+ Guilt Runs Deep

[vitaelamorte]

Who: Everyone!
Where: The Mansion
When: Feb 23-25
Rating: Please warn in top level subject lines for potential triggers/NSFW
Summary: Various residents are trapped in their own guilt, watching their guiltiest memory play on a loop.
The Story:

Welcome to the gathering post for the event. Please see the plotting post for more information + the bulletin board link. Have fun!

Comments

[1743]

Aye. It wasna yer fault, mo graidh. [ Tugging her hands to his lips, he kisses her knuckles as he lets out a breath. ]

I canna see it again, Claire. Please.

[ He's begging her. He has no idea how long her clarity will last, and if she can even control what happens next, but he has no strength left to watch his wife screaming and sobbing over their dead child again. ]

[beautifullies]

[ A large part of Claire wants to stay. Wants to stay and see their daughter one more time to say goodbye. She doesn't have the same reservations as Jamie; Christ she never wants to let go.

But she's letting him guide her away, toward the door. As soon as they're through it and outside of the loop, Claire lets out air as if she's been punched in the stomach and sinks against Jamie. She isn't hot anymore; there was no fever there was never a fever and she was never dying. ]

It felt so real.

[ God, she was trapped in her own mind even though she knew it was an event, and she's shaken in the aftermath, clinging to her husband. ]

[1743]

[ It tears his guts out to see his wife in pain, physical or emotional, so he couldn't stomach it any longer. And after the chance to hold his daughter and pray over her, say goodbye to her, he couldn't bear to see her again, so cold and lifeless. It's different for Jamie, and he wants so desperately to think of Faith as he's always thought of her, alive in his dreams.

Once they leave the room, he wraps his arms tightly around Claire, then kisses her forehead, searching for fever. ]

It was real, Claire.

[ He held his dead baby in his arms. There was nothing unreal about that for him. ]

Ye're alright now, I have ye.

[beautifullies]

Listen to me.

[ Claire is trying to pull herself together as fast as she can for his sake. ]

I felt guilty for a long time and it's true sometimes I...I think about the long hours I worked on my feet when I should have slowed down. I think about asking you not to kill Randall, I think about what happened to Fergus and I think if I'd just let you--

[ She looks down, swallowing heavily before blinking back tears. ]

Wonderland preyed on a very small amount of irrational guilt and made it so much larger. Jamie, it was no one's fault. Not mine and certainly not yours. We've seen the very ugly ways Wonderland will use any weakness, no matter how small, against us. I will not have you blaming yourself.

[1743]

[ He doesn't want to lay his burdens on his wife's already wearied soul, and so he wants to keep quiet, wants to pretend that her words have healed the now very raw, open wound on his heart. ]

Claire, I wasna there. Ye cried out for me, over and over again, and I wasna there. I couldna have saved Faith by my presence alone, but ye needed me. Christ, I almost lost ye and I didna know.

[beautifullies]

[ She'd never told him how bad it was for her. Losing Faith was enough pain and guilt. But now he knows, and she wraps around him tightly, clinging to him. ]

It was twenty-one years ago, Jamie. I'm still here. You're with me now, and it's all that matters.

[1743]

[ It doesn't matter how long ago it was. It wasn't twenty-one years ago these last few hours, having to relive that scene over and over again. But Claire had to live through it again, too, and she's somehow able to push past it so easily. He doesn't know how yet, but he's trying for her sake. He should be able to shrug it off the way she can, but maybe he's not strong enough right now. He needs to be stronger for her.

So, his hold on her is strong and sure, to compensate for the lingering weakness in his heart. ]

Aye. I have ye. Always, mo chridhe.

[beautifullies]

[ It's him. It's because she knows him and knows what his heart is doing right in this moment. She can be strong for him sometimes, more often than he'll let her. ]

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I made you...

[ Made him hold her. ]

[1743]

Ye belong nowhere but my arms, Claire.

[ He says this firmly, quickly, not accepting any kind of apology at all. ]

[beautifullies]

I won't leave them, ever again.

[ A promise she won't even be able to keep for twenty-four hours. ]