entrancelogs | open } I'll forever be whatever you want me to be

Entry tags:

open } I'll forever be whatever you want me to be

Who: Jane Weller + You
Where: Gardens
When: Weekend of July 6th
Rating: PG
Summary: Jane found out some news at home and now she's obsessed.
The Story:

[ Now that the library has robots, it's not a place Jane super wants to be, so she uses the closet to get a few books and then heads outside. It's hot, but she's never super minded the heat and she's wearing shorts now with a white t-shirt, sitting under a tree for at least shade. Spread out around her are different books on pregnancy, from the traditional What to Except When You're Expecting to a week to week book one what to expect moment by moment. She even has What to Expect Before You're Excepting since she's not currently pregnant in Wonderland.

Jane even has a highlighter out, going through books as she reads them and highlighting certain parts. She's definitely botherable, in a good mood and just reading happily. ]

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[It's not even an event, and yet here he is anyway. He's erring on the side of overdressed, still in a buttonup and cardigan despite the temperature. It's not his intent to interrupt her reading, but he's been watching her for some time. A prospective mother. What kind of woman is she? What sort of child does she intend to bring into the world? Babies are a sign of potential, but also of weakness. She's wishing vulnerability upon herself. She's welcoming liability into her life.

If she happens to look up and catch his eye, he'll nod to her in a passive greeting. There's no faint turn at the corner of his mouth, and no recognition in his expression, but there's no need to disturb her peace. She may carry on as she likes.]

[ The truth is, even though they've interacted, they've only had one conversation outside of an event. So she thinks she semi-knows him, but she doesn't know him. Still, when she sees Fitz looking at her, she smiles just a little. ]

Hey, Fitz. Heard you went home for a little while. I know it's a weird thing to say, but welcome back?

[ For now, she puts her book aside, turning down a corner to mark her spot. ]

[Another bloody one who knows him. More reason to lay on the passivity, to hem and haw and stammer like an insecure child, or risk finding out that this one is secretly Peggy Carter's best mate or some rubbish like that.]

Word travels quickly, it seems. I hope I didn't miss too much while I was away.

[Is she another agent? She's certainly not part of Hydra in his world. It'll be easier , most likely, if he attempts the standby excuse. It seems like it might be the more acceptable route.]

And -- well. I also hope it isn't offensive if I ask you your name.

[He'd thought there might be some resistance to claiming memory loss, but half of the residents here seem to expect it. Such an odd little community...]

[ Jane gives a gentle frown. She knows from memory loss, but was he really gone that long? ]

It's not offensive. I'm Jane. Do you...remember being here at all?

[ He was looking at her like he knew her, so she had no idea anything was off. ]

[She looks a little discouraged by it. Were they close? Will he gain access to new spaces by befriending her?]

I'm afraid I don't. But I'm working on recovering those relationships, if we're friends.

[ Were they friends? They certainly don't 'hang out.' But he has been someone she's turned to for advice, for guidance even, maybe. ]

I think we were working on that. On becoming friends. Right now, you've helped me with a few things. My brother looks exactly like someone from your world, and you, Daisy and I worked together to figure out if we were all from the same place. But we're not. That was a while ago, though. I went through something pretty terrible a few months back, and we talked it out together. You're a great listener.

[ She smiles a little, hoping she's not offending him, at least. ]

So you're from a world with alternative versions of people who look identical.

[And you just become exponentially more interesting, young mother-to-be. For once, there's a benefit to how much of a doormat his doppelganger was.]

If that's the case, then I'd hope you'd trust me enough to rekindle such a friendship-to-be.

[He gives a nod to her book.]

Are you and your partner trying?

Technically, I think we all are? There's a woman who's been here before who looks exactly like me, but she's some...goddess warrior from another world. Literally.

[ Such an inspiration for Jane. Meeting Lady Sif had really been something. ]

Of course; you've always been kind to me. We just happen to meet and talk when this place turns sideways for a few days and terrible things are going on around us.

[ When he nods toward the book, she can't help smiling just a little. ]

We found out that back home, I already am. Pregnant, I mean. A close friend left and went through about six months before coming back and letting us know.

[His eyebrows raise and his eyes narrow at that. In another lifetime, he might have laughed about it.]

A "goddess warrior." That sounds more like an alien with an ego issue.

[She probably even tricked half the populace into worshiping her as a God... Those types really will stop at nothing to invade and assimilate. It's disgusting, really.]

But a pregnancy makes everything that much better. [She's propagating her species. She's creating more pure humans. There's nothing to fault about that.] It seems congratulations are in order.

She was actually really nice. Humble, too. At least now I know why a lot of people from your world called me 'Sif' when I first showed up.

[ The tattoos hadn't seemed to make much of a difference in identifying her, which in hindsight is odd, considering Jane met her doppelganger and there wasn't a tattoo in sight.

Smiling softly, Jane ducks her head in an appreciative nod. ]

Thank you. I don't mind being here, most of the time, but now I kind of have a reason to want to leave.

It's an act, generally. When they appear good-natured, it's intended to get you to lower your guard. Skepticism can be a lifesaver at times.

[Perhaps now isn't the time to try to engage with her about this particular issue. They'll learn in time, or will die in the shuffle.]

All the more reason to find an escape for you before your child comes to term. [and maybe he hasn't quite gotten hold of all the intricacies of their place outside the timeline yet.]

[ Jane can't really remember if Fitz had this same tone to his voice before; if he carried himself the same way. Her disadvantage in only talking to him during events, for the most part, is not having a good handle on his general personality. ]

Oh, no, I'm not pregnant here, I think the timing is a little off. But honestly, I wouldn't mind leaving now if it meant I could finally live the life I've wanted to for a long time.

[During events, he seemed like he'd been most concerned with his own invisibility. He was mousey at the best of times, and occasionally fully downtrodden. It's a notable difference from how this conversation started, though he's been making significantly less eye contact since learning that they were previously acquainted. Can't have her running off raising hackles when they've started to lower again.]

You aren't worried about the potential for memory loss, then? What if you prepare this much only to lose it all later?

[ Jane shrugs a little, shaking her head. ]

I've lived an entire life and forgotten it already. It's nothing new. The only difference is being aware I don't know what happened to me for the first thirty years of my life. At least when I leave here I won't ever know there's something missing.

[That's traumatic, to say the least. Is this something their world's Fitz already knew about her? He might need to be careful about the questions he asks from this point on.]

At least you're taking it in stride now. There's probably something liberating in that.

I have to. I can't...focus on what I don't know. Just on what I do, and what I know, right now, is that I'm making a life for myself that's all mine. Not dictated by anyone else.

[ She's talked with Fitz about this before, so to her - no other context needed. ]

Independence is a rare gift indeed. Most people never realize there's anything wrong with living under someone else's thumb.

[Freedom is an illusion, mostly. People scramble for their petty victories and ignore the larger world around them. Her life will surely be swallowed up by something else.]

I'm happy for you. [No matter what his lack of expression might otherwise indicate.]

It took erasing everything I knew about my past to realize it.

[ Even if it'd been Remi's plan and it hadn't gone right, Jane had done everything she could. ]

Thank you, Fitz. I appreciate it. Are you doing all right?

[ It isn't just about her, after all, and she knows he went home for a little while. ]

[Ah. She's been sent for re-education. So this version of her is most likely some sort of sleeper agent. He can't help but wonder about what triggers her. Who does she serve, while she thinks she's become her own master?]

Oh, me? I'm as well as can be expected. Right now, I'm learning what I can about the life I used to lead here. It's become more of a process than I was expecting.

I can imagine. I don't know of anyone who left for that short of a timeframe and didn't remember anything about this place when they returned.

[ For a second, something makes her go down a specific path. If his memory had been erased at home, wouldn't that stick here, too? You come to Wonderland as you are...right? She frowns at this flicker of thought but lets it go, frown slipping away, slight as it was. ]

If I can help with anything, I'm happy to.

How short was it, exactly? [Of all the things they've been gushing about while they hover over him, a timeframe hasn't come up.]

Oh, um...a week? Usually when people leave and their things stay, that's about how long they're gone. It might have been a couple of days beyond that, but not by much.

[ She isn't a hundred percent sure how long he specifically was gone, but she knows what the usual parameters are. ]

[ Patterson didn't go looking specifically for her friend, but one quick glance at her studying pregnancy books like she's cramming for a final exam, and Patterson bites her lip, an expression on her face that's a mixture of fondness and amusement. ]

Does your husband fully appreciate how adorable you are? Because you're winning the award for cutest mom-to-be right now.

[ Jane smiles so hard her cheeks hurt, and she ducks her head for a second before closing her book. ]

I promise I am fully appreciated for trying to learn as much as I can in a place where, as soon as I leave, I'll forget it all.

But maybe if you study really hard you'll do what literally no one has ever done before and...remember everything when you go back home?

[ Right. Sure. ]

You know you're gonna be a natural at this, right? I wanted to say that because I get the feeling you have this silly idea in your head that you won't be super great?

Well. Didn't have the world's best mother to go by.

[ She lets out a soft breath, looking down a little so that her hair hides her face for a second. But then she looks back up at Patterson. ]

Neither one of us had uh...parents that really panned out.

[ It must be scary. She gets it. But she reaches out to cover her friend's hand for a moment. ]

You knew me maybe...two months, if that, when David died? And I just couldn't break down in front of anyone else. But with you, I could let go. I don't know why. I don't know how I knew, but you were...safe. And you probably doubted yourself then, too, but you still knew what to do. You know why? Because you think with your heart first.

Even though you didn't know yet if you could really trust me?

[ Those first few months were shaky, honestly. She wasn't sure of herself at all, let alone sure of how everyone else saw her. Especially Tasha and Reade. ]

Other than Kurt, you were the only person who believed in me.

Unless you're a really, really good manipulator and total psychopath - which, for the record, I don't think you are at all - no one holds someone like that while they cry and still wants to kill them. So yeah, I kind of knew by then I could trust you.

There's plenty of things someone could fake, and I know from experience. [ Borden will always be a painful memory for her. ] But not you. You were the real deal.

[ Jane smiles softly; she didn't even realize she needed the reassurance but now that she has it, it's good. ]

At least we've both had practice with Bethany. Although, it's been a while. Still, we had our fair share of overnights, even though I know that isn't the same.

Maybe not completely the same, but pretty close, right? You still had diaper duty, feeding duty, tantrum duty. The whole bedtime thing is kind of a nightmare, I hear? So if you've seen all of that, you're ahead of the game. It's like going in to take the SAT and knowing all the questions ahead of time.

Point well taken.

[ Jane smiles at that, then stretches her legs out, looking at Patterson. ]

I told Kurt I...think we should move back to Colorado. I know it'll be hard to leave, again. But Bethany's still there and now he's gonna have a brother or sister. They deserve to be close, the way Sarah and Kurt are.

[ She's actually a little surprised by that. Not on Kurt's end, that guy is such a dopey romantic who wants to have the perfect home life. But Jane - she seems too restless for that. ]

You think you could really be happy there? Like, in all honesty. This is a circle of trust.

Honestly?

[ Jane takes a deep breath and lets it out, just thinking over her words before she says them. ]

I don't think I let myself believe at first, that it could all last, and then when it didn't I thought I'd proven something to myself. But...lesson learned. Patterson, I needed to learn more about myself and explore who I was outside of Kurt, but as soon as I saw him again, it was just...I dunno. Like a piece of something slid back into place.

That makes sense. Love is scary for anyone, but especially you two.

[ Love is just super scary, period. ]

So now you guys are together, you're pretty solid, and you can see yourself really settling down with a husband, a baby, and that small town life in Colorado?

Are you trying to talk me out of it or encourage me?

[ She asks that with an amused smile. ]

But maybe, if she'll come with us, Avery too? I don't know what she's like yet and maybe she has her own life, but you said she lives with us, so maybe all of us, together. If I can have that, I don't want to give up on it again.

[ Quickly and urgently, as her eyes widen a little: ]

No! No, no, no. You should totally go. I mean, I want you to be where you're happy. The part of me that still a little bit believes in love wants you guys to make it, like one of us has to. I mean two of us have to. One couple. [ Pause. ] You get it.

And Avery - I think she would? She thinks you guys are cool old nerds. [ Patterson teases with a smirk. ]

I do get it.

[ She smiles and reaches out to squeeze her hand. She wishes Patterson didn't feel so broken, but she understands why. Sometimes she wonders if she ever broke Kurt that way too, but now's not the time for a question like that. ]

There's so much to think about now, and the kicker is I won't even remember when I leave here. But it's too good not to think about.

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