open } i've been better with the things i've said when i took the lead instead of being led

[krmvgivv]

Who: Dipper Pines and anyone who likes lurking in caves like a creeper
Where: the caves
When: 4/4 shortly after the event
Rating: PG-13ish probably
Summary: Dipper has been here for a year. He is not taking it extremely well.
The Story:

When Dipper wakes up with his emotions back on, he has to shut his eyes and swallow hard to keep them all from overwhelming him. He doesn't want to cry. He doesn't want Mabel to see him cry because while he knows she'd understand, he doesn't want her to have to carry that weight.

It's been a year.

It had been so easy not to care. The event had been so well timed, he'd barely had a flicker of panic before he shut his emotions off entirely and suddenly it didn't matter so much. But now no matter how hard he tries, the emotions are still there, threatening to overwhelm him. A year. And he's no closer to solving the mysteries of Wonderland than he was when he started. A year and three months since he's seen his parents, whose names he can't even remember thanks to this place.

It takes him a moment, but once he has himself under control again he wipes his face on his pillow and sits up, muttering some excuse to Mabel as he walks out of the room. He makes his way to the caves as fast as he can. It's where he always goes to be alone with his thoughts, and right now... he really wants to be alone with his thoughts. He finds a rock and sits down, pulling out a notebook. He turns on his flashlight and flips to the first page.

July April 1, 2012(?)

I've found myself in a strange world that I don't think even the author's visited. Or if he has, he didn't write about it in his journal. That means it's up to me to record everything I see and chronicle the mysteries of this place! Everyone says we're stuck here forever, but also that people go home sometimes, so I'm not worrying too much.

From what I've gathered, this place is Wonderland, like in the book. It's a pocket dimension, and time works differently out in the real world, so it's unclear if anyone will even notice I'm gone. More summer vacation for me, right?

I have a lot more reading to do. Evelyn, the librarian, has so many notes! But, of course, I'll be transcribing some of my own in here. This place might be even weirder than Gravity Falls!

More summer vacation. Dipper even misses going to school now. He shuts the book and throws it against the wall of the cave, curling his arms around his legs and leaning his head on his knees. He was supposed to have found a way out by now. He was supposed to be nearing 14, not still stuck at 12. He wasn't supposed to have died twice and somehow befriended a psycho killer who might make it three times any day now. It wasn't supposed to be this hard.

"Get it together, Dipper," he mutters to himself, squeezing his eyes tightly. "You can't hide in here all day." And it's not all bad here! He's got all his family, and the mysteries of this place still fascinate him, and there are friends he'd never have met if he hadn't shown up here. Non-psycho killer friends.

Tomorrow, he knows all those things will matter and he'll be able to face live again. Keep on going. Keep on being totally capable of handling this. Like a mature teen, not some little kid. But he's been fighting it and fighting it and just for today, he can't keep control anymore.

Maybe he'll just stay here for a little longer.

Comments

[krmvgivv]

"Aren't you basically a princess?" The subtleties of Westerosi titles are mostly lost on Dipper. Sansa dresses like a princess and definitely is nobility, so he's pretty sure she and her family are royalty. "Like frills can't be that new to you."

[needlebearer]

"No." She wrinkles her nose up in disgust at the idea of being a princess, even if was technically true after Robb had proclaimed himself King in the North, for all the good that had done him. "Is that what Sansa's told you?" If so, perhaps that's why he likes her sister so much - he envisions himself as the next king after their marriage. "In the North there's no place for the fancy frills here - we have tapestries and things, of course, but that's different."

oh no i wasn't prepared :'(

[saved]

It's not easy for people who are used to keeping it all bottled in. Peter always liked the feeling of control it gave him whenever the whole world went to hell. After his parents died, he could shut down and pull away, and it'd make it like he could control it all. It felt that way at least, but it wasn't true, and it only ends up building over time. It stacks on top of itself over and over again.

From what little Peter does know of Dipper's world, it goes to hell in a hand basket (as his Aunt May might say) more often than any other world he's ever heard of (except maybe Wonderland itself). If he puts this much pressure on himself both there and here, it's going to build and build and build without anywhere for it to go. No wonder he's hiding out here in a cave. Peter relates so intensely to that need to hide away when it feels like the entirety of that pressure is about to crash down and then still hunching up in a corner, unable to let it out around anyone else.

Peter doesn't move at all, and he doesn't speak when Dipper slumps against him. There's a well of helpless concern and ache exploding up through him (and relief too because it's clear Dipper needs to be able to breakdown in some way with someone), but he can tell that Dipper doesn't want to let it all go or breakdown or cry, and he doesn't want to make that worse by saying something that might jar him out of it now that he's finally reached that point. His hand rests against his shoulder, squeezing gently once Dipper slumps over.

It's Peter's way of saying it's okay and you're not alone here without actually saying any words at all. Just letting him feel this right now.

[vampdetective]

He nods stiffly, allowing Dipper to lean on logic as much as he needs to feel comfortable. He's certainly not wrong-- a dam is probably the best analogy there is in this situation, and it's part of why Angel had been so cautious when considering how he himself would handle the event and the opportunity it offered.

He's silent for a moment longer before he finally asks:

"Are you okay?"

[krmvgivv]

No, not remotely. Dipper frowns, squeezing his arms around himself. "I dunno, I guess... I'm just homesick."

And sick of dying. Sick of not aging. Sick of a lot of things.

[krmvgivv]

"I dunno, I just kind of assumed. We don't have royalty where I'm from." Dipper isn't sure how tapestries and things are all that different from other fancy frills, honestly, but he doesn't know much about their home. Except that a lot of bad things happen.

"Anyway, you're clearly not going for the right frills. Anyone show you video games yet?"

THERE IS NO PREPARING

[krmvgivv]

Dipper just slumps against Peter for a while, shoulders shaking as he sobs quietly. It feels good and awful all at once. He feels like a little kid, and for once, that doesn't bug him. It feels good to let someone else carry some of that weight for once.

When he finally sits up again, he tries not to notice that he's left wet spots on Peter's shirt. He wipes at his eyes.

"I think it wouldn't be as bad if I could get older here. In a few months we're gonna be 14, and no one's ever gonna believe us."

[needlebearer]

Arya's ears prick up a little at the mention of games, even as she fights the impulse to respond that they're childish, and she's had to grow up long ago. "No... Video is like the dinosaur story, right?" She'd seen Jurassic Park a few weeks ago and thought it was the best thing ever.

[krmvgivv]

"Yep, and video games are like that, but you get to choose how the story goes. You can be in control of one of the characters. Or the dinosaur, depending on the game."

[needlebearer]

She peers at him from where her head's been rested in her arms folded over knees drawn close up to her chest, forgetting her need to wallow in her sadness and feeling altogether intrigued. "That sounds fun."

there really wasn't :'(

[saved]

Peter remains with him in the quiet, resting a hand on his arm as Dipper sobs quietly. It hurts to think of all he must have been bottling up for it to come out like this, and even now, he keeps it quiet even when he doesn't have to. He doesn't say anything about the wet spots either, leaving it for the both of them to act like it never happened. They're just two people hanging out in a cave together.

"Yeah, the whole not-physically getting older thing while your brain continues to mature and know a whole bunch is- It would be hard. You spend half your time trying to convince people you're old enough to know."

There's a pause then as he tilts his head. "Not that age ever has anything to do with that, with having it all figured out. I've met some adults who... were pretty clueless." Peter can be pretty clueless about some stuff too. It's not easy figuring all that out at any age, but it's a special kind of difficult when most of the world doesn't take you seriously because you look young even though you're not that young.

[krmvgivv]

"It is. And there are so many of them." He grins. "Also? Pizza. Ice cream. And women can vote and stuff!"

[krmvgivv]

"I've just been waiting so long to be a teenager so people would start taking me seriously." He wipes his eyes with the back of his hands, pulling his legs up in front of him. "And I am one but at the same time I'm a few stupid weeks away from thirteen at home and it'll never really count as long as I'm here."

[littledhampir]

And of all the really cool stuff that Dipper just said his sister did? She of course zeros in on; "She knits?!" Nose wrinkling. "I thought that was like... an old person thing." Which is the kind of opinion you form when you've lived a ridiculously sheltered life with the likes of the Moroi.

Nobody has ever accused Rose of being in touch with reality.

"I'm good at hitting people..." Rose leaning against the wall of the cave. "At least people let you do what you're good at here."

[brainmeme]

"Even I barely know how it works, Dipper. You dance, your gem glows, you turn into light, you're a different person with someone else. I don't know why it works, it just does."

[saved]

"This is not gonna help, but I'm seventeen and plenty of people never took me seriously even with a giant lizard man on the loose. I think people just- I don't know," Peter shrugs before he shakes his head loosely, glancing over at him. "I take you seriously. Sometimes you just gotta find the people who actually listen, y'know? Try to avoid the rest. It's shitty no matter what though."

It really is, and he can't imagine being in Dipper's shoes even if- even if maybe he will be if he stays here long enough.

[krmvgivv]

"It's a Mabel thing. She makes a new sweater like, every day." Which is pretty insane, but Dipper sounds oddly proud. Just because he has no interest in wearing a Mabel sweater doesn't mean he doesn't find her skills impressive. "And events should give you plenty of chances to hit stuff."

[littledhampir]

Rose actually... looks somewhat impressed by that too. Okay caught between that and bewildered but still. She's having a good day when she can make her bed every day. Making a sweater from scratch?

"Why doesn't she just... get a ready made one out of the magical closets?" Because a lot of people aren't like you Rose, that's why.

"I'm pretty sure nobody would want me hoping for more events though."

[krmvgivv]

"And you're not... curious?" Dipper raises an eyebrow. He's always curious.

[needlebearer]

None of those concepts mean anything at all to her, but if there's one thing she's found she enjoys here, it's trying out the things that seem so commonplace to those from other worlds. "Can we--" she flushes a bright red, annoyed at herself for suddenly wanting to hang out with him so badly, when she'd been clinging to her reasons to resent him and by extension resent Sansa. "I mean, if you'd even want to play a video game with me."

[brainmeme]

"It's just how our bodies work. Do you get curious about digestion?"

Amethyst, just because you don't care how digestion works doesn't mean no one does.

"It's 'cause our bodies are projections. It's just joining two projections together to make something new. Don't try to ask me the geology behind it."

That's the extent of Amethyst's rough understanding. She's never been too interested in the science behind how her body works. It almost takes away from the magic of it.

[krmvgivv]

"But... sometimes that's not enough. Look," he looks up at Peter. "There's some really bad stuff in my world. Stuff that makes the events here look like a cake walk. And the last time... people didn't listen because I'm a kid, and people got hurt."

Bill's gone. Probably. But he might come back. And Dipper doesn't know what he'll do if he can't get people to listen this time.

[krmvgivv]

"She likes making them. Closets can do a lot, but they can't make a sweater handmade."

Dipper is fine with clothes from the closets, but then again, he hates washing clothes let alone making them.

"And you don't have to hope for them. They'll happen like twice a month whether you want them or not."

[krmvgivv]

Dipper looks more amused than anything else. Maybe because usually he's the one who's turning red and getting awkward around girls. Having a girlfriend has really changed him.

"Duh. I wouldn't tell you about them and then not play them with you."

[krmvgivv]

"Yes, I get curious about digestion! People have written books about digestion!" Amethyst clearly doesn't understand how nerds work.

"Fine, I guess I can live with the mystery." But he's still so curious. He wants to see!