entrancelogs | time to take a stroll

time to take a stroll

Who: Quinn + EVERYBODY
Where: The beach
When: June 25
Rating: --
Summary: Quinn announced a beach party on the network. Or just a get together. Bring your own whatever you want to do. Mingle mingle mingle

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_{[He knows because his other self had wanted him to know. And boy, he wishes he didn't.

Adam's watching Samandriel closely when the angel goes to answer, looking for any sign of his reaction, but the very slight change in demeanor all but confirms Adam's fears... and crushes his hopes he'd just been understanding his Mirror's message wrong. The angel's flustered. Ugh. That says it all. That says enough.

He grimaces, not wanting to know what could possibly be done to make an angel go pink in the cheeks.]}

So he was being straight.

_{[Adam's realization is a disappointing one. More accurately, his Mirror had been... really, really not straight. It's enough to make him want to hurl in his mouth.

To chase away his discomfort, Adam reaches for his old stand-by: annoyance. He rolls his shoulders stiffly.]}

Forget it, I don't want to know what that thing's been doing. _{[His look darkens for a second.]} Or why you didn't just kill it when you had the chance. I thought maybe you were saving the best for me for whatever new plan you angels are probably cooking up, but... if what you're saying is true, you've just been sitting on my shoulder this whole time. Looking out for me?

_{[Can Samandriel hear the skepticism in Adam's voice? Can he comprehend how little Adam buys the idea of Samandriel having his back like a nice little canary? Samandriel spouting this stuff in a vessel that's back to proper size is just as ridiculous as when he'd been miniature and saying it.

"On his side"? "Help him"? If he had a dollar for every time a monster said that to him, he'd be rich. And still hollowed out by Hell.]}

You're not on my side, angel. That's how the Apocalypse happened, remember? You know I almost died again last month. Funny, I never see a single one of you hanging around when you could actually do something.

_{[Just Blake, and for that Adam will owe him for a long time to come. But in the end, it'd just been Blake, not Dean, or Sam, or Castiel, or any of the others. No one's really watching out for Adam except those few, rare people he's met in Wonderland, and an angel sure as hell doesn't count among them. Hardly anything rubs Adam as wrong as something like an angel claiming it wants to help him and failing to understand that he needs help everyday just to stay afloat--that he's needed help.]}

Edited 2014-07-01 07:12 (UTC)

[The mentions of not wanting to know what his mirror has been doing, or why he didn't kill it while he had the opportunity nearly make Samandriel flinch. He's been thinking about these a lot since they've happened, and he still chastises himself often for them--hearing Adam doing it just makes him realize all over again how terribly he'd handled that mess. And if this is just how Adam reacts, he doesn't want to know what Michael will do...]

Yes. --Or, trying to. [He manages to get the words in quietly, though he's shrunk down slightly in hearing Adam's skepticism. And as Adam continues, Samandriel only manages to feel... Well, bad. Guilty. Because it's true, he hasn't done a good job of what he claims to be doing. He hadn't even known Adam had almost died recently...

Gaze lowering to the ground, almost as though he's being lectured, the angel doesn't respond right away. He simply stares at the ground, at something of a loss for what to say. Or how to show Adam that he really does want to help him, even if he's...failed to so far.]

...I'm sorry. I wasn't aware at the time. [His voice is soft, but honestly apologetic.] I am on your side, Adam. There was nothing I could do about the apocalypse, but I am honestly sorry for what happened. You deserve far better.

[Pursing his lips, he glances off to the side for a moment, then brings his gaze up to meet Adam's once more.]

I truly am sorry. Had I known you were in danger, I would have been there to help you, but I'm afraid I was otherwise occupied...

_{[Unlike Michael, Adam doesn't want all demons dead, just the one: his own. (Ironic, given his feelings that people would be better off if a giant hand swatted all the angels off the face of the Earth.) His Mirror is the devil he knows too well, and divides him between envy and disgust--envy for a version of himself that's managed to bury his pain, and disgust for one that's forgotten everything else about being human. Even so, Adam isn't sure what disgusts him more: his Mirror spying on his life here, or angels spying on him and trying to pass it off as helping him like Samandriel is doing now.

He digs his hands deeper into his pockets. It's hard to pretend he has any freedom when angels keep popping up like this. What's one even doing at the beach? Keeping tabs on what people are up to?

Or just what potential vessels are up to?]}

It happened. I'm just pointing out how this thing between your kind and me works.

_{[That is, badly. He suffers, he has conversations with hallucinations of people he knows, sometimes he cries, he dies, and angels just go on doing... whatever it is they do. His reply to his own near-death virtually amounts to shrugging it off with a "whatever." Guilt tripping an angel isn't the point (and it's not like they even feel guilt like a normal person), it's just an example of how fundamentally unhelpful they really are.

Adam could keep shrugging things off and continue to pretend he's imperturbable--something he's not and shouldn't have to be, but he's John's son and a scrap of meat to discard when his purpose is served, so he has no choice but to be--but this goddamn monster keeps pushing at his walls. Why? You deserve far better. Why does one of them keep trying to make him revisit the past, the all too recent past and the wounds he's still bleeding from, by showing him sympathy? It's too late, it's always too late, and if Adam lets himself accept the sentiment for even a second, he has to feel all over again how unfair everything really had been.

Even here, his half-brothers don't give a shit about him. It's still unfair.

What he deserves... what he'd deserved... he can't think about it. He won't give an angel in Heaven or Hell the satisfaction of seeing his tears, not if he has the will to hold them back, though they're never far from the surface. Adam twists his mouth at Samandriel's words, another grimace, more pained than ever.

"Stop being too late," is what Adam wants to say, but when it comes time to answer, he doesn't. He doesn't say anything.

It's the same silence he'd given Zachariah when he all he'd wanted to do was shout.]}

Be occupied, then. I wanted Dean to teach me those anti-angel sigils for a reason. Do you get me? I don't need... _{[Before he finishes, he exhales and takes in a new breath, as if that could possibly help relieve the growing pressure inside of him before he flat-out explodes from it.]} ... any more handlers with wings. Dying doesn't sound half-bad if I have to the same kind of "help" I got in the pit.

_{[How many times had Michael protecting his soul from Lucifer hurt just as bad as Lucifer's torment? Memories threaten to surge out of their dark resting place in his head.

He remembers instead what it'd felt like having Gabriel put his hand on him and stitch his soul back up when he'd come to Wonderland, and every revelation Castiel's dropped on him since that showcase just how insignificant he is to his brothers and to the other angels. He'd rather die than be the universe's bitch one more time. Wonderland encouraging him to kill himself is at least something he could do without any high power's influence--or, conversely, without someone with the means to save him just being too goddamn busy to remember him.

Castiel had been annoyed by these same feelings before, seeing Adam's perspective on angels as nothing more than fear and defeat, but they don't get it. None of them understand how hard it is to be this way.]}

Edited 2014-07-02 22:26 (UTC)

[While it's true that angels may not feel guilt like "normal people", that doesn't mean they don't. Or at least, that some of them don't. Samandriel certainly feels a weight of guilt, and not only when it comes to Adam. He'd let Heaven down, he'd made a huge mistake and wound up caught and tortured. He gave Crowley the names of all the prophets, and he's certain that lead to at least some of them being killed... He feels horrible about all of it. And while he's not directly responsible for anything that happened to Adam, he does feel guilt over it. Maybe he could have done something to help him. It's more likely that he himself would have only ended up dead sooner, trying to interfere in the Apocalypse, but...

Well. There's little point in dwelling on it. There's nothing he or anyone can actually change, but he can at least apologize to Adam, at least on his own behalf. And he can try to make Adam's time in Wonderland less terrible than it needs to be. That's something he can do, something right, something good. Except he's been failing at even that.]

It doesn't have to be that way...

[The words are quiet, barely there, because he knows that Adam will shoot that very idea down. It's not as though Samandriel's done a great job of trying to convince him otherwise so far...

Adam's next comments, however, draw the angel's head back up sharply, his gaze once more darting up to meet the human's.]

It won't be the same help you got in the pit. I may not have been on top of it very well here, but I do want to help you. Legitimately help. I don't wish to be a handler, I don't want to be controlling of you in any way. [Speaking in earnest now, Samandriel's expression shifts back into one that's practically begging for Adam to believe him, or at the very least, not shrug this all off again.] I can't make up for what happened to you. I know that. But I can at least try to do something to make your time here less miserable. I want to help you. I want... I suppose I want to be your friend.

[That's still a strange word for him, he can't deny. He's never tried to have "friends" before. Allies, siblings, he's had those, but never a friend. However, he's certain that's the correct term for what he's trying to offer Adam: friendship.]

_{[Things wouldn't have had to be this way if everything hadn't gone to shit, that's the point Adam fixates on. A few months in a new world hasn't let Adam shake the feeling, the feeling of loss, and what could have been instead of what is. There's no single person to lay the blame on, except maybe God himself.

He closes his mouth, tensing his jaw as he does. Finding it impossible to look at the angel and his vessel, Adam glances away instead. Samandriel's human body isn't physically imposing in the slightest, but the entity inside is a different story; the thought of trying to push around him now makes his skin tingle, like the feeling one gets before a lightning strike. He's pinned down by the light and power he knows is concealed from view, the proverbial bug under the magnifying glass.

No matter how human Samandriel acts, he's not. Adam can't forget that. Not a friend, not a person, not anything except an angel, that's all.

Though Samandriel says friend, it's a human concept, a human display of loyalty. To be human is to feel. Can an angel even do that? Adam doubts it. His lack of confidence doesn't lend itself to a warm reception.

Given the facts, an angel trying to be buddy-buddy is almost comical. Friend. What the hell does that even mean to a predator at the top of the food chain?]}

And what about him?

_{[After what feels like an eternity, he forces himself to look at Samandriel, gesturing at him with his chin. Not him, per se, but the body he's standing in.]}

Edited 2014-07-07 20:14 (UTC)

[He doesn't understand the question when Adam utters it. It's neither the answer he hoped for, nor is it something that makes sense. ...At least, until Adam finally looks back at him and nods. Then it sinks in. He's referring to the vessel. Little Alfie, whom he'd only meant to possess for a day.]

What about him?

[Uncertainty clear in his voice, Samandriel watches Adam almost cautiously, as though worried that the next word to pass over his lips might scare the human away. Which it very well may. Any of them thus far could have. Then again, it's likely fear that's actually keeping Adam where he is.

That's not something Samandriel likes.]

There's nothing I can do about him. If I were to leave this body, it would be nothing but harmful to most. You must understand that, right? Angels cannot be seen by any human but their vessels without their eyes being burnt from their sockets. [His tone of voice, while grave, is still earnest. He's got the idea that Adam doesn't like the idea of angels using vessels, but he needs him to understand that it's for the best.] He agreed to this, anyway. He was willing. I've done nothing against his will.

[...Except getting tortured. But that's not exactly something he was able to help. And he feels badly enough about it as it is.]

_{["What about him?" the angel says, like it doesn't even occur to him that he's snuffed out a person with equal weight and merit. Or so Adam believes, after the events of the Beautiful Room and the Cage, and having come out the other side of angelic possession.

He frowns stonily until Samandriel tries to appeal to his knowledge of angels... something which, even after all of those things, Adam has little of. Confusion rises, but not quite enough to break his expression.]}

But I saw Michael and I wasn't his vessel.

_{[The words leave him before he can really second-guess how pathetic they sound out loud. He'd been a spare tire. Does that still qualify him to see angels.

Now that he's started personalizing the issue, Adam doesn't see why he should stop now. He frowns harder.]}

I said yes, and I had no idea it would be that bad. There's no way anyone could know. You think making someone agree without them knowing what they're getting into makes it right?

Edited 2014-07-12 06:38 (UTC)

You were still a possible vessel, as you are a son of John Winchester. So yes, you could see Michael.

[If it sounds pathetic at all, Samandriel doesn't hear it that way. He's just explaining things to Adam, matter of fact, emotion has little to do with that. Or, he thinks, anyway.

Adam's frown deepening only shows the angel that he still doesn't understand. That he refuses to accept. It's likely that things will continue this way no matter what he says, and it's probably futile to continue trying to explain, but Samandriel isn't done just yet. He can still defend himself here.]

There are differences between an archangel and a regular angel. You should have been told the cost of being the host of an archangel, I'll admit. But the situation you were in... [He gives his own frown, one that shows he's not happy with the way Zachariah had handled things.] Of course it's not right to have someone agree without knowing the full details. We're supposed to tell our vessels what will happen, and I did.

[His frown softening, Samandriel gives his head a slight shake.]

I also told him that it wouldn't be for long. Unfortunately, things...didn't go according to plan. And that is, admittedly, one of the dangers, but he still accepted. I haven't fooled anyone.

_{[He shakes his head in dismissal. Angels can try to justify the vessel thing as much as they like, it still doesn't change the fact that no person could ever really understand the pain they're in for. If they did, no one would ever agree.

There's no way Adam can tell if Samandriel's being honest or lying about the rest, and ultimately no point in bothering to try. They're just words coming out of an angel's mouth.]}

Let me put it another way. When does he get to have friends? Have his life back?

_{[That is the point he'd been trying to make.]}

[It's a point that doesn't really overrule the ones Samandriel made before. At least, not in an angel's opinion. If someone agrees to become a vessel, they agree to give such things up, at least for the time that they're needed. It's part of the agreement.]

Normally, when we no longer need to deal with humans up close. Once we no longer require a vessel, they are able to go back to their usual lives.

[As he's answering this, however, Samandriel glances away and quite clearly doesn't seem to be speaking about young Alfie in particular. He's not lying, he's just... The truth will give Adam more ammo. Even if it was unintentional and a complete accident.

Considering that Castiel killed him, and he's now dead in their world...Alfie is too. It shouldn't have happened, Crowley never should have been able to capture him, torture him, none of it was supposed to happen. The original plan had been to retrieve the Word of God, then let the boy go and return to Heaven. But... Things don't always work out according to plan.

He'd made a mistake, and he's sure that if Adam finds out, he'll just use it to prove his point, accident or not.]

_{[Samandriel's right. Concealing the truth just cements the facts for Adam: angels hurt people, and all of them have so far avoided owning up to that. There aren't any accidents when something as overwhelmingly powerful and influential as an angel hijacks someone's body. It's not an accident to get someone killed by dragging them into the crossfire where they don't belong. It's Samandriel's fault, and he might as well have just killed his vessel himself.

If Adam knew, it wouldn't change his response to what's been said here and now, including Samandriel's screwy offer of friendship.

Fuck possession, and fuck angels.]}

I find that hard to believe after being on the opposite end. You don't forget that and just go on with life.

_{[His words are firm. He doesn't care what the consequences are, he's not making excuses for this or holding back because angels have delicate sensibilities.]}

And right now, he doesn't even get that much, not with you still riding him around. And yeah, maybe it's safer for everyone else if you don't come out, but that's not your body. All of you just do whatever the hell you want like they are.

_{[He looks Samandriel over with an unveiled antipathy for what he sees there before he lifts his eyes again.]}

We can't be friends. It's not just because I don't trust what you are, it's because he matters. Maybe I can't do anything for him, but I'm not sure not going to be pals with the body-snatcher in the driver's seat. That's a person, do you even get that?

_{[Of course not. That's exactly why Adam wants nothing to do with monsters. They're as bad as the humans they look down on, only thinking about themselves.]}

Edited 2014-07-25 07:11 (UTC)

[It's difficult to find anywhere to cut in while Adam speaks. It's equally as difficult to think of anything to actually say in response. His explanations don't seem to be good enough. Adam wants more where there really isn't anything more than "he agreed to this". He wants things to be the way they're not and can't be, and refuses to settle for what really is.

It's not cruel, in Samandriel's eyes. He doesn't understand why Adam is so upset. He can understand that Adam had been tricked by Zachariah, and knows that he shouldn't have and that Adam didn't deserve to be trapped in the Cage with Michael and Lucifer. But he doesn't understand why Adam has such a problem with angels using vessels. Even if it's being spelled out for him.

Being told flat out that they can't be friends, however, that stings. What makes it worse is that he can't fully understand the why behind it, nor can he do anything about that why to change it.]

Of course I do.

[Brow furrowing, Samandriel shifts his stance slightly, though his eyes don't waver away from Adam.]

I don't know what more to say. I'm sorry. My explanation doesn't appear to be enough for you and I have nothing more to offer.

[And it's starting to feel like this conversation is nearly over. Unfortunately, it didn't go at all the way Samandriel had hoped that it would.]

_{[Adam just pushes his hands eve deeper into his sweater pockets, face set. He doesn't understand how popular opinion could adopt angels as humanity's guardians. The truth is that for sentient beings, they know fuck all about letting people live their lives or why self-determination matters.]}

If you did, you wouldn't have brought "friends" into this.

_{[How could a person and an angel ever be friends when angels seem hardwired to condescend to people? He doesn't get why Sam and Dean keep Castiel around and he probably never will, he just knows he's not about to be the fish who makes nice with the shark and wonders later why the shark ate him. He knows better now. Once bitten, twice shy.

Adam shakes his head. Samandriel might feel like he's been rebuffed, but maybe he hasn't gotten the notice that Adam doesn't want anything to do with his kind.]}

I don't want anything from you--no help, no favors. I'm not asking for special treatment, just to be left alone, by all of you. Being buddies'll get me killed faster than anything else and I'll pass, thanks.

_{[Can't that be enough? Can't the angel take that answer and just let it go? His gaze flicks in the direction of the mansion and his escape route.]}

If we're done, I'm going.

[In truth, Adam's words make Samandriel deflate a little. No, this is not at all the way he wanted this talk to go. He'd expected some effort to get rid of him, of course, but there had been hope that after a little explanation that he had no intentions of hurting him, Adam would understand. Or that at least they would be a bit closer to getting along.

But instead every word is met with resistance. Adam still wants nothing to do with him. No matter what he says or how many explanations he makes. None of it is good enough and evidently, he still disgusts Adam.

It's disappointing. Emotions may not be a strong suit in angels, but he can definitely feel the disappointment with how this whole encounter has gone. It's tempting to keep trying, because he really does want to try to make up for what happened to Adam, to help him and befriend him, but... It's clear right now that that's not the best idea.

Glancing down, then back toward the mansion, then back to Adam, Samandriel gives a very slight nod.]

I won't stop you this time.

[He's already done that once and it hasn't ended well. It's clear that the kindest thing he can do for Adam is to let him out of the conversation and leave. If that's what he wants, Samandriel will give it to him.

But it won't stop him from getting help in the future when he needs it, whether he likes it or not.]

_{[Spoken like a true holier-than-thou jackass. Adam's mouth thins for a brief moment before he turns and starts to walk away.]}

That's big of you.

_{[If by "getting along" Samandriel means "the human in this conversation getting out in one piece," then this has been a successful encounter, all things considered.]}

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time to take a stroll

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