we laughed at the darkness (OTA)

[endingpoint]

Who: Jane Doe, you
Where: various
When: through the month of December
Rating: PG-PG-13 possibly
Summary: Jane hasn't left her room since she got back. Very short network post included.
Note: She may seem antisocial but she's not. New CR may take her mind off of things, and close CR might get to hear the whole story.
The Story:

[ On Monday morning, there is a short, to the point text post that goes out: ]

The tattoo parlor is closed until further notice. Sorry for the inconvenience.

[ Once that's done, Jane has to decide if she actually wants to leave the room. She hasn't since their rooms changed back after the last event, she's just moved from living room to bedroom, alternating. She can deal with everything that happened, the bounty on her head, leaving Kurt for two years to keep him and his daughter safe. What she hasn't been able to cope with well at all has been knowing that she had a daughter eighteen years ago. Jane was a teenager, but she can't remember it. She can't remember being pregnant or giving birth. Cant remember holding her daughter or memorizing her face.

All Jane knows is that she hadn't wanted to give up her child if the intel she has is to be trusted. Which means Shepherd forced Jane - then Remi - to give up her infant. But the real problem is, can she trust anything? Can she trust a man who was a master forger, someone who worked for her mother and was in her pocket? How can she know her brother isn't manipulating her, trying to make her feel something that isn't real?

How could she forget something as intimate as her child growing inside of her?

Kurt's trying to help, he's trying to soothe, but it can feel suffocating and like it's just too much at times. She knows he means well, but there are times she has to get out of the room. He can't help her, not with this, so she does begin to leave the room periodically. She goes to the bar that's quietest, not the one run by Lucifer, and not the one Sarah works at, and nurses bourbon for hours. Some days, Jane sits on the beach for long periods of time, even with the chill in the air wearing only a hoodie and pants, arms wrapped around her knees, holding herself. She doesn't feel like sparring or sketching, so wherever she goes, she's simply, quiet. The library helps with that too, to sit and be still, not even necessarily doing anything important. She can wander there and look at interesting things, let something else occupy her mind for a while.

There is one night, late, that she goes to the roof and sits, and cries. Nothing loud, nothing gut-wrenching. Just quiet tears of grief and anger, of not knowing what to believe. Of knowing once again, her life has been violated and it's either the truth or a sick mind game her brother is playing.

Eventually, though, she always goes home to Kurt, quietly slipping into bed whether it's a normal time for sleeping or not. ]

Comments

[startingpoint]

But what if it's really true, Jane? Just...it may be a better idea to think about both possibilities.

[endingpoint]

[ Jane runs a hand through her hair, swallowing hard and then getting up to pace their room as she speaks. ]

If - if I had a baby, how could I just forget that? How could I...

[ She shakes her head, closing her eyes tightly and standing still now. Slowly, both hands move to her stomach, pressing there, as if trying to feel some phantom kicks, a sign of the life she used to hold inside of her. ]

How could I give that up? Let go of that memory? How could I give up my own baby?

[startingpoint]

[ This is what makes him feel helpless. She's asking him questions, she's seeking answers from him, and that's when he feels like he should have an answer. He should have something to say to her in response, but he doesn't know what to say. He wants to have those answers, to be able to fix it. ]

You were drugged, you had your memory erased. That wasn't your fault, Jane.

[endingpoint]

It was my choice. That part of it. I could have run, I could have left, gone somewhere Shepherd couldn't find me and instead, I let her convince me this was the better idea.

[ Maybe she didn't give up her baby willingly, but she also didn't fight back. And that's what hurts the most. ]

If I had a baby I gave her up and didn't even try.

[ Her voice breaks, and she turns her back to Kurt, covering her face with her hands. ]

[startingpoint]

[ Kurt doesn't know what else to do, stepping forward, resting a hand on her shoulder. ]

No. It wasn't. Shepherd brainwashed you, you didn't have a choice.

[endingpoint]

[ She's not shutting him out, she's just emotional, so she turns to look at him, meeting his eyes. ]

Could you ever abandon Bethany? Let someone take her away from you forever?

[startingpoint]

[ He knows he can't understand the pain she's in, but he can try to soothe it. He reaches out to cradle her face tenderly. ]

I wouldn't. But the circumstances are different, Jane. You were under her control.

[endingpoint]

[ Jane just looks so exhausted, the fight leaving her, and she looks up at Kurt, her eyes filled with tears. She whispers, finally admitting the truth so quietly. ]

I had a baby. I had a daughter.

[startingpoint]

[ He knows how hard this is for her. Or he does as much as he can. He hasn't lived this, and he can't, but he can try to be here for her the way he has been. He's not sure what to even say in response, he just nods a little, reaching out just lightly to wrap her up in his arms. ]

[endingpoint]

[ Jane cries in his arms for a little while before taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. ]

I'm afraid for her. And I've never even met her. If he's screwing with me, what is he doing to her?

[startingpoint]

[ So much of the time lately, Kurt has no answers, nothing he can say to really soothe her. He's completely useless, other than just holding her. ]

I don't know, Jane.

[endingpoint]

Her life is probably better without me in it.

[ It's a sad realization as she lets out a breath and closes her eyes. ]

As long as I don't reach out to her, if she can stay happy and safe away from me, then that's how it should be, I think.

[startingpoint]

[ It's tearing him apart to know how much she's breaking because of this. He doesn't know what to say or do, but the words leave her mouth and it's pure instinct that has him responding. He tenderly cradles her face, thumb stroking her cheek. ]

How could anyone's life be better without you in it?

[ His lips press tenderly to her forehead, lingering. ]

[endingpoint]

[ His words make her chest ache, and she believes him, she doesn't doubt him, and yet: ]

There's so much you wouldn't have had to go through if your name hadn't been tattooed on my back.

[ Mayfair would still be alive, for starters. Countless people at the field office. Patterson would never have been tortured by Shepherd. Sometimes, it feels like all she does is bring terrible things to the people around her. If she can keep that from happening with her daughter then she will. ]

[startingpoint]

[ That thought just doesn't compute for him. At all. ]

How could I ever think that? Jane, I love you. Nothing about my life would be any better without you.

[endingpoint]

[ Sometimes, hearing someone say something like that is enough. Sometimes, only the person you love can pull you back from feeling like you're being suffocated by nothing. He hasn't lived everything the way she has, so maybe he'll feel differently when and if he goes home, but right now she's clinging to that, to his words, like a lifeline.

Looking up at him, she kisses him deeply and keeps him close as if maybe she can right her wrongs like this, with a kiss full of everything she feels for him. ]

[startingpoint]

[ There's so much that's broken in her again, and for Kurt, it doesn't line up in his mind. The last memory he has of them at home together is just pure happiness, hope and excitement for the future. But now there's this, the woman he loves just a shell of herself again and he feels so empty in some ways, wondering how they get back there. He can't even see it in his sights now, that peacefulness just a distant memory. He's trying to hold onto it, trying so hard to bring her back, but he feels like he's losing her again. He wonders when he'll stop feeling like that, like his grip on her is tenuous at best, able to be severed with one bad situation. There's so much that keeps happening, that reminds her of her past, making her feel unworthy, and though he can catch his breath for a little while, he wonders when he'll lose her again.

God, he hopes this is it, but he just doesn't know. Clinging to her, he kisses her deeply, trying to sink into this. ]

[endingpoint]

[ Jane knows on some level what this is doing to Kurt, how this is destroying him slowly. He always needs to be able to fix what's wrong which isn't a bad thing. She just doesn't know how to let him do it. Her emotions can only be dealt with in their own time and in the meantime, she knows she has to let him in more, she has to let him love her and dote on her. ]

Thank you for taking care of me.

[ She says that softly, nuzzling against his nose and breathing him in. ]

I know I haven't...let you in very much. I'm sorry. But it's never because of you. You're perfect, Kurt. You have been. You always have been. You're the only person holding me together, and I love you. More than anything.

[startingpoint]

[ He doesn't think he's been the best husband lately either. He's been so caught up in how to help her, he hasn't...really been as present as he feels like he should have been or could have been. Kissing her forehead tenderly, he strokes her cheek. ]

You never have to be sorry. You're allowed to feel what you feel, Jane. I'm always gonna take care of you. I love you so much, Jane.

[endingpoint]

[ Her hand takes his and she kisses his palm, then presses his hand flat to her chest in a reciprocal gesture from what feels like forever ago. He'd done it to her to calm her down, and she'd done it back in her safe house. It was the first time she knew she felt something for him. ]

You're my starting point, Kurt. Nothing will change that. Whatever we face now, we face it together. We start with each other.