Ianto Jones (
torchwoodteaboy) wrote in
entrancelogs2013-10-22 12:08 am
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Entry tags:
(no subject)
Who: Ianto Jones and Jack Harkness
Where: Their room,
When: Evening of October 21st
Rating: PG-13? (Will change if necessary)
Summary: There's something that Ianto's been meaning to tell Jack. Something he's been putting off for months now, because he just can't seem to find the right moment. How do you break the news that you're dead to someone you love, after all?
The Story:
Ianto has been meaning to tell Jack about his future for a while now. He knows that it's been over a month since he'd gone to Clara and Martha for advice on whether or not he should, and if so how. Over a month since he spoke to Owen and came to the conclusion that he would need to do it himself, or else risk something terrible happening with Wonderland itself breaking the news to him. Now it looks as though Wonderland isn't what he would need to worry about at all, but its inhabitants, what with the Doctor appearing. He knows that the Time Lord is from the future. He knows that he knows what happens, and whether he's promised to keep quiet on the matter or not, he doesn't trust it. It's now or never, he tells himself, and the thought of it slipping out in a conversation with the Doctor rather than coming from Ianto himself is the only thing that's keeping him from running for the hills as he sits on the sofa in their room and waits for Jack to return that evening.
He hasn't called Jack back early. The other man might still be out exploring with the Doctor, or perhaps he's off on some other adventure of his own making. He didn't want to cut off the other man's fun, not for this. Not with this news. But it means that he's been left waiting. Ianto's a pretty patient man, but he's starting to fidget in his seat, a million different 'what if' scenarios starting to play through his head as he does.
Where: Their room,
When: Evening of October 21st
Rating: PG-13? (Will change if necessary)
Summary: There's something that Ianto's been meaning to tell Jack. Something he's been putting off for months now, because he just can't seem to find the right moment. How do you break the news that you're dead to someone you love, after all?
The Story:
Ianto has been meaning to tell Jack about his future for a while now. He knows that it's been over a month since he'd gone to Clara and Martha for advice on whether or not he should, and if so how. Over a month since he spoke to Owen and came to the conclusion that he would need to do it himself, or else risk something terrible happening with Wonderland itself breaking the news to him. Now it looks as though Wonderland isn't what he would need to worry about at all, but its inhabitants, what with the Doctor appearing. He knows that the Time Lord is from the future. He knows that he knows what happens, and whether he's promised to keep quiet on the matter or not, he doesn't trust it. It's now or never, he tells himself, and the thought of it slipping out in a conversation with the Doctor rather than coming from Ianto himself is the only thing that's keeping him from running for the hills as he sits on the sofa in their room and waits for Jack to return that evening.
He hasn't called Jack back early. The other man might still be out exploring with the Doctor, or perhaps he's off on some other adventure of his own making. He didn't want to cut off the other man's fun, not for this. Not with this news. But it means that he's been left waiting. Ianto's a pretty patient man, but he's starting to fidget in his seat, a million different 'what if' scenarios starting to play through his head as he does.
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"I noticed that you and the Doctor said a few words." And don't think he's going to easily believe that what was visible on the network is all that was said. He's smarter than that, Ianto. The Doctor just doesn't stop talking that quickly, especially not this regeneration. The sleeves are rolled, snug into place above his elbows, and then he turns with a, hopefully, devastating smirk, ready to pin his handsome Welshman in place with a look, continuing on as he does, "Did you-"
Except, when his eyes stop on the other man, it doesn't take but a second to realize that something's wrong. It pauses him in mid sentence, and his smirk falls away, his brows furrowing somewhat. Well, he hadn't exactly been expecting Ianto to be excited about the Time Lord's arrival- even with their brief interaction during the incident with the Daleks, he knew the younger man didn't have near the same high opinion of the Doctor as Jack himself did- but he hadn't expected this either. His hands, which had reached up to undo the top button of his shirt, fall as he steps to the sofa, his knees bending so he can be at eye level with Ianto, and he reaches out to him.
"Ianto?"
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"Jack," he says, softly, "I..." He pauses, swallowing softly, trying to keep his eyes from giving everything away. "We need to talk."
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lovescares for Ianto deeply, deeper than he wants to admit sometimes. He doesn't let that fear reflect in his eyes, though, doesn't let his touch on Ianto's arm flinch like he wants to, because surely the other man can't be that upset with Jack for disappearing for a few hours as soon as the Doctor appeared, can he? Even if it was the same thing Jack'd had done both of the times the Time Lord had appeared in the past. Surely Ianto's forgiven him for those times."Sure." He's careful to keep his tone easy, his gaze light. Beneath Ianto's hand, he rubs his thumb back and forth on his arm, comforting. As if his heart's not suddenly beating a million miles a minute with worry. "What's up?"
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He motions for the other man to join him on the couch. Much as he enjoys having Jack right where he is, the position is just going to add to Jack's anxiety, and it's going to make him feel like he needs to rush the story along. "I..." he starts, and then tries again. He's hoping that even if Jack moves, he won't let go of his arm. It's the one solid thing that's anchoring him down right now. "There's. Something I have to tell you." Ianto's willing to suspect that Jack has figured out by now that there's something he's been keeping from him, after all. Jack's observant, especially, he's found, when it comes to people he cares for.
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"I don't suppose this has anything to do with the difference in our timelines, hmmm?" He aims for a casual, playful tone, and mostly succeeds.
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He takes a deep breath before he continues, looking down at their hands because he can't quite look up at Jack's eyes, afraid of what he might see there. "Jack, I. I know that theoretically you're not supposed to hear about the future before it happens. Timelines and all. But. Knowing this place, you're going to find out eventually, and. I'd rather you find out from me."
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"What happened?"
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Ianto meets Jack's eyes for a long moment, his face cupped in the other man's hand, searching the other man's expression, taking in the worried lines on his face, at the way Jack's thumb keeps running itself back and forth across his hand. He wishes so much in those few breaths that he were from a different time, even if it were just a day before, so he wouldn't know what was coming either. But he can't erase his memories. And he can't keep this from the other man. Not for any longer. It's now or never, he knows, and he has to speak up before he loses his nerve.
Ianto doesn't have the words planned. He doesn't have the moment thought out, he doesn't have the series of events carefully charted through. All he has is here and now, Jack with that look on his face and himself with that rock of dread settling itself in his stomach, the question in the other man's eyes, written all over his body language, prompting him to open his mouth and answer in the most honest way that he can.
"...I died, Jack." Half a breath's pause, as he swallows slightly, and reiterates what he's sure will be some of the hardest news he'll ever have to share with the other man. "I'm dead."
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"Dead?" The word was an echo, and almost- empty. His gaze was moving then, searching the other man's face, seeking- what was he seeking? For a joke of some kind, because he knew damn well that this wasn't something Ianto would joke about. But he couldn't be serious. He didn't give a damn how high the mortality rate was with Torchwood, Ianto couldn't be-
"No." It was the only answer. Because Jack would be damned if he'd let Ianto die. His hand fell away, from Ianto's cheek, and he didn't notice the imperceptible shudder in the hand that still held Ianto's hand. His head shook, his lips pursed, and, as the shudder increased, he pinned the other man with his gaze. Because he didn't give a damn, if the Doctor thought that this was some kind of time trap, that if they escaped that they wouldn't remember, didn't give a damn that apparently he had left once before and then returned with no memory. He would not let Ianto die. "Not anymore."
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The look in Jack's eyes chills Ianto to the core, and not because of any sort of negative emotion in them, directed at him or otherwise, but at how blank and distant they are, how quick the shutters go down, not just around Jack himself but also between the pair of them, subtly. The one sliver of hope, the lifeline that he could cling to in all of this was the fact that Jack was still holding his hand. He hadn't let go of that yet. Although he can feel the other man's hand shaking in his own. In that moment, he's not sure whether he should let him go, let him deal with this as best he can on his own, or hold on tighter than before, to anchor Jack in the here and now.
Jack's words hurt though, not a sharp stinging bite so much as a low ache that spreads through every part of him as he shakes his head in response to them. "No, Jack," he says, quietly. "It's already happened. There's no fixing this. Not this time." He already figures that it had to happen, for some reason. That his death had to have been important, for the solution with the 456. A fixed point in time, and that's why the Doctor must not have come. No changing what cannot be changed, and Time Lord or not, how could he possibly have stood to show up and tell Jack no.
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"How did it happen?" His hand still holds to Ianto, despite that aura, despite the firm tone in his voice, the look in his eyes that brooks no disagreement. That tolerates no refusal. He'll find out what happened, and he will change it. He will fix it. And Ianto is going to give him the knowledge to do so.
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"Fast," Ianto says, his voice barely above a whisper. He's normally perfect at reading the other man's expression, but the wall that Jack threw up around himself once Ianto broke the news to him is near impenetrable, and Ianto half doesn't know what to do with himself. Jack's conviction that he's going to be able to save him hurts more than he's willing to admit. "I. There was a toxin. A virus. Released into the air. It killed everyone in the building we were in." He clutches Jack's hand, the contact feeling more and more like a life line with each passing moment. "There was nothing you could do," he says, shaking his head, as he holds Jack's gaze. "There was nothing anyone could do."
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He can save Ianto. He will.
"What building? What were we doing there, and who released the toxin?" Because he hasn't missed the 'we' in Ianto's words. He knows what that means. That he and Ianto both died. That in some future, Ianto's future, he had to watch his lover die, and then die himself, with the knowledge that Ianto would be gone when he revived. That, too, he refuses. Denies.
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He shakes his head at the other man, his voice rough and low when he manages to speak again. "You can't," he says.
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There's a disconnect. A flash of- something. And then- his voice is steel. Cold. And suddenly he's shaking, with some raw emotion he can't place, can't process, and his hand pulls back. He pushes up from the couch, smooth, and steps back, turns away.
"I can. I won't be trapped here forever; when I get back, I need to know what happened. It's the only way to prevent it. The only way to save you." There's a bite to his tone, something warm, no, hot building within him. For Ianto to refuse to tell him, to believe him... There's another shudder, that runs down the full length of his body, but it's the only visible movement. He remains facing away, statue still, and when he speaks again, it's an almost venomous command. "Tell me, and I can change the future."
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"Don't," Ianto says, sitting forward in his seat, running his hands over his face, feeling the loss of the other man's presence beside him like a void. "Stop. If you keep talking about saving me, I'll actually believe you, and then when you disappear again and forget about all of this and I'll have to go through it all over again, or worse, when you disappear and come back after the fact and blame yourself for my death, for not being able to save me, for not being able to change it, to stop anything..." He shakes his head. "It will kill me, Jack. I can't."
He looks back up to Jack, defiant against the other man's commanding tone. "You blamed yourself, last time. Why the hell do you think it took me so long to tell you now? You blamed yourself, it ate at you until you lost yourself to the guilt, and it wasn't your fault, Jack, it wasn't your fault. The Hub, the 456, my death. None of it." It isn't until the words are out of his mouth that Ianto realizes what he's said, how much he's said. An ice-cold dread settles in his stomach as he forces himself to meet the other man's eyes. Shit.
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It's a white hot thrill. He fans it, lets it burst into full force flames, because anger- anger is better than the alternative. Especially when Ianto continues, and suddenly there's a name, an achingly familiar species, and the wash of terror that floods through him is matched only with the second flicker of fire at the reminder that this is the secret he's been harboring for three damn months.
"Don't you dare," Jack snarls in return, and his eyes are ablaze as he meets the other man's eyes dead on, "presume to lay this at my feet. Don't you dare try to pin this on something I can't even remember. I have no control over that, and you damn well know it, Ianto. And you sure as hell know that I would never leave you if I had a choice, would never erase one single memory of the time we've had together. If you're going to make judgement calls about me based on something I can't control or remember-"
He breaks off, just barely, because the next words out of his mouth- they aren't pretty. They are damning. Destructive. And he is seething, his chest rising and falling with his sudden anger, fists clenching, and behind the blaze in his eyes is something ice cold.
"I don't need you to tell me what happened to find out."
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Ianto can't help that last comment, the way it's aimed to sting. There are emotions fighting underneath their argument that Ianto's only just realizing he has. This isn't how he expected things to go in the least. He really hadn't prepared himself for anything even close to their current interaction. More than anything, Ianto just wants Jack to hold him, to be there for him now, not making promises about the future that may or may not happen in the long run. But there they are. And apparently he's reacting so badly that Jack's even threatening to go to other sources for the information. He can't help but laugh a little bitterly at that. "If you're talking about going to the Doctor, don't bother. Apparently beyond being your little 'tag-along', he doesn't even remember who I am, never mind what happened to me. Good to know that I have such a high standing, after everything." He bites back a comment about so much for not being able to forget him. He may be upset, and he may be a little angry, but he's not vindictive. Of course, that doesn't mean that he has a complete control on everything that's coming out of his mouth, right now.
"So what, Jack," Ianto bites out, continuing, "you're allowed to get upset at me for making a judgment call based on a memory of something that happened, but I'm not allowed to question a decision you make that could possibly erase everything I've done, everything I remember for the last 5 months? That could possibly erase my existence entirely, and or worse, create another version of myself to live the life that I'll never get? Is that what you want, Jack? God knows it's what you're headed for. I'd still be stuck here but you'd have him, happy and none-the-wiser, which I guess is all that matters in the end, is it?"
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"The Doctor's not the only one who knows," he growled back coldly. Martha knew, Jack was certain of that, and he was willing to bet Owen would know too, possibly even Clara.
He stepped forward, then, closer to where Ianto sat still on the sofa, and stared down at him, something dark in his eyes. Because even as something within him flinched at the younger man's words, even knowing that changing his future could and would erase what Ianto had experienced after his death- Ianto wouldn't remember any of it, nothing of his time here, nothing about their time together in Wonderland, nothing about the horrors, and laughter, and Welsh puppies, and friends- at least he would be alive. Because the thought of a world with Ianto dead, no matter how much he knew it would happen eventually, the thought of it happening now, in such a short time...
"Do you want to die, Ianto?" he spit out as he towered over his seated form. "Because if you're done, if you have zero desire to live, if you'd rather be a cold corpse buried in the ground than living, and breathing, and alive..." Than be with Jack... He stopped. Inhaled deeply, shudderingly. And his jaw steeled, his lips thinned. "Then you damn well better tell me now."
It wouldn't stop him, but if Ianto would rather be dead than with Jack, he'd leave now. He would not let Ianto stop him.
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"Do you honestly believe that I would ever choose death over more time with you? Over even getting one single bloody day more? Fuck, Jack...!" Ianto swore, spitting the anger and the pain he was feeling back in the other man's face. "I would give anything for things to have gone differently. But they didn't, and they won't, and I will not let you destroy the universe just to get me back! This place," he motions around to their room, indicating Wonderland itself, "the people I have here? They're all that I have left." He meets the other man's eyes from honestly not that far away, blue eyes full of ice and pain. "All that I'll ever have again, with any of them. With you. For something you supposedly value so highly, you're awfully eager to sacrifice it for a goal that you know that you can't achieve," he bites out.
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And if it is... universe be damned, Jack will unfix it.
"I'm saving you, whether you like it or not." His eyes flash, meeting the look in Ianto's eyes unflinchingly, with a hard look of his own. "No matter what it takes. If it means I have to make some sacrifices to do that, then so be it."
He will sacrifice almost anything, anyone, to save the man before him.
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And so he shakes his head, the look in his eyes pained and raw, and there's probably no way he can mask the tears at this point. "You keep going down this path and you're as good as killing me yourself," he grinds out, his voice low and rough, with edges sharp as broken glass. And without another word, Ianto turns on his heel and walks out of the room, their room, the sound of the door shutting behind him loud in the void he leaves behind.
don't mind me, just stealin' your log here...
And that leaves him at Jack and Ianto's door, eyeing it darkly and muttering a few choice words that he doesn't really mean under his breath. Heaven help anyone who relies on Owen Harper to solve their fucking relationship problems, he thinks sourly. But next to Ianto, he's the one who knows Jack best - which is a laugh, because when it comes down to it, he doesn't really know Jack at all. He's spent enough time working with the other man to be familiar with his moods, though, and he reckons he can snap Jack out of it and back to seeing reason. Hopefully. If not, he's going to have to put up with both of them moping around and wallowing in self-pity and guilt, and that's hardly an appealing prospect. (That's why he's doing this, he tells himself, and not because Ianto's his best mate or anything like that. Not because Ianto came looking for him when Clara had died, not because they've spent nights drinking together and talking about their problems. It's still easier for him to deny things to himself, to pretend he's the same old Owen Harper, even when he knows he isn't.)
"Oi, Jack," he calls out, knocking on the door. "You in, or am I going to have to hike up to the bloody roof because you're pulling your best Batman imitation again?"
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"It's not an imitation when I did it first."
It's not an invitation, but it's all Owen's going to get for the moment. The door's unlocked, as Jack hasn't bothered to go as far as the door since Ianto walked out. When it opens, Jack's settled at the sofa, sitting where Ianto had been when he first got in, and there's a bottle on the end table he's moved beside the thing. The tumblr in his hand is mostly empty, although it's anyone's guess if Jack just didn't fill it that full, or if he's already knocked that much back. He doesn't look up from it, though.
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"Guess you've got the chin to be Batman, at any rate," he remarks idly, swirling the alcohol inside the glass before he takes a sip. "And the dashing good looks, et cetera." Might as well banter for a few moments before they get down to business.
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He half looks up when Owen snags a glass for himself and plops down, and then he knocks back the rest of his drink and takes hold of the bottle to pour another. Unlike the younger man, he doesn't hesitate in taking another drink, and it's more than a sip, but- well, Jack's not exactly a lightweight, and at the moment, he's aiming for drink enough to take away a bit of the edge. Not all of it, though, because the next thing he does is turn, to pin a look on the other man.
"I take it you've talked to Ianto." It's not a question. He knows that here, in Wonderland, Owen and Ianto are closer than they had been in Cardiff. There's a pang of regret, that he'll be taking that memory away from Ianto when he changes his death, but it's not enough to make any kind of dent in his determination to do it regardless. Wiping out his memories and experiences in Wonderland means nothing compared to keeping the Welshman alive.
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He doesn't really care how much Jack drinks; if things go poorly with him, after all, he knows Ianto's going to be getting pissed later, and that means Owen will be doing the same, and they'll all be horribly hungover tomorrow morning. (Or he and Ianto will, anyway; he hasn't the foggiest idea whether Jack can actually get hangovers.)
"If I'd known you were going to be a twat about it, I wouldn't have told him to tell you about it in the first place." Owen's next drink is larger, because he wants to fortify himself for this conversation. "But I, being the apparently foolish person I am, said that it would be fine, that it would be better to tell you before it somehow fucking managed to slip out, because that's what this place does sometimes. So thanks for proving me wrong, Harkness."
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"Is that what it's called when you decide to save someone's life?" To save the life of the person you love? The question isn't entirely without heat, but it's not directed at Owen himself but at- fuck if he knows who it's directed at. He's angry- at Ianto, at himself, at the world at large, and that anger simmers over a boil of another emotion he's determined to ignore. Ianto hasn't died yet, not in Jack's timeline, and he's not going to let him die. There's no need for any other emotion. "Because I thought that was a pretty logical reaction."
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Except, of course, that he can believe it, because he's been the result of Jack's desperate clutching at straws before. "Good thing you don't have another sodding glove," he scoffs, topping off his own glass, "otherwise you'd be shagging Ianto's corpse. But no, instead you're just going to fuck up the timelines, 'cos I'm sure that won't do a bloody thing to the Rift, and if it does, who cares? You're Jack fucking Harkness, and you can obviously do whatever you like, unlike the rest of us."
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Not ever, if Jack has anything to say about it. The glare he pins on Owen, as he takes another swig of his drink before the tumbler is set heavily on the end table, is angrier than before, and this time it is directed at him. "The reason I told you otherwise is because you don't have the experience or training needed to make those kinds of decisions. I do. Ianto dying isn't set, not yet." Because he won't let it be.
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Letting Owen intercede probably wasn't the wisest decision Ianto could have made, all things considered.
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And then Jack's up, pushing off the sofa, tumbler still in hand, as he stalks away from Owen. They're ugly words, and he's long forgiven Owen for what happened then, but in the heat of the moment, he doesn't give a damn, not when Owen of all people is accusing him of wrecking a timeline. He stops, his back to the sofa, the lines of his body tense.
"I know what I'm doing."
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He drains the rest of his tumbler in one swift gulp, setting it back down on the table so forcefully that he's surprised it doesn't crack. "What even makes you think you'll remember when you go home? Shit, Jack, that's probably why this place makes us forget."