entrancelogs | + Guilt Runs Deep

[ Thankfully angry sarcasm ranks fairly low on the list of things Ange's had to endure hearing, so it doesn't even really bother her - especially since she can kind of understand the reply, despite her being fairly sure Lapis has to be the one to do something about this. What is Ange supposed to do, after all? Go kick that orange giant's shins? Surely that'll help. Clearly. ]

What do you mean you can't?! Just don't listen to her!

[ She'd probably be a little more helpful if she had already figured out how to break these loops. But unfortunately this just happens to be the first one she stumbled into. ]

[Lapis grits her teeth. She knows that Ange knows nothing at all about the scene in front of her; probably doesn't understand the impact of what she's seeing at all, maybe can't. That means the more this goes on, the more Lapis is going to have to explain, and these are things she doesn't talk about for a whole bunch of reasons. Of course, she's already reliving it anyway.]

This is a memory. It won't change because it already happened, and Wonderland is making me do the same stupid thing I already chose.

[ Well, that does make it all make a bit more sense as to why Lapis can't just run away and get out of this. And at least Ange is tactful enough to not ask questions about it, despite Lapis' decisions not exactly seeming like the best when the other is so frustrated over it. ]

That still doesn't mean you have to repeat it.

[ Or rather-- ]

There should be a way out.

[ Usually there is some way out of the situation when Wonderland does these sort of things, anyway. She remembers being stuck in that classroom with Ishimaru and the other guy-- they eventually made their way out of that too. ]

Even if you can't change your actions, there should be a way to stop the memory from repeating.

[Okay, she appreciates having that said; Lapis too has come to the conclusion previously that that's the way Wonderland does things. There's always some horrible puzzle to solve, isn't there? She knows that, but she's already tried to change this scene in every way she could see, and she hasn't exactly gotten a chance to sit down and brainstorm about it. Every moment of this is another reason to panic.]

It's not like I can argue her out of it.

[Lapis says this bitterly, and then cringes at the harsh, mocking laugh that sounds behind her. Jasper is listening to all this, you know!]

You'd love that, wouldn't you? You'd get a nice clean win. Except then you wouldn't get to do the FUN part.

[Jasper grins as if the end of the loop -- where she gets trapped and dragged away screaming -- is something she relishes.]

[ Yeah, that part sure doesn't go over Ange's head. And even though Jasper is pretty big and buff, Ange is an expert at acting much like she always does even in the presence of people who could snap her in half. Not that she's sure if that orange person could even do that, since it's not like this is Ange's memory, but still. ]

Are they a masochist or something? [ No one should grin about being dragged off into the sea as - what seems like - some sort of revenge, okay.

But she's not just here to snark, so she quickly continues, frowning as if she's thinking. ]

Maybe you don't have to do something about her, but instead something about yourself? I remember one time I was stuck in a classroom with two guys and we had to show each other our own worst traits to get out of there.

[Lapis's mouth twists.]

This IS my worst.

[She hates having to do this, but if there's anything that makes it easier to talk about, it's being already fucked up over being forced back through it. An unpleasant conversation is absolutely a step up, and despite herself, it's already making her calmer. More focused, at least, in having something to focus on. Maybe it's for the best that Ange doesn't know anything about any of this stuff; it means she has a practical need for a simple explanation of facts, not an attempt to persuade her to feel some way or another about it. It's also for the best that Ange is Ange, and won't feel any way about it anyway. As always, thank heavens for the amazing powers of her deadpan.]

I hated her, but I was mad about a lot of stuff she had nothing to do with. I didn't think there was anything else I could do, but... I don't know anymore. I held her for months after this.

There's a lot of times when we could do a lot of things, or even just one different thing, but pick the dumbest option regardless.

[ Ange has definitely been there. And although she doesn't like talking too much about all of her own dumb decisions - though some are perfectly normal in her own eyes, who doesn't decide to just jump off a skyscraper!! - it's pretty easy to talk about someone else's potential dumb decisions in a much more usual calm deadpan way. ]

I'd say that's what makes us human, but.. I guess that's what makes us.. sentinent beings? [ Look, what other words is she going to use to describe Lapis' weird gem people kind and humans alike. ] .. "Shit happens" is what I'm trying to say, I guess. Even when it's sometimes pretty shitty.

I know... a lot of people make a lot of bad choices. ...A lot.

[Perspective! She has at some point achieved some amount of it. Lapis can sure think of some other major fuckups that have occurred around her. But she hasn't gotten to the heart of the matter yet, so it may be that if she just keeps explaining, she will still prove to be exceptional in some form or another.]

But I liked it. Both of us were hurt so badly after this, and it -- it felt so right, doing that.

[Behind her, Jasper nods eagerly.]

Seriously, I thought I was cruel, but you taught me so much. We really do deserve each other.

[Eugh. Lapis shudders.]

[ She frowns a bit. Not exactly in disapproval, but maybe something closer to confusion. This is a sentiment that's a little harder for Ange to understand, after all. Especially when she doesn't know the heart of the matter just yet - and knows very little about all the details around it to begin with, like the whole idea of gem fusion. ]

When did it change then? [ Since Lapis doesn't seem super eager to repeat it all in this memory. So it had to have changed at some point, right? ] When did it turn from you liking it to you not liking it?

[That's... an unexpectedly tricky question, actually. When and how and why did that change? How sure can she be that it did? As soon as she got out of Malachite, Lapis knew immediately it had been a terrible idea, but at the same time she immediately missed it. It took a lot longer to start processing anything behind all those feelings.

She doesn't have so much pent-up anguish looking for a target anymore, so perhaps she simply got it out of her system. But no -- being Malachite, taking everything out on Jasper, felt good, but when she looks back it's not the right kind of feeling good. Sick satisfaction was never real fulfillment.]

I don't know! It took so long. Even when I felt horrible about it, I still missed being with her, I missed fighting her all the time. I just -- I just have better things to like now.

[Jasper scoffs, and despite herself, Lapis turns her head. This loop has been waylaid a good while, which may be a promising sign, but there is a certain pull even so.]

"Better"? Please, you still barely care about any of those things. They can't give you what I could. They can't handle you. All you have to do is get a little too upset, and you'll keep on ruining whatever you can like you ruined me. You've already tried! The difference is that I was just as bad as you to begin with.

[ Ange glances between Lapis and Jasper for a moment. The things Jasper is saying right now are probably not part of the memory - Ange didn't see it during the loop before, after all. And the memory shifting like that, even just a little bit, does feel like a good sign. At least something is changing.

Not that she can be sure it won't end in the same thing all over again yet. But that's why she's trying to focus on what Jasper is saying. Is that Wonderland trying to figure out what that orange being would say if they were here, or are those thoughts maybe partially Lapis' own? Is she worried about ruining things? ]

Lapis, I doubt I have to tell you this. [ ... She's actually not so sure about that. But being openly sappy, even slightly so? No way, you can't force her. She has to downplay it. ] But you're not a bad person. No more so than most people are, anyway.

[The look on Lapis's face suggests that she absolutely does have to be told that.]

I'm not a good person.

[She says that ruefully, but matter-of-fact, and then looks up at Jasper. That pull is tempting; Lapis keeps finding her body turning towards her. Still, with freakouts given way to a quiet sorrow as she talks about what happened, there's an eerie calm in it.]

...She's right about that. I still don't care what happens to practically anyone here. I wouldn't care about the Earth if I didn't have stuff on it. [These are maybe oversimplifications.] And I hate what I did to Jasper, but I don't care about her.

[ Ouch, Lapis, harsh! That's the planet Ange lives on! Or.. well, lived on, considering the whole dying thing. But still. She does figure that there's at least some oversimplication going on here (because if anyone understands that when it comes to wanting to show an attitude of not caring, it's Ange), but part of the implication still stings.

Not that it shows - Ange just lets out a huff. ]

Who says you have to be 100% good either? People like that don't exist. Everyone falls somewhere on the scale between those two extremes. Even if you say you don't care about what happens to practically anyone, that means there are still things you do care about.

But it's been so hard for me to even get that far. What if that's just who I am now? What if I get tired of trying?

[Because maybe nobody's 100% good -- and maybe no one could be THAT well-adjusted -- but Lapis does know that some things really are just harder for her than for most people. This here is a downside of having such caring people around as she does, in the end; on the one hand their support is invaluable, but on the other they're an example she can't possibly live up to. Maybe that's why Ange works so well, in the end, why she can waltz into the middle of Lapis's angst and nonchalantly get those guts spilled.

On which note, Jasper glances up; she puts a hand on Lapis's shoulder now, but uses it to hold her still, looking past her to actually address Ange now. She rolls her eyes.]

No wonder she likes you, you let her get away with it. Because YOU wouldn't mind not being one of those things, right, Ange? Do you want to know how much she cares that you died?

[Lapis, unprepared for this line of attack, goes Hey!, but there's not much she can do about it now.]

[ Oh, great.

See, acting all unaffected by things is pretty easy when things aren't your own problems. When things don't involve you. It's a little harder when it involves someone who isn't a total stranger, but it's possible.

But Ange sure didn't expect to be dragged straight into this situation here like this. Being called out by either a figment of Lapis' mind made manifest or one of Wonderland's weird creations sure wasn't on the agenda today. Because yes, Ange wants to make friends or at least meaningful connections - desperately so - but being emotionally open and vulnerable to get to that point is terrifying.

It's why she kind of looks taken aback when Jasper addresses her instead, especially by Ange standards, and there's no quick snappy reply. She does try to make one, but it kind of loses its effect when it's a few moments too late. ]

Don't you think it's pretty rude to tattle on other people's thoughts?

[ Yes, she's avoiding answering the question directly. Because she feels woefully unprepared to face the thought of someone actually caring about that, and also actually likes talking to Lapis enough to not want to face the hurt if she didn't care. ]

[It's unclear whether Lapis picked up on the lapse or not, or how well she's able to appreciate Ange trying anyway. Either way she protests immediately and somewhat weakly.]

It's not like that! I don't -- I mean, I don't not care -- I barely even understand what dying is, come on!

You don't WANT to understand, because YOU can't stand knowing that you're not the only person anything bad has ever happened to. You'd lose your big excuse, and then where would you be? [Jasper grins again, victoriously.] Right back here. Where you belong. Just like me.

Hey, aren't you generalising things a lot here? It's not even as if we're super close. Why should she care about my death specifically? It's a bad example. [ Ange feels increasingly more grateful for her ability to put up a pokerface, or she'd be looking mighty lame (read: openly emotional) by now. It's not as if she's lying - not per se, anyway. Even if she wishes Lapis would care more than.. well, more than 'not not caring', it's also true that Ange assumes no one cares to begin with. Why would they?

She tries to quickly shove the thought down though. This is no time for her own dumb personal issues. She can stew in her own misery later, when she's not busy trying to help someone escape their own personal hell. ]

You'd care if something bad happened to someone from your world, right, Lapis? Someone you're close to.

...Yeah.

[Lapis clenches her fists. It's kind of horribly unfair how much more easily that thought comes in comparison; she doesn't know how Ange can possibly still be sticking up for her at this point. But truly, she appreciates that she is.

Because, truly, being able to give that answer is important. Lapis doesn't care easily, but where she does she cares too hard to fool herself. More, she knows it's a measure of how much has changed for her. Maybe having a couple friends isn't the most impressive display of emotional openness ever, but it wasn't so long ago that her life had nothing at all in it.]

I'm getting better. I care a lot more than I used to. It's hard, and... maybe there are a lot of reasons I have trouble with it. [She glares up at Jasper.] Maybe you're one of them! But that doesn't mean I think you deserved this. Maybe neither of us did. [That second part sounded slightly less decisive, but okay.] And it doesn't mean you get to talk about my friends, because this has nothing to do with her!

Edited 2019-03-26 00:58 (UTC)

[ At least things do seem to be heading in the right direction. Which is a good thing, since the only thing worse than what she's doing to her own feelings right now would be if she was doing it for a cause that didn't even work out in the end.

Ange is mostly sunken off in thought during most of what Lapis says, her brain just picking up on the main message there. But everything snaps a bit more back into focus with that last part, since at this point she'd rather just be left out of this altogether, thank you very much--

(At least she can just ignore Jasper and talk directly to Lapis as if the other wasn't there, right.) ]

You've gotten better, so there's no point in thinking too much about this memory anymore. It's in the past, and it won't repeat itself in the future. [ Since Lapis isn't the same person anymore as she was in this memory then. ] So let's just ditch it and get out of here.

[ Because Ange needs a nap. Or three? Or maybe a winter hibernation without emotions. ]

[Yyyyeah, Lapis is gonna need about fifty naps herself after this. It's been a hell of a day (ba-dum-tish). But she's turned some kind of a corner, and some things at least look clearer than before. She hesitates another long moment, gathering the nerve to believe that it really is an option, that it really is okay. But she's finally open to the belief that it just might be.

She brushes Jasper's enormous hand away and looks to Ange. It's unfortunate that the girl's poker face really is that good, because Lapis probably would want to know how bothered she is, but on the bright side Lapis still feels kinda bad all on her own accord about how that went. She's exhausted and drained and largely out of spoons, though, and this really isn't the place to sort that out just this moment.]

Come on. I don't want to give her the satisfaction.

[Of what? She isn't specifying. It's time to get off this beach, though. ...However precisely that works.]

Edited (no, that wasn't good) 2019-03-27 02:55 (UTC)

+ Guilt Runs Deep

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