open } i've been better with the things i've said when i took the lead instead of being led

[krmvgivv]

Who: Dipper Pines and anyone who likes lurking in caves like a creeper
Where: the caves
When: 4/4 shortly after the event
Rating: PG-13ish probably
Summary: Dipper has been here for a year. He is not taking it extremely well.
The Story:

When Dipper wakes up with his emotions back on, he has to shut his eyes and swallow hard to keep them all from overwhelming him. He doesn't want to cry. He doesn't want Mabel to see him cry because while he knows she'd understand, he doesn't want her to have to carry that weight.

It's been a year.

It had been so easy not to care. The event had been so well timed, he'd barely had a flicker of panic before he shut his emotions off entirely and suddenly it didn't matter so much. But now no matter how hard he tries, the emotions are still there, threatening to overwhelm him. A year. And he's no closer to solving the mysteries of Wonderland than he was when he started. A year and three months since he's seen his parents, whose names he can't even remember thanks to this place.

It takes him a moment, but once he has himself under control again he wipes his face on his pillow and sits up, muttering some excuse to Mabel as he walks out of the room. He makes his way to the caves as fast as he can. It's where he always goes to be alone with his thoughts, and right now... he really wants to be alone with his thoughts. He finds a rock and sits down, pulling out a notebook. He turns on his flashlight and flips to the first page.

July April 1, 2012(?)

I've found myself in a strange world that I don't think even the author's visited. Or if he has, he didn't write about it in his journal. That means it's up to me to record everything I see and chronicle the mysteries of this place! Everyone says we're stuck here forever, but also that people go home sometimes, so I'm not worrying too much.

From what I've gathered, this place is Wonderland, like in the book. It's a pocket dimension, and time works differently out in the real world, so it's unclear if anyone will even notice I'm gone. More summer vacation for me, right?

I have a lot more reading to do. Evelyn, the librarian, has so many notes! But, of course, I'll be transcribing some of my own in here. This place might be even weirder than Gravity Falls!

More summer vacation. Dipper even misses going to school now. He shuts the book and throws it against the wall of the cave, curling his arms around his legs and leaning his head on his knees. He was supposed to have found a way out by now. He was supposed to be nearing 14, not still stuck at 12. He wasn't supposed to have died twice and somehow befriended a psycho killer who might make it three times any day now. It wasn't supposed to be this hard.

"Get it together, Dipper," he mutters to himself, squeezing his eyes tightly. "You can't hide in here all day." And it's not all bad here! He's got all his family, and the mysteries of this place still fascinate him, and there are friends he'd never have met if he hadn't shown up here. Non-psycho killer friends.

Tomorrow, he knows all those things will matter and he'll be able to face live again. Keep on going. Keep on being totally capable of handling this. Like a mature teen, not some little kid. But he's been fighting it and fighting it and just for today, he can't keep control anymore.

Maybe he'll just stay here for a little longer.

Comments

[slapfight]

I didn't expect anything. This... cat wouldn't leave me alone, so it's going to be my research assistant and like it or else.

[because Peridot is fully capable of defeating this kitten. she isn't. she's tried. it's sneaky.]

[krmvgivv]

"Huh." That's... really hard for him to understand. "So like... is one of you in charge? How does it work? Would you and Peridot demonstrate so I can see?"

For science.

[brainmeme]

Amethyst is about to answer when Dipper continues and she sputters. Even though she and Peridot agreed to try it out someday, the thought of actually doing it is another story. Besides, she doesn't want to force Peridot to do it before she's ready.

"Uh-- I mean-- We can't just-- It's, we can't do it unless we absolutely gotta! It's... not a toy, Dipper!"

Yeah, pretending to suddenly care about responsibility and everything is harder than it looks. We can't all be Pearl.

[saved]

Peter lifts his head up from the pages at that since it's kind of huge. He rests his hands against his knees as he glances over at Dipper's face. "You turned off your emotions?"

[krmvgivv]

I don't think they have the cognitive ability to be research assistants. But uh... [He pulls a piece of string from inside his jacket pocket and holds it out to Peridot.]

Try dangling this in front of him.

[krmvgivv]

"Hey, it was an event. The options were bad and badder." Dipper shrugs a shoulder. He doesn't really want to admit that a big part of him wishes it were that easy to stop feeling bad all the time.

[krmvgivv]

"Uh, yeah. I mean, I was only a few weeks from thirteen back home anyway. I know growth spurts can be fast, but I wasn't expecting too much."

Not that he ever particularly liked being treated his age. But he knows it'll be that much worse when he's rounding on fourteen instead of 13. He didn't really think he'd have a growth spurt before 13, but before 14? He had hopes. Maybe by next summer, he'd be taller. Maybe his voice would finish changing instead of just cracking all the time. Maybe he'd sweat less.

Or maybe he'd be the exact same. If he stays in Wonderland, he knows which option is most likely.

[krmvgivv]

"Oh, come on, won't it work better if you practice a little before you actually have to do it?"

That's been Dipper's logic with a lot of stuff he probably should save for emergencies. He might have gotten in trouble for spraying the cat with the fire extinguisher that one time, but if he ever actually needs to put a fire out, he's prepared.

[needlebearer]

"I don't see your name on it," Arya replies petulantly. "You'll just have to come and take it." She realises that sounds like an invitation to fight and she doesn't care.

[fulllifeconsequences]

Of course. Ask an obvious question, get an obvious answer. Not like they really know the first thing about what puberty would even feel like, but it's not as though a single year could make that much difference, right?

"If you want to look older, you could try makeup, maybe." They suggest offhandedly, put their smile on, lean back against the cold rock and stare at a bunch of dark nothing-at-all. "It doesn't have to be a girl thing," they add, because he was pretty new to the idea of referring to people as anything other than he/she when they first met, after all. "Like a stage actor. Put shadows in the right places, and people will buy you're old enough to be out on your own. Especially if they don't look too closely."

[slapfight]

[she studies him cautiously and then yanks the string out of his hand.] Claude, fall in.

[she points to her feet. the cat tilts his head at her and then pads over curiously. pleased at his obedience, she shoots Dipper a smug look and dangles the string.] Now. Examine this.

[he bats at it. repeatedly.] ...Hhuh. [she tries pulling it away and he gets up on his tiny legs and tries to grab it back, mewling away. she puts it close to his face and he tries to get his paws on it until he overcorrects and falls back on his little furry back.

that gets a laugh out of her.] It's just a string, you clod. It has no value at all. [and yet to him, it seems to be gold, as he lunges at it again and she pulls it away.] Nonono, you can't have it.

[a pause and then a wry grin.] Okay, you can. [she dangles it back again, laughing in spite of herself.]

[brainmeme]

"I have plenty of practice fusing!" And maybe Peridot has none, but it's on her to defend herself there. Amethyst may just conveniently not mention that for her. "I do it like all the time with Pearl!"

[vampdetective]

He nods his understanding. It's a need he's felt in the past, too, the urge to escape somewhere he could feel completely alone, apart from the other residents as well as far from where any Mirror might be able to spot him.

"Really feeling the need to be alone?" he asks, tentative. Dipper could tell him as much or as little as he wanted, but: "I wanted to check in with you after the event. Seemed like it was pretty hard on everyone in one way or another."

[saved]

"Yeah, but you must have felt really terrible to turn it off." He shakes his head a bit, shifting on his feet as he looks at Dipper with quiet concern. There's a reason he's out here in a cave far from where anyone would look to find him or stumble on him, reading his journal. "I mean, what was it like?"

[krmvgivv]

"But Pearl's not here." A beat. "I mean... right? I don't... know who Pearl is."

[krmvgivv]

"It wasn't that bad. Compared to some of the other ones." Mostly because he had his emotions off the whole time. It's just the rush of all the emotions he was trying to push down catching up to him that really hurts.

[krmvgivv]

Dipper raises an eyebrow at the suggestion. He thinks Chara is actually trying to help, which is... nice of them. There are many reasons Dipper doesn't want to try make-up, and the girl thing is one of them. The fact that he hates spending more time on his appearance than the time it takes to shove a hat over his messy hair is another one. Spending hours putting on make-up to look older seems like a waste of time he could spend doing anything else.

Besides, he's pretty sure his face isn't the main reason people treat him like a kid.

"It won't make me taller." And it won't make his voice lose its adolescent edge. Without those, he'll just look like a little kid wearing age make-up.

[krmvgivv]

[Dipper smirks, crossing his arms.] And that's how it's done. [A beat.] Uh, do you know what they eat? Does the term "litter box" mean anything to you? Because you might need a few more cat lessons before you're ready to keep one.

[krmvgivv]

"I'm thirteen. I don't need Wonderland's help to get mood-swingy." And he'll get to stay that way forever. Joy. He shrugs again. "It wasn't like anything. I just... didn't feel things. I still knew how stuff should make me feel. i just didn't care."

[fulllifeconsequences]

Their smile doesn't budge.

"Okay, makeup and very tiny stilts. You can stand on paint cans. Nobody will notice."

Yeah, now they're just cracking jokes. They laugh, shoot him a quick sideways look, then glance away again.

"It's actually... not that hard, to be honest. To fake it, I mean. Just... talk big. Act like you know more than they do. Businesslike vocabulary and bravado are all adults really have, so if you've got it too, they'll get intimidated. Then they won't think you're a kid, no matter how short you are."

[slapfight]

[she looks up from where she's entertaining herself with the cat, blinking.] I thought they were just accessories for the distinguished.

[peridot no]

[saved]

"No. But Wonderland took it to a whole other level even for teenagers like us," Peter says since he really does get that the mood swings and hormones of a teenager suck. "So like much less exhausting than having to care too much, huh?"

When Dipper puts it that way, he can see why someone might pick it if they were just tired from feeling too much, caring too much all the time.

[brainmeme]

"Uh, yeah, she's not." Though if the stars are to be believed, she was once. Amethyst needs to not get distracted by her feelings on that, though, so she shakes her head and gets back on topic.

"That's not the point. The point is... uh... we don't need practice. We'll do it if the time comes and we need to." Or if Peridot particularly wants to at some point, but mentioning that possibility means letting on Peridot's inexperience. Which Amethyst is gracious enough to avoid doing. "You can take pictures or whatever it is you want to do then."

[krmvgivv]

[Oh my god. Poor Claude.]

Nope. They're living, breathing, pooping creatures.

[krmvgivv]

"Yeah, I guess. I felt like I could actually think clearly." He could finally hear his thoughts over all his feelings. He likes to think of himself as motivated more by his brain than his heart, but it took turning off his heart to see all the ways that wasn't true.