+ Guilt Runs Deep

[vitaelamorte]

Who: Everyone!
Where: The Mansion
When: Feb 23-25
Rating: Please warn in top level subject lines for potential triggers/NSFW
Summary: Various residents are trapped in their own guilt, watching their guiltiest memory play on a loop.
The Story:

Welcome to the gathering post for the event. Please see the plotting post for more information + the bulletin board link. Have fun!

Comments

[1743]

To be a father and to be yer husband, Sassenach. 'Tis all I need in life, and I have both.

[ He kisses her forehead, heart aching again to feel how warm she is. ]

Ye must forgive yerself for this, Claire.

[beautifullies]

I can't. I can't, Jamie.

[ Here is where she would normally begin to cry for their daughter but instead she cries against him. ]

If it wasn't my fault, then it was no one but God's.

[ And that, to her is the impossible thing. She's not even particularly religious, certainly not as much as Jamie. And how can she ever believe now in a God that would do this to someone who wanted their children so badly? ]

[1743]

No, Claire.

[ He says this firmly, shaking his head, as his fingers continue to tenderly brush her curls away from her face. ]

There's no one to blame. If ye blame yerself or God or anyone else, does it give us our daughter back? What comes of it, punishing yerself? Tell me what I can say, Claire, please. To take this pain from you.

[beautifullies]

[ And so the loop begins again and she has Faith in her arms, but Louise comes and Claire is in Jamie's arms again. Another loop, more pain. ]

I want to keep holding her but they keep taking her away. I wasn't ready, Jamie, I want her back.

[1743]

[ He doesn't understand why she isn't hearing him, and he doesn't know what else he can say. He's forgiven her, over and over again. He's never blamed her, but for some reason she believes the opposite. He can't keep reliving this over and over again, and he's begged her now a few times to stop. It's enough to drive him mad, and he can't take it anymore.

Standing up abruptly, he runs a hand over his face, tears in his eyes again, a mixture of sadness, anger, frustration, and desperation. ]

Sassenach, do ye not hear me? Christ, none of this was yer fault. It was me, ye ken it. [ His voice is raised now, just trying to snap her out of this somehow. ] Me, who ran off like a brute to kill Black Jack, wi'out a...wi'out a single thought for my family. It meant more to me to kill him than to keep my promise. I didna care what ye wanted then, Claire, I wanted vengeance, I wanted him to pay.

It was my fault our child died, and it was my fault ye nearly died as well, wi'out me there when ye screamed for me, over and over again.

All of it was my fault.

[beautifullies]

[ When he yells, it's startling enough to her that the loop, for a moment, pauses. She doesn't begin to cry and plead for her baby. Staring at him, looking up at him, she blinks, in too much shock to do anything else. ]

...What?

[1743]

[ He has no reason to hope that this horrible memory won't simply start over again, but at least he has her attention again for a moment. ]

Ye heard me, Sassenach. We both ken it was my fault.

[beautifullies]

Jamie, it wasn't. It wasn't your fault.

[ She lets out a shaky breath and her eyes seem to clear a bit, she looks more focused on him. ]

[1743]

[ He doesn't actually believe that now, but whatever it takes to get her to let go of her guilt. ]

It wasna yer fault, Claire.

[beautifullies]

[ For the first time in all of this, Claire gets out of the bed and fully walks to him, reaching for his hands.

She doesn't want him to believe that. And there's one single moment of clarity. ]

It's no one's fault, Jamie.

[ A tear slides down her cheek, her breath catching. ]

No one's.

[1743]

Aye. It wasna yer fault, mo graidh. [ Tugging her hands to his lips, he kisses her knuckles as he lets out a breath. ]

I canna see it again, Claire. Please.

[ He's begging her. He has no idea how long her clarity will last, and if she can even control what happens next, but he has no strength left to watch his wife screaming and sobbing over their dead child again. ]

[beautifullies]

[ A large part of Claire wants to stay. Wants to stay and see their daughter one more time to say goodbye. She doesn't have the same reservations as Jamie; Christ she never wants to let go.

But she's letting him guide her away, toward the door. As soon as they're through it and outside of the loop, Claire lets out air as if she's been punched in the stomach and sinks against Jamie. She isn't hot anymore; there was no fever there was never a fever and she was never dying. ]

It felt so real.

[ God, she was trapped in her own mind even though she knew it was an event, and she's shaken in the aftermath, clinging to her husband. ]

[1743]

[ It tears his guts out to see his wife in pain, physical or emotional, so he couldn't stomach it any longer. And after the chance to hold his daughter and pray over her, say goodbye to her, he couldn't bear to see her again, so cold and lifeless. It's different for Jamie, and he wants so desperately to think of Faith as he's always thought of her, alive in his dreams.

Once they leave the room, he wraps his arms tightly around Claire, then kisses her forehead, searching for fever. ]

It was real, Claire.

[ He held his dead baby in his arms. There was nothing unreal about that for him. ]

Ye're alright now, I have ye.

[beautifullies]

Listen to me.

[ Claire is trying to pull herself together as fast as she can for his sake. ]

I felt guilty for a long time and it's true sometimes I...I think about the long hours I worked on my feet when I should have slowed down. I think about asking you not to kill Randall, I think about what happened to Fergus and I think if I'd just let you--

[ She looks down, swallowing heavily before blinking back tears. ]

Wonderland preyed on a very small amount of irrational guilt and made it so much larger. Jamie, it was no one's fault. Not mine and certainly not yours. We've seen the very ugly ways Wonderland will use any weakness, no matter how small, against us. I will not have you blaming yourself.

[1743]

[ He doesn't want to lay his burdens on his wife's already wearied soul, and so he wants to keep quiet, wants to pretend that her words have healed the now very raw, open wound on his heart. ]

Claire, I wasna there. Ye cried out for me, over and over again, and I wasna there. I couldna have saved Faith by my presence alone, but ye needed me. Christ, I almost lost ye and I didna know.

[beautifullies]

[ She'd never told him how bad it was for her. Losing Faith was enough pain and guilt. But now he knows, and she wraps around him tightly, clinging to him. ]

It was twenty-one years ago, Jamie. I'm still here. You're with me now, and it's all that matters.

[1743]

[ It doesn't matter how long ago it was. It wasn't twenty-one years ago these last few hours, having to relive that scene over and over again. But Claire had to live through it again, too, and she's somehow able to push past it so easily. He doesn't know how yet, but he's trying for her sake. He should be able to shrug it off the way she can, but maybe he's not strong enough right now. He needs to be stronger for her.

So, his hold on her is strong and sure, to compensate for the lingering weakness in his heart. ]

Aye. I have ye. Always, mo chridhe.

[beautifullies]

[ It's him. It's because she knows him and knows what his heart is doing right in this moment. She can be strong for him sometimes, more often than he'll let her. ]

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I made you...

[ Made him hold her. ]

[1743]

Ye belong nowhere but my arms, Claire.

[ He says this firmly, quickly, not accepting any kind of apology at all. ]

[beautifullies]

I won't leave them, ever again.

[ A promise she won't even be able to keep for twenty-four hours. ]