open } i've been better with the things i've said when i took the lead instead of being led

[krmvgivv]

Who: Dipper Pines and anyone who likes lurking in caves like a creeper
Where: the caves
When: 4/4 shortly after the event
Rating: PG-13ish probably
Summary: Dipper has been here for a year. He is not taking it extremely well.
The Story:

When Dipper wakes up with his emotions back on, he has to shut his eyes and swallow hard to keep them all from overwhelming him. He doesn't want to cry. He doesn't want Mabel to see him cry because while he knows she'd understand, he doesn't want her to have to carry that weight.

It's been a year.

It had been so easy not to care. The event had been so well timed, he'd barely had a flicker of panic before he shut his emotions off entirely and suddenly it didn't matter so much. But now no matter how hard he tries, the emotions are still there, threatening to overwhelm him. A year. And he's no closer to solving the mysteries of Wonderland than he was when he started. A year and three months since he's seen his parents, whose names he can't even remember thanks to this place.

It takes him a moment, but once he has himself under control again he wipes his face on his pillow and sits up, muttering some excuse to Mabel as he walks out of the room. He makes his way to the caves as fast as he can. It's where he always goes to be alone with his thoughts, and right now... he really wants to be alone with his thoughts. He finds a rock and sits down, pulling out a notebook. He turns on his flashlight and flips to the first page.

July April 1, 2012(?)

I've found myself in a strange world that I don't think even the author's visited. Or if he has, he didn't write about it in his journal. That means it's up to me to record everything I see and chronicle the mysteries of this place! Everyone says we're stuck here forever, but also that people go home sometimes, so I'm not worrying too much.

From what I've gathered, this place is Wonderland, like in the book. It's a pocket dimension, and time works differently out in the real world, so it's unclear if anyone will even notice I'm gone. More summer vacation for me, right?

I have a lot more reading to do. Evelyn, the librarian, has so many notes! But, of course, I'll be transcribing some of my own in here. This place might be even weirder than Gravity Falls!

More summer vacation. Dipper even misses going to school now. He shuts the book and throws it against the wall of the cave, curling his arms around his legs and leaning his head on his knees. He was supposed to have found a way out by now. He was supposed to be nearing 14, not still stuck at 12. He wasn't supposed to have died twice and somehow befriended a psycho killer who might make it three times any day now. It wasn't supposed to be this hard.

"Get it together, Dipper," he mutters to himself, squeezing his eyes tightly. "You can't hide in here all day." And it's not all bad here! He's got all his family, and the mysteries of this place still fascinate him, and there are friends he'd never have met if he hadn't shown up here. Non-psycho killer friends.

Tomorrow, he knows all those things will matter and he'll be able to face live again. Keep on going. Keep on being totally capable of handling this. Like a mature teen, not some little kid. But he's been fighting it and fighting it and just for today, he can't keep control anymore.

Maybe he'll just stay here for a little longer.

Comments

[saved]

Peter lifts an eyebrow at him as he shoves his hands into his pockets. "You don't have to deal with it alone though. This is- It's more like hiding." It's not even said with any accusation to it. It's more of a gentle pointing it out as he settles on the rock.

[krmvgivv]

"Yeah, I do. You don't get it. Everyone's counting on me." By everyone, he mostly just means Mabel. Maybe Soos. Everyone else is less counting on him and more thinking of him as just a kid which amounts to the same thing: pressure to achieve the impossible. "Normally I'm the guy with the answers. I come up with plans, and I... figure things out. And I can't just... give up."

But it's so hard and he's so tired of dead ends.

[saved]

"I'm not... counting on you," Peter says quietly as his hands fold together in front of him. He doesn't count on him to find the solution, and he doesn't think of him as just a kid either. He's a really smart, talented, brave person that's trying really hard to find answers in an overwhelmingly difficult situation. "It's not giving up to take a break though, Dipper. You can't look at it that way. You can let it out with someone. You've got to. There's so much pressure on yourself, and you're bound to explode."

And he doesn't want that for him. Peter cares about him so he doesn't want that to be the end result. He doesn't want him to be so tired.

[krmvgivv]

Dipper shakes his head again, still looking down at the ground. "They're counting on me to keep it together, I mean." Not to do exactly what he's doing now. "No one... actually thinks I'll figure out how to get out." And he can't even really blame them. No one else has. Why would he be the exception?

[saved]

"I'm not counting on you for that either, Dipper. If you keep trying to force yourself to hold together, you're going to crumble. You have to have a space where you don't have to have it all together," Peter says quickly as he turns to him then so he can know. It's okay. It's safe. He gets letting that out all out alone, but it's not- it's not the same as having someone there to hear and to accept it.

[krmvgivv]

"But what if I can't get back together?" His voice wavers, and he wraps his arms around himself a little tighter. Despite his fears, it seems inevitable now.

[saved]

Peter leans forward then, resting a hand on Dipper's shoulder to give him some kind of support. He frowns in concern even as he shakes his head. "Hey, I'll help you. I promise." He'll help him get back together. "But right now, you don't have to worry about that. Just let it go."

Finally. Let it go. All the weight and responsibility weighing on his shoulders, he needs to.

[krmvgivv]

Dipper huffs out a breath. It's shakier than he wants it to be. He's shakier than he wants to be. He's trying to let it go like Peter says and hold it together all at the same time because he doesn't know how to let go. It's supposed to be easy, right? Just let himself feel all the emotions he tries not to feel, let himself think all the things about how severely screwed up things are.

He doesn't really know Peter that well. He has a lot of closer friends. Mabel, obviously. Soos. Wirt. But he can't break down on any of them. Mabel's the only one who has any real clue, and if she saw how completely he was losing it, she'd lose it too. Maybe it's because he doesn't know Peter that well yet. He never had time to build up all the walls he usually keeps up--

And there he goes, trying to think of anything but what's really wrong. And so much is really wrong. It feels like a vast pit welling up inside him that'll swallow him up and how can he let go how can he let the pit win?

He slumps against Peter and squeezes his eyes shut. Crying is another one of the things on the long list of things he doesn't want to do, but he can feel the tears starting to leak out anyway.

oh no i wasn't prepared :'(

[saved]

It's not easy for people who are used to keeping it all bottled in. Peter always liked the feeling of control it gave him whenever the whole world went to hell. After his parents died, he could shut down and pull away, and it'd make it like he could control it all. It felt that way at least, but it wasn't true, and it only ends up building over time. It stacks on top of itself over and over again.

From what little Peter does know of Dipper's world, it goes to hell in a hand basket (as his Aunt May might say) more often than any other world he's ever heard of (except maybe Wonderland itself). If he puts this much pressure on himself both there and here, it's going to build and build and build without anywhere for it to go. No wonder he's hiding out here in a cave. Peter relates so intensely to that need to hide away when it feels like the entirety of that pressure is about to crash down and then still hunching up in a corner, unable to let it out around anyone else.

Peter doesn't move at all, and he doesn't speak when Dipper slumps against him. There's a well of helpless concern and ache exploding up through him (and relief too because it's clear Dipper needs to be able to breakdown in some way with someone), but he can tell that Dipper doesn't want to let it all go or breakdown or cry, and he doesn't want to make that worse by saying something that might jar him out of it now that he's finally reached that point. His hand rests against his shoulder, squeezing gently once Dipper slumps over.

It's Peter's way of saying it's okay and you're not alone here without actually saying any words at all. Just letting him feel this right now.

THERE IS NO PREPARING

[krmvgivv]

Dipper just slumps against Peter for a while, shoulders shaking as he sobs quietly. It feels good and awful all at once. He feels like a little kid, and for once, that doesn't bug him. It feels good to let someone else carry some of that weight for once.

When he finally sits up again, he tries not to notice that he's left wet spots on Peter's shirt. He wipes at his eyes.

"I think it wouldn't be as bad if I could get older here. In a few months we're gonna be 14, and no one's ever gonna believe us."

there really wasn't :'(

[saved]

Peter remains with him in the quiet, resting a hand on his arm as Dipper sobs quietly. It hurts to think of all he must have been bottling up for it to come out like this, and even now, he keeps it quiet even when he doesn't have to. He doesn't say anything about the wet spots either, leaving it for the both of them to act like it never happened. They're just two people hanging out in a cave together.

"Yeah, the whole not-physically getting older thing while your brain continues to mature and know a whole bunch is- It would be hard. You spend half your time trying to convince people you're old enough to know."

There's a pause then as he tilts his head. "Not that age ever has anything to do with that, with having it all figured out. I've met some adults who... were pretty clueless." Peter can be pretty clueless about some stuff too. It's not easy figuring all that out at any age, but it's a special kind of difficult when most of the world doesn't take you seriously because you look young even though you're not that young.

[krmvgivv]

"I've just been waiting so long to be a teenager so people would start taking me seriously." He wipes his eyes with the back of his hands, pulling his legs up in front of him. "And I am one but at the same time I'm a few stupid weeks away from thirteen at home and it'll never really count as long as I'm here."

[saved]

"This is not gonna help, but I'm seventeen and plenty of people never took me seriously even with a giant lizard man on the loose. I think people just- I don't know," Peter shrugs before he shakes his head loosely, glancing over at him. "I take you seriously. Sometimes you just gotta find the people who actually listen, y'know? Try to avoid the rest. It's shitty no matter what though."

It really is, and he can't imagine being in Dipper's shoes even if- even if maybe he will be if he stays here long enough.

[krmvgivv]

"But... sometimes that's not enough. Look," he looks up at Peter. "There's some really bad stuff in my world. Stuff that makes the events here look like a cake walk. And the last time... people didn't listen because I'm a kid, and people got hurt."

Bill's gone. Probably. But he might come back. And Dipper doesn't know what he'll do if he can't get people to listen this time.

[saved]

Peter slows and grows quiet when Dipper tells him to look. He meets his gaze as he looks up at him, and he doesn't say a word, but he listens to what he says, hearing, understanding as well as he can without knowing the details of it. He just nods after a moment, sitting back with a grim expression on his face, accepting it, accepting it and understanding having that responsibility. He carries his own responsibility every single day.

It's what they do when they know more, when they have greater power. It's a responsibility even if he wishes he could take it from Dipper despite the fierceness with which Peter clings to his own responsibility.

"Sometimes that's not enough. Sometimes you can try and try... and try, and you still can't save everyone. It sucks having all the knowledge you have, but not being able to use that to keep people from harm because they won't listen. It's dumb, and there's not always answers to how to fix it. It's just- it's the way things are sometimes and it's terrible, but it's okay to take time to just feel everything. If you don't, it's gonna crush you one day, and you deserve more than that, Dipper."

[krmvgivv]

"Maybe." He doesn't really want to be crushed emotionally. On the other hand, he really doesn't want to be crushed literally either, and if he doesn't succeed, at home, at least, that might be a possibility. And he'd rather let his feelings get crushed then his body. Emotional anguish doesn't kill you, at least.

"I just... I know things are gonna get bad at home. End of the world bad. And I don't know if I'll have time to take time."

[saved]

"You might not especially since it'll be end-of-the-world bad, which is the worst kind of bad. I mean, it's not like you'd even remember this conversation after you were sent home anyway even if it wasn't that kind of bad," Peter says so it's not like even if there was the time, Dipper would necessarily let himself. Dipper takes on that responsibility, and he tries to hold himself together, and he doesn't let it out. Peter gets that.

"But you have the time here... at least right now. You can go to the caves. You can go to me."