open } i've been better with the things i've said when i took the lead instead of being led

[krmvgivv]

Who: Dipper Pines and anyone who likes lurking in caves like a creeper
Where: the caves
When: 4/4 shortly after the event
Rating: PG-13ish probably
Summary: Dipper has been here for a year. He is not taking it extremely well.
The Story:

When Dipper wakes up with his emotions back on, he has to shut his eyes and swallow hard to keep them all from overwhelming him. He doesn't want to cry. He doesn't want Mabel to see him cry because while he knows she'd understand, he doesn't want her to have to carry that weight.

It's been a year.

It had been so easy not to care. The event had been so well timed, he'd barely had a flicker of panic before he shut his emotions off entirely and suddenly it didn't matter so much. But now no matter how hard he tries, the emotions are still there, threatening to overwhelm him. A year. And he's no closer to solving the mysteries of Wonderland than he was when he started. A year and three months since he's seen his parents, whose names he can't even remember thanks to this place.

It takes him a moment, but once he has himself under control again he wipes his face on his pillow and sits up, muttering some excuse to Mabel as he walks out of the room. He makes his way to the caves as fast as he can. It's where he always goes to be alone with his thoughts, and right now... he really wants to be alone with his thoughts. He finds a rock and sits down, pulling out a notebook. He turns on his flashlight and flips to the first page.

July April 1, 2012(?)

I've found myself in a strange world that I don't think even the author's visited. Or if he has, he didn't write about it in his journal. That means it's up to me to record everything I see and chronicle the mysteries of this place! Everyone says we're stuck here forever, but also that people go home sometimes, so I'm not worrying too much.

From what I've gathered, this place is Wonderland, like in the book. It's a pocket dimension, and time works differently out in the real world, so it's unclear if anyone will even notice I'm gone. More summer vacation for me, right?

I have a lot more reading to do. Evelyn, the librarian, has so many notes! But, of course, I'll be transcribing some of my own in here. This place might be even weirder than Gravity Falls!

More summer vacation. Dipper even misses going to school now. He shuts the book and throws it against the wall of the cave, curling his arms around his legs and leaning his head on his knees. He was supposed to have found a way out by now. He was supposed to be nearing 14, not still stuck at 12. He wasn't supposed to have died twice and somehow befriended a psycho killer who might make it three times any day now. It wasn't supposed to be this hard.

"Get it together, Dipper," he mutters to himself, squeezing his eyes tightly. "You can't hide in here all day." And it's not all bad here! He's got all his family, and the mysteries of this place still fascinate him, and there are friends he'd never have met if he hadn't shown up here. Non-psycho killer friends.

Tomorrow, he knows all those things will matter and he'll be able to face live again. Keep on going. Keep on being totally capable of handling this. Like a mature teen, not some little kid. But he's been fighting it and fighting it and just for today, he can't keep control anymore.

Maybe he'll just stay here for a little longer.

Comments

[krmvgivv]

"Yeah, I do. You don't get it. Everyone's counting on me." By everyone, he mostly just means Mabel. Maybe Soos. Everyone else is less counting on him and more thinking of him as just a kid which amounts to the same thing: pressure to achieve the impossible. "Normally I'm the guy with the answers. I come up with plans, and I... figure things out. And I can't just... give up."

But it's so hard and he's so tired of dead ends.

[krmvgivv]

Dipper supposes he should probably worry that he finds himself agreeing with Chara, but right now it's hard to care. Someone actually understands him. Even if that someone's favorite hobby is murder.

"It's only gonna get worse the longer I'm here. I'll be turning 14 in a few months."

[slapfight]

You mean because this cat is a lifeform that is absolutely required to give you attention? [hhuh...] Yes, I suppose I can see how that would be a symbiotic relationship. You take care of it and it, in turn, rewards your efforts with much needed validation of your worth.

[vampdetective]

Angel grimaces faintly, turning his attention ahead of him once more, focusing on the wall in front of them rather than Dipper himself.

"Seems like that hit a little close to home."

[littledhampir]

"I consider this less hanging around and more... getting lost in one." Because apparently that makes a difference.

"Interesting...." Dipper, you're a confusing creature to the likes of Rose. "You ever think about letting loose for once? Cause between noting the differences and the research? It all sounds like you're in school."

[saved]

"I'm not... counting on you," Peter says quietly as his hands fold together in front of him. He doesn't count on him to find the solution, and he doesn't think of him as just a kid either. He's a really smart, talented, brave person that's trying really hard to find answers in an overwhelmingly difficult situation. "It's not giving up to take a break though, Dipper. You can't look at it that way. You can let it out with someone. You've got to. There's so much pressure on yourself, and you're bound to explode."

And he doesn't want that for him. Peter cares about him so he doesn't want that to be the end result. He doesn't want him to be so tired.

[needlebearer]

Arya shrugs. "Most boys would just lie and tell everyone they won anyway. There's no one watching to prove otherwise." She pokes at a loose bit of rock, prying it free and wondering how much she'd have to take out to make the whole cave fall down on top of them.

[krmvgivv]

Dipper lets out a dark scoff. "You're a girl from a medieval style princess world that likes wearing pants and trying to provoke innocent bystanders into fights. Are you really gonna go around assuming that all boys follow boy stereotypes?"

She probably doesn't know half the words Dipper's using, but he honestly doesn't care right now. He thinks his point is clear anyway. He scowls, leaning on his knees. "I'm more of the scholarly type. I'll fight when I have to, and a lot of stuff's tried to kill me over the past year and a half, so I've had to a lot, but my brain serves me better than my fists."

[krmvgivv]

...sure. [He will never let Peridot and Mabel talk cats. She probably would not approve of Peridot's attitude. But she's not... wrong.]

Also it's fuzzy and cute. Some people like that in a lifeform.

[krmvgivv]

That just gets Dipper to scowl, wrapping his arms around his legs again. "I let loose plenty. Have you met my sister?" It doesn't really occur to him that she might not have met his sister. Everyone knows Mabel. "I just like doing this stuff. And someone's gotta figure out a way out of here."

[krmvgivv]

Dipper shakes his head again, still looking down at the ground. "They're counting on me to keep it together, I mean." Not to do exactly what he's doing now. "No one... actually thinks I'll figure out how to get out." And he can't even really blame them. No one else has. Why would he be the exception?

[krmvgivv]

"Well, it's simple logic. Of course going from none to having emotions would be a lot. Like a dam breaking." Logic is independent of emotion and therefore safe.

[littledhampir]

"The scrapbooker?" He's not wrong on everyone knowing Mabel at least. "Not really sure what she has to do with letting loose, though."

Her head cocks to the side, Rose folding her arms over her chest. Considering him a moment. "And you think that's your job?" Sounding more like a challenge than a judgment.

[slapfight]

Don't call him cute. It's demeaning. [yes project onto the cat a little why don't you peridot, but at least she's becoming defensive of her kitten's pride, rather than assuming he's her servant.

she holds the cat up to her face.] You're not cute at all. You're an extremely lethal force of nature. Your size and pleasing appearance are merely to keep all who challenge you from understanding your true power.

[claude yawns. yeah sure peridot. whatevs.]

[krmvgivv]

"...uh, yeah. She scrapbooks. She also mini-golfs, water balloons, knits, makes pillow forts, and throws things at me if I don't go outside enough."

Mabel has an insane amount of energy. Dipper knows her better than anyone and still doesn't understand it.

"Yeah, I guess." Maybe not job, but certainly calling. He has to try. He can never leave a mystery alone. "I'm good at this stuff."

[krmvgivv]

[Dipper tries very hard not to laugh.]

All right then, he's doing a very good job hiding his lethal nature. My bad.

[slapfight]

[she realizes that here is normally where... gratitude is shown, but that's so hard, so she struggles for a moment with it.]

Th... thank you. [she clears her throat.] For the information.

[he filled gaps in her knowledge. there's nothing more to it than that.]

[saved]

"I'm not counting on you for that either, Dipper. If you keep trying to force yourself to hold together, you're going to crumble. You have to have a space where you don't have to have it all together," Peter says quickly as he turns to him then so he can know. It's okay. It's safe. He gets letting that out all out alone, but it's not- it's not the same as having someone there to hear and to accept it.

[needlebearer]

"So that's why you're sat in a cave in the dark feeling sorry for yourself, instead of punching out your problems." Arya nods knowingly.

[krmvgivv]

Dipper rolls his eyes. "My problems can't be punched, believe it or not. And anyway, I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm studying my notes somewhere free from distraction."

...and feeling sorry for himself.

"Besides, you're down here too."

[krmvgivv]

"But what if I can't get back together?" His voice wavers, and he wraps his arms around himself a little tighter. Despite his fears, it seems inevitable now.

[krmvgivv]

No problem. [Dipper gives a half smile.] If you have more cat questions, you can let me know.

[needlebearer]

Touché. Arya clenches her teeth, hating her own hypocrisy being pointed out, and hating even more that she doesn't have a good comeback. "I'm down here because it's the one place that feels like it's actually natural rather than the stupid frills of that stupid mansion."

[saved]

Peter leans forward then, resting a hand on Dipper's shoulder to give him some kind of support. He frowns in concern even as he shakes his head. "Hey, I'll help you. I promise." He'll help him get back together. "But right now, you don't have to worry about that. Just let it go."

Finally. Let it go. All the weight and responsibility weighing on his shoulders, he needs to.

[krmvgivv]

Dipper huffs out a breath. It's shakier than he wants it to be. He's shakier than he wants to be. He's trying to let it go like Peter says and hold it together all at the same time because he doesn't know how to let go. It's supposed to be easy, right? Just let himself feel all the emotions he tries not to feel, let himself think all the things about how severely screwed up things are.

He doesn't really know Peter that well. He has a lot of closer friends. Mabel, obviously. Soos. Wirt. But he can't break down on any of them. Mabel's the only one who has any real clue, and if she saw how completely he was losing it, she'd lose it too. Maybe it's because he doesn't know Peter that well yet. He never had time to build up all the walls he usually keeps up--

And there he goes, trying to think of anything but what's really wrong. And so much is really wrong. It feels like a vast pit welling up inside him that'll swallow him up and how can he let go how can he let the pit win?

He slumps against Peter and squeezes his eyes shut. Crying is another one of the things on the long list of things he doesn't want to do, but he can feel the tears starting to leak out anyway.