[ en ] tranceway . m . o . d . s. (
vitaelamorte) wrote in
entrancelogs2019-02-23 07:59 am
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Entry tags:
- #open,
- ahs: misty day,
- dangan ronpa: kiyotaka ishimaru,
- dangan ronpa: kokichi oma,
- fables: grendel,
- gravity falls: dipper pines,
- gravity falls: mabel pines,
- gravity falls: stanley pines,
- gravity falls: wendy corduroy,
- jjba: jolyne kujo,
- marvel: natasha romanoff,
- marvel: steve rogers,
- mlp: starlight glimmer,
- mlp: sunburst,
- newsflesh: georgia mason,
- newsflesh: shaun mason,
- outlander: bree randall,
- outlander: claire fraser,
- outlander: jamie fraser,
- over the garden wall: wirt,
- psych: juliet o'hara,
- steven universe: steven universe,
- the vampire diaries: klaus mikaelson,
- the walking dead game: clementine,
- the walking dead game: louis,
- the walking dead: michonne,
- umineko: ange ushiromiya
+ Guilt Runs Deep
Who: Everyone!
Where: The Mansion
When: Feb 23-25
Rating: Please warn in top level subject lines for potential triggers/NSFW
Summary: Various residents are trapped in their own guilt, watching their guiltiest memory play on a loop.
The Story:
Welcome to the gathering post for the event. Please see the plotting post for more information + the bulletin board link. Have fun!
Where: The Mansion
When: Feb 23-25
Rating: Please warn in top level subject lines for potential triggers/NSFW
Summary: Various residents are trapped in their own guilt, watching their guiltiest memory play on a loop.
The Story:
Welcome to the gathering post for the event. Please see the plotting post for more information + the bulletin board link. Have fun!
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[ She says it so matter-of-factly, looking up at him, her eyes bright and shining, the promise of infection ravaging her body. Claire instinctively holds the baby closer as if he might try to take her away now, before she's ready. ]
It's my punishment. I asked impossible things of you. Selfish things that shouldn't have meant more to me than you and our child.
[ And in the end, it hadn't mattered anyway. Johnathan Wolverton Randall wasn't even Frank's direct ancestor in the end. It wouldn't have mattered. ]
I lost our baby, Jamie.
[ The loop continues and now, Claire looks up as Louise inserts herself and tells Claire that it's time. With one last kiss to Faith's forehead, Claire gives her over and then falls apart, sobbing uncontrollably, her grief echoing in the cathedral. ]
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[ His voice breaks, his eyes closing tightly to hold back the tears, but it's a futile effort at best. ] Christ, I nearly lost ye, too.
[ It's not his wife who's done any wrong here, it's him. He can't understand why she's blaming herself when he was the one who wasn't here for his family, who wasn't by his wife's side when she screamed for him, when she nearly died. ]
This wasna yer fault, Claire. Ye did nothing wrong.
[ He's stroking her hair, trying to hold her, trying to pull her out of this somehow. ]
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I forced you to make a promise to me. I put the man I left for you above our family. I made you promise and then he...Fergus.
[ If she'd only let Jamie kill Randall when he'd wanted, Fergus would never have been harmed. Its her fault. All of it, and she breaks down into sobs again. ]
I want our baby. I want our baby!
[ And so the loop begins again until Faith is nestled once again in Claire's arms and his wife is calmer now. ]
She's so beautiful. She looks just like you. Oh, those tufts of red.
[ Claire looks at Jamie. ]
I need to see you hold our baby.
[ She was never able to see it, before. ]
no subject
He'd rather be killed now than to watch this a third time. Death would be more merciful, surely.
Ye can't ask it of me, Claire, he wants to say.
It's the punishment he deserves, though. It's the least he deserves, for how he wronged her and their child. He failed her once, and then he failed her again the first time the memory played out. He won't fail her a third time.
So, summoning all the strength he has, Jamie steps forward and takes their lifeless baby into his arms, his eyes shimmering with unshed tears as he cradles her. ]
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Do you see? How she favors you?
[ There's a smile now on Claire's face, tears sliding down her cheeks. ]
I've never seen you hold our babies.
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[ Jamie sits, and despite the fact that their child has never drawn a breath, he still cradles her as though she's fragile. Some of the most precious cargo his arms could hold. Claire had to carry this memory with her, alone for years. The sight of their dead child. Now she won't have to bear it alone any longer, but Christ, it hurts to breathe.
Stroking their baby's cheek with his thumb, a tear slips down his face, landing against her cold cheek as he kisses her forehead and prays over her. He speaks the words in hushed Gaelic:
May the good earth be soft under you
when you rest upon it,
and may it rest easy over you when,
at the last, you lay out under it,
And may it rest so lightly over you
that your soul may be out
from under it quickly,
and up, and off,
And be on its way to God. ]
no subject
You look good with a baby in your arms, Jamie. Our baby.
no subject
He doesn't speak, not wanting to prolong her delusions, but with his free hand, he does tenderly stroke Claire's hair, trying to coax her to lay back down because he's so worried about her. It's just a memory and they're trapped in it for who knows how long, but he can't help wanting to care for her nonetheless.
When Louise comes back, he hands their baby off to her, and then just immediately wraps his arms around Claire, cradling her close to his chest. ]
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I want our baby, Jamie. My body failed you. I was supposed to keep our child healthy and ready to come into the world.
[ And she couldn't. She couldn't. ]
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Gently helping her lay back down, he keeps stroking her hair as he shakes his head. ]
Mo graidh, no. No. Ye dinna fail me or the bairn. This wasna yer fault. How can I make ye believe it?
[ He asks this as his voice breaks, just devastated by the way she's blaming herself even now, after all these years. ]
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I asked...I asked so much of you. Something terrible.
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What must I say, mo nighean donn, for you to see there's nothing to forgive?
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[ The way he'd plant himself on her belly and talk to it, stroke and try to reach out in some sweet, silly way. Usually by speaking to their child in Gaelic. ]
All you've ever wanted is to be a father.
[ He has it now, with Bree, but God, he's missed so much. ]
no subject
[ He kisses her forehead, heart aching again to feel how warm she is. ]
Ye must forgive yerself for this, Claire.
no subject
[ Here is where she would normally begin to cry for their daughter but instead she cries against him. ]
If it wasn't my fault, then it was no one but God's.
[ And that, to her is the impossible thing. She's not even particularly religious, certainly not as much as Jamie. And how can she ever believe now in a God that would do this to someone who wanted their children so badly? ]
no subject
[ He says this firmly, shaking his head, as his fingers continue to tenderly brush her curls away from her face. ]
There's no one to blame. If ye blame yerself or God or anyone else, does it give us our daughter back? What comes of it, punishing yerself? Tell me what I can say, Claire, please. To take this pain from you.
no subject
I want to keep holding her but they keep taking her away. I wasn't ready, Jamie, I want her back.
no subject
Standing up abruptly, he runs a hand over his face, tears in his eyes again, a mixture of sadness, anger, frustration, and desperation. ]
Sassenach, do ye not hear me? Christ, none of this was yer fault. It was me, ye ken it. [ His voice is raised now, just trying to snap her out of this somehow. ] Me, who ran off like a brute to kill Black Jack, wi'out a...wi'out a single thought for my family. It meant more to me to kill him than to keep my promise. I didna care what ye wanted then, Claire, I wanted vengeance, I wanted him to pay.
It was my fault our child died, and it was my fault ye nearly died as well, wi'out me there when ye screamed for me, over and over again.
All of it was my fault.
no subject
...What?
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Ye heard me, Sassenach. We both ken it was my fault.
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[ She lets out a shaky breath and her eyes seem to clear a bit, she looks more focused on him. ]
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It wasna yer fault, Claire.
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She doesn't want him to believe that. And there's one single moment of clarity. ]
It's no one's fault, Jamie.
[ A tear slides down her cheek, her breath catching. ]
No one's.
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I canna see it again, Claire. Please.
[ He's begging her. He has no idea how long her clarity will last, and if she can even control what happens next, but he has no strength left to watch his wife screaming and sobbing over their dead child again. ]
no subject
But she's letting him guide her away, toward the door. As soon as they're through it and outside of the loop, Claire lets out air as if she's been punched in the stomach and sinks against Jamie. She isn't hot anymore; there was no fever there was never a fever and she was never dying. ]
It felt so real.
[ God, she was trapped in her own mind even though she knew it was an event, and she's shaken in the aftermath, clinging to her husband. ]
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