entrancelogs | we laughed at the darkness (OTA)

Who: Jane Doe, you
Where: various
When: through the month of December
Rating: PG-PG-13 possibly
Summary: Jane hasn't left her room since she got back. Very short network post included.
Note: She may seem antisocial but she's not. New CR may take her mind off of things, and close CR might get to hear the whole story.
The Story:

[ On Monday morning, there is a short, to the point text post that goes out: ]

The tattoo parlor is closed until further notice. Sorry for the inconvenience.

[ Once that's done, Jane has to decide if she actually wants to leave the room. She hasn't since their rooms changed back after the last event, she's just moved from living room to bedroom, alternating. She can deal with everything that happened, the bounty on her head, leaving Kurt for two years to keep him and his daughter safe. What she hasn't been able to cope with well at all has been knowing that she had a daughter eighteen years ago. Jane was a teenager, but she can't remember it. She can't remember being pregnant or giving birth. Cant remember holding her daughter or memorizing her face.

All Jane knows is that she hadn't wanted to give up her child if the intel she has is to be trusted. Which means Shepherd forced Jane - then Remi - to give up her infant. But the real problem is, can she trust anything? Can she trust a man who was a master forger, someone who worked for her mother and was in her pocket? How can she know her brother isn't manipulating her, trying to make her feel something that isn't real?

How could she forget something as intimate as her child growing inside of her?

Kurt's trying to help, he's trying to soothe, but it can feel suffocating and like it's just too much at times. She knows he means well, but there are times she has to get out of the room. He can't help her, not with this, so she does begin to leave the room periodically. She goes to the bar that's quietest, not the one run by Lucifer, and not the one Sarah works at, and nurses bourbon for hours. Some days, Jane sits on the beach for long periods of time, even with the chill in the air wearing only a hoodie and pants, arms wrapped around her knees, holding herself. She doesn't feel like sparring or sketching, so wherever she goes, she's simply, quiet. The library helps with that too, to sit and be still, not even necessarily doing anything important. She can wander there and look at interesting things, let something else occupy her mind for a while.

There is one night, late, that she goes to the roof and sits, and cries. Nothing loud, nothing gut-wrenching. Just quiet tears of grief and anger, of not knowing what to believe. Of knowing once again, her life has been violated and it's either the truth or a sick mind game her brother is playing.

Eventually, though, she always goes home to Kurt, quietly slipping into bed whether it's a normal time for sleeping or not. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[He watches her intently as she speaks, and files that description away for future reference. Blond, 6'1, facial scar. Doesn't sound as if he'd be a hard guy to spot.]

If I see 'im, I won't let 'im get near you.

[Now, he does reach out to take her hand, clasping it between both of his.]

Y' got my word.

[ Jane clings to that hand and takes a deep breath that suspiciously sounds like she's trying not to cry. ]

Thank you. You have no idea how much that means to me.

[ She could really use a hug, but for now she just holds onto him, shaking a little because Jesus, this is all catching up with her, and on some level, she's just afraid. ]

I don't think my past will ever stop trying to ruin my future.

Know how that is, sweetheart.

[He keeps a firm hold on her hand, squeezing it gently between his, and shifts to the edge of his seat. In all the time he's known Jane he's never seen her this distressed, and they've grown close enough in that time that it stings him to witness it.]

Hey... c'mon. [One hand moves up to her shoulder, gently chafing her upper arm.] Y' ever need t' talk about this, y' always know how t' find me, yeah?

[ Having a friend like this feels like such a long time coming. Of trying to prove herself over and over again. So, she's more grateful to Dan than she can ever express and nods, wiping at her eyes. ]

I know. I'll talk to you if I need anything.

[ Now that she knows she's not burdening him. That's what she always hates - feeling like she's a bother. ]

Kurt wants to be able to fix this, so bad. I hate that I don't have a solution for him.

[A nod. He can't force her to talk to him about a damn thing but he does hope that she will speak to him if she does need him. Offers like that aren't made without meaning behind them.

Again, he squeezes her hand, trying to help that little bit with the contact.]

Sometimes there ain't no solution. Not fer somethin' like this.

[A sigh.]

Y' jus' gotta... be ready fer what might happen.

[ Jane nods, thinking about that. ]

I had a baby, and my baby's gone. It didn't even just happen. It was eighteen years ago. Should I be this...upset about something I can't remember? Do I have a right to be?

No one's place t' tell y' what y' do an' don't got a right t' be upset about.

[Dan never had a family - he can't understand that kind of pain in a way that allows himself to put himself in her position - but he understands loss, and he understands feeling that you have no right to grieve.

He rubs her arm lightly, at a loss of what to say but still wanting to offer some comfort.]

Y' upset about the loss, or that y' don't remember?

[ Well, that's a good question. ]

I...had a life growing inside of me, Dan. I had a baby, I held her. I wanted her. And I don't remember any of it. How could I forget being pregnant? Giving birth?

Mind's a strange thing.

[Dan sighs, looks down at his hands, then grips beneath the seat of his chair to scoot it around closer to her side. He hesitates, but gently puts an arm around her, patting her shoulder.]

Y' know what made y' forget?

Yeah.

[ She wipes at her cheek and lets out a soft breath. ]

My mother...used a drug to erase everything. Covered me in tattoos and sent me to the FBI.

FBI?

[... Never mind that. He waves the question off with one hand and a quick shake of his head. His hand chafes gently along her upper arm.]

The hell was yer mother thinkin' doin' somethin' like that?

A government agency.

[ She can at least supply that. ]

And she was psychotic, truly. She raised my brother and I to hate everything, to hate the government. Brainwashed us, really. Taught us how to fight, how to kill, and when the time was right, I was the star player of her plan.

[ Jane looks down, twisting her wedding ring on her finger. ]

A baby didn't fit into those plans.

... 'M sorry.

[He places his hand gently over hers as she fidgets, squeezing his fingers over her knuckles. Dan's been through a lot in his life - more than most could say they'd ever come close to experiencing - but never anything he could compare to that.]

I mean-- shit, Jane. I don't even know what t' say.

It's okay. No one does. I mean, there's nothing you can say.

[ But he's here for her, so she sort of leans against him and squeezes his hand. ]

If I didn't have people in Wonderland like you, like Evelyn, I think I'd feel a little more lost than I do. Knowing I have people to turn to makes it...I don't know. It makes it feel like someone cares about what happened to me. What is happening.

Feelin's right.

[He lightly chafes her arm and sighs, lifting his eyes to the ceiling of the room and following the edge where it meets the nearest wall.]

Never really been used t' bein' the kind'a person folks turn to like this, but... reckon I don't mind it.

I've never been someone who turns to people for conversations like this. But you've made it feel okay.

[ She smiles softly at him, then squeezes his hand tenderly. ]

I should get back to my room.

we laughed at the darkness (OTA)

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