I'm trying not to sleep

[bossily]

Who: Clara & anyone! (totally open)
Where: Around the mansion
When: The week after the shadow event
Rating: TBA
Summary: When you have a terrible shadow event, it's time to stay busy to forget about it
The Story: Clara is beyond humiliated.

She's lost a great deal of her pride, she's fractured almost every single relationship she's formed in her time here, and she's at a loss as to what she needs to do to make herself feel better. So the best solution in her mind is simply not to think about it and stay busy. She can't act like any of the things her shadow said never happened, of course, but she doesn't have to linger on it. There's too much hurt there for her, and it's best to just build up some walls on the inside and close it off and away. And sleep? Forget about it, there's way too much time to have thoughts loiter on everything that went wrong, or have pesky dreams slip in, and that's definitely not something she wants to have happen.

On Tuesday, she has plans with both Luke and Owen, and despite not being up to her usual spirited nature she's grateful for the chance to interact with the both of them without shadows present.

On Wednesday, she thinks she has self-defense lessons but also spends a good portion of the day sprawled out in the sun at the beach. She's not usually a beach dweller and she doesn't usually sunbathe, but she thinks it's the perfect place to read through some Jules Verne. Journey to the Center of the Earth was a childhood favorite, and it makes her feel safe and nostalgic so she's grateful that the library has a copy on hand just waiting for her.

On Thursday, she spends her time out in the gardens, working on both drawing and painting. Her lessons with Whale have left her eager to continue practicing, working on a drawing of white roses which she has every intention of painting red by the end of the day. If someone happens across her, she's more than likely to grab hold of them and convince them to pose for her so she can attempt a more complicated subject.

Friday finds Clara holed up in the library, a stack of books on space piled up around her. She's sitting cross legged on the floor, and the pile of books towers above her, constantly wobbling as if they're about to topple at any given second. There's fiction, non-fiction, and even some picture books at her side. She started the day out reading for research but now has an old, worn copy of The Little Prince in hand. It brings back memories of her mother, and those are always good to hold onto when she's having a difficult time.

The rest of the weekend is spent either at the swimming pool or her room. The pool she's never really used before, so it's nice to just float around and stare up at nothing in particular. It's a funny feeling, just aimlessly floating, doing nothing for hours on end. She almost feels guilty for it, but it's a nice break from being cooped up in the library. When she's in her room she's working on painting her walls, trying to complete constellations for the night sky she's painted across every single wall. She's not much of an artist, but this has given her something to do in her time here, and the project is almost complete. There's even a little TARDIS painted right up above her bed.

Comments

[jolting]

He stared at her evenly. She was a good girl, too good to be mixed up with him. Everyone who got close to him ended up dead. Even without his heart, he didn't want that for her.

"I was tired of feeling it," he said quietly. "I don't want to feel it. Maybe that makes me weak, but I don't care. The beauty of this is that I don't care about anything."

Not entirely true. He did care, he just couldn't feel it anymore.

[bossily]

"And you're really okay with that." It comes out almost sounding disgusted, and she takes a step in closer, so she can get up in his personal space. "How can you be? How can you just give up one of the most important parts of being human? So, you were tired of feeling something that hurts, you pick yourself up and you move on!"

She's a bit offended that she still hurts from the loss of her mother and he finds it appropriate to just stop caring and feeling, hurting is a part of life that you're supposed to learn from, to become stronger by experiencing. He's cheating the system by bypassing it entirely.

[jolting]

Good, she was getting disgusted. That was one step closer to her being far away from him. He smiled humorlessly.

"Maybe I didn't want to be human anymore," he answered. "Maybe I wanted to be a monster. I am Victor Frankenstein, after all." He tapped her sketchpad where his image was drawn. "That's my real name, you know. Victor Frankenstein. Monsters are just part of who I am."

[bossily]

"Oh, come on!" She shouts, giving him a look of total disbelief. "You're a scientist. A mad one, maybe, but one all the same. Don't tell me you're like the rest of the world and confuse Frankenstein as being the monster." A part of her realizes that he wants her to be angry at him, to think less of him. To give up. But she's not a person who walks away, especially not from situations like this.

So she sets her sketchbook down near her easel and charges in close to him, getting up in his space. And then she pokes at his chest roughly, before balling up her hand into a fist to hit at his arm. "I'm going to figure out a way to reverse this, and you're going to be an adult and deal with it."

[jolting]

Poor girl. This would be breaking his heart, if it was still inside him to be touched like this. He took her hit calmly, then took her hand in both of his.

"I'm not confused, Clara. I am a monster. I certainly turned my own brother into one, and then I stood by and did nothing while he beat our father to death. And that is when I could feel something, Clara. Do you really think a man like that is worth bringing back?"

He was being cruel now, but it was better she learn now and be done with him.

[bossily]

She isn't moved by his speech, and stares up at him with not a single ounce of sympathy. "Yes," She insists, glancing down briefly at their hands. "Anyone is worth bringing back, if they can be redeemed. And part of that redemption? Is learning how to deal with the horrible things you've done, and the way they make you feel. Taking away that part of yourself doesn't make you a monster. You're being too generous when you call yourself a monster. Even monsters have the ability to be courageous and face what they've done."

[jolting]

What she was saying reminded him of Ruby's words: second chances, making something new of the life he was given. And Whale honestly tried to do that, but what was the point? He thought he redeemed himself a little when he saved Greg Mendel's life, but it ended up he just damned the entire town. If it weren't for Regina and Emma, it would've been destroyed. That wasn't just a single life; that was his home. And knowing that, he couldn't pull himself together to help Ruby.

His Shadow was right about him: all he ever did was fail. So he gave up his ability to feel, so the weight of his mistakes would stop crushing him.

"Yes, I'm a coward," Whale agreed. He rose to his feet, turning away from her. "I'm going back to my room now. I think the lesson is over."

[bossily]

"So you're just gonna walk away?" It comes out on a huff, and she gives out a soft trill of frustration. She doesn't understand him, not when he's like this. She still thinks fondly of him, and is determined to fix him, even though he says he has no desire to go back to the way he was.

"That's not very fair to either of us."

[jolting]

"Clara..." He wanted to go back and see what his heart was doing right now. Was it glowing, giving out a pulse, showing any sign that he would've been feeling an emotion? But she wouldn't leave it alone, so he faced her.

"You don't have magic, so you can't fix it. I'm sorry, but that's the truth."

[bossily]

"Maybe not. But I know people here that do." And even if she doesn't believe in it, she's willing to get caught up in all that mess to try and fix this. She knows that once he's back to normal, he'll understand and thank her. And if not, then he can just live with the feel of hating her for doing what's right.

[jolting]

He touched her shoulder, squeezing it gently. "I'm sure you do." She was a good girl. Determined and focused. A lot like him, actually, which was why he liked her. What was his heart doing now?

"But I'm not telling you where to find it."

[bossily]

"I'm not expecting you to. I want you to promise you won't try to stop me." Her hand goes up to touch at his, and she gives it a gentle squeeze. It's more of an attempt to implore him to use some common sense and try to be a decent person again. She doesn't like him like this, doesn't make any sense out of why he would choose this.

"It though," she pauses, realizing something. "You said it. What is it that you're not gonna help me find?"

[jolting]

He pulled his hand away, stepping back to put space between them. She was looking for someone who was no longer there. That person was locked away in a box. Whale shook his head at the girl's question.

"I can't answer that question. I don't want it back and that's final."