entrancelogs | Who wants to go on a road trip } OTA

Entry tags:

Who wants to go on a road trip } OTA

Who: Claire Fraser + you
Where: Various places indicated in prompts!
When: 3-5-2019
Rating: PGish? Will change if it goes higher for some reason
Summary: Claire has lived through a few more years. She's 53 now.
The Story:

INITIAL RE-ARRIVAL

[ Returning to Wonderland this time has slightly improved over the last return trip: she hasn't drowned, which is nice. That doesn't stop the sinking feeling in her gut. The only plus side, she realizes as she looks down at the box in her arms, is that she was carrying her medical kit. In the time she's been gone so much has happened, as she thinks of Brianna and Jamie (hopefully) waiting for her inside, Claire raises her head to the sky, trying to understand how to know what to tell them both. Christ, she can't tell Brianna. But she has to tell Jamie.

There's hope, as she trudges from the garden to the mansion, that she'll come up with something between here and her room. ]

CLINIC

[ Claire, bathed for the first time in, well, too long, finally makes her way to the clinic. She's seen both Jamie and Brianna and she needs to not only take a moment for herself to breathe, but she'd like to be sure everything is still in order at the clinic. She's lived a few years and it's hard to believe only a week has passed in Wonderland. It leaves her feeling off, needing to check to be sure things truly are as she left them.

Turning on the overhead lights, she blinks a bit; it always takes time to re-adjust to how bright the lighting is in the future. She begins to busily go through cabinets, needing to remind herself of what's there because it's jumbling with three years worth of other things. ]

5th floor bar

[ It isn't often that she goes to a bar to have a drink. But she finds herself bypassing the stop on the fourth floor and going up one more flight. She sits in a booth facing the door, nursing a glass of whiskey. She couldn't keep anything from Jamie. He knows everything in her own time now, and she wouldn't keep it from him here. But Bree.

Christ, she'd avoided everything other than a confirmation that yes, she'd made it to North Carolina and warned them. She can't stomach saying anything more right now, though she worries Wonderland will send her home and then Bree will return with knowledge of it herself, upset that her mother never said anything.

God, she needs at least two more drinks before going back to the room. ]

Goddamned Wonderland.

[ She mutters it under her breath. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ Well. So much for the bath.

She can't hear what he's doing but she definitely knows what he's thinking. Quickly, she washes what he didn't get to before stepping out of the bath, drying, and slipping a shift on over her head. Once she can see what he's done, she moves quickly to him and takes the glasses, frowning in disbelief. ]

Christ, Jamie, stop.

[ Claire looks up at him, unshed tears in her eyes. ]

We both agreed. You looked at me in that cemetery and I nodded my head. That means I'm just as guilty as you are.

[ Hopefully, he can see how irrational that is. How could they have known what that man would do to repay their kindness? She still has nightmares of Lesley trying to protect her and getting his throat cut for it. But they couldn't have known what Bonnet was capable of. ]

[ Her words aren't sinking in, his guilt is so bone-deep right now that her words are as feeble as arrows hitting the stone of a castle wall.

He does let her take the glasses from his bloodied hands, but it's almost as if he's not seeing her or hearing her fully. ]

I canna be a husband and a father if I havena the ability to protect and take care of my family. Ye ken it's true, Claire.

Christ, you bloody stubborn Scot, no, I don't know that's true at all!

[ She's trying to get his attention and she grabs his hand, half to cause a sting and half because she needs to look at it and see how much damage he's done. ]

Only a foolish man would think you haven't been able to protect me. Us.

[ Claire turns to go into the living room where she dropped her medical kit, the one he gave to her, and she opens it, sitting beside him now. ]

Do you really think I've ever thought you didn't do a good enough job protecting me?

Ye wouldna say as much.

[ To protect him. Because she loves him. But he knows the truth. Claire has been through so much because of him, and what has he really protected her from? ]

When have you ever known me to not point out when you're being a bloody fool? I'm the first person to tell you when you've done something. Christ, Jamie.

[ She shakes her head and begins dabbing the blood away. ]

The fact of the matter is your life was quiet for years. You had the print shop, you were successful. Then I return and you lose everything. All of it.

[ When in doubt: shift the argument. ]

Aye, ye do speak yer mind wi'out a thought or hesitation.

[ Which means...he has to admit that she's right, that this cycle of blame is wrong. But that means he truly has no control over any of this and can't stop it.

But when she tries to shift blame to herself, he looks up sharply, narrowing his eyes and shaking his head. ]

No matter what happened when ye returned, Sassenach, there wasna a moment I would have traded if it meant losing you again. To have ye back, it's all I've wanted.

[ Good. She has his attention, and it means she'll let his comment about speaking without thought go. ]

Do you forget everything you gave up so that I wouldn't be fated to die in the wake of Culloden?

[ Still cradling his injured hand with one of hers, she reaches with the free one to cradle his face. ]

You gave up everything to keep me safe. To make sure our daughter would be born.

[ As often happens, his wife is right. Rationally, he knows she's right, and the fight's gone out of him. He wanted to blame himself so badly because it was the one thing he could control in all of this; in Bree being raped, in losing Faith, in watching his dying wife scream for him for hours. He couldn't fix any of his mistakes, he couldn't stop the people he loved most from being hurt or dying, but he could punish himself, and that was some twisted measure of comfort.

But Claire is hurting too, he knows she has to be. Their daughter was raped, violated in the worst way, and she carried a child she had never anticipated to term.

Deflating noticeably, Jamie's eyes glisten with unshed tears as he looks at her, kissing her palm now softly. ]

I would hand my heart over to the Devil himself if it meant keeping ye and Brianna safe.

[ Claire watches the emotions play out across his face before dropping he hand and getting to work cleaning and bandaging his. When she's done, she kisses the bandage and then looks at him again. ]

I know you would, Jamie. I know the lengths you would go to for me. For our daughter. I know it because...because it's what you tried to do at home. It's what I just lived through.

[ Shifting now, she sits beside him and tells him everything; the mistaken identity, the way he beat Roger by accident thinking that he was her attacker. And then his need to make it right, traveling by horse all the way from North Carolina to New York only to find that the man she thinks she loves didn't want to return upon finding out about the rape, about the baby possibly not being his. Which means Claire does tell Jamie about Bree and Roger's handfasting as well, and how it was completely misguided. She has to tell him that Ian wouldn't let Jamie sacrifice himself to the Indians, and so he'd stayed behind. ]

We've just returned to River Run and Brianna has a beautiful son. We've both held him. And when Roger decided not to come with us, I knew that it didn't matter anymore, what you did. He deserved it, and now we'll take her back to Fraser's Ridge with us, Jamie. We'll help her raise our grandchild.

[ He lets her speak now, lets her finish everything she needs to tell him. By the end of it, he's no less emotional, but he's less reactive now, tempering the most extreme feelings by just letting his wife's soothing voice and presence surround him and steady him. The glass had injured his right hand, but he uses that now to massage his left; it aches sometimes, even now, but it's more an unconscious habit when he's thinking deeply and trying to work through a torrent of darker emotions laying siege to his mind.

His jaw tenses noticeably when she speaks of Roger abandoning their daughter, but when Claire is done, he looks over at her, reaching out now to stroke her cheek. ]

She doesna need a man who canna love her wi' all his heart. I'll build a bigger home for her and our wee grandson, a place he can grow, a place Brianna can thrive alongside us.

[ He's still very troubled, but for entirely different reasons now. It's not for blame anymore, it's simply that as a father, his heart aches for his child. ]

Must we speak of this to her here, Sassenach?

[ Claire lets out a soft breath and lets her head rest against his shoulder. She's so damned tired and she didn't realize how exhausted she was until after the bath, now that she's clean and sitting on a real bed. ]

I don't know, Jamie. Do we not say anything to her and risk her leaving only to return angry that I've known - and you by association - all this time? Or do we tell her when she can quite literally do nothing about it?

[ Her hand rubs over her face a little and she shakes her head. ]

I'm not sure what the correct answer is.

[ It's a physical need and ache in him, to take care of his wife, and when she rubs a hand over her face, he knows. It's her tell when she's exhausted down to her bones. Turning his head, his fingers rake through her loose curls tenderly for a moment, then his lips press to hers, and then her forehead. ]

Wait here a moment.

[ Getting up, he just opens their bedroom door briefly, making sure Brianna is settled in her room for the night. Then he shuts their door again, turning off the bathroom light - he's gotten more used to electricity now but still doesn't like too much of it - and plunging the room into darkness save for the soft glow of a few candles. When he comes back to his wife, he kisses her lips so tenderly and gently coaxes her to lay back against the pillows. For a moment, he simply sits on the bed beside her, wanting this angle so he can watch her face as he strokes her hair. In a moment, he'll lay beside her so he can have her in his arms, but for now, he needs to see her face fully. ]

Ye've been in the woods for months and yer body hasn't had a proper rest. Then ye had to tame yer mad beast of a husband upon yer return to this infernal place. [ There's a flicker of a smile on his lips before it's a ghost again, his eyes still troubled. ] I dinna think we should decide anything at once, we need time to consider it. And you, mo graidh, need naught but a good long sleep and a hearty meal when morning comes.

[ She has no idea how he does it, how this switch flips in him so that he can put aside whatever he's feeling and take care of her. Though, she does it for him, too. For Bree. Sometimes, the people you love need you too much to wallow in your own emotions.

She lets him move her against the pillows and Claire sighs softly, a soft smile gracing her lips for a moment as well. ]

I agree with you. We should wait to decide anything. But I do have one request for the morning.

[ As she speaks, he lifts one of her hands to his lips, stroking her knuckles with whispered kisses. ]

Aye. Ye can ask anything of me and I'll grant ye it.

Stay in bed with me. As long as you can.

[ She knows he's an early riser, that he likes to get started with his day. But right now she just needs to be in his arms as long as she possibly can. ]

You may not have lived it yet, but trust me when I say we've both earned it.

[ He smiles tenderly, leaning in to rest his forehead against hers. ]

That I can do, mo chridhe. And now ye must rest for me, aye?

[ As he asks, he strokes her hair, then rubs her head softly, just wanting to relax her. ]

Will you hold me?

[ She knows he won't deny her, so she's already shifting and making room for him beside her. This is all she wants right now, to be in her husband's arms. ]

And kiss me. I think I'm sorely in need of more of that as well.

[ He would never deny her, and he shifts immediately to lay beside her and take her into his arms. ]

I'll hold ye forever, mo nighean donn. [ Once she's secure in his arms, he strokes her cheek with the back of his hand and leans in to kiss her, over and over. ] A thousand kisses, Sassenach.

And a thousand more from me.

[ This is all she wants, melting into him and kissing him until exhaustion finally starts to catch up to her. Still, with her eyes closed, she murmurs softly. ]

Watching you hold our grandchildren is incredible, Jamie. I know I told you something that hurts us both, deeply. But there was good. There is so much good.

[ He smiles just thinking about it, and it's a genuine smile, for just a moment. There was so much tragedy and heartbreak, but they've come through it again, as they always have. And at the end of this, whenever they go back home for good, their family is waiting. ]

I believe it. I can feel it, Claire. Sleep now, I have ye.

[ His hold on her is tight, protective, pressing a kiss to her brow. ]

[ Claire falls asleep in his arms, sleeping heavily with her head nestled right under his chin. When she wakes in the morning, she takes a deep breath and lets it out before looking at Jamie.

God, Jamie. There are things she still hasn't told him and she doesn't want to break his heart. She's trying to decide if not telling him is a secret versus a lie. If they can't decide to whether or not to tell Bree some things, how is she supposed to figure out alone if she should tell him about Ian and Roger?

She doesn't even realize it when Jamie is awake, so lost in her own thoughts, frowning as she thinks while laying beside him now. ]

[ Jamie's rest is brief and fitful, and he's more concerned with watching over his wife. He gets up at least twice to check on Brianna, too; she's safe there in her room, but after everything Claire's told him, he can't help needing to see his bairn safe with his own eyes. Each time he returns to Claire, he carefully pulls her back into his arms, soothing her back to sleep by tenderly stroking her hair and whispering tender words in Gaelic against her ear.

He's awake, of course, when she is, and her face tells a story of continued sorrow. Of course, her heart would no doubt be heavy still with what he knows already, but it's clear that there's more. He can see it.

Reaching out, his thumb tenderly strokes her cheek. ]

There's more ye havena told me, aye, Sassenach?

[ She's never been able to keep things from him. A glass face, truly. Clearing her throat, she lets out a soft breath and sits up, tugging the sheet with her and reaching for his hand. For a few moments, she lets her thumb move over his palm, tracing the lines of his hand as she gathers her thoughts. ]

There is more.

[ That's a start. ]

Do you remember the historian I told you about? The one that helped me find you? He was quite fond of Brianna. I knew it, but...I thought I was leaving her in good, capable, kind hands when I came back through the stones.

[ She looks down, unable to meet Jamie's eyes. She made a wrong call, she just hadn't known how wrong it would be. ]

[ Obviously, if she's this troubled, things had gone horribly wrong, and now he's even more worried, a knot tightening in his stomach. ]

What did he do to her, Claire?

[ He's not yelling, but his tone is actually dangerously controlled and tense, ready to kill a man who's not even here. ]

They were...he followed her through the stones.

[ She reaches out to hold onto his hand, thumb moving over his knuckles. ]

She thought she loved him, they were handfast and...

[ Claire looks up at Jamie, letting him put the pieces together. ]

And then she realized he knew we died and planned to keep it from her, so they fought. At another time he'd told her he could have had her dozens of times, without her consent, if he wished. It made her realize the only reason he'd wanted the handfasting was to have her. She told him to go and he did, in the middle of the night. He left our daughter alone the same night she ran into Bonnet.

[ It's so much, she knows, and Claire wets her lips. ]

She found us the next day and we took her to Fraser's Ridge but her maid mistook Roger for Bonnet and pointed the wrong man out to you. You nearly beat Roger to death and Ian traded him to some Natives on their way to New York. When Brianna found out, she was angry and upset because there's a chance that baby is Roger's.

Edited 2019-03-31 19:38 (UTC)

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