am I supposed to know how to do anything?"

[punful]

"you don't have to forgive me. you're allowed to tell me you can't. you're allowed to tell me to just get lost. you're allowed to tell me--anything. and whatever you say, i won't get mad. i just--i just don't know what you want from me. and i'm too scared to guess. i'm too scared of making it worse for you."

He scrubs at his face with both hands.

"all i want--all i want anymore is for you to be happy and safe. whatever that means. i want you to have a chance to--recover, grow up. i just don't know what--what my role is in that. if there is one at all. i don't know what to do, kid, so i'm asking. please. i'm not trying to guilt you, i'm not trying to manipulate you into some, some kind of perfect answer. i won't hate you. i can't. you're family."

It just slips out, unadorned, and god, that makes things so, so much worse.

"i just want to help, if i can. i just want to know if there's--hope."

[determinedest]

"So why are you looking for it here?"

Why me?

Are they just - some hope he has, some abstracted yearning for a redemption that might or might not exist? They don't understand, can't understand. Plainly he wants this from them, but why does he want it from them? What have they done in any of the months they've spent here, any of the past year, to merit that?

What have they ever done but push and pull and prod and say things like this?

"Why are we family? Why...is it me? Is there anything about me that ever...?"

Could it have been anyone?

Could it have been any Frisk?

There are hundreds of them. There could be thousands. What else are they supposed to do? What is it about them, about this Frisk, that is - even remotely special, to him? What is it about them that's so appealing that he thinks they can be his redemption?

Why do they have to be his redemption?

"It never mattered before."

Isn't it too late for it to start mattering now?

[punful]

"that's not what i...it's not about me. it's about you. your happiness."

He's just...it's becoming clear, even if they don't outright say it. He's standing in the way of their happiness. Like he stands in the way of everything. How can they be happy, when he knows what he knows? When he makes them feel the way he makes them feel?

"it's mattered since you came here."

Why would they believe that they matter to him at all?

"it was cold when you arrived. i let you borrow my jacket. we had the first honest discussion we've ever had. then chara showed up, and you weren't sure what to make of them, and i--misjudged them right away. but you said you'd look after them, and i told you i trusted you. and you did. you did look after 'em."

Two years. It's almost two years for both kids now. So much has happened.

"you helped me get to safety during that first zombie event. i caught you when ford switched off the gravity, and you told me that i was a good person. i think you even believed it. when you died in the tunnels, i wasn't sure you'd ever want to speak to me again. i thought distancing myself was the right thing to do. it wasn't. but you forgave me, somehow."

Did they mean it? Even then, did they mean it? He didn't deserve it, certainly.

"you said you wanted a hoodie like mine. you said we were family. and i was--scared. i wasn't ready. caring about someone that much was so...frightening. didn't realize until too late that i already cared. you talked to me, let me talk about...stuff i'd never spoken about with anyone. when i died, you...sat with me and we dropped mints into soda. you were patient. in neverland, when you didn't know me at all, you still wanted to protect me. to help. you listened. you've been there for me. i've tried to be there for you, and i've fallen--short. i've let you down."

He goes quiet for a bit. He's not sure what he's saying. There's a point here somewhere, he just...

He's talked so much. Why? Why is he doing this?

Isn't there some truth here he's simply not accepting?

"you said your favorite color was red. you said your favorite flavor was butterscotch cinnamon. you like licorice too, though. you prefer long sleeves. comfortable things. handmade stuff."

His eyelights dim, and he sags a little.

"you're imperfect. you make mistakes. you underestimate yourself. you overestimate yourself. if someone has to save you or help you, you think it's because you failed. but it's not."

This isn't helping.

"you're a kid."

He's going to really lose them this time.

"you deserve better than me. than all of us. you deserve the world. you deserve people who have never, ever hurt you."

It's over, isn't it?

So why is he still talking?

"family is...complicated. you're complicated. this...is complicated. and you might never forgive me. but you're family. and...no matter what else happens, i'll always think of you as family. as someone i--love. until wonderland sends me home."

It's over.