and if bridges gotta fall then you'll fall, too

[halfwinchester]

Who: Double log ahoy! Adam Milligan (halfwinchester) and Castiel (freewill), followed by Jo Harvelle (lightgunhustler) on another day.
Where: In the library with Castiel, then the ballroom with Jo.
When: Backdated for angel times on the 5th, big sis times on the 6th.
Rating: G for now!
Summary: Apparently Santa decide to give Adam a social circle for Christmas.
The Story:



Castiel


For Adam Milligan, a new year was a stupid thing to celebrate. He'd survived too many of them; they were just meaningless numbers now, brittle, forgettable. The idea of New Year's celebrations happening around the mansion had annoyed him a little, less than Thanksgiving but more than Christmas. People were too damn happy around here sometimes, celebrating holidays that probably didn't even exist in this world. (Though he had gotten too drunk to stand on New Year's Eve, go figure).

He was happy when things settled down again and he could approach the "new year" on his own terms: slowly, and with a great deal of forethought. He went out for a few hours on New Year's Day and again on the third, and when no bodily harm came to him, he felt a little less like Chicken Little waiting for the sky to fall as he did after breaking every long stretch of solitude.

Here was hoping the third time wasn't the charm.

Adam officially gave no shits as he went looking for the library that day, checking each floor until he finally found where it was hiding. Looking through the stacks was about as calming as it got. A pleasant reminder of his old life.



Jo


It had been a long time since Adam had made plans--real plans, not just bumping into people, or being introduced to others, or getting unexpected visits at this door. Almost every day since arriving in Wonderland had been about living on the defensive. Burying memories as far down as they could go. Reacting. Following other people's lead. Getting away from the Winchesters' version of the Baby-sitters Club had been a good start, but moving out... that had been about hiding his damage from sight, not conquering it. Keeping himself from backsliding was about all he could do.

Or thought he could do.

Calling Jo Harvelle out of the blue and hinting to someone he was afraid his grip might slip one day was different.

Adam didn't know what he was asking when he wanted to talk outside of his little nest of quiet hours and nightmares, only that he knew something had to be done. He was hoping in some weird way that she could give him some direction; he sure as hell didn't trust his "family" enough to sit down with them and try to explain that he worried he was going to fall into a rut he couldn't get out of.

But waiting in front of one of the ballroom's windows felt like a step in some kind of direction.

Comments

[freewill]

There was so much that Adam didn't know, so much that had happened between when he'd entered the Cage and the time that Castiel was from. Sam and Dean were even further ahead. No one had bothered to tell him about any of it, or maybe Adam hadn't asked until now.

It seemed like a strange thing to be discussing in the aftermath of inspecting Adam's soul. He'd be better off resting in a bed now, but he was keeping his composure well enough, most likely because that kind of pain barely registered for him. Not when compared to what Michael and Lucifer could do.

"After Michael was gone, he still had followers. Raphael, most importantly. Heaven went to war, and I led the other side. After that, there were other forces to deal with. Creatures from Purgatory called Leviathans, and Crowley managed to make himself a nuisance. In Heaven there's still a power struggle, but the exact wrong angels keep taking control."

Which was how he'd ended up yanked out of Purgatory and put through a round of intense mental conditioning. It still stung whenever he thought about it, even though it had been months since he was under Naomi's sway.

He hadn't exactly answered any of Adam's questions, but that was because he didn't have any good responses. Who was saving their souls? They didn't have souls in a technical sense, it was their Grace that made them divine -- but either way, there was no denying that no one was looking out for them. Not the way that Castiel strove to keep the majority of the humans out there oblivious to what lurked beneath the surface.

Unfortunately, Adam hadn't been granted that luxury.

[halfwinchester]

Leviathans. Adam blinked at the far wall, staring almost dully. He knew that word from Charlie... and Crowley, he Adam knew personally... "Same shit, then," Adam summarized once Castiel was finished. "Different day."

He hadn't bought into this for a history lesson, but monsters--the angels included--acting like monsters didn't surprise him. Everything that had happened to end the Apocalypse hadn't fixed much at all.

Not his problem.

Here was his problem. This place was his problem. Here, he couldn't even die properly or look into a mirror without being reminded that there was a version of himself running around who had made the great leap between human and demon, and was a hell of a lot more put together than Adam for it.

Adam shrugged finally. "Real educational, but all that says is that people are still the chew toys. If souls are so great, really doesn't seem like you need the people attached to them."

He could only call all of this how he saw it, and he didn't think he was wrong.

[freewill]

"Souls are meant to be protected. A soul doesn't mean much without the person itself, though there are some who would view them as sources of power and nothing else. All those souls in Heaven are guarded for a reason."

Those who looked at soul and saw only power were the people that Castiel was trying to stop, even though he'd been the same way at one point. Not that he had ever wanted to make use of human souls during his fight against Raphael. Monster souls were another issue, and he hadn't felt much guilt in using those.

Looking back on it now, even that much was a mistake, but at least he'd learned his lesson. He had no intention of using souls lightly these days. No, he'd much prefer that they stay where they belong, which was in a human's body.

They could discuss this all Adam wanted, but in the end Castiel's view of it wasn't going to change. Adam's soul might be putting him through Hell right now, but that was better than removing it and leaving an empty husk in its place.

He'd seen Sam without a soul, and it hadn't been a pretty picture.

[halfwinchester]

Guarded, was it? Funny how hard it was to believe what Castiel said when Adam felt like he must have been the one soul in the whole universe the supernatural community had collectively decided to play kickball with. His soul, as pure as the fucking driven snow as it might be, hadn't even been worth saving. He couldn't forget that.

Why now did Castiel seem to think that just being Adam--the confused, scared, damaged human Adam--was enough when it hadn't been enough before, when saving him could have actually mattered?

He shifted, letting his breath out slowly. Nothing he asked had to make sense to the angel, but now that they were here, it'd be nice to know his options. He didn't imagine they'd be having another talk like this about much of anything once Castiel took him off the to-do list and he was left to Michael's tender supervision again. "Just answer me straight, what would happen if a person was more like them? The demons. They don't remember what made them a person once, do they."

[freewill]

Adam wasn't letting this go, which was cause for concern all on its own, but getting rid of his soul wouldn't be as simple as he might think. He'd have to find someone who was both capable of removing it and willing to do so. Even if he made a deal with one of the demons here, who was to say it would be possible in this place?

"Most of them have no memory of being human," Castiel pointed out. "But if you removed your soul by force, it wouldn't be exactly like that. When Sam was walking around with a soul, he still had all of his memories of who he was, but..."

Castiel sighed and glanced down at his clasped hands, searching for the right words to explain how unsettling it had been. Sam himself could probably tell Adam what it felt like -- or didn't feel like, as the case may be -- but convincing Adam to speak to his siblings was proving to be a difficult task.

"He had no conscience, no sense of right and wrong. He couldn't feel anything. He was willing to let his brother get turned into a vampire because it would provide them an advantage on that particular hunt. He wasn't himself anymore."

Did Adam want to become that way? Maybe he truly didn't care anymore, and if that was true, then he might be beyond the point of saving.

[halfwinchester]

Castiel, though he might not have known it, was thinking five steps ahead of Adam. Flat-out giving away his soul or casting it aside had never occurred to him, though frankly, that had more to do with the fact that he'd never considered it possible, not that he was so opposed to the concept.

Not until now, anyway. Adam narrowed his eyes. "You can do that? Remove a soul and not die?"

He'd judged the Winchesters before for seemingly living in a space where the lines were indistinct--you could call someone you'd never met a brother, believe angels were bad, want to put the world at risk of letting Satan rise rather than fight him head-on. Now, though, he existed in that space, too. Demons were no longer intrinsically evil as he might have believed once. Dying was no longer the worst possibility he could imagine. And even the prospect of losing his conscience...

Stacked up against the unending string of memories crammed into his head of pain, pain, and more pain, if trying to do the right thing and believing in angels couldn't guarantee him a free pass from eternal torture, then really, how much more damage could being conscienceless cause him? He'd maxed out the punishment meter already.

And as for Winchesters having a sense of right and wrong... Had they ever? Sam had said "yes" to Lucifer. Dean had left his own flesh and blood in the pit. Did that not count on the grading scale?

"Sorry if I don't see the difference right away," Adam murmured with some cynicism. "That sounds an awful lot like leaving a brother in the Cage and calling it a day."

[freewill]

"It's hardly orthodox and extremely dangerous, but yes, it's possible," Castiel confirmed. He shouldn't have brought up the idea in the first place, since there was a chance that now Adam wouldn't be able to let it go, that he'd go snooping. Chances were Michael wanted nothing more than for Adam to lose his soul, as he'd be that much easier to manipulate.

He'd have to keep an eye on Adam from now on. Not enough of one to make him feel suffocated, but he'd keep track of his actions. If he started calling up other angels or demons for help with removing his soul, then Castiel would know about it.

That bitter remark wasn't completely uncalled for, but Castiel felt that Adam was blaming the wrong person for it. "I was the one who took Sam out and not you. That wasn't his fault."

No, it was Castiel's. And he was the one who'd left Sam's soul in there as well, even if it had been completely accidental.

[halfwinchester]

Adam didn't know how he felt about that idea, and besides, following the advice of angels was how he'd gotten himself into trouble before. Still, the fact that Castiel seemed wary of the possibility was enough to get Adam's attention; he filed the confirmation away, not saying anything. Rather than actually helping with the Michael situation, the only thing Team Winchester seemed to good for in Wonderland was getting in his face and not helping. Now wasn't the time for them to finally decide it was worth keeping an eye on him; the last thing he needed was Sam, Dean, and Castiel crawling up his ass for all the wrong reasons at all the wrong times.

Really, they'd done enough "helping" by stopping Michael and Lucifer and leaving him to pay the price for it. He could understand why, even if there was no forgiving the hard truths Castiel had revealed. It was the lies continued to make Adam angry, the efforts to cover each other's asses, the pretending to have Adam's best interests at heart now. They were all at fault, and Adam, too.

"You were the one who's said it's been years for you since then," Adam corrected, tired but still standing firm, spine stiff. "It's not your guys' fault you didn't know me well enough to want to go all in, but you had years, and a way into Hell, and no one did anything after Dean made a call. That's on all of you."

Dean and Sam both. Dean more for still talking about sparing nothing for family on his soapbox when the glaring reality was that family had limits. Sam at least didn't bother to try.

[freewill]

Now it felt like they were going in circles. Castiel had already acknowledged his mistakes time after time, at least to himself, but maybe it hadn't sunk in for Adam. He could make a few different excuses, the main one being that it had been dangerous enough breaking into the Cage the first time. Going back for another try could have led to something catastrophic. What if Michael and Lucifer broke out, for instance?

But those words wouldn't count for anything. Adam was still hurt and more than that, he'd paid the highest price. Castiel had only just seen the results for himself while viewing Adam's soul.

"You're right," he agreed after a long pause. "I don't think an apology will mean much to you, but you're right." That wouldn't soothe any of it either, so all Castiel could really do was try to make up for it in tiny ways here in Wonderland. Like this entire meeting of theirs, for example.

As much as he wanted to walk away from the situation -- they'd been in this bunker for what felt like hours -- he didn't. He remained where he was, a small way to dedicate himself to being there for Adam in whatever small way that he could. He'd leave whenever Adam decided that they were done.

[halfwinchester]

If there was a way to climb out of this hole, Adam had no idea what it could be, likely no more than how Castiel and the Winchesters knew what to do about John's third son. Couldn't go back. Couldn't go forward. Going in circles was the only thing he could do.

He'd stockpiled so much sadness and pain over the years, it was anyone's guess when the reservoir would finally run dry. Not even Adam knew. When he blinked and inhaled, gaze roving aimlessly, it was with full awareness of that fact. "Back to square one, then," he said, acknowledging what the angel said with a look.

Like he'd said before, they'd saved the world from having two archangels fight on Earth, and one of the worst things about this all was that they'd been right to open the Cage's door, too, even if Adam was right that they'd let down an innocent person and let themselves forget about it. One life didn't outweigh the many. If Michael had his way and every player on the chess board played the game over again, Adam suspected they'd do exactly the same thing for the same reasons.

And here, now, Michael's markings were still etched into his bones and his soul was still... whatever it was.

Back to square one.

"You let me know if you think of something about the Michael problem." Adam would have to figure out the rest himself, if he could.

[freewill]

Back to square one? Not exactly. Castiel felt that some progress had been made, at least, but that was from his perspective. If Adam didn't feel as if anything had changed within him since he'd arrived here, who was Castiel to tell him otherwise?

He wished there was more that he could do. That with a flick of his wrist he could put everything right. He hadn't been able to do that with Sam -- the only option had been to take the damage onto himself and work through it, as an angel had far more resilience than a human when it came to such things.

But he doubted that Adam would want that, even if it would mean relief. It was something to keep in mind either way.

"Of course," he said, nodding sincerely. He wanted to fix that almost as much as Adam. Michael being involved in anything tended to be a bad sign, and Castiel was prepared to cut him off if it was at all possible. A seraph couldn't do much against an archangel, unfortunately, but he'd look into it.

Castiel straightened, as he could sense that the conversation was coming to an end. He glanced at Adam. "Would you like me to take you back to the mansion, or would you prefer to climb out of here?"

[halfwinchester]

If he were smarter, or even just less exhausted at having monsters constantly weighing the worth of his soul, Adam would ask the other questions on his mind, but like a lot of things these days, there didn't seem to be a point. Tonight he would still have nightmares, and tomorrow he would still be like this, albeit with a slightly different way of looking at demon kind.

"No," Adam said, rubbing his chin. He wasn't keen on an angel treating him like a burden--anymore than usual, that is. If he couldn't even walk himself out of here without help, he really hadn't built up a tolerance to pain at all. "I'll go myself."

He looked at Castiel pointedly, expecting him to fly the coop.

[freewill]

It was the expected answer, and Castiel nodded firmly, understanding Adam's need for independence. It was one of the only things he had left, after all.

He could have walked out with him, but that might make Adam feel as if he was being monitored, and so Castiel did exactly as Adam predicted.

"Watch out for Michael," he warned, "and pray for me if he makes any threats toward you." Castiel stood a better chance against an archangel than Adam did, there was no arguing that. He'd skirmished with Raphael enough to not be afraid of the idea.

And with that, he took off, leaving behind only the sound of wings flapping.