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You want me to what? BE QUIET? | Open

Who: Alistair (

fatherlesskind) and YOU
Where: All around Wonderland
When: February 12th
Rating: PG-13 to be safe
Summary: Without so much as a pillow fight to be seen, Alistair has to amuse himself somehow. In a very regal, solemn manner, naturally.
The Story:

A - The woods

From somewhere within the woods this morning comes the unmistakable rattle and crash of metal and wood meeting with force, punctuated by the occasional wordless shout of exertion.

Should anyone go looking for the source, the sounds will lead them to a decent sized clearing among the trees. There, a towering figure in full medieval plate armour batters away with sword and shield at a training dummy, heedless of how much noise he's making or if there's anyone else around to be bothered by it. Both shield and breastplate bear a heraldic griffon, the symbol of the Grey Wardens for those who might recognise it, and those who don't might well remember the large, cheerful man often seen wandering around Wonderland with a similar sword at his hip.

He's so intent on vanquishing his imaginary foe that should anyone approach him his first response will be to turn on them, weapons raised in anticipation of an attack. He lowers both a moment later with a chagrined look. "Sorry. I was- Sorry."

B - The grounds

There's still snow outside.

There's snow outside and, for the moment, no trouble or monsters or anything. No pressing need to be somewhere else or to avoid notice or to maintain appearances or anything.

So later in the day Alistair can be seen disappearing outside to find himself a secluded corner somewhere.

An hour or so later the assault begins. Anyone walking the grounds outside the mansion may find themselves under attack. A snowball to the face or back accompanied by a gleeful shout from the one responsible. He's far from stealthy, dressed in dark colours that stand out against the backdrop of white and feet crunching through the snow as he attempts to sneak up on his victims with an armful of missiles. But he has a good arm and those snowballs can travel a long way. Stand and fight or make a run for it, either way he's not about to let up.

C - The library

[In an unusual turn-up, Alistair is in the library. Reading a book. (Yes, shut up, he knows how to read. And no, the tiny letters don't strain him, thank you.)

He's curled up in a chair, sword on the ground beside him, utterly engrossed in the book he'd found whilst poking around. The cover depicts a red-haired woman in armour, surrounded by foes and wielding a sword and shield. Rather appropriately as the book itself is titled 'Swords & Shields' by one Varric Tethras.

As he reads a bright red flush crawls up his cheeks and he hunches further and further over the open book as if trying to hide it from view. He's so caught up in it he doesn't even notice if there's anyone else in the library.

Turning a page he pauses, eyes going wide.]

Oh. Wow.

D - Other

[Choose your own prompt. Alistair can be found anywhere around Wonderland poking his nose into things and talking a lot.]

[OOC: Prose or brackets, take your pick and I'll match.]

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( speaking of people that can totally read, thanks, Hook has also found himself in the library on more than one occasion lately. he hasn't been sleeping particularly well, and well, the longer that goes on the more often he's in search of something to occupy his time. wandering around not really going much of anywhere gets dull after awhile, but at least reading seems to distract him for an hour or two.

he doesn't particularly care there's someone else in the library and probably wouldn't even talk to the stranger if it were not for the whisper to no one in particular. Killian is hooking a book out to inspect with his namesake as he glances over, eyebrow quirking as he takes in the blonde blushing over his book. )

You're about as red as a whore in church.

( yes, that's the most refined way he possibly could have said that, obviously. )

[As soon as he speaks Alistair yelps like a dog with his tail caught and slams the book shut, shoving it behind him on the chair and sitting bolt upright. Turning a glare on the man he ~~whines~~ snaps-] Don't you know it's rude to sneak up on people?

[Because that was definitely what he'd done. Rudely snuck up whilst Alistair was distracted. On purpose.]

And I'm not red! Why would I be- I'm not!

[A very convincing argument when he can feel the heat in his face and knows he really must be as red as... what this guy just said. As red as a very red thing.]

And this isn't a church! I'm not doing anything wrong!

[Yes, that doesn't sound like he's guilty at all... But he's not. Guilty. He's not. He was just caught by surprise, that's all.]

( gods above, this one is something else, isn't he? Killian can do little more than stare with a distinctly amused expression as Alistair stows his perfectly innocent novel where it can not be seen and clearly no longer exists. something about the man reminds him a bit of himself, ages ago, when he'd had horrible hair and a cruel tendency to throw perfectly good rum into the ocean.

he's far from the demure leftenant he used to be, though, which means he's going to take every opportunity to make this as uncomfortable for the other, apparently easily flustered, man. )

Yes, everything about you reads perfect innocence and easy nonchalance, mate. ( Hook takes his selection off the shelf before adding, ) You know most read tawdry articles in the privacy of their bunk. Keep your hands where I can see them, now.

[He's going to catch fire. He's just going to burst into flames from sheer embarrassment and that will be the end of him, he knows it. Failing that he'll choke on his own tongue as he splutters helplessly, waving his hands in front of him and shaking his head in desperate denial.]

It's not like that! It's not anything- I wouldn't-

[Alistair cuts himself off with a groan as he realises he's just digging himself deeper.

His hands are both where they can be seen at least, as requested.... Maker, this guy didn't really think he would- In public? Just because he was reading. Reading a perfectly ordinary book. No one would do something like that, even if they were... Looking at other things. That's just wrong.

Finally remembering how to manage a whole sentence again, he points accusingly at the stranger.]

Just why are you sneaking around here anyway?

[Never mind that it's a public space where anyone can go. Sneaking.]

Was I sneaking? I didn't realize.

( you know, because he wasn't doing anything particularly stealthfully or trying to hide his presence in any way. he'd never bothered to try and sneak around a library before, why would he start now?

it was clear that this was not a fellow for jokes and though Hook was the sort to drag it within an inch of his life to make the poor sod as uncomfortable as possible, he was probably better off trying to make good impressions in this place. )

I don't care what you read, mate. Go back to what you were after, don't let me distract you. You did seem so riveted.

( okay so maybe he's not so great at being friendly, because that riveted was definitely given an unnecessary inflection. )

Yes, you were. Sneaking up on people. Like a... a sneak!

[And it wasn't just that he hadn't been paying attention. Not at all. Shut up.

Alistair scowls at the other man, clearly aggrieved by the dig, for all that it's subtle enough he can't really outright accuse the stranger of making fun of him.]

Well good. I don't care if you care or not anyway! And I wasn't that interested. Just passing the time. Nothing better to do here.

[That's telling him. In a very mature and adult way. Still pointing he waves his finger reprovingly at the other man.]

If you didn't want to be distracting why did you even say anything? You could have just minded your own business like a normal person.

[Even if Alistair himself is usually the one to stick his nose into other people's business. It's different this time.]

Worry not, I'll acquire a bell.

( that is definitely sarcasm, but Alistair is not the first to complain he's been skulking around. Hook doesn't suppose he's walking around any differently than he usually does, but apparently he's been slinking around in shadows more often than not.

Hook doesn't have any argument that there's nothing else better to do. clearly. since he's here to read, too. the finger waggling doesn't seem to impress him much, though, maybe because it makes Alistair seem to be a disapproving grandmother. )

How was I meant to know you weren't speaking to me?

( he says it with perfect innocence, even though it was very obvious the hushed whisper wasn't meant to be shared. oh, well; it had been. )

Put it around your neck when you do. Nice and tight. [A pause, then-] I'll help.

[Is he overreacting and letting himself get riled up over nothing? Probably, yes. But he's annoyed now and the other man is just coming off as annoyingly smug so he's hardly going to just let it go.

Even if that might be the wiser course of action as Alistair scowls and steps up his finger waving to waving his arms about in exaggerated frustration. Taking him from disapproving grandmother to somewhere between crazy person and idiot. Back to normal in other words.]

How could you think I was talking to you? I wasn't even looking at you or talking loud enough for anyone who's not an eavesdropping sneak to hear! You just wanted to annoy someone and decided I'd do, admit it!

( yes, for your information Alistair, you are overreacting. Hook doesn't seem particularly amused by the idea of lynching, but to be fair, pirates never are.

and maybe, just maybe, he's easier to annoy these days. (definitely easier, actually.)

he's fought people for lesser things than shouting and wagging fingers in his face, that's for sure. he knows better than to break to his temper but gods above is it tempting. )

You've found me out, mate, that was my dastardly plan indeed. And by that mark you're only playing into my hand, aren't you?

( so go back to whispering about your book and he'll keep to his and that could be the end of it. )

[And to be fair, he's not actually going to try hanging someone for annoying him. He was thinking a collar with a bell on it more than anything... Except that would a actually be kind of weird. Maybe better they pretend he meant the other thing.

And that is... also annoying. Mostly on account of it being true. He is letting himself be annoyed and, presumably, giving the other man exactly what he wanted. Which means the smart thing to do would be to drop the whole thing and leave.]

Ugh. Fine.

[He pulls the book out from behind him again and gets to his feet. Glaring, Alistair glances down at the book in the other man's hands... hand.]

It's not like your taste seems much better.

[Petty, given he has no idea what the story in question is about but who's honestly surprised at this point?]

( Hook has no idea what he's picked out, honestly he just liked the cover because it was red and black. he lifts dark brows as he stares down at it. )

Why, what's wrong with it?

( he's probably not gonna get an answer to that one. that's fine. moving on.

he's not supposed to be taking the piss out of random strangers. there's at least a moderate chance that Emma will hear about this and give him a lecture. that is probably the worst and also most hilarious of reasons for him to try and make amends, but hey, that's better than sending a jeer over his shoulder as Alistair leaves, isn't it? )

All right, I'll leave you and your eclectic taste alone, you've got my word. You just caught my attention, is all.

( that's not exactly a sorry. but it's ... kinda an attempt, maybe? no, not really. )

[No, he's not going to answer that question. Because he can't. He doesn't even know what the stupid book is. He's working with what's at hand and running just a bit short of good materials for insults.

And what follows is not the worse attempt at pretending to be sorry for something Alistair has heard so it's... something. Although not especially helped by him still feeling defensive and embarrassed.

Folding his arms he frowns suspiciously at the other man, wondering if he's actually trying to smooth things over or just wanting a chance to bait him.]

Caught your attention? [Somehow. It's not like he was being obvious or anything... Was he being obvious?] Right. Because people reading in a library is so weird.

[Wasn't he going to be the bigger man here and just walk away, not continue to make a big deal out of nothing? There goes that plan.]

( it might not be any good, it'll be a mystery to both of them for the time being. perhaps after Hook reads it just to be contrary he'll come to the realization Alistair was right and ... still finish it begrudgingly, for the same reason.

hook is trying to mend the fence, and it's been a bloody long time since he tried to make amends for pissing someone off, so it may not be horribly surprising that he's terrible at it. still, he looks skeptical at Alistair's insistence that he wasn't doing anything terribly strange. )

Being scandalized by your book does tend to draw attention. What were you reading that had you so unsettled?

[Well it's a fair thing to be skeptical of. Which does nothing to make him feel better - the opposite really - but if this guy is actually going to try to be civil he's not going to be outdone.]

I wasn't scandalised! [That's not quite the right word but he's not admitting the truth here so time to lie instead.] I was shocked. Disappointed. Thoroughly put-out.

[That sounds much better and still completely plausible. Alistair holds up the book in question, with its sword-bearing warrior maiden on the front.]

The fight scenes are so unrealistic. She does flips. In mail. No one can do that.

[Like, obviously. Everyone knows this basic fact, right? That stuff is heavy.]

Why would anyone think that's a good idea?

( well you know that is very unrealistic. they're agreed there. what a strange thing to write a book about. heroines flipping about in chain mail. he never cared for the stuff but he's worn it enough to know it's hard enough to even walk in it, certainly no aerobatics would be possible.

he's not entirely sure he buys that is what this fellow was reading. it's a painfully long moment as he navigate the right thing to say. )

Nobody, surely. Fiction can be quite bizarrely flourished, you know. And if you don't, take my word for it, because I do.

( go ahead and read his book next, Alistair. then you'll be even. )

[Alistair is just beginning to wonder if he should abandon the attempt and make a break for it like he'd (very briefly) considered. And then, success! It worked, he's off the hook!

But that's a rather strange answer. Why exactly would this guy know so well what stories can be like? Unless-]

Why do you know? Are you a writer?

[It's the first thing he can think of that makes sense. It also makes it sound like if he is, his stories are going to be over the top and ridiculous, which almost makes him curious... But he's so not asking for books by someone who only just stopped being an ass for what was definitely no fault of Alistair's at all. Not happening.]

Gods no. ( authors do not get any points with Hook these days, after one literally rewrote him into a grovelling coward that trembled whenever Blackbeard gave him a stern look. on top of that August was an author. a bunch of out of touch twats, authors. all of them.

nevermind the fact that he's probably dramatic and ridiculous enough to be a hell of an author. he certainly tells a good story, even stories that are only 3% reality and 97% embellishment. but how dare you imply, because no he is not a bloody author, thank you very much. )

If you must know, some horrible sod wrote about me, and he did so very poorly. Went on about my eyes being the color of flowers and... it was ridiculous.

( see, authors are the worst. and you are literally off the hook with Hook. nice job, Allistair, good call getting him off on an tangent about authors. )

...Flowers?

[He's not going to- OK, he is going to lean forward and squint at the man's eyes, trying to see how they could be compared to flowers. They seem like pretty normal eyes to him, not the sort of thing to wax poetic about. Besides, that's the sort of thing you say about women, not men.

Straightening up again Alistair smirks in amusement and quirks an eyebrow at the stranger with the... hm, cornflour blue maybe, eyes.]

Heh. Was it a romance then? A touching love story about a, a soft-hearted soldier and his lady?

[He's also successfully managed to distract himself. It's a good way to forget any lingering embarrassment and, if he's lucky, get some payback.]

So what was this book called?'

[Definitely not asking so he can track it down. Nope.]

( cornflower blue is no better than forget-me-not blue, really. anything to do with flowers really has no business in a sentence about his eye color. Killian will take that assertion to his grave. Hook takes the opportunity to roll his eyes as Alistair tries to check how blue they indeed are. )

No, worse than that.

( a children's book about Peter Pan is even more scornful than a bodice-ripping romance, as far as Hook is concerned. at least some people enjoy the latter. nobody in their right mind would ever enjoy the former. )

I'm sure you'd like to know for purely innocent reasons, don't you? Find it yourself then, mate, consider it an adventure.

( aka I'm not telling. at least it wasn't as easy as knowing his name or even his title. the book was based on Peter, for unfathomable reasons. )

[Worse than a sappy romance? What could be worse than that? A boring, serious book wouldn't compare anyone's eyes to flowers and that's about the only thing he can think of at the moment that would be worse.]

Of course it's innocent! [He does his best to back his claim up by looking wide-eyed and virtuous but it's a bit of a lost cause, given how obvious he's being.] You say that it's worse than a sappy love story but I find it hard to believe anything could be worse without seeing for myself. That's the only reason.

[No, he's never falling for that. Making a face Alistair tries a different tact.]

Fine, it doesn't matter. Since we're being friends now- [Haha.] Do I get to know your name?

[And hopefully it's not something common that could be in any number of stories.]

You have someone write a book about you and then get every inch of the story wrong. See how it compares to romance novels then, at least somebody enjoys the latter.

( he doesn't actually have anything against romantic novels, though he's never been one to partake himself. there's something so demeaning about the book he's supposedly from, though, insulting on nearly every facet of his past and his character, he'd read a hundred romances before he touched Peter Pan again.

sadly he knows what Alistair is up to with the inquiry of his name, and it wouldn't help him that much, either. the book is named after the demon, after all, not him. still since his integrity is now on the line, it can't be a shock that he uses his actual name and not his moniker, all things considered. )

Killian Jones. ( he lifts eyebrows expectantly, apparently thinking that a name should bring a name. )

How wrong are we talking? Has anyone ever told you you should be a woman? Or a different person entirely?

[Because he's seen both happen. And while it's not because of a book no one needs to know that. Not when he's arguing for the sake of arguing.

And look, he got a name! And it's not really a common name so he should be able to find this terribly offensive book and see how bad it is and how much he can annoy its subject with it. There can't be too many books about a man with a hook for a hand named Killian... Now he just needs to figure out how to find the book in question, without a title or author. Maybe he can dig up some more clues if they keep talking?]

Alistair. From Ferelden.

[He's not expecting Killian to have heard of Ferelden. It seems like no one from outside of Thedas has. But if he knows where the other man is from that might help his quest too.]

The last one, really. Being a woman isn't an insult.

( he would be a great and also a very attractive lady, if it came down to that. no, that would be fine, being a cowardly fool fleeing from the Crocodile and shrieking a trite vendetta against Pan was the problem. it was so superficial and disregarded so much of what had happened, it was incredibly insulting.

the biggest hint is the hook, considering Captain Hook was apparently known as James instead of Killian in the book. again, where had that come from? how could the story be so bloody wrong? )

Alistair, then. ( it's not entirely willful exclusion that Killian doesn't offer where he's from on top of it. he's so old and it's been so long, he doesn't exactly remember the land he was born in. ) Now I did come in here to read, believe it or not, so don't let my presence continue to distract you.

[Well. That's fair. It would be weird to be expected to be a woman but no, not a bad thing. The other bit seems like it would be though. Even if the other you was better somehow that would still be kind of insulting. Thankfully it hasn't happened to Alistair himself yet, only people he knows. Which should maybe make him feel a bit of sympathy except they're talking about a book, not people turning up expecting Killian to be someone else entirely.]

That's not unique to you. Plenty of people have had that happen.

[They're probably just as unhappy about it as Killian is but, again, not the point.

And he's not getting a place of origin, is he? Fine. He'll do without. Somehow. How many different places besides Thedas can there really be?

Pulling a face at the dismissal Alistair nevertheless turns to leave, book tucked under his arm, muttering just loud enough to be heard-] You're the one who got distracted.

[He likes to get the last word. And the other man had spoken to him first so he's also in the right!]

( well at least he doesn't have to worry about a better version of himself. the fictionalized version of his life is incredibly wrong and far from superior. he was a fool with a vendetta against a sociopathic child scared of the sound of clocks and an actual crocodile. just skin the thing and be done with it, honestly. he lifts his eyebrows at the assertion he's not the only one it's happened to. he knows that, to a point — pretty much everyone in his world suffers from the story being retold incorrectly. that it's a commonality here in Wonderland is news to him, though.

still, however curious, he doesn't bite. if he wants to know more later, haha Alistair, he knows your name and can probably find you now. sucks to be you. as it is, he just waves a dismissive hand at the reminder he was the one that got distracted, but you could also call it a wave goodbye if you thought Hook had manners. Alistair probably knows better. )

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You want me to what? BE QUIET? | Open

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cornFLOWER geez

don't worry he's just as offended either way

well good, mission accomplished

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