entrancelogs | open } i've been better with the things i've said when i took the lead instead of being led

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open } i've been better with the things i've said when i took the lead instead of being led

Who: Dipper Pines and anyone who likes lurking in caves like a creeper
Where: the caves
When: 4/4 shortly after the event
Rating: PG-13ish probably
Summary: Dipper has been here for a year. He is not taking it extremely well.
The Story:

When Dipper wakes up with his emotions back on, he has to shut his eyes and swallow hard to keep them all from overwhelming him. He doesn't want to cry. He doesn't want Mabel to see him cry because while he knows she'd understand, he doesn't want her to have to carry that weight.

It's been a year.

It had been so easy not to care. The event had been so well timed, he'd barely had a flicker of panic before he shut his emotions off entirely and suddenly it didn't matter so much. But now no matter how hard he tries, the emotions are still there, threatening to overwhelm him. A year. And he's no closer to solving the mysteries of Wonderland than he was when he started. A year and three months since he's seen his parents, whose names he can't even remember thanks to this place.

It takes him a moment, but once he has himself under control again he wipes his face on his pillow and sits up, muttering some excuse to Mabel as he walks out of the room. He makes his way to the caves as fast as he can. It's where he always goes to be alone with his thoughts, and right now... he really wants to be alone with his thoughts. He finds a rock and sits down, pulling out a notebook. He turns on his flashlight and flips to the first page.

~~July~~ April 1, 2012(?)

I've found myself in a strange world that I don't think even the author's visited. Or if he has, he didn't write about it in his journal. That means it's up to me to record everything I see and chronicle the mysteries of this place! Everyone says we're stuck here forever, but also that people go home sometimes, so I'm not worrying too much.

From what I've gathered, this place is Wonderland, like in the book. It's a pocket dimension, and time works differently out in the real world, so it's unclear if anyone will even notice I'm gone. More summer vacation for me, right?

I have a lot more reading to do. Evelyn, the librarian, has so many notes! But, of course, I'll be transcribing some of my own in here. This place might be even weirder than Gravity Falls!

More summer vacation. Dipper even misses going to school now. He shuts the book and throws it against the wall of the cave, curling his arms around his legs and leaning his head on his knees. He was supposed to have found a way out by now. He was supposed to be nearing 14, not still stuck at 12. He wasn't supposed to have died twice and somehow befriended a psycho killer who might make it three times any day now. It wasn't supposed to be this hard.

"Get it together, Dipper," he mutters to himself, squeezing his eyes tightly. "You can't hide in here all day." And it's not all bad here! He's got all his family, and the mysteries of this place still fascinate him, and there are friends he'd never have met if he hadn't shown up here. Non-psycho killer friends.

Tomorrow, he knows all those things will matter and he'll be able to face live again. Keep on going. Keep on being totally capable of handling this. Like a mature teen, not some little kid. But he's been fighting it and fighting it and just for today, he can't keep control anymore.

Maybe he'll just stay here for a little longer.

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Boy, do they get what that's like. They're physically exhausted. Their body aches, remembering every spear, every bone, every Blaster, every shot that they brought onto themselves after that three-day rampage. But mentally, emotionally, down to the tense broken bits of SOUL in their chest... they're exhausted in that sense, too. Everyone's probably got some kind of whiplash going on, after all that time either not thinking about the unpleasant stuff or being far, far too aware of it.

They sit down. In the dark. Too far away to really be part of the narrow bit of light that keeps Dipper illuminated. But far away is probably more comfortable for the both of them. Chara doesn't want to spend the energy on being an unspoken threat, Dipper probably doesn't want Chara even close to knife radius.

"Is it a talk about it kind of tired, or a do literally anything other than talk about it kind?" They venture vaguely. They're... not good at this. They're the kind who always picks the second option.

"I don't know." The healthy answer is probably he should talk about it. He should probably even take up freaking Cami on therapy like he has no doubt she still thinks he needs. But he sure doesn't want to talk about it. Except how he desperately does want to talk about it. To tell someone how horrible he feels, but would he be able to hold it together through all that or would he completely break down and would Chara kill him for showing that much weakness.

He shrugs a shoulder uncomfortably. Chara did say they weren't in the mood for their usual mind games. There's only so much Dipper's willing to share, but... it's not like it's a secret. "I've been here a year. Officially."

A year. Time... sort of doesn't mean a lot to Chara anymore. They don't see a single reason to look forward to going home, to settling back into a story that only wanted to go on without them. Nothing waiting for them there. One world was as good as the next.

But a normal kid... one who got to have his grunkles, one who got to have his sister, but... probably one that had things back home that mattered? Parents, friends, things to look forward to? That has to be different.

They look at Dipper, quiet for a moment. Doesn't seem like a the date I came here kind of deal. Not something to celebrate. Not a replacement for a birthday. Another year of belonging, instead of another year of somehow surviving.

...Ah.

"Dipper... how old are you and Mabel?"

"Thirteen." He smiles bitterly. That is a pretty big part of the issue, after all. "Technically, anyway. It's still believable, right?"

He knows it probably will stop being so believable within a year. Fourteen people might believe. Fifteen no one will ever buy. Sixteen through twenty and onwards... yeah. He sure hopes he isn't stuck here that long.

"Technically" is a difficult thing.

"We... don't get any older while we're here, huh." Must make sense, they guess. It would be pretty odd if they returned to their worlds suddenly taller, with different voices, old enough to drive a car.

So. Suppose it keeps going. Suppose you spend a decade here. You don't get to experience all those normal growing-up things. A body that can look your grunkles in the eye without standing on a chair, be on their level. Dates, prom, a learner's permit, a sip of alcohol, the great beyond of college, of a job, of a place of your own, of deciding what you want to be and pursuing it. Suppose everyone keeps treating you like something you just aren't.

"You're technically older than me," Chara mumbles. Shakes their head. Wait, no. "...Frisk says I'm technically a lot older than 12, so... maybe you aren't. Whatever. I'm still... this." However old this is. 10? 12? Maybe they're just the world's shortest 20 year old and they never noticed. "I'm never growing up either."

Dipper glances over at them, raising his eyebrows. The admission itself doesn't surprise him, but the fact that Chara is telling him does. Especially telling him like this, without the usual exaggerated creepy smile and attempts to get Dipper to admit they're the scariest thing he's ever seen. Which they still aren't. But since Chara is, as far as he can tell, some sort of ghost made solid, that they aren't aging isn't really all that surprising. The rules might be different in Wonderland, but they aren't different in a way that would let Chara grow up.

"No one told you about the aging? Guess it... wouldn't make much difference." He glances back down. "I will grow up. Once I find a way out of here." It can't be an if. It can't be.

"Of course you will," Chara agrees, but it's a little too apathetic to be all that supportive or soothing. Hard to care, honestly. One world's as good as the next to them. Location changes nothing.

"...But what about until then?" Not to be a downer (Chara sort of thrives off deliberately being a downer, who are they kidding), but "maybe someday in another world" doesn't seem to make the current reality a lot easier to deal with. "Do you still... no, I guess not. The age you look and the age you really are don't have that much of a gap yet, so you probably still get treated your age. Don't you?"

"Uh, yeah. I mean, I was only a few weeks from thirteen back home anyway. I know growth spurts can be fast, but I wasn't expecting too much."

Not that he ever particularly liked being treated his age. But he knows it'll be that much worse when he's rounding on fourteen instead of 13. He didn't really think he'd have a growth spurt before 13, but before 14? He had hopes. Maybe by next summer, he'd be taller. Maybe his voice would finish changing instead of just cracking all the time. Maybe he'd sweat less.

Or maybe he'd be the exact same. If he stays in Wonderland, he knows which option is most likely.

Of course. Ask an obvious question, get an obvious answer. Not like they really know the first thing about what puberty would even feel like, but it's not as though a single year could make that much difference, right?

"If you want to look older, you could try makeup, maybe." They suggest offhandedly, put their smile on, lean back against the cold rock and stare at a bunch of dark nothing-at-all. "It doesn't have to be a girl thing," they add, because he was pretty new to the idea of referring to people as anything other than he/she when they first met, after all. "Like a stage actor. Put shadows in the right places, and people will buy you're old enough to be out on your own. Especially if they don't look too closely."

Dipper raises an eyebrow at the suggestion. He thinks Chara is actually trying to help, which is... nice of them. There are many reasons Dipper doesn't want to try make-up, and the girl thing is one of them. The fact that he hates spending more time on his appearance than the time it takes to shove a hat over his messy hair is another one. Spending hours putting on make-up to look older seems like a waste of time he could spend doing anything else.

Besides, he's pretty sure his face isn't the main reason people treat him like a kid.

"It won't make me taller." And it won't make his voice lose its adolescent edge. Without those, he'll just look like a little kid wearing age make-up.

Their smile doesn't budge.

"Okay, makeup and very tiny stilts. You can stand on paint cans. Nobody will notice."

Yeah, now they're just cracking jokes. They laugh, shoot him a quick sideways look, then glance away again.

"It's actually... not that hard, to be honest. To fake it, I mean. Just... talk big. Act like you know more than they do. Businesslike vocabulary and bravado are all adults really have, so if you've got it too, they'll get intimidated. Then they won't think you're a kid, no matter how short you are."

"I do know more than most of them. Somehow, it doesn't help." They either just patronize him harder defensively or act like he's smart for a kid. Neither one really helps him feel better.

Some adults actually take him seriously. Those adults he appreciates so much. There just... aren't enough of them.

Now their smile starts to fade a little.

They don't... understand. That's always been the reality for them. Playing at being much bigger than they are from the very start, because they're trying to keep up with an enemy much taller, smarter, and stronger than them. Finding a family that loves them, and still being the future of humans and monsters, the only hope of the Underground, someone who thinks about the things the prince will inherit. Someone who thinks about overcrowding and resources and brave faces.

"What's the difference between you and me, Dipper?" They blurt. "Why are you treated like a kid and I'm... not?"

A beat.

"Don't say murder. It was like this before the murder." And you know you're having a great discussion when you need to clarify that it's probably not murder.

"Murder isn't really a step I'm willing to take to be taken seriously, so that's good to hear." Probably not the time for jokes, but if Dipper can't make morbid jokes than he's truly beyond hope.

"I don't know. I treat you like a kid." Not that it's the same coming from another kid. Grown-ups are the ones that tend to be problems. Kids just treat other kids like, well, people.

"It's different, though. Of course we take each other seriously." They... aren't sure if Dipper takes them seriously, actually, because Dipper isn't afraid of them. But Dipper treats them like... like something, anyway, and he keeps on talking to them, so... whatever it is, it's good enough. Isn't it?

"We know what it's like. They don't."

"Yeah. Which is dumb. Theoretically they were all kids once. I know when you get old your memory starts to go, but you'd think some would remember."

Dipper hopes he never forgets. He hopes that once people start treating him like an adult, he'll remember and respect kids like he should be respected now. At least... not disrespect them anymore than he disrespects everyone.

"I suppose it must be human nature." Boy, must it ever. An utter lack of sympathy, even for things that they must have surely personally suffered through once? The easy temptation to act like you're above anyone who's smaller, not as powerful or influential, at your mercy? That's about the most human thing Chara can think of.

"They all fancy themselves older and wiser. They know better, so they expect everyone else to know better, too. People are only interested in whatever agrees with them."

Dipper supposes he should probably worry that he finds himself agreeing with Chara, but right now it's hard to care. Someone actually understands him. Even if that someone's favorite hobby is murder.

"It's only gonna get worse the longer I'm here. I'll be turning 14 in a few months."

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open } i've been better with the things i've said when i took the lead instead of being led

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